Anxious About Reunion

[SadieO]

Hello.    

I haven't been on here for a long while.  If you remember, my son has been deployed and we have not seen him for a year.  I should be ecstatic.  Instead, I am anxious - - about my dBPDil.  I decided to post, because I have found myself unsuccessfully trying to get things accomplished as we recover from a wonderful Christmas, and prepare for an upcoming trip to see our son and his family.  We leave on the thirtieth of December, if the weather cooperates. 

I'd say I am experiencing a higher-than-normal level of anxiety and apprehension, along with some depression.  Our dil is the "queen of control," and is highly critical of us.  I don't know what to expect, and I would like to be emotionally, and behaviorally, prepared for this trip.  Actually, I would like to be able look forward to it.  I thought that some support from friends would be helpful.

I am looking forward to seeing our son, and our 3 grand children, without hesitation.  I also, would like to have a good visit with our dil!  Is there anything I can do (we can do), to help this visit go smoothly, and help my dil realize that she is an important person to me as well? 

Sometimes she is like trying to hug a porcupine.  She'd like to be the center of attention at all times, and does not realize that we can love our son, our grandchildren, and her too.  She feels the need to be in control of everything and every one.  In the past, she has been highly jealous of our son, thinking that we might try to influence him away from her.  She has gone so far as to take the grandchildren out of our arms.  This summer, I got to hold my little one year old gs for about 20 seconds.  She ran over to me, and grabbed him out of my arms.  When I said, "Can't I 'have' him just a minute," she leaned over and whispered, frighteningly, in my ear, "You can't 'have' my kids.  My husband and I just cried.

No wonder I'm anxious.  Ugh.  Help.

Sadie

[SadieO]

PS  Usually, I prepare myself by reading a book about BPD, or if possible, listen to on my iPod.  Presently, I have "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr that I've started.  Also, "Related by Chance, Family by Choice," by Deb DeArmond (Transforming Mother-in-law, Daughter-in-law Relationships) on Kindle.

Are there any books on Audible, etc. that ya'll think might be inspiring? Even fictions can be entertaining and inspiring.  It's a very long drive.

Thanks

[GeekyGirl]

Hi SadieO,

No wonder you're anxious. You know how your DIL has behaved in the past, and knowing that she likes to be in control, I can see how you'd be cautious about this visit.

Is there a way to reach out to your DIL and ask her what her expectations are ahead of time? Sometimes just asking the question up front will help you gauge where her head is and prepare for what might come during the visit. You could say that you're looking forward to seeing the kids (maybe offer up some babysitting time so your son and DIL can have some alone time). If that doesn't get you anywhere, or you're met with hostility, at least you'll know what to expect.

[SadieO]

GeekyGirl,

Awesome advice GeekyGirl.  We just got a call from our son.  Our gd got out of the hospital yesterday with an asthma attack/cold virus.  They are trying to keep her inside and out of the cold.  We talked and decided that it would be better for all of us to delay the list.   We are covered with snow.  So it will not be a good time for us either.  Best to put our reunion off a bit.

I'm relieved, as this will give me more time to prepare.  And, we don't want to intrude or try and force a good visit.  Better to put it off.

Sadie

[SadieO]

Hi again, GeekyGirl,

I'm kind of curious about your question,

Is there a way to reach out to your DIL and ask her what her expectations are ahead of time?

 Would you mind expanding your thoughts on this.  

Sincerely,

Sadie

[GeekyGirl]

I'm kind of curious about your question,

Is there a way to reach out to your DIL and ask her what her expectations are ahead of time?

  Would you mind expanding your thoughts on this. 

Sure! So one thing that has helped me (both personally and at work) is to try to set some ground rules ahead of time when I know that a situation can be heated or emotionally charged. If you're comfortable, I'd try to e-mail or call before visiting. Basically, I'd say to the person before getting into the situation, "How can I make this easier/more enjoyable for the both of us?" There's a chance that she might ask for something very simple. At the very least, her answer will give you some insight as to what she's thinking. "I'd like for you to stay out the kitchen while I'm making breakfast," is one thing. "Stay out the house between 5 am and 10 pm," is another. If she asks for something that you can handle, try to accommodate it. At least then you'll have tried to make her more comfortable (which may avoid meltdowns later) and you'll know if it's possible to keep the peace during your visit. The better you can anticipate how she'll react, the better you can mentally prepare for the visit.

It sounds like putting off the visit has brought you some relief. Have you had any more thoughts about how you'll prepare for the visit?

[busybee1116]

One thing that has worked for me is to acknowledge that she needs to be the center of attention, has jealousy and control issues. Your goal is to get time with your son and grandkids--and she's the gatekeeper to that kingdom. So let her be the center of attention periodically. Bring her flowers. Stroke her ego by saying how hard it must have been to be a single parent while her husband was away on deployment and that you admire her grit (or whatever--find something true that you can mean). It's not an easy job no matter who you are to be the wife of a soldier on deployment. When you email/call ahead to make plans, let her know you're as excited to see her as everyone else and that you really want to have a good visit with her. Ask if you can bring anything to help her, like dessert, or offer to babysit so they can get some alone time together. Review SET (there are workshops on this site) for defusing prickly situations. Like the holding your grandson moment:

Can't I 'have' him just a minute," she leaned over and whispered, frighteningly, in my ear, "You can't 'have' my kids.

S: Oh, of course I can't have him. He's your baby.

E: I can imagine you never want to let this precious little guy out of your arms.

T:  I want some time with everyone, and as a grandmother, I'd love to spend a little more time with each grandchild.

I like EAR too

E: empathy (try to see her side, deescalate, find a kernel of truth even if what she is saying is crazy)

A: assertiveness (your point using I language, what you need or your truth, not I think YOU are whatever! but how I feel, I want, I think)

R: respect (can we find mutual ground)

I shorten to YOU language, I language and US language

E: Of course I can't have him, he's your baby. BIG SMILE

A: I really want to spend some time with the kids, what grandmother wouldn't? Especially these angels.

R: Let me know when your arms get tired, I'll happily hold him for you. Can I babysit for you later? Let you and son have a date?