Curious- has anyone ever asked their pwBPD to...

[Jwifeandmom]

1) straightforwardly told them they belive they have BPD?

2) asked them to Read online him/herself about BPD?

2) emailed/show them boards/articles/etc about ppl w/BPD

I think i read on here or another site once ( i am NEW plz excuse me) that it isnt the best idea. But, has anyone? in the last episode I was involved with when my BPDh raged, once he got calm, i TOLD HIM. i asked him to check out something called "BPD" (i dont know that he has done any reading, i HIGHLY doubt it ---this is not his style to follow up/reasearch/back up talk w action)

wondering why iwould do that? Not to arm him w info so he can pass a therapy screening haha but, to HOPE that maybe one time he would take a long hard look and maybe get a  breakthrough by noticing that he does have it?

just thoughts,please

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[babyducks]

It is not recommended for us to initiate a conversation like you are describing.    There are lots of complicated reasons for it.  You can sum up many of them with it tends to make things worse not better.

In the 2 plus years I have been on this site I can think of no examples, no personal stories where the pwBPD embraced the message.     Granted I may have missed an example but typically mental illness is heavily rooted in denial.   

Fixing is something to be cautious about.

[Foolishwizdom]

My husband got the diagnosis of BPD/Cluster B from his therapist.  After we had an episode and separated, I did send him a link.  He found a video and watched it and we had a series of exchanges about personality disorders.  It was not a disaster and it helped give me hope that he can be self-aware for certain moments.

He knows that I continue to read or engage around that.  Recently I shared with him about this message board and will phrase my concerns as that I can not adjust enough. 

So we are able to acknowledge it on some levels but not consistently. And if we had not been seeing a counselor who made the diagnosis, then what I think or have to say would not be trusted or valid.  (It started as couples' counseling and then that counselor became my husband's therapist and I got my own. We tried couples' counseling again a year later and the guy was very particular about healthy fighting, etc. and when the therapist validated my safety concern in a session, my husband lost it. We were told the next time that there was no point in continuing because my husband had to do his own work before he could engage couples counseling. Privately, the counselor told me that I had to decide what I could handle and that if I stayed in the relationship I would become "maladjusted."  It has been a year. 

Husband has not done a lot of reading or engaging since that time. He continues therapy with his counselor and did go on meds to help with depression in May of 2015.  Sometimes now he resents my mentioning stuff as me analyzing him or being too clinical and not empathetic or assuming he is always wrong. His therapy sessions do not have a clear goal or method - he kinds just talks about what is up at the moment from his skewed perceptions.  Sometimes he reports back to me that his therapist affirmed his decision or reaction - and I have no idea if that is really what the therapist communicated.  But he continues to go and makes his own appointments - I do not force or manage them.  The diagnosis and discussion of it does not stop the inconsistency in behavior, thought process, or consideration.

But I don't think I could have reconciled or survived thus far in the relationship without some degree of acknowledgement from him because of my particular personality. I do not handle denial well.

[SummerStorm]

After my pwBPD was diagnosed in June, I discussed it very briefly with her, but only after she told me to research it and then asked me if what I read sounded like her.  I kept the conversation very light and didn't really go into specifics.  I'm not sure how much researching she's done on her own, but after her diagnosis, she only went to two therapy sessions and then stopped and hasn't been back since. 

As babyducks wrote, mental illness really is very rooted in denial, and even my pwBPD's mother is convinced that my pwBPD doesn't have BPD.  So, I just leave it alone and hope that she will someday realize that she needs help. 

[Jwifeandmom]

thank you everyone