Dilemna

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

All,

My story in brief---about a 2 yr relationship, both divorced, I'm mid 50s, she's mid 40s, kids, etc.  The relationship started to unwind (which means we decided to take a break for the summer) back in June as we parted ways for our respective summer locations.  She connected with my replacement within days while playing him off to me as a "casual friend".  I know irrefutably that is it a much more serious relationship (however she doesn't know that I know this).  Since the split we've met several times, talked a couple times and texted fairly consistently.  The one overwhelming theme has been that she seems to want to keep me tethered for potential future use.

One of the only reasons we've remained in touch recently is because our daughters are best friends.  They both now have their driver's licenses and their own cars so we see very little of each other (hence no real reason to maintain the relationship).

As I'm kind of a year-end guy my thoughts were to say goodbye by the end of the year.  I texted her Merry Christmas and Happy New Year last week.  No response.  Then I receive this gem yesterday:

"At the BHH !"  The BHH refers to a place where we spent one of our most romantic weekends together.  She is well aware that we're on the cusp of New Year's Eve while making me aware of the fact that she is there with my replacement (really---does this stuff ever end?).  Should I:

---Continue with my "goodbye text" plan---thanks for everything (well, almost), I realize that we are going in different directions, best wishes going forward, blah blah blah

---Not respond as I'm somewhat speechless by this latest development

I struggle with my knowledge of BPD rationally telling me one thing and my emotions pulling the other direction.  Thanks in advance for any input.

LF

[Learning Fast]

All,

My story in brief---about a 2 yr relationship, both divorced, I'm mid 50s, she's mid 40s, kids, etc.  The relationship started to unwind (which means we decided to take a break for the summer) back in June as we parted ways for our respective summer locations.  She connected with my replacement within days while playing him off to me as a "casual friend".  I know irrefutably that is it a much more serious relationship (however she doesn't know that I know this).  Since the split we've met several times, talked a couple times and texted fairly consistently.  The one overwhelming theme has been that she seems to want to keep me tethered for potential future use.

One of the only reasons we've remained in touch recently is because our daughters are best friends.  They both now have their driver's licenses and their own cars so we see very little of each other (hence no real reason to maintain the relationship).

As I'm kind of a year-end guy my thoughts were to say goodbye by the end of the year.  I texted her Merry Christmas and Happy New Year last week.  No response.  Then I receive this gem yesterday:

"At the BHH !"  The BHH refers to a place where we spent one of our most romantic weekends together.  She is well aware that we're on the cusp of New Year's Eve while making me aware of the fact that she is there with my replacement (really---does this stuff ever end?).  Should I:

---Continue with my "goodbye text" plan---thanks for everything (well, almost), I realize that we are going in different directions, best wishes going forward, blah blah blah

---Not respond as I'm somewhat speechless by this latest development

I struggle with my knowledge of BPD rationally telling me one thing and my emotions pulling the other direction.  Thanks in advance for any input.

LF

[thisworld]

I would say, if you don't respond, you are being reactive (her reaction is directing what happens and in my experience, that means more unhappiness for us).

If you respond, you are being proactive (carrying on with your intended behaviour whatever her manipulation may be)

I'd go for the pro-active, do what I wanted to do but then stick with my original plan of not getting involved and become a fallback. This may mean not responding after this communication, at least for a long while.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey LF-

I'd make the recommendation that you first make a real decision, do you want to be with her or not, and it sounds like being with her would be sharing her at this point, and then act on that decision.  If you're done, then make a decision as to what to do based on what you won't feel guilty about or regret later, from an objective place, thinking about what is right for your future.  Do the right thing basically, since detaching and healing can be challenging and you don't need the extra baggage of having done something you regret.  And then, it being New Year's and all, also focus on a bright 2016, the one you create the life of your dreams in, and make it compelling so it will pull you towards it.  Take care of you!

[Learning Fast]

TW---I like this approach as it was my original intention anyway prior to her last text and I'm not interested in giving her control of the dialogue.  I don't have an interest in participating as a bench player and the time/distance factor would be therapeutic if a communication cold war ensues.

FHTH---I really don't want to be with her and have absolutely no interest in a sharing arrangement.  My "goodbye" response will still be high-road, constructive and not regrettable (although I did toy with the idea of FedExing something she had given to me on that weekend back to her to give to my replacement ).  Thankfully a cooler head prevailed.

Thanks for the commentary and on to 2016!