A friend of mine with BPD has shut me out

[Azalea]

My husband & I took in a young woman with BPD when she was kicked out of her fathers house. She was recovering from a relapse with drugs/alcohol and was attending our church CR share group and 12 Step study at the time. She stayed with us for 3 months and did very well. She was going to college, attending CR meetings and going to therapy once a week. She started communicating with a guy she barely knew online and the next thing you know he came to visit and she packed her stuff and left to live with him. He ended up being very controlling, selfish and really fits the narcissistic personality. She would call me every other day crying about how mean he was to her and how she was going to come back to stay with us. She did leave him for one whole day but he came and got her and she is back with him. I told her exactly how I felt about this decision and her phone calls & texts became few and far between. She finally called me right before Christmas to let me know that since she was working, going to meetings and going to see her Therapist she would only be able to talk to me once a week. A week went by and no phone call and no answer to any texts. I decided that for her sake and mine to let her know I was going to let her go... .so she could work on her relationship with her new BF and to concentrate on her recovery. Evidently that message was interpreted by her as if I didn't want her in my life ever. That is not at all what I meant... .my last phone call from her was her telling me that I had hurt her deeply and she was not ready to talk and she needed to speak to her Therapist before she could consider talking to me. She saud she was triggered and very angry and then she ended the call. Today I reached out to see if she was ready to talk yet and she pretty much said "I will let you know when I am ready and to respect her by not texting her anymore. I am at a loss as to how to handle this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Azalea,



No matter where it is now, you and your husband did a very kind and loving thing for her

Unfortunately, pwBPD (people with BPD) are often attracted to narcissistic personalities.

Writing what you did, I don't think you did anything wrong by reaching out to her. Maybe she was testing you (in a way where there could be no passing grade), which is immature and dysfunctional. You and your husband are hurt, but this isn't about you, it's about her feelings, which are likely fleeting and uncontrollable at times. She may feel same by hooking up with this guy, and on some level, may fear your disapproval. Again, this is about her.

She's made a clear request (boundary), and as painful.as it might be, it should be respected. Though she abandoned you, in a way (and a core fear of pwBPD is abandonment), in her mind, she may be convinced of the opposite.

I can't say for sure, but it's possible that she may reach out to you at some point. It would help to understand more about BPD and also learn some of the communication  tools developed by leading experts in the disorder, which can help reduce conflict. Not knowing, we often unintentionally trigger the pwBPD in our lives. Though not her parents, you stepped into this role for a time, so these lessons apply:

Lessons for Parents with a BPD child.

Turkish

[mimi99]

It was so kind and loving of you to open your home to someone in need. Unfortunately, people with BPD are often unstable, jumping from relationship to relationship--including friendships. Due to the intense nature of their feelings and the tenous hold they have on reality at times, a new relationship can be deemed "the love of my life" or "the parents I never had" a day or two after meeting. My experience with my 24y/o BPDd has been that in order to bond with the new bf/gf/friend, and to explain getting kicked out/losing custody, etc, the old bf/gf/friend/parent has to become the bad guy. She gains a lot of sympathy and they join forces in hating us--the "abusers, cheaters, rapists" whatever she can come up with to demonize us.

You probably didn't do anything wrong by contacting her. She likely misinterpreted your comments and has had a visceral reaction to them. There's a reason we refer to it as "walking on eggshells". You never know what might set someone w/BPD off, even unintentionally.

The lessons referred to by Turkish are helpful. I wish you the best of luck and hoping that your friend does well and continues to work on her recovery

[thefixermom]

I understand your reasons for letting her go but I'm thinking that any time we tell anyone we are letting them go it is a rejection and I'm not sure that we should expect any other kind of interpretation.  Whenever I've let someone go, I did not tell them I was letting them go as I felt that would create drama and reduce any opportunity for them to reinvest in the friendship should things change.