Co-worker Romantic relationship

[badnice]

Trying to recover

[Anez]

MY BPD ex is a co-worker of mine. See her every day. it's tough, man. real tough.

Is that what you're going through?

[samynet]

hello you all,

Mine is a co-worker too. I see her every minute of my workday, I'm considering to change my job because I don't feel able to handle this situation any longer. I still have feelings, she either and If one of us don't move we gonna be stuck in this situation forever.

Today I feel so many doubts, I blame myself for the break up without any major explanation. I'm hurting and I know how much I hurt her as well... .

thank you for your sharings

[Lonely_Astro]

hello you all,

Mine is a co-worker too. I see her every minute of my workday, I'm considering to change my job because I don't feel able to handle this situation any longer. I still have feelings, she either and If one of us don't move we gonna be stuck in this situation forever.

Today I feel so many doubts, I blame myself for the break up without any major explanation. I'm hurting and I know how much I hurt her as well... .

thank you for your sharings

It's tough, I work with mine as well.  We have a fairly long history and we are ending.  It's well documented in the "conflicted. Need grounding" post I made.  That gives a pretty good summary of our past year together, under non ideal circumstances, and also what's about to take place.  I question whether or not I'm making a mistake by leaving but I also know I need to leave.  The r/s is unhealthy, even though it wants to be healthy, it can't be.

Maybe it's FOG or grief, but the results are the same:  I have self doubt.  Detaching and leaving is a process.  J and I had a 4mo r/s 4 years ago.  We worked together then and it was tough to do but I managed.  At times, it wasn't easy.  This time it's harder because we were closer this go around. 

The one thing you shouldn't do is blame yourself.  I know I have.  I've questioned it all.  I know, logically, it's not all my fault.  Emotionally, I feel if I had been better or done something different, we wouldn't be ending.  But, I also know that's not the case.  J is diagnosed, medicated, and has started DBT.  That still hasn't stopped her from lying to me, being unfaithful (whether just emotionally or physically is debatable), and emotionally abused me this past year and blamed a lot of that on me.  It's hard to not see that perspective when it's the only one presented.  Truth is, she made the choice to do those things rather than end it with me or talk to me about what was bothering her.  I'm sure it was the same with yours.  You're not responsible for their choices, even if they blame you for them (lack of responsibility is a trait, btw).

Good luck on your journey.  Keep us posted.

[Anez]

I have a job that I can't really leave but if I had a job where I could leave I probably would. It's just hard to have to see them every day. tho I do think eventually we will be a lot stronger by having to see them every day, too. If you can deal with that and get through that it can only make us stronger. I hope. Now, does it hurt having to see them? Absolutely. But hopefully over time we'll be able to power through, see them for what they are, and get our power back.

but it's hard and I'm sorry you have to see her every day. I know exactly how you feel. I get in two hours before she does and those two hours feel great. And then I see her or hear her and some anxiety kicks in no matter how hard i work on myself.

Good luck. You're not alone. None of us are.

[Lonely_Astro]

I have a job that I can't really leave but if I had a job where I could leave I probably would. It's just hard to have to see them every day. tho I do think eventually we will be a lot stronger by having to see them every day, too. If you can deal with that and get through that it can only make us stronger. I hope. Now, does it hurt having to see them? Absolutely. But hopefully over time we'll be able to power through, see them for what they are, and get our power back.

but it's hard and I'm sorry you have to see her every day. I know exactly how you feel. I get in two hours before she does and those two hours feel great. And then I see her or hear her and some anxiety kicks in no matter how hard i work on myself.

Good luck. You're not alone. None of us are.

Anez, I can tell you that once the initial shock is over you do manage it better.  Seeing them is always tough but once you find your center again it is easier.

You know my struggle better than some here, that I'm experiencing the end of a "new" r/s with J.  So, I've been through it before and I did get better.  I'm going through it again with a different version of J.  I logically know that I will be ok, after I grieve the r/s and reach acceptance.  Do I "want" that?  Yes and no.  I want J but J isn't who I thought she was.  Letting go of the fantasy is the hardest part.

[Anez]

Yup, astro. the fantasy is the hardest part to let go of. It's definitely what has been making it hard for me to move on.

The first few weeks after our break I'd literally break out in sweats every time i saw or heard her at work. Anxiety overload. My head would have beads of sweat all over it and I was like what the heck is wrong with me?

It's different now, tho.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist as it has definitely helped me. And while I still want her back, day-to-day stuff is getting a little better. Probably even better than I give myself credit for.

[Lonely_Astro]

Yup, astro. the fantasy is the hardest part to let go of. It's definitely what has been making it hard for me to move on.

The first few weeks after our break I'd literally break out in sweats every time i saw or heard her at work. Anxiety overload. My head would have beads of sweat all over it and I was like what the heck is wrong with me?

It's different now, tho.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist as it has definitely helped me. And while I still want her back, day-to-day stuff is getting a little better. Probably even better than I give myself credit for.

I am seeing a T.  I have been for several weeks now.  Her suggestion is to cut off contact (as much as possible) with J to get clarity and move forward.  She is correct in telling me that J has years of DBT ahead of her and the odds aren't in J's favor to start with.  So unless I always want to be tested, lied to, cheated on, and manipulated all the while I have to walk the path of a saint (and be punished when I don't measure up to sainthood), I need to walk away from her.  That's so easy to say on its face.  The practice isn't as easy as the theory.

[Anez]

yup, my therapist says the same thing. He told me he was with a BPD ex on and off again for 10 years. he speaks from experience.

[Lonely_Astro]

yup, my therapist says the same thing. He told me he was with a BPD ex on and off again for 10 years. he speaks from experience.

If he couldn't do it and he's a professional, what makes me think I ever stood a chance?

That sounds like sarcasm, but it's true.  Here's a trained, fully qualified person who couldn't make it work.  While I don't know their circumstances, it's telling that having a r/s with a pwBPD is far from easy (and most likely unsuccessful).  Granted, I could minimize J's bad behavior by saying "she wasn't really that bad, I did bad stuff too" but the truth is I didn't do bad stuff to her.  She chose to hurt me (and hoped I didn't find out, but I did).  I've found myself questioning is she "that bad" and I guess it doesn't matter where she is on the spectrum, she's on the spectrum, which means a true, healthy r/s is next to improbable.

Do I think she meant to be "bad"?  No, not for sure.  Even if I looked beyond the past year and focused on the last 3 months, where there had been zero reason for her treatment of me, I see a lot of deception (at the very least).  Will I ever know how much J really loved me?  No.  I know she did (and strangely, still does), but I also know I have to move on for my own reasons.  If she could love me the way she claims she does, she wouldn't have done what she has to me. 

[bAlex]

Mine was a coworker as well. It really made stuff hard and made NC basically impossible. Luckily she transferred to another dept and got fired shortly after .