I broke NC and could use some input.

[JSF13]

So after 7 weeks nc I broke yesterday after receiving an email begging me to talk to her. The roller coaster is no different. Same ride from before. I am able to regulate my emotions to not allow myself to get worked up. She wants to come back but also is trying to lay ground rules for the types of friendships I am allowed to have as I would be a man in a relationship. This was a big issue for us the past year. I nor any of my female friends crossed lines sexually at me. I told her there is no way i would sacrifice any more relationships in my life to appease her. That I will decide who my friends are and until they do something to me they will remain my friends. I also said there is no way i will even consider seeing her unless we together go to a Psychiatrist together. She very much tells only what she wants people to know because she views herself as never wrong. If it could flaw her character she omits it. I said if she choses to go I will open the entire issue up. I have found a place by me that specializes in BPD. She tells me she only has PTSD and is in dbt treatment but does not have BPD but I very much feel her diagnoses is wrong as like I said she omits or "Forgets" I'm gonna guess she disassociates which we already knew she does. I cannot deny that i am absolutely in love with the girl and I am aware of the issues that come with her. Hoping to maybe get some of your input. I know I am blinded by love at points and need to do whats best.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi JSF13,

It sounds like the friendships/jealousy issue is a big one in the relationship. That's tough -- I went through that too and it's no fun.

I can also appreciate that one of your bottom lines is therapy. It sounds like she is getting DBT, so she's getting the same treatment that she would get if she was BPD. Or... .? Do you feel things would improve in your relationship if she accepted the BPD diagnosis?

I'm not sure what this means:

I said if she choses to go I will open the entire issue up.

Does that mean if she agrees to see a psychiatrist with you, that you will tell the psychiatrist everything?

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JSF13,

Ultimatums tend to not work well for most people.  I understand your concern for her mental well-being and want to be helpful, but involving yourself in her therapy and diagnoses can cause a lot of  conflict.  PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive to criticism, which can exacerbate low self-esteem, shame, and guilt. It is very common for a BPD sufferer to feel like they are unworthy, broken, bad, or a horrible person. Many pwBPD feel and believe that they are "wrong" and "flawed." Pointing it out further can potentially make them feel worse. For this reason, many professionals do not give a diagnosis of BPD because of the stigmatizing effects of the label.

Why is it important for you, to want her to be diagnosed with BPD?

Boundaries are important to have. I think it is great that you want to uphold your boundaries with your female friends.  

[JSF13]

Hi JSF13,

It sounds like the friendships/jealousy issue is a big one in the relationship. That's tough -- I went through that too and it's no fun.

I can also appreciate that one of your bottom lines is therapy. It sounds like she is getting DBT, so she's getting the same treatment that she would get if she was BPD. Or... .? Do you feel things would improve in your relationship if she accepted the BPD diagnosis?

I'm not sure what this means:

I said if she choses to go I will open the entire issue up.

Does that mean if she agrees to see a psychiatrist with you, that you will tell the psychiatrist everything?

Hey thanks for your response. Yes if I went with her I am going to very much open the entire situation up. I feel like you cannot get to the root of the problem without being fully open. I too have made mistakes in my relationship with her but I as a nonBPD can regulate and work thru the issue. She just fixates, paints me black, sometimes gets physical and goes haywire over basically anything. When i was with her at one hospital months back I was trying to talk to the head nurse of psych and her father would talk over me and not allow me to tell what was really going on. None of them want to get real about what is at hand here.

[JSF13]

Hi JSF13,

Ultimatums tend to not work well for most people.  I understand your concern for her mental well-being and want to be helpful, but involving yourself in her therapy and diagnoses can cause a lot of  conflict.  PwBPD tend to be hypersensitive to criticism, which can exacerbate low self-esteem, shame, and guilt. It is very common for a BPD sufferer to feel like they are unworthy, broken, bad, or a horrible person. Many pwBPD feel and believe that they are "wrong" and "flawed." Pointing it out further can potentially make them feel worse. For this reason, many professionals do not give a diagnosis of BPD because of the stigmatizing effects of the label.

Why is it important for you, to want her to be diagnosed with BPD?

Boundaries are important to have. I think it is great that you want to uphold your boundaries with your female friends.  

She blames our issues on me and thinks that i am the one who is wrong. Not her. She 100% believes I do not respect her. She also is CONSTANTLY accusing me of lying. I did lie a few times but only because of how much she attacks me. I have caught her lying numerous times. I see her attacking me as self projecting. I will not sacrifice any more friendships. I absolutely refuse. My friends have tried to be her friend. She manipulates her situation with them and then severs the friendship ten tells me "See they weren't your friend"

[livednlearned]

Yes if I went with her I am going to very much open the entire situation up. I feel like you cannot get to the root of the problem without being fully open.

What do you think about the comment Eaglesjuju made about people with BPD being hypersensitive to criticism? Does that sound like something your girlfriend experiences?

I too have made mistakes in my relationship with her but I as a nonBPD can regulate and work thru the issue.

This is really good to acknowledge. As someone who is not BPD, you can regulate your emotions and are likely not battling the same intense feelings of shame and self-loathing that she does. You have some advantages here that she does not have.

She just fixates, paints me black, sometimes gets physical and goes haywire over basically anything. When i was with her at one hospital months back I was trying to talk to the head nurse of psych and her father would talk over me and not allow me to tell what was really going on. None of them want to get real about what is at hand here.

What happened that led to her being hospitalized? That must have been very scary for both you and her father, not to mention for her.

People with BPD have very labile moods and are quicker to emotionally dysregulate, and it takes them much longer to return to baseline. One important skill to learn with a BPD loved one is validation]/url]. For you, the issue is basically nothing. For her, the issue is something. Validation is about acknowledging her feelings so that she feels validated -- this helps to minimize the cycle of conflict.

Have you tried validation with her?

[JSF13]

Yes if I went with her I am going to very much open the entire situation up. I feel like you cannot get to the root of the problem without being fully open.

What do you think about the comment Eaglesjuju made about people with BPD being hypersensitive to criticism? Does that sound like something your girlfriend experiences?

I too have made mistakes in my relationship with her but I as a nonBPD can regulate and work thru the issue.

This is really good to acknowledge. As someone who is not BPD, you can regulate your emotions and are likely not battling the same intense feelings of shame and self-loathing that she does. You have some advantages here that she does not have.

She just fixates, paints me black, sometimes gets physical and goes haywire over basically anything. When i was with her at one hospital months back I was trying to talk to the head nurse of psych and her father would talk over me and not allow me to tell what was really going on. None of them want to get real about what is at hand here.

What happened that led to her being hospitalized? That must have been very scary for both you and her father, not to mention for her.

People with BPD have very labile moods and are quicker to emotionally dysregulate, and it takes them much longer to return to baseline. One important skill to learn with a BPD loved one is validation]/url]. For you, the issue is basically nothing. For her, the issue is something. Validation is about acknowledging her feelings so that she feels validated -- this helps to minimize the cycle of conflict.

Have you tried validation with her?

I have very much validated her. I will not validate the lies she tells. Im honestly not sure she even knows she's lying. She is very sensitive to criticism however at this stage Im just honest because I don't have it in me to sugar coat like her father does.

[EaglesJuju]

She blames our issues on me and thinks that i am the one who is wrong. Not her. She 100% believes I do not respect her. She also is CONSTANTLY accusing me of lying. I did lie a few times but only because of how much she attacks me. I have caught her lying numerous times. I see her attacking me as self projecting. I will not sacrifice any more friendships. I absolutely refuse. My friends have tried to be her friend. She manipulates her situation with them and then severs the friendship ten tells me "See they weren't your friend"

I understand how frustrating projection is. It is a way for a person to dump all of their emotions and feelings on another. It really stinks when you are the recipient. Unfortunately, this is common for a people who cannot regulate or control their own emotions. It's really tough to not take it personal.

Can you move past things that happened in the past?  It is hard to move forward and rekindle a relationship when you are concerned about who is right and wrong. It can be almost like you already have the mindset that it is going to fail before it starts.

I agree completely with you not sacrificing a friendship. Has she been jealous in the past over your female friends?

[JSF13]

She blames our issues on me and thinks that i am the one who is wrong. Not her. She 100% believes I do not respect her. She also is CONSTANTLY accusing me of lying. I did lie a few times but only because of how much she attacks me. I have caught her lying numerous times. I see her attacking me as self projecting. I will not sacrifice any more friendships. I absolutely refuse. My friends have tried to be her friend. She manipulates her situation with them and then severs the friendship ten tells me "See they weren't your friend"

I understand how frustrating projection is. It is a way for a person to dump all of their emotions and feelings on another. It really stinks when you are the recipient. Unfortunately, this is common for a people who cannot regulate or control their own emotions. It's really tough to not take it personal.

Can you move past things that happened in the past?  It is hard to move forward and rekindle a relationship when you are concerned about who is right and wrong. It can be almost like you already have the mindset that it is going to fail before it starts.

I agree completely with you not sacrificing a friendship. Has she been jealous in the past over your female friends?

Every single one. Accuses me of always cheating and having inappropriate relationships with them.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi , does she have any male friends ? And how do you feel about it ?

[JSF13]

Hi , does she have any male friends ? And how do you feel about it ?

She does and I cannot care. In all my past relationships it has never been an issue. I am not the jealous type. We have had an issue with 2 people she is friends with. They are not good people and I have issues with them from long before I ever knew her. They have made comments to her about causing physical harm on me. That has been the only time I have said no way in hell.

[guy4caligirl]

Hi , does she have any male friends ? And how do you feel about it ?

She does and I cannot care. In all my past relationships it has never been an issue. I am not the jealous type. We have had an issue with 2 people she is friends with. They are not good people and I have issues with them from long before I ever knew her. They have made comments to her about causing physical harm on me. That has been the only time I have said no way in hell.

You might be able to show compassion due to her illness , you as none can work around her, now , having girls as friends to you ... .Is it worth this mess , IMO , neither you or her need to have close friends from the opposite sex , what is the importance of it , it brings nothing but trouble don't you agree you have a smaller problem to resolve ,if this what she's asking for and it's normal BPD or not .If you love her ,you might want to think about unconditional love , remember it's your choice to deal with it , is it worth it , well it all depends on what you want do you know what you really want ?

[livednlearned]

Can you move past things that happened in the past?  It is hard to move forward and rekindle a relationship when you are concerned about who is right and wrong. It can be almost like you already have the mindset that it is going to fail before it starts.

I agree completely with you not sacrificing a friendship. Has she been jealous in the past over your female friends?

Every single one. Accuses me of always cheating and having inappropriate relationships with them.

When she makes these accusations, she is expressing a feeling, not a fact. Often, when someone makes a false allegation, we naturally react with strong emotion to defend ourselves. I find this is the hardest time to validate someone, and the most important time.

It's important to understand that you are acknowledging and accepting how she feels. So if she accuses you of being inappropriate with other women, you find what you can validate and set aside the rest. "It must feel awful to believe that about me." You are accepting that "Jealousy is a really difficult feeling to have." This is different than saying "You are right to feel jealous."

You have to be able to have a cool head when you're the target, and it sounds like you're pretty fed up with her at the moment. This stuff gets a lot harder when your patience is running thin.

I agree with Eaglesjuju, too, that you want to hold that boundary about keeping your female friends. Once you start making concessions, there are usually more demands and it's critical in these relationships to hold boundaries that are important to you -- especially ones that prevent you from becoming isolated. Ideally, you approach boundaries with strength and validate the feelings that can be upset by them. It's hard.

[JSF13]

It's important to understand that you are acknowledging and accepting how she feels. So if she accuses you of being inappropriate with other women, you find what you can validate and set aside the rest. "It must feel awful to believe that about me." You are accepting that "Jealousy is a really difficult feeling to have." This is different than saying "You are right to feel jealous."

You have to be able to have a cool head when you're the target, and it sounds like you're pretty fed up with her at the moment. This stuff gets a lot harder when your patience is running thin.

I agree with Eaglesjuju, too, that you want to hold that boundary about keeping your female friends. Once you start making concessions, there are usually more demands and it's critical in these relationships to hold boundaries that are important to you -- especially ones that prevent you from becoming isolated. Ideally, you approach boundaries with strength and validate the feelings that can be upset by them. It's hard.

I am just tired but not defeated. I do very much love my pwBPD. She has already once isolated me from all my friends and the demands never ended. I now refuse to let her do that to me again especially when I give her every reason to feel safe. She has kept hitting me up nonstop. Then once I broke on xmas she has just been nonstop all day until I stop responding. I will very much hold my boundaries. She has already tried manipulating me and I caught it and refused to give in.

Guy4caligirl: my female friends will always remain my female friends. They have ALL attempted to be cool with her. She refuses to allow it. I will not under any circumstance give up any friend just because she says so. She has absolutely no ground to expect of me to sever the friendship. I could see if it was damaging to the relationship but they are not. Not even close.