Does NC "detach" them?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm entering month three of NC.  She tried contacting me about the kids up until a month ago and then she stopped.  This caused me to be painted black even more.  NC seems to be an effective tool for the non, but what does it do to the pwBPD?  They compartmentalize their feelings about you either way.  I've been with my pwBPDw for close to 20 years.  Is this even detaching her?  I ask because as we have kids, I will need to eventually break NC... .once I'm good.  What should I expect from her?  I will say, when I have spoken to her throughout the first three months of her leaving, she sounded as if she was stuck at day when leaving.  Very emotional.  Still calling me babe... . just thinking here.

[Joem678]

I'm entering month three of NC.  She tried contacting me about the kids up until a month ago and then she stopped.  This caused me to be painted black even more.  NC seems to be an effective tool for the non, but what does it do to the pwBPD?  They compartmentalize their feelings about you either way.  I've been with my pwBPDw for close to 20 years.  Is this even detaching her?  I ask because as we have kids, I will need to eventually break NC... .once I'm good.  What should I expect from her?  I will say, when I have spoken to her throughout the first three months of her leaving, she sounded as if she was stuck at day when leaving.  Very emotional.  Still calling me babe... . just thinking here.

[enlighten me]

Hi Joe

I think theres a lot of misconception about pwBPD. They are not a different entity to us nons. They feel the same as us its just that their emotions are more intense.

The best way Ive come to think about what their behaviour means and also what effect things we do have on them is to put myself in their shoes.

How would you feel if your ex went NC on you? If its something negative then imagine the feelings at least doubled.

[Joem678]

Yes I understand that their emotions are more intense than ours but I also understand it hurts them too much to let go for the same reason. So, right now she probably is really upset about the NC, but as I detach does she stay where she is at emotionally?

I've always known that people who have been married as long as we have and divorce, still have some sort of connection.  Some sort of love for each other.  I think about this. 

Five years ago,  when we went through this, I almost divorced her.  She returned from one day to the next and I asked her " what would she have done if I had divorced her?"  Her reply "do everything and anything to get you back!"

 

[enlighten me]

It depends on the circumstances. If you didn't want to end it and they did then Im sure you would want to fix things and keep thinking about them. It also depends on whether they get distracted. Like us if we split up with someone and are heartbroken for a few months then meet someone our feelings change.

You cant help how others feel. I think its more important to ask what you want and feel than to worry about them.

[thisworld]

My ex cannot tolerate it and I don't think he feels the same as I would in this. If I did to someone what my ex did to me, I would completely understand their need for space and respect it. My ex, however, cannot tolerate it. Because he cannot process his negative emotions and grieve, he simply cannot let go. This isn't special to me, either. He hasn't been able to let go of anyone, anyone who has stopped communicating for him. He still attempts for their attention, after years and years. I'm doing gray rock.

[Joem678]

Enlighten, I have been stuck in a pattern for two decades.  There has always been a distraction and her feelings don't change. I have been told " I'm in love with someone else's let me go".  When I feel she has moved on, she pops back into my life. I know I've enabled this behavior but now with NC I'm a little on eggshells again.  I would so much like to have experience what you are describing but in my case she always pops back in. In college, I didn't see her for months and she popped back in my life. My kids tell me she hasn't grieved.  "She hides it well" they tell me.

[Joem678]

Thisworld, I know what you mean.  My son told me she told him "this wasn't suppose to happen.  He wasn't suppose stop talking to me".  She too was furious when I stopped. 

[enlighten me]

Something we also have to consider is our perspective and theirs don't match up. I don't think either of my uBPD exs saw their behaviour as undeserved. From their perspective what they did was a reaction to my bad behaviour. Im not saying my behaviour was bad but I can now see why it would have triggered some of her behaviour.

Joe your ex may think that she doesn't deserve to be cut out as in her mind she may feel that she was only reacting to things you did. You may also be the one who has been the closest she has got to a perfect match. That is hard to let go off.

[Joem678]

Something we also have to consider is our perspective and theirs don't match up. I don't think either of my uBPD exs saw their behaviour as undeserved. From their perspective what they did was a reaction to my bad behaviour. Im not saying my behaviour was bad but I can now see why it would have triggered some of her behaviour.

I was actually told that she was just reacting to what I was doing.  The affairs she had were all my fault.  That people saw her as a wh$#e at her last two jobs because of me. 

Joe your ex may think that she doesn't deserve to be cut out as in her mind she may feel that she was only reacting to things you did. You may also be the one who has been the closest she has got to a perfect match. That is hard to let go off.

I agree with you here.  I'm sure she feels like that but it has also added to her smear campaign.  I've always believed that I am very patient with her.  I mean 19 1/2years of this and if I told you about year one, you would think I was an idiot for staying 18 more.  I do feel it is also an addiction.  The art of manipulating people can be very empowering.  Getting them to believe they are in a very abusive relationship and her audience responding according, can be highly addictive.  It seems, as the years went on, the need for this got worse.  The pattern has been the same which includes her coming back.  And she drops these guys abruptly too. 

No matter what she is feeling, I just can't do it anymore.  I just don't want to go through this, as well, in the future.  She's never let me go.  Even when I tried.

[enlighten me]

Having any sort of relationship be it romantic or plutonic takes two. If one of you doesn't want it then it cant happen. Does it matter if she is still thinking of you or messaging you? If you are intent on moving on then it may take a while but she will eventually get the message. I take it that you have recycled in the past? If you hadn't of wanted to then it wouldn't have happened.

[Joem678]

Not that it matters but she is a master manipulator.  When I went NC, she instigated an argument with one of our sons.  She was calling repeatedly but I didn't answer.  Her first text was "if you don't answer I'm calling the cops"!  I called him directly.

Recycle?  It's weird.  I'm the only constant variable here.  The replacements are a one time thing.  It's as if she attaches herself to dead ends.  These relationships are set up to fail from the beginning and are not recycled.  Only me! 

[thisworld]

Joem678,

The phrase "this wasn't supposed to happen" scares me when it comes out of the mouth of some people. I know many of us use it everyday for I have experienced that for extremely self-centred people, this phrase means completely different. Some of these people are manipulators both consciously and unconsciously and it's sometimes scary for me to realize that even in the middle of a separation, we may be experiencing two different realities with these people. For instance, you may be sad because a relationship has ended, they may not even be able to perceive it like that. Some may think "Bleh, we'll start talking when his anger passes." Sometimes they even give us some space! I think consequences of what we say and do (like NC) comes as a shock to them because they didn't think it would really be this serious (even if they move out etc). My exBPD lived in my house, our relationship ended and I sent him away from my house naturally and he still thinks he will be able to return one day. He is almost so sure about it, it could even be funny if he wasn't volatile and dangerous. Narcs are like this, too. Because they actually don't give a damn about what we are saying, they don't even process its meaning, they just wait until we fall for them again. Hence the frustration sometimes.

Do you think she may try to manipulate children next or try to turn them against you?

You seem to be the most convenient supply for her.

[NCEA]

Mine is 32 years old, good looking and a sex addicted. This is what she needs to do in order to get new supply and forget about me or anyone else:

Stand in the street and wait.

Done. Within 5 minutes some guy will try to pick her up and she'll have new supply, "detaching" from you or any one else.

[Joem678]

The phrase "this wasn't supposed to happen" scares me when it comes out of the mouth of some people.

This phrase along with other phrases she has said give me the chills.  This time around I could see the start of the dysregulation and the creation of the fantasy reality.  It sounds cinematic but this is the truth.

Some of these people are manipulators both consciously and unconsciously and it's sometimes scary for me to realize that even in the middle of a separation, we may be experiencing two different realities with these people.

This is one of the main reasons why I went NC.  I could not participate in her fantasy world.  Her family, whom have been told these lies in the past, remind her of these false accusations and it makes it overwhelming. 

For instance, you may be sad because a relationship has ended, they may not even be able to perceive it like that. Some may think "Bleh, we'll start talking when his anger passes." Sometimes they even give us some space! I think consequences of what we say and do (like NC) comes as a shock to them because they didn't think it would really be this serious (even if they move out etc). My exBPD lived in my house, our relationship ended and I sent him away from my house naturally and he still thinks he will be able to return one day.

I get the exact same feeling.  When I have spoken to her, it's as if she still has the mentality of my wife but is putting me to the side.  I don't me she's treating me like an ex.  I mean her life has taken a back seat to this reality she is stuck in.  This became more apparent when I discovered she was painting her teenage sons black.  There are three of us.

I do hear of BPDs painting someone black and moving on.  This has never been the case for me.

[thisworld]

Having any sort of relationship be it romantic or plutonic takes two. If one of you doesn't want it then it cant happen. Does it matter if she is still thinking of you or messaging you? If you are intent on moving on then it may take a while but she will eventually get the message. I take it that you have recycled in the past? If you hadn't of wanted to then it wouldn't have happened.

Enlightenme, I agree with you in terms of our responsibility in what happens, but I don't think a platonic relationship takes two. In my case, that eventually may take pretty long and it is not taking two until he gets it. NC is interpreted as I have some feelings for him - persecuting him, punishing him or still loving him. LC is perceived as god knows what. I get texts starting with expressing how much he hated me doing X in the relationship (say buying smt) and ending with asking me to buy X in the end (quite big investments given how little time we spent together). My ex is still obsessed with exes from years ago and who are doing systematic NC with him. He insistently writes to them, reminiscing. This isn't because it takes two. It is because he can't process loss and grieve and let go.

[thisworld]

And Joem, I think it should be us saying "This wasn't supposed to happen" ) Let's reclaim the phrase:))

[Joem678]

I totally agree.  What we are going through is something unnatural.  That is part of the reason why I decided to go NC.  I realized it was beyond my control and I could not help her.  It still hurts but that's life. 

This is not what a marriage is suppose to be!

[enlighten me]

Having any sort of relationship be it romantic or plutonic takes two. If one of you doesn't want it then it cant happen. Does it matter if she is still thinking of you or messaging you? If you are intent on moving on then it may take a while but she will eventually get the message. I take it that you have recycled in the past? If you hadn't of wanted to then it wouldn't have happened.

Enlightenme, I agree with you in terms of our responsibility in what happens, but I don't think a platonic relationship takes two. In my case, that eventually may take pretty long and it is not taking two until he gets it. NC is interpreted as I have some feelings for him - persecuting him, punishing him or still loving him. LC is perceived as god knows what. I get texts starting with expressing how much he hated me doing X in the relationship (say buying smt) and ending with asking me to buy X in the end (quite big investments given how little time we spent together). My ex is still obsessed with exes from years ago and who are doing systematic NC with him. He insistently writes to them, reminiscing. This isn't because it takes two. It is because he can't process loss and grieve and let go.

I still have feelings for my ex but we are not friends. Im LC as we have a son together. If only one person is wanting to keep a relationship going its not a relationship. Its a crush, an obsession but its not a relationship.

[thisworld]

You are right, it's an obsession - but sometimes it's still a kind of relationship in their minds. Parallel universes.

[Joem678]

Enlighten me, The obsession piece makes sesne.  Is that because their emotions are much more intense?  Why are you not friends with your kids and is LC challenging for them as well?

[enlighten me]

No I have a very good relationship with my kids. My eldest from my uBPD ex wife now live with me as they don't want anything more to do with their mum. My littlest I get to see all the time so have to interact with my uBPD exgf.

From what ive read it seems that negative emotions are much more intense than in us so called nons. If we abandon them then they may become obsessed with us. Even if they dumped us by not trying to re engage them then we have abandoned them.

[Joem678]

Enlighten me, this is exactly why I asked the question.  I do get the impression that she is saying I left when she left.  I also have a great relationship with my kids.  My 16 year old wants to come live with me.  I've been in NC for 2+months and she has stopped trying to contact me since a month ago.  Right now, there is a lot of peace and healing.  I am just wondering if this is the calm before the storm.

We have gone through a long period of time without seeing each other.  That was back in college.  She even got engaged during this time.  BUT, once she saw me, she dropped everything, friends and fiancé, and started to pull me back.  I just don't know what to expect 20 years and four kids later. 

[enlighten me]

I don't know the ins and outs but from what you've said it sounds like your ex see's you as the one for her. In her mind even though she left she may have thought you where having a time out. Especially if you have got back together before.

The question is what you want? You say your son wants to live with you. Has he told his mum this? If so then it will be a major abandonment trigger for her. I watched my exgf have a melt down when her daughter told her she wanted to go and live with he dad. They where having a blazing row and once that was said she completely lost it.

With kids involved there is always calm before the storm unless you decide to abandon them.

All you can do is mentally prepare yourself for it. Expect the worst and don't react. My exgf has got me to bite a few times. This was before I learnt about BPD. Now when she says something I don't react I just say ok or if its something that doesn't fit with my plans such as her wanting to change when I have my son then I say I cant change it as Ive made plans. Ive put enough good points in the bank by having my son at short notice and small changes in the parenting plan to suit her that she cant really complain (not that having my son more is ever a problem). Its not a case of rolling over and taking it more of a case of choosing your battles and not making it an obvious fight.

[Joem678]

You see that is the hardest question. " what do I want?"  My therapist even asked me that.  It would be better for me if she just stayed away.  I've been told to expect her to come back fairly aggressive and manipulating.

I don't know how she would take my son coming to live with me.  She has started to paint him black. 

How did we end up in the twilight zone?

[burritoman]

With kids involved there is always calm before the storm unless you decide to abandon them.

What if instead of kids we're talking about possessions? Lots and lots of possessions?

[enlighten me]

With kids involved there is always calm before the storm unless you decide to abandon them.

What if instead of kids we're talking about possessions? Lots and lots of possessions?

I walked away and lived in a tent when me and my ex wife split. She kept two cars and the contents of the house Luckily I was renting at the time). It wasn't a problem walking away from material items for me. They can always be replaced, children cant.

[burritoman]

With kids involved there is always calm before the storm unless you decide to abandon them.

What if instead of kids we're talking about possessions? Lots and lots of possessions?

I walked away and lived in a tent when me and my ex wife split. She kept two cars and the contents of the house Luckily I was renting at the time). It wasn't a problem walking away from material items for me. They can always be replaced, children cant.

I mean her things. Lots of things, many of which with monetary or personal value. When we broke up in the past, or times that she'd threaten to, she always made mention of getting a moving truck and "coming up on Sunday" to get her stuff. This time, not a word.

[enlighten me]

Or is it a way to leave the door open?

It could also be that she doesn't want to get her stuff as she doesn't want to interact and is wanting a clean break.

With things like this only time will tell.

[Joem678]

Enlighten me, I practically doing the same by leaving to live in a "tent".  Currently, a positive sense of urgency/fear has been my driving force.

[enlighten me]

Mine was more of needs must. She had spent all the money so it was either a tent or my parents and at the time I didn't want to deal with my family. Its funny though it was quite therapeutic being in a tent for a month.