Child with BPD traits

[maryvanek]

My teen daughter exhibits the following possible BPD traits: hourly mood swings, angry outbursts, happy when she has a "boyfriend" miserable when she doesn't, come here - go away attitude toward emotional intimacy.  Sexual activity with short term "boyfriends" . Changeable sense of self identity - takes on the characteristics and preferences of her friends or boyfriends.  Meets a new friends with a nose ring and suddenly wants a nose ring, for example. Demands constant attention, takes insult where none is meant, looks for proof that family is ignoring her and intentionally not meeting her needs.  When under stress engages in negative mind reading  and crazy making conversations. Has cut herself in the past and has had suicidal ideation and suicidal references that don't quite rise to the level of threats.  I am looking for ways to break the cycle when she goes on one of her mind reading, passive aggressive rants.  I am a rational person and nothing she says at these times makes any sense to me or has any basis ion reality as I see it, so I don't know how to respond.  Her behavior makes me feel very fearful and angry at the same time.  She won't listen to me so I need to change what I say.  Looking for any suggestions, or even just validation and empathy!  SHe has not been diagnosed and does not  want to see a counselor although she has seen one int he past for depression and anxiety but all they did was "talk".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reg23]

Read When Hope Is not Enough! Dbt therapy is essential to remission!

[js friend]

Hi and welcome maryvanek,

I totally understand what you are living with as you have described my dd to a tee!

The best way to  break the cycle of these senseless circular arguments/conversations with your dd is use J.A.D.E.  If you havent heard of this acronym before it means not to Justify, Argue, Defend OR Explain yourself  As we know nothing makes sense when they are in that mindset. My dd would become a tryant, arguing,.shouting, accusing, abusive, threatening, and even sometimes violent. She would also use passive aggression which would also means not talking to any of us, taking things from the house or destroying someones stuff. It was truly an awful time as we never knew how she would respond minute by minute so  we all walked on eggshells for years so as not to upset her.

There were often other times dd would just be looking for an argument to get out of situations such as  helping with the household chores to be with new b/f or her friends. Her bfs always came first and still do.

When you begin to start  using J.A.D.E your dd will probably accuse you of ignoring her, so when she  tries to start an argument you could respond with a S.E.T statement so she knows you have acknowledged her with something like " I want to help you and I see that you are angry at me right now, but shouting at me wont help. When you have stopped shouting maybe we can talk calmly about this" Ano ther example is when your dd is accusing you of something for example of going into her room and moving her stuff and she is accusing and screaming at you, firm up your boundaries with a statement such as " Iam not going to defend myself against false accusations" and then leave the room or ask your dd to leave the room. This will signal to your dd that you will not engage in the circular argument.

There are more useful tools on the right which has helped me considerably to break the cycle abuse from my dd.

My dd is now 21 and has her own place but when my she was a teenager that is when the most arguments occured. Iam still not sure if it was a BPDteen thing to want to argue so much as I dont know another BPDteen to compare to, but there is hope as my dd has calmed down a lot now she is in her twenties, and not just with me but also with her siblings, So there is hope!

Discovering J.A.D.E has saved me a lot of time and energy. My nerves are much better and it has probably been a great contributor in reducing my blood pressure!

[TiReign]

Hi maryvanek,

On reading your description your daughter sounds very much like she might have Histrionic Personality disorder. (Admin please remove my post if it's out of line with the rules).

Here is a link to a brief description of the two which can be confused: www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-borderline-and-histrionic

Your description of her taking on preferences and identity of boyfriends etc... .triggered my recall of this mental illness.

If you scroll down the link it compares the two. (In a simplified way)

My opinion is by no means meant to be a substitute for professional help or advice.

TiReign