Polarity Response

[Notwendy]

It's fine to be expressive of emotions, but when people use emotional outbursts in an attempt to control others, that's where I think it's a problem.

Yes, I agree with that. My whole FOO would WOE around my mothers "moods" and I did with my H.

Somehow for his FOO, all emotional expression was placed into the same category. I know people tiptoed around his Dad to keep from dealing with his anger. Perhaps they learned early on that emotional expression would set him off.

His Dad kept an emotional distance. The family expressed emotions through actions ( and that included passive aggression if someone was upset ).

But I too would not want to participate in emotional manipulation.

I think some people are just more reserved and that is OK too. I tend to be reserved, but it seemed that even that was too much emotional expression. Now, if I want to say something to my H in the best way for him to understand, I need it to be as straight forward and unemotional as possible or I risk it being misinterpreted.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

It's fine to be expressive of emotions, but when people use emotional outbursts in an attempt to control others, that's where I think it's a problem.

Emotional outburst can become a learned method of bullying. Particularly when supported by natural rescuers.

[Notwendy]

Yep guilty of that. It was the only role I knew. My FOO was ruled my mom's outbursts. If momma's not happy then everyone jumps in to rescue.

So that's what I did when my H seemed disgruntled or angry.

Strangely, while I was being painted as the emotional one. "Mr. Logic" would rage and tantrum. Since that scared me, and I was afraid of upsetting the kids, I pretty much walked on eggshells and gave in to whatever I thought would keep him from raging.

But I was the one crying and sad, and arguing back. What was sad to me was that the kids knew we were having problems and thought it was my fault, since he stayed calm and collected and I cried. But they had no idea that I was WOE and very co-dependent.

[waverider]

Strangely, while I was being painted as the emotional one. "Mr. Logic" would rage and tantrum. Since that scared me, and I was afraid of upsetting the kids, I pretty much walked on eggshells and gave in to whatever I thought would keep him from raging.

But I was the one crying and sad, and arguing back. What was sad to me was that the kids knew we were having problems and thought it was my fault, since he stayed calm and collected and I cried. But they had no idea that I was WOE and very co-dependent.

Yep projecting like a cracked fire hydrant. Everything's wet except the hydrant.

The projection is done with such conviction it must be true.

[unicorn2014]

Strangely, while I was being painted as the emotional one. "Mr. Logic" would rage and tantrum. Since that scared me, and I was afraid of upsetting the kids, I pretty much walked on eggshells and gave in to whatever I thought would keep him from raging.

But I was the one crying and sad, and arguing back. What was sad to me was that the kids knew we were having problems and thought it was my fault, since he stayed calm and collected and I cried. But they had no idea that I was WOE and very co-dependent.

Yep projecting like a cracked fire hydrant. Everything's wet except the hydrant.

The projection is done with such conviction it must be true.

That's funny and I can relate however my d15 knows my ex has issues, in fact she prefers him high, that is self medicated, because she doesn't want to deal with his untreated bipolar, and I didn't either, that's why I finally asked him to go. I'd had enough. Then I was finally able to seek treatment for my PTSD which I had suffered with for a very long time. He doesn't believe in psychiatric treatment. In fact he gave our daughter a book about self medicating with marijuana which I promptly confiscated but that's a story for another board.

[Notwendy]

This is a great analogy WW. The sad part, is that projection was something that was so "normal" to me, growing up in my FOO, that to me, if someone I cared about said something to me, I considered it. My mother said all kinds of things to me growing up that, when I consider them are more about her than me. So naturally, when my H was upset over something " I did" , I took it to heart.

However, when people decide they "know" how you are feeling, and there isn't a chance to talk about how you are really feeling, the result is that they don't know- but they think they do. After a while, I got the sense that my H had no idea what I was feeling. I didn't know how to tell him in any effective way and he really believed he knew. What was most effective for me was MC. Thankfully he agreed to it. Now, when I speak, the T serves as a translator. She has the skill to say what I am thinking so that he can understand.

MC has helped me to learn to communicate and also to accept that this kind of thinking is not something I can control. For years I JADED trying to get him to understand me- not what he made up about me, but that didn't seem to help.  The MC has helped me learn to be more straightforward with communication and less emotionally charged. I think Cat's original post is important- not to be emotionally reactive. And boundaries- we have no control what someone else decides to think- but that does not mean we have to accept it as true or react to it. 

[Cat Familiar]

This is a great analogy WW. The sad part, is that projection was something that was so "normal" to me, growing up in my FOO, that to me, if someone I cared about said something to me, I considered it. My mother said all kinds of things to me growing up that, when I consider them are more about her than me. So naturally, when my H was upset over something " I did" , I took it to heart.

However, when people decide they "know" how you are feeling, and there isn't a chance to talk about how you are really feeling, the result is that they don't know- but they think they do. we have no control what someone else decides to think- but that does not mean we have to accept it as true or react to it. 

Yes, I too was projected upon by my mother and unfortunately, as a young child, I didn't have the emotional awareness to realize that what she said was true about her, but not about me. So I believed mistaken things about myself that took me years to see the truth.

I, too, tend to look for the kernel of truth in what my husband says. However, he frequently accuses me of being angry when I am unemotionally stating my truth.

Yesterday he was helping me cook some eggs. (Amazing!) I was in the mood of just having scrambled eggs with onions sautéed in butter. He asked if I wanted him to chop jalapeños. "Nope," I said. "How about if I chopped some ham?" "No," I said, "but you can do that and put some on your eggs."

Then he accused me of being angry. I said, "I'm just being matter of fact, I'm not angry." I could tell that he didn't believe me and I knew that soon I would start to get irritated if this line of questioning kept up.

"So yesterday, you criticized me because I didn't have an opinion about something and now you don't like that I have definite opinions on the eggs?" I knew I might be starting something, but at that moment I didn't care.

He quickly returned to his studio after we finished eating, but he didn't dysregulate. Later he seemed back to normal.