Saw her today after a year and a half. I just feel so sad.

[Fox Mulder]

We spent four years together. No breakups, no recycles. I think she was a waif type. She cheated on me, and when I found out, she left me for the replacement. Things had been getting better for me lately. Two months ago marked one year of no contact, and five months since I last foolishly sabotaged myself by checking her social media.

Today I was on Facebook. I never really check my own profile, and just had an idle curiosity to scroll through my own posts to see what my page would look like to some new friends I just made. The day after she left me, I had made sure to delete all traces of her from my profile - pictures, tagged posts, comments - but I guess I missed one. I deleted it, but I saw her face for the first time in a long time and - although I'm not crying and curled up in bed like I was in the first few months - I'm still really sad and disappointed that she continues to hold so much power over me.

Being mirrored and idealized felt wonderful, back before I knew there was a dark reason behind how much she seemed to like me. My mind often wanders and I find myself missing aspects of our relationship. I enjoyed feeling like her guardian and caretaker, and it felt nice to have her full attention and admiration every hour of every day. She was youthful, girly, and sweeter than anyone I had ever met - she's the only woman I've ever personally known who enjoys wearing frilly dresses and putting bows in her hair. And the sex - well, it was BPD sex. I'm sure everyone understands that bit.

And then I catch myself missing these things terribly, and feeling angry and jealous that my replacement is probably right smack-dab in the middle of that wonderful idealization phase, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't really real - that she didn't really like me all that much, and was only mirroring and idealizing me so that I wouldn't abandon her. But instead of making me feel better - "oh well, it wasn't real so whatever" - I just feel even worse, because my heart aches for this character she invented, who never existed and who I'll never meet again.

I feel so badly for people who have to see their ex in person after the breakup on a regular, even daily, basis. And I feel even worse for those who are forever tied in some way to their ex because of marriage, children, and the legal proceedings surrounding those things. I don't think I could do it, because seeing my ex's face in a little square the size of a fingertip has brought forth all these feelings from me. I'm fortunate that she's moved across the country. I feel like the sadness almost consumed me completely back during the worst of it. I can't imagine having survived anything more emotionally taxing than that. I'm very proud of everyone on this forum whose story I've read.

I feel strange about posting here again. I feel like it's been too long for me to still be Detaching from the failed relationship, but I haven't really started Building anything, so I feel stuck between those two forums. I would love nothing more than to love someone and feel loved again, but I'm still so haunted by what I thought I had with her. It is hard to go from being told multiple times a day that you are the love of someone's life, that they'd die for you, that they want to be with you forever, that they want you so badly at all hours, that nothing makes them happier than to be kissed by you... .to trying to figure out why this new girl you've been on a couple of dates with hasn't texted you back in four days. 'Real' dating, 'real' relationships... .it all feels so strange and alien and cold to me. Maybe that's why my ex had such a profound effect on me. The BPD 'fantasy', that all-encompassing powerful deep sudden passionate fairy tale romance novel love - it's what I've always wanted, and coming to terms with the fact that it was all a ruse and that this fleeting, detached OKCupid rapid-fire dating scene is all I have left to look forward to now... .it's enough to make me want to stop trying.

Thanks for reading. Love you guys.

[valet]

Hey Fox, that sounds really difficult. I'm sorry that you're going through this right now. 

It's ok to miss everything that comes with our past relationships. You are only human. A year and a half away from her presence isn't going to erase your memory. I know that things change when you have more experience with someone, but the things you did together were real, and with that come the emotions that follow. I know that the initial honeymoon period can be surreal and addictive in some sense, and that isn't an easy wound to heal. It runs deep, usually touching on some core wounds from our past. But that doesn't mean that we must continue to behave the same, nor make similar decisions to those we might have made then.

Take as long as you need. All of this is about your experience, and there's no shame in embracing that. If you feel that you need more time, take more time.

[Conundrum]

Hi Fox, don't feel "strange" about posting. This is one of the few places that understands. That idealization and "uber" love wasn't a ruse. It was an aspiration that is very difficult for a person w BPD to sustain. It would be difficult for anyone to sustain that--bc it's a bit over-the-top. Though it's still beautiful in its own disordered way.

They wish to love--too much--bc when they do--then they will never be abandoned. Though, that wish is an aspiration--filling the gaps. Those inexplicable gaps in personality that are the result of core wounds. And that over-the-top luving is a defense mechanism against their battle with object constancy. Because they need validation in excess of others. So when you can't hold on--and use excessive demonstrations of affection--with a concomitant need for validation and intense stimuli. The result is shaky impulse control--and the relationship suffers. They're unstable. To have a sustainable relationship with a person w BPD means getting to know their various sides and accepting them--or not. It will be different from most other relationships. There will be a lot of forgiveness. Though, I know many will disagree, they also possess a great capacity for forgiveness themselves. At least the progressive ones do--and will accept your imperfections in a less judgmental way than most.

Yes, an unprogressive person with BPD can be a sheer terror, yet a self-aware person w BPD may be the loveliest of partner's in the most memorable of ways--albeit with unpolished relational edges. And that is not an easy thing to forget. Sometime they seesaw from relapse to self-aware.

Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. The fire that you felt does linger in multifarious ways. Never feel shame over that. Remember the qualities that you liked about the relationship and present that to others. One will come along who possesses those traits. When in a more balanced frame it will feel right--again. I wish you well.    

[wakingfirst]

Hi Fox, I want to commend you for your honesty, courage and heart.  Your feelings are completely normal and prove that you are a sensitive and loving person.  Hang in there.

I'm in a slightly strange position on this board, because my pwBPD hadn't been my romantic partner for many years before I recently went NC.  We were close friends, or at least we were trying to be.  Two years after breaking up with my ex I met a man who I eventually married, and we're still together and happy.  Don't get me wrong, my husband has his problems and I certainly have mine.  But we're happy.  So what I'd say to you is, love is possible.  You're right, it won't look like the idealization stage with our exes.  It might be slower, a little clumsier.  But that only makes the sweet parts sweeter.  The key for me was to learn to pay less attention to words and more to actions.  My ex w BPD, even long after we were no longer a couple, would tell me I was his 'shining diamond', that I was beautiful and that he loved me more than I could possibly understand.  But his actions did not match his words. He was selfish and childish.  Whereas my husband doesn't always have beautiful words for me - but his actions are those of a loving, gentle and generous person.  Every day, in countless quiet ways, he puts me and my welfare first.  As you feel ready, do let new people engage your mind and your heart.  But pay less attention to what they say and more to what they do.  You're going to be okay.  I wish you peace and joy.  Take care.

[mrwigand]

We spent four years together. No breakups, no recycles. I think she was a waif type. She cheated on me, and when I found out, she left me for the replacement. Things had been getting better for me lately. Two months ago marked one year of no contact, and five months since I last foolishly sabotaged myself by checking her social media.

Today I was on Facebook. I never really check my own profile, and just had an idle curiosity to scroll through my own posts to see what my page would look like to some new friends I just made. The day after she left me, I had made sure to delete all traces of her from my profile - pictures, tagged posts, comments - but I guess I missed one. I deleted it, but I saw her face for the first time in a long time and - although I'm not crying and curled up in bed like I was in the first few months - I'm still really sad and disappointed that she continues to hold so much power over me.

Being mirrored and idealized felt wonderful, back before I knew there was a dark reason behind how much she seemed to like me. My mind often wanders and I find myself missing aspects of our relationship. I enjoyed feeling like her guardian and caretaker, and it felt nice to have her full attention and admiration every hour of every day. She was youthful, girly, and sweeter than anyone I had ever met - she's the only woman I've ever personally known who enjoys wearing frilly dresses and putting bows in her hair. And the sex - well, it was BPD sex. I'm sure everyone understands that bit.

And then I catch myself missing these things terribly, and feeling angry and jealous that my replacement is probably right smack-dab in the middle of that wonderful idealization phase, and I try to remind myself that it wasn't really real - that she didn't really like me all that much, and was only mirroring and idealizing me so that I wouldn't abandon her. But instead of making me feel better - "oh well, it wasn't real so whatever" - I just feel even worse, because my heart aches for this character she invented, who never existed and who I'll never meet again.

I feel so badly for people who have to see their ex in person after the breakup on a regular, even daily, basis. And I feel even worse for those who are forever tied in some way to their ex because of marriage, children, and the legal proceedings surrounding those things. I don't think I could do it, because seeing my ex's face in a little square the size of a fingertip has brought forth all these feelings from me. I'm fortunate that she's moved across the country. I feel like the sadness almost consumed me completely back during the worst of it. I can't imagine having survived anything more emotionally taxing than that. I'm very proud of everyone on this forum whose story I've read.

I feel strange about posting here again. I feel like it's been too long for me to still be Detaching from the failed relationship, but I haven't really started Building anything, so I feel stuck between those two forums. I would love nothing more than to love someone and feel loved again, but I'm still so haunted by what I thought I had with her. It is hard to go from being told multiple times a day that you are the love of someone's life, that they'd die for you, that they want to be with you forever, that they want you so badly at all hours, that nothing makes them happier than to be kissed by you... .to trying to figure out why this new girl you've been on a couple of dates with hasn't texted you back in four days. 'Real' dating, 'real' relationships... .it all feels so strange and alien and cold to me. Maybe that's why my ex had such a profound effect on me. The BPD 'fantasy', that all-encompassing powerful deep sudden passionate fairy tale romance novel love - it's what I've always wanted, and coming to terms with the fact that it was all a ruse and that this fleeting, detached OKCupid rapid-fire dating scene is all I have left to look forward to now... .it's enough to make me want to stop trying.

Thanks for reading. Love you guys.

Hey, Fox... .For what it's worth, reading your post actually made me feel better. It's been a while since my relationship with dBPDgf ended, and at times I still feel some very strong emotions about it. I don't mean to say that I'm "glad" you're feeling so raw right now, but in a way it does make me feel better to know that others take a while with these emotions.

I second what others have said - don't feel self-conscious because you haven't "detached" yet. It's okay to feel emotions related to your loss. I do think it's important to come to certain realizations internally though. For instance, even though we remember viscerally the good times, and it hurts, do you acknowledge that the relationship wasn't right for you and you can and will do better in the future?

[starshine]

Hi Fox, I haven't been on this site in a long time either.  It was good to read your post, I can relate.  I caught site of my exBPD last fall at the farmer's market.  He didn't see me, I have a new car and he was engaged in conversation with someone as I drove by.  I watched him through my rearview, and as I thought to myself, "You a**hole, I sure did love you with all my heart"- he turned and looked right at my car.  He still couldn't see me, I was about half a block past him.  I was struck with how psychically connected it seemed like we still were.  I cried for a couple hours that afternoon, and was very sad for a few days.  It's been over 4 years since we've spoken.  We were together for 5 years, no break ups and no recycles.  He just moved on immediately.  Some times I check his facebook, although rarely at this point.  He is on relationship number 3 since our breakup.  So, the scab on my heart was picked a bit.  I think in many ways I've healed quite a bit- many people who know me well affirm that.    I have gone a few dates, but seem to be able to pick an alcoholic without even trying.  So, like you, I wonder if it's even worth trying.  Deep down I am an optimist, though, and believe at some point I will meet someone I feel like trying with again.  It just hasn't happened yet.  At all.

[Fox Mulder]

Thank you all for replying and for the well-wishes. I appreciate it immensely.

I'm going to try to be more patient about my healing. I can't help but feel like the loser, still fighting with these feelings of loss so much time later and she's already deep into a new relationship, but I need to resist the urge to compare myself to her because of how completely different our situations are. I keep feeling the urge to go to her blog and read through it in the hopes that her new relationship is crumbling, so I can feel less like an absolute loser for not having moved on to a new relationship yet, but I know that'd be a horrible idea. She's probably doing great, and any trouble she might be having, she'd keep it to herself and far away from the face that she presents to the rest of the world through social media. It'd be pointless, dangerous, depressing. And yet I've had to go as far as to install various plugins for my browser that block me from visiting her pages. They're not hard to disable but they make it a little more difficult to make bad decisions the instant they come to mind.

mrwigand, I'm trying very hard to consider the relationship as having not been right for me, but it's difficult. The relationship itself felt really nice. There were stumbles and arguments, but I enjoyed it a lot more than I'm enjoying being alone right now. I guess, in the long run, the relationship wasn't right for me because we didn't end up staying together forever. But pretty much all relationships have an expiration date. The breakup was probably the most miserable moment of my entire life, but the relationship itself was a positive experience for me. I know I need to let it go, though, it's just hard.

starshine, thank you for sharing your story with me. You've been through a lot and those emotions have stayed with you a long time. Sometimes I worry that I'll never reach that point where I can suddenly come across my ex and feel nothing. I don't know how it could ever be possible. I feel like I identify love and sex and friendship with her. I thought I had known what those things truly were before we got together but being with her changed everything. Now I have to redefine those things again. It's difficult. I wish you the best of luck. I know you'll find someone again someday.

[guy4caligirl]

Fox , I feel with you , we are all in the same boat , hope is our only way to go and grow, best of luck !