Got closure all by myself. Update after 16 months N/C

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been away from this board for months now, but if it weren't for the members here in those first few horrific months shortly after the break up, I wouldn't have made it. So, this is for you people out there still struggling and/or recovering.

I finally got closure and I did it all by myself! In the first few months after the break up with my nd/BPD/narcissitic/stbx husband (divorce is still not final... .) I followed the no-contact rule, but I still wanted to talk to him one more time, ask him why and how etc. I had dreams about him, I wrote many letters to him (but did not send them), contemplated on warning the replacement, wanting to hear from his siblings if they knew about his illness and why they hadn't warned me (one sibling said: damned if I do, damned if I don't, which is probably right) and thought I needed this 'final' talk to be able to get closure.

But lo and behold... .time heals. After fifteen months of hard emotional work, distracting myself, trying to let go, crying, being angry/sad/indifferent/down/depressed/active I was able to listen to 'our' songs on my phone. I listened to the song I 'gave' him first and then I was able to listen the song he 'gave' me. I put the phone down at my feet, still playing the song, and raised my hands towards the sky and gave him, the memories and the sadness back to the universe. I was done with him, with it, with everything. I didn't need him anymore to get closure. It was over, I was healed enough to be able to put it behind me.

Mind you, I still can't recall the happy memories, because I'm still angry with him, but I'm able to move on and I did so in a big way. I'm going to finish my education at age 50 this summer, I got good grades despite everything that happened to me, I remained focused on my future, I spent 4,5 months as an exchange student in the US (I live in Europe) and I was very proud to have made that happen, despite having to leave my three teenagers at home (not his).

Spending time away from home and meeting new people and finding myself in new situations also taught me that the reason why our r/s was so much fun when he was in high spirits, was not because HE was so much fun, but it was because I am so much fun! And not being able to see him anymore has turned into: he is not going to see me anymore, nor his stepchildren or our dog, so it is actually HIS loss!

It was a lot of hard work! But this board, the no-contact rule and listening to the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm (YouTube) while taking the dog for long walks helped me. I have learned that if I set things in motion, I can trust in the universe (or whatever you want to call it) to make things work out in the end.

So, this is just to let you people know there is light at the end of the tunnel and yes, time heals. Trust in yourself. You are not the crazy ones! You are actually quite strong and a very loving and forgiving person that you have put up with someone with a mental illness for so long.

Stay Strong! I wish all of  you a good 2016. Make the best of it. Work hard and belief in yourself. You'll make it, I know!

And thanks bpdfamily.com. You were my saviours!

[Tiepje3]

I have been away from this board for months now, but if it weren't for the members here in those first few horrific months shortly after the break up, I wouldn't have made it. So, this is for you people out there still struggling and/or recovering.

I finally got closure and I did it all by myself! In the first few months after the break up with my nd/BPD/narcissitic/stbx husband (divorce is still not final... .) I followed the no-contact rule, but I still wanted to talk to him one more time, ask him why and how etc. I had dreams about him, I wrote many letters to him (but did not send them), contemplated on warning the replacement, wanting to hear from his siblings if they knew about his illness and why they hadn't warned me (one sibling said: damned if I do, damned if I don't, which is probably right) and thought I needed this 'final' talk to be able to get closure.

But lo and behold... .time heals. After fifteen months of hard emotional work, distracting myself, trying to let go, crying, being angry/sad/indifferent/down/depressed/active I was able to listen to 'our' songs on my phone. I listened to the song I 'gave' him first and then I was able to listen the song he 'gave' me. I put the phone down at my feet, still playing the song, and raised my hands towards the sky and gave him, the memories and the sadness back to the universe. I was done with him, with it, with everything. I didn't need him anymore to get closure. It was over, I was healed enough to be able to put it behind me.

Mind you, I still can't recall the happy memories, because I'm still angry with him, but I'm able to move on and I did so in a big way. I'm going to finish my education at age 50 this summer, I got good grades despite everything that happened to me, I remained focused on my future, I spent 4,5 months as an exchange student in the US (I live in Europe) and I was very proud to have made that happen, despite having to leave my three teenagers at home (not his).

Spending time away from home and meeting new people and finding myself in new situations also taught me that the reason why our r/s was so much fun when he was in high spirits, was not because HE was so much fun, but it was because I am so much fun! And not being able to see him anymore has turned into: he is not going to see me anymore, nor his stepchildren or our dog, so it is actually HIS loss!

It was a lot of hard work! But this board, the no-contact rule and listening to the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm (YouTube) while taking the dog for long walks helped me. I have learned that if I set things in motion, I can trust in the universe (or whatever you want to call it) to make things work out in the end.

So, this is just to let you people know there is light at the end of the tunnel and yes, time heals. Trust in yourself. You are not the crazy ones! You are actually quite strong and a very loving and forgiving person that you have put up with someone with a mental illness for so long.

Stay Strong! I wish all of  you a good 2016. Make the best of it. Work hard and belief in yourself. You'll make it, I know!

And thanks bpdfamily.com. You were my saviours!

[troisette]

Thank you. And best wishes for your future. 

[homefree]

Thank you! This helps a lot.

It's hard to believe there is a happy life awaiting me, and it helps to know others have made it.

Best of luck to you!

[blackbirdsong]

... .

Mind you, I still can't recall the happy memories, because I'm still angry with him

... .

It was a lot of hard work! But this board, the no-contact rule and listening to the Buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm (YouTube) ... .

I found those two things contradictory :D

But thumbs up for Ajahn Brahm... .I listened to your advice, after reading this post a month ago and started listening Ajahn Brahm talks, started even practicing meditation.

It helped me to found something, still not quite sure what is it but I know that I found something... .Some type of closure, different perspective... . 

Thank you for your advice.   

[ladylee]

Thank you for your inspiring post. I put up with my husbands negativity for 9 years. I went from a joyous fun individual that people were drawn to, to a depressed clingy isolated and sad person which is not me at all.  Gradually I am starting spring back. It's is good to hear this state is temporary and we recover.  I'm  glad I found the strength to move out, because it definitely would have gotten worse for me if I stayed. He needed someone to torment for the pain he was in, my being there was making it easier for him to avoid seeking treatment and ruining both our lives. Now I have to focus on myself and the universe is placing interesting new friends  and activities in my path to help me heal.