Don't be afraid to be alone

[Itstopsnow]

I just counted it has been 47 days of no contact! I feel so surprised at how well I am doing! Why was I afraid to let go and be alone? So many times I knew I should of left. I didn't feel happy and didn't see a future. This guy is perpetually in debt, loves to travel and never save, gambles all the time, changes jobs and careers frequently. And rages at worse, tantrum at best. Really sit back and think what was so great about the uncertainly, the lack of respect or consideration. Was anyone's ex like mine. We always  did  whatever he wanted to do. Vacation spots, he choice all but one. And b___ed the time I picked. Picked the movies we saw, shows we watched, and we went gambling all the time for him. I get the missing them part. But once you stick to NC and start thinking about how you were treated . I think it will help to let go. There are healthy people out there that won't use and abuse you. It's so sad for me to think this guy never loved me. Maybe for a while he might of on a superficial lust love . They love you in as much as you are making them happy and they love you for that. They don't really know what love is . They can't feel it the same ways as we do. They don't trust it, they fear it, and long for it. I do still think of him everyday though. Wondering what his life is like? Chaos or is he chasing someone and very happy . Dating many girls. But I know he won't be happy long term. I know first hand how out of control he can get . I don't miss that. I want something real. It will always baffle me how he could do this and act as if we had such a deep special love. I would of laid down my life for this guy at one point. I did some much to show my love. Now I'm just disappointed. I don't hate him. I took down all I could off that site. I just never got to wishes how ugly and rotten another human being can be. He knew he had BPD. So did his mom. They ignore it. Pretend it's not real. I know it has nothing to do with me anymore. And this will be his lot in life. If he chooses to not get help. Not my problem anymore

[Inside]

“Lust love,” well put   In fact, an excellent summation of what we’ve likely all experienced…  They know something’s wrong, and have for a very long time.  Family protect them.  They become expert at reading other's desires, then throwing all they’ve got at them.  And, it’s all they’ve got … and will ever have. 

And as we’re able, ready, and expecting the r/s to deepen ... .they’re spent.  It’s over, and they’ve no doubt already begun looking for our replacement and their next fix…

We now ‘know them,’ they resent and fear that, so attempt to cripple us before they flee.  Like mugging someone - then knifing them to keep them from pursuing… 

We’re devastated…  So, retaliate... ?  No reason, they’re their own worst enemies ... .and know it...   And though ‘time heals’ - it’s Hard Time.  - But you’ve got it.  You’ve also insight into your own strength, as well as the depth of mental illness amid humanity.  You’ve some hard-earned wisdom, and no doubt stories to share for years…  ‘Healthy’ may now seem boring ... so beware.  But healthy can grow, build, and last… 

You are healthy, and deserve the same.  Stay the course 

[homefree]

And though ‘time heals’ - it’s Hard Time.

So true.

Time passes slowly, but I can use it to better myself. To improve my self worth. It's going to take a long time to heal, but that time will pass regardless of what I do. Might as well make the best of that time, even if I am hurting. Then, if and when I am no longer in pain, I will also be someone who is in a better position than I ever was before as far as valuing myself and feeling good about who I am.

There is a curious side effect of this pain that I am appreciating more and more.

Healing from this wound feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. But I feel I'm making progress, though slowly.

There are other challenges I have faced previously that were too hard for me to accomplish.

But now, compared to the difficulty of letting go and moving on, these previous challenges seem to pale in comparison.

I can use this new scale of difficulty to more easily overcome some of the obstacles I faced in the past.

This means I kind of have a window of time where I can set a goal and accomplish it because the difficulty or challenge of doing it is diminished in the shadow of the massive problem  hanging over me.

It's not a pleasant state to be in, but it does allow me to get other things done that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise, so I can at least look at that as a positive thing.

[Jazzy]

Extremely well put Inside.

[Itstopsnow]

Inside- I really loved your response. It was dead on as well. I do find myself ruminating on what he did to me, for as long as he did with no conscience or remorse that bothered him. But then I realize I'm still in the sickness that is him. Thoughts of him prove to be toxic to my mind. My life has lots of holes and voids no where he once was. I work for myself so work can be slow at times. I am starting volunteer work at two places. And after the new year I'll start dating again! I think I'm ready now. I think once my life picks up a bit. I'll think of him less and less. It's still so shocking that I'll always have this relationship as part of my past. The worse experience of my life. I would never of dated him if I knew his true character. This is their character. It's the main part of who they are. I do agree we all get some hard earned wisdom! I do believe there is a purpose for our life events. Even if it's just to be able to relate and help others on similar situations. If that's the case we all are doing our part.

[balletomane]

The title of this thread reminded me of a spoken-word poem, How to Be Alone, that a friend happened to post on her Facebook when things had just got devastating with my ex. It was a comfort to me. I thought I'd leave it here in case other people benefit.

It's still so shocking that I'll always have this relationship as part of my past. The worse experience of my life. I would never of dated him if I knew his true character. This is their character. It's the main part of who they are.

Itstopsnow, it's taken me about eight months to accept that this relationship will always be part of my past. Like you, I think it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But I have found it helpful to remember that we still can't know the 'real' character of our exes and it's not a good idea for us to try. I spent so long trying to figure out what was really him and what was his illness, but ultimately I realised that it doesn't matter - it wasn't my place to figure out, that responsibility is his to carry. All that matters is that I look after myself now. Accepting that I can never be sure I knew him - and coping with all the uncertainty that entails - was an important part of my letting go.

[Itstopsnow]

That is so true. We didn't know them. They don't even fully know themselves. The bottom line is. Letting in peace is what I'm striving for. I don't hate him. I know he's sick and will coninute to be sick. I know it's a blessing to be out of that toxic mess. I know how grateful I am for not having his issues. I feel hopeful to a better future. I feel sad about what I went through and all the love and I gave and all the pain I received. It was a huge violent violation. But again knowing he is dealing with mental illness makes all the difference to me. Knowing it wasn't what I did. And that he will just do the same thing to others makes me feel glad I'm gone. It helps heal the wounds to view him as he truly was and not just parts of him. We will never know his full character but these broken parts are also who he is

[troisette]

Yup.

"We now ‘know them,’ they resent and fear that, so attempt to cripple us before they flee."

That's exactly what happened to me.

I've never regretted keeping schtum in our small town. Never dissing or discussing him or the break up even when I was emotionally crippled. My recovery only started when I went NC, three and a half months ago. Still avoiding seasonal parties where I may see him, looking forward to a new year, free of him.

[honda6729]

Just looking for some helpful advice. Its been over a year since my BPD wife left me and we are actually officially divorced for a couple months now. When we first met 4 years ago . she was head over heals in love with me and said she had found her true love. Sex was incredible and she said we were soul mates  we got married 6 months after we met but blending the the step kids was horrible since her one son had autism. we would get in fights were she would hit and punch me even over things which I thought weren't that big of a deal.She left once in those 4 yrs, for a couple months but then we got back together,and it just got bad again. When she did finally leave she did it behind my back and stole tax money that I had put aside she also said she was allalone and I found out she had a new boyfriend a month after she left. She acted like everything was fine between us about 2 months before we left but she was faking me out in fact I thought things were getting better. I just cant see how she could just move on from me like I was nothing she also seems very happy with her new BF although a couple months ago she started texting me again saying she just wanted to be friends I was shocked since she left me, we even met up once and she started making out with me but after that she said it shouldn't of happen and stopped texting me. my family and friends cant understand why I would even want her after all the fighting raging and all the lies and I don't know why either! I have even stated dating a new woman who is really cool and seems normal and even more attractive, but I just feel hooked on her and the sex was the best! Do you think I just want her to leave her BF and want me back so I feel she really did Love me and it wasn't all for nothing ? why would I even want this woman back in my life? Not sure although we did have some really awesome great times that were intense in that time! I would like to just get over her but the truth if she wanted me back I don't know if I could resist? But maybe its done its been a month since I have heard from her and no Merry Christmas text or nothing I was even surprised but I will not contact her first. Someone said She did post a FB pic with her and her BF just makes me wonder if he will deal with the same ___ or maybe it was me?

[thisworld]

Alone, I love being alone. My ex came with a narcissistic/borderline harem and my life got filled with these females feeding on my private life and character - and so very obvious lies about that as well. I never invited those people into my life. I'm so glad that I'm alone and not an abuse target for that disordered gang anymore. Alone is wonderful.

[troisette]

"My ex came with a narcissistic/borderline harem... ." - yes, so did mine thisworld. I'm so glad too, that I no longer have to have them in my world. A friend succinctly described them as his "groupies", non-sexual (I think), but they gave him his supply. All so shrill and superficial. It's lovely to enjoy my own company again, and that of proper grown-ups!

[thisworld]

Yeah, my ex described it exactly like that on day 1, Troisette. "I hope you don't mind me having these online groupies." I never knew I was dating a rock star!

[honda6729]

Just looking for some helpful advice. Its been over a year since my BPD wife left me and we are actually officially divorced for a couple months now. When we first met 4 years ago . she was head over heals in love with me and said she had found her true love. Sex was incredible and she said we were soul mates  we got married 6 months after we met but blending the the step kids was horrible since her one son had autism. we would get in fights were she would hit and punch me even over things which I thought weren't that big of a deal.She left once in those 4 yrs, for a couple months but then we got back together,and it just got bad again. When she did finally leave she did it behind my back and stole tax money that I had put aside she also said she was allalone and I found out she had a new boyfriend a month after she left. She acted like everything was fine between us about 2 months before we left but she was faking me out in fact I thought things were getting better. I just cant see how she could just move on from me like I was nothing she also seems very happy with her new BF although a couple months ago she started texting me again saying she just wanted to be friends I was shocked since she left me, we even met up once and she started making out with me but after that she said it shouldn't of happen and stopped texting me. my family and friends cant understand why I would even want her after all the fighting raging and all the lies and I don't know why either! I have even stated dating a new woman who is really cool and seems normal and even more attractive, but I just feel hooked on her and the sex was the best! Do you think I just want her to leave her BF and want me back so I feel she really did Love me and it wasn't all for nothing ? why would I even want this woman back in my life? Not sure although we did have some really awesome great times that were intense in that time! I would like to just get over her but the truth if she wanted me back I don't know if I could resist? But maybe its done its been a month since I have heard from her and no Merry Christmas text or nothing I was even surprised but I will not contact her first. Someone said She did post a FB pic with her and her BF just makes me wonder if he will deal with the same ___ or maybe it was me?