Why is he inventing stories about our dead friend?

[wakingfirst]

I'm still NC with ex w/BPD - doing pretty well.  Now that I have some distance, there are many things I'm wondering about that I was too crazed to think through as I was dealing with him.  Can anyone help me with this:

My ex & I met in college.  We had another friend, male, and the three of us were VERY tight for a number of years.  We did everything together.  I was never involved with this friend.  He was like a brother to me, and like a brother to my ex too.  Sadly, he died suddenly in 2004. I still miss him, and wish I had his support in dealing with my ex.

Other than skipping the funeral, my ex handled our friend's death pretty well.  He loved talking about him, remembering him.

Then, early last yr., my ex suddenly told me our friend had considered me 'magical', a 'special person' worthy of 'special love' (whatever that means!).

A few months later, he told me no one had known just how troubled our friend had been throughout his life.  Only he, my ex, knew how hard life was for him, in particular how tough his relationship with his father was. (My ex has a troubled relationship with his father.)

After that, he phoned me and told me our friend had been secretly gay and had desired him, my ex.  He could offer no proof of this, but knew it, and got annoyed and insistent when I said I'd never noticed this.

Now, none of these things are true.  My ex just suddenly started inventing this stuff.

Soon after that, I did a web page to commemorate our friend on the 10th anniversary of his death.  My ex was really enthusiastic about this, but when the page went up and people started commenting, sharing stories and photos, my ex dropped out of it.  He had nothing to do with it and wouldn't discuss it with me...   When our friend's brother put up an old photo of me hugging our friend, my ex put up a photo of me with himself in almost exactly the same pose, with a big long post about how he, my ex, and I had shared this special bond for yrs. 

I'm just wondering, what was all that?  Were the lies projection?  Was his putting up the photo due to jealousy?  That's what it looked like.  Is he really jealous of a guy who's been dead for ten yrs.?  Or is something else going on?  Is it an abandonment thing?

I know, it doesn't really matter as we're NC now.  But I'm having trouble accepting the way he tried to rewrite, and then disown, our shared history.  In life, he loved our friend.  We both did.  So why is he doing this now?  I feel like if I could understand I could let it go.

[Inside]

If your ex has BPD, it may be impossible to tell what his motives are/ were...  Friendship dynamics are very convoluted.  :)id friends have shared characteristics, history, or drama - or were they a non judgemental entity on which they could trust and depend?  

I’ve also needed to put into context many of the friendships and behaviors of my exuBPDgf, and though in retrospect, some ‘make sense’ (in a BPD context), it’s only speculation on my part…  Sometimes it feels like attempting to figure out crazy just pulls us deeper into the same.  

I now view it as that, crazy behavior that, if it ever had a reason, or made sense in context to the disorder ... what’s it matter?  If you’d like to share your take on your BPDex with family and friends, I suspect you’re free to speculate, and likely not be far from ‘the truth.’  But what I’ve found is, when what you attempt to describe as ‘their reasoning’ begins to ‘sound crazy’ (which it is), folks begin to question why you’d make up such a crazy sounding story to ‘explain’ the behavior of an ex SO…  No win.

My BPDex had one long lasting ‘friend,’ or co dependent gf…  I’d been told any number of twists and constantly changing descriptions of her history with this friend.  I got to know her friend pretty well, too, and what it seemed to me was, we were both doing our best to protect our BPD friend/ lover … as well as hold our personal lives together...

I’d let it drift... fade away with all the other wasted attempts at figuring out someone who will forever remain an enigma ~

[thisworld]

Could he be a bit narcissistic and trying to steal the spotlight in this special thing organized for an old belated friend? Now, he is the one who has the most special info about this person, the person who knew the other person most closely? This reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me about my ex. They were from the same addiction recovery group (online) and another guy who had a lot of trouble quitting drugs managed to get some time under his belt. He was very happy about this and wrote a beautiful thank you note to this group. People congratulated etc. Then my ex posted this long, dark poetic composition only about his troubles, not saying one word to this other guy. His troubles are also important but not right at that moment when someone else was celebrating their progress. Everybody thought that this was very strange, nobody understood why he wrote what he wrote etc. Many people thought maybe he was jealous of the attention the other guy was getting. Your question just made me think of this. 

[wakingfirst]

Yes, thisworld, I think you're right about him saying this stuff so he can be at the center of things - as someone said in a recent post, so he can be the hero of his own narrative.  The only one who really knew our friend, who really understood, etc.  And the web page made him uncomfortable because he couldn't be a stand-out, special person there.  We were like a unit - my ex, me, and our friend who passed away - and I think it must have threatened my ex in a way to see the photo of our friend with me and him nowhere in sight.  I think he's like a child in a way - scarcely believing we two could exist if he wasn't there with us.

Your story about your ex and his recovery group sounds very much like something my ex would do. 

And yes, Inside, I completely take your point about the futility of trying to understand their behaviour.  I think for me, I spent so-o-o long either not telling others about my ex's weird behaviour or minimizing it.  Not just for him but for me.  I knew my other friends would question why I was putting up with him, and I didn't want to have to answer such questions.  So now that I'm NC, I'm finally free to think over all the strange stuff and I can't help but puzzle over it.  I think it's a phase I have to go through.  But you're probably right, that I won't find too many answers.

[Teereese]

 wakingfirst. Trying to understand will drive you crazy. Your ex's reasons and thinking are disordered.

Inside's words hit me as so true because I learned to not share, as I seemed crazy:

"... . Sometimes it feels like attempting to figure out crazy just pulls us deeper into the same.  

I now view it as that, crazy behavior that, if it ever had a reason, or made sense in context to the disorder ... what’s it matter?  If you’d like to share your take on your BPDex with family and friends, I suspect you’re free to speculate, and likely not be far from ‘the truth.’  But what I’ve found is, when what you attempt to describe as ‘their reasoning’ begins to ‘sound crazy’ (which it is), folks begin to question why you’d make up such a crazy sounding story to ‘explain’ the behavior of an ex SO…  No win.

My BPDex had one long lasting ‘friend,’ or co dependent gf…  I’d been told any number of twists and constantly changing descriptions of her history with this friend.  I got to know her friend pretty well, too, and what it seemed to me was, we were both doing our best to protect our BPD friend/ lover … as well as hold our personal lives together... "

Thisworld as well relates to times my stbxh would dysregulate and cause scenes at weddings, funerals, parties ... .he could not take someone else being in the spotlight or center of attention.

He spoke horribly of people in life but in death would speak highly. He spoke highly of people when they fed his supply and gave him what he wanted but would turn once they disconnected from him and his constant needs.

He projected his childhood abuse onto others. He came up with odd and sometimes far fetched ideas about other people based on his projections of his own feelings, struggles, history, etc.

If he shared a feeling, thought, opinion or statement with someone, he would later attribute it to whomever he shared it with as their own feeling, thought, opinion or statement. He would not own it.

[Teereese]

Two very  relatable thoughts

I appreciate this group so much

so he can be the hero of his own narrative. 

I'm finally free to think over all the strange stuff and I can't help but puzzle over it.  I think it's a phase I have to go through. 

I have had family, friends and acquaintances ask why stbxh always tries to make himself out to be the hero. He can do the most wreckless and damaging things but always turns it around to make himself the hero. Quite skillful.