My feelings changed and so did the way I perceive his looks

[thisworld]

I'm so loving this right now. When I was attracted to him, he was the most handsome man I had ever been with. (Realistically, I was also aware that I had had some other partners that I found very handsome but there was this special, shining feeling in thinking that he was this extraordinarily handsome man with whom I was a great match:)) Toward the end, this had considerably lessened. The dismissive facial expressions, the anger, the repulsion in his eyes, the dark looks they affected me. Now, in detachment, I think he is handsome alright but that magic is not there. If I find him very handsome, it always comes with a feeling saying "fake fake fake". I even find him physically repulsive sometimes. (This may increase when I delve into sexual trauma, for which I'm not ready, yet, that is blocked for now.)  I think because my initial judgment was enriched with my positive feelings and now that they are not there, handsomeness has lost something. I still know that if I run into him unprepared and if he is on a good day and not posing a threat, my stomach will tighten. Still, I know that he will never be the most handsome man on earth. (That requires eyes with a different expression).

This is a good feeling. How about you? Has your perception of your ex changed in terms of their looks?   

[wakingfirst]

Wow, that's such an interesting question.  Yes, it has.  There's another factor in my case, and that's time.  I knew him for more than thirty years.  So, from his early twenties till his mid-fifties.  He is not aging at all well.  It's not surprising, he's an alcoholic who smokes a lot of dope and had a pretty serious coke habit which he tells me is in the past.  He's an insomniac who commonly stays up for two or three days at a time.  And then there are the emotional ups and downs he goes through.

When we were young, he was absolutely beautiful.  Other men were more classically handsome, but he was just the most phyisically beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  Magnetic.  Now, nearly all that's left of that is his smile.  It's still a great smile. 

I know he's aware of the changes - he's not the proud sexual animal he was, he barely dates, he spends more time on his own.  He doesn't post many current photos of himself on Facebook, preferring old ones.  I would've thought the fact that he's no longer screwing everything in sight would make him easier to deal with, but it's the opposite.  He's very isolated and inward looking, and it seems that has made his lucid moments less frequent and his defensiveness worse.  It's been a long while since I was attracted to him, since my heart beat faster in his presence.  I'll admit, I've had moments of being glad, thinking this is what he deserves.  But more often I feel sad.  Where did that beautiful boy go?  I think his illness has just ravaged him.

[steve195915]

I'm still in contact with my pwBPD and see her quite often.  I still care for her but decided no way would I make a commitment with her as I've been through hell already and I respect myself too much. Instead of going NC I decided this route as a way to slowly detach without feeling the shock and pain of NC.  Anyways while I'm detaching I have noticed that she isn't the most beautiful person in the world like I was thinking before.  She's still attractive but nothing special and when she has her bouts of anger, I see a quite unattractive person in her face, especially her eyes.  So yes I guess my idealization of her looks is dissipating along with my attachment.

[troisette]

Another interesting question this world.

Yes, I thought him very good looking although he had self-loathing of his face and body. Disliked photos of himself and wondered why I was with "such a lump". I think this is not uncommon with BPD. He also had great style, I loved that. (Superficial, moi?   )

I've only seen him once several weeks ago, in the distance. I assume he saw me first as he scuttled past, head averted. I had mixed feelings, realising how short he is. I couldn't see his face but felt the pull in my stomach... .not good. But then I remember the occasional BPD blankness in his eyes... .disconcerting. I don't look at the photos, this must be good. I remember that he can either look handsome or not, depending on the camera angle. And how he hated to see photos of his smile which he thought ugly, I found lovely. So a mixed bag of feelings.

In a perverse way I sometimes find myself hoping that he is at the party tonight so I can ask myself your question. To test if I still find him attractive, if I am still attracted to him. Realising that I am hoping that I don't - if he is there. Sometimes, like you, I think of him with repulsion.  At other times not. But that may be my fantasy memories... .

I knew him at a distance for a couple of years before we became involved and didn't find him attractive then, found him quite a cold person. He turned on his headlamps and I was suddenly very attracted. So this could be part of my brain chemistry - becoming enmeshed and rose-coloured lens? I'm fearful, yet fascinated to see if this is still the case... .

[Itstopsnow]

I thought my ex boyfriend was so gorgeous! I loved his blue eyes and he was tall pretty lean. For a while he got fat but lost it. I also admired him. I thought he was a really good person and that he was religious . But he was counterfeit and a huge hypocrite . His looks do nothing for me now. He actually became ugly. His black soul and they way he talked to me, and treated me and cheated on me. And I see he cheated on everyone. He had no integrity, no moral compass, no belief system . He is not good looking anymore. Maybe superficially . But when you are a hateful person full of lies and deceptive ways. The mask comes off literally and figuratively too! His true self is pathetic not hot anymore

[troisette]

Huge sigh of relief and tra la la: drinks party tonight is cancelled due to illness. So I don't have to break NC and the question of whether I still find him attractive will wait.

Encore sigh of relief. This was a party I couldn't not attend so decision made for me. 

[thisworld]

I'm happy for you Troisette, we don't need any extra stress nowadays  

And it seems that for some of us, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, at least to a degree.

Wow, that's such an interesting question.  Yes, it has.  There's another factor in my case, and that's time.  I knew him for more than thirty years.  So, from his early twenties till his mid-fifties.  He is not aging at all well.  It's not surprising, he's an alcoholic who smokes a lot of dope and had a pretty serious coke habit which he tells me is in the past.  He's an insomniac who commonly stays up for two or three days at a time.  And then there are the emotional ups and downs he goes through.

When we were young, he was absolutely beautiful.  Other men were more classically handsome, but he was just the most phyisically beautiful thing I'd ever seen.  Magnetic.  Now, nearly all that's left of that is his smile.  It's still a great smile. 

I know he's aware of the changes - he's not the proud sexual animal he was, he barely dates, he spends more time on his own.  He doesn't post many current photos of himself on Facebook, preferring old ones.  I would've thought the fact that he's no longer screwing everything in sight would make him easier to deal with, but it's the opposite.  He's very isolated and inward looking, and it seems that has made his lucid moments less frequent and his defensiveness worse.  It's been a long while since I was attracted to him, since my heart beat faster in his presence.  I'll admit, I've had moments of being glad, thinking this is what he deserves.  But more often I feel sad.  Where did that beautiful boy go?  I think his illness has just ravaged him.

Wakingfirst, thank you so much for your comments. My ex has similar problems and he isn't aging well, either. What you are describing is how exactly I imagined he would be if we spent some time together. My ex has somatic narcissistic traits, in love with his body and his sexuality. However, his lifestyle has taken from both and he is having difficulty accepting that he isn't as he attractive he used to be. He's getting slightly older for the age group he enjoys dating (mid-twenties) and because he is dysfunctional, he is limited to online stuff. His peers like myself expect different things from a man and healthier ones - I count myself among them- consider him downright juvenile. I was thinking what kind of a future might be awaiting us and what you describe fits my emotions so well. There was something in me that wondered what might happen when his attention seeking behaviour didn't work on other women anymore, and I can so see this is what would happen. It just fits my gut feelings to a T. Even more unhappiness or resentment for me because one of his basic tools is taken away. Thank you for sharing this experience. This is one of the major things I'll keep in my mind if I feel pulled towards him. Your comment has affected me more than you can imagine. Again, thank you.

[FannyB]

I saw my ex recently and still thought she looked gorgeous - but my perception of the woman behind the immaculately applied make-up is what's different. I see someone who is flaky and inconsistent - whereas before I only saw a woman who I thought I could have a future with.    Now that I've got my head around the fact that she processes emotions like a 5 year old I find that a massive turn-off. 

Fanny