Friends don't always understand

[Penelope35]

I am so sad today... .I have been struggling not to answer to my ex's messages (although I have my phone almost glued on me) and I can see that the people that are the closest to me don't understand why I still care. They just don't understand why I still struggle and don't just put it all behind and move on. Today one friend said to me "you need to get your pride back". And my ex wasn't even so horrible as others who I have been reading about on this board. Never cheated, replaced or abused me but still broke me in pieces after many silent treatments, break ups, make ups, push/pull behaviors etc. They have seen all of these and how miserable I was at times and they just don't get why I am still missing him and why it's so hard for me to just ignore his messages.

I can't help but wonder if they are right... .maybe it should have been easier to let go of a toxic relationship... .

[Caley]

Hello Penelope,

It's really very tough when you feel friends and family don't understand what you are feeling. And, it only adds to the discomfort when close friends and family, for the best intention, tell you to snap out of it or get your self together.

This is a difficult time for you ... and it is only the beginning. You say that your boyfriend isn't as awful as some of the significant others other people on these forums have experienced. What I would encourage you to spend a little time considering is what he did do ... the silent treatment ... broke you in pieces ... break ups and make ups ... and push pull behaviour. When you really consider all of this ... he really hasn't been very kind to you has he?

Try for the present not to think about No Contact and reframe it as adopting a No Response. Right now your emotions are not your friends ... they're all over the place and any contact with him is going to keep that emotional dynamic playing over again and again until you become completely exhausted.

Light some candles ... run a hot bath ... lay in it with your favourite magazine or book and saviour the peace you have right now ... you NEED peace ... take it with both hands ... rest, sleep and quiet are your friends ... turn your 'phone off ... try it ... I promise you after a few hours of putting up your shield and not being reminded of your need to respond to his pain by looking at your 'phone will serve you very well.

Take care lady ... you deserve much, much better.

[bAlex]

From the outside looking in it would be impossible for them to fully grasp what you're going through without having the experience themselves. How could they? They don't have basis for comparison, the normal dating rules don't apply here, which to them must seem kinda odd. I can totally relate.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Penelope-

I can't help but wonder if they are right... .maybe it should have been easier to let go of a toxic relationship... .

No need to go there, that invalidates your emotions, something you might have done in the relationship too?

It is not easy to be in and to detach from these relationships, and it's common for folks who haven't been there to not understand, even though they mean well.  Think about it: if it was easy this website wouldn't be necessary and wouldn't exist.  We do understand, and if you're seeing a therapist with experience with BPD they understand too.  Your emotions are never 'wrong', feel them all the way and talk to folks who understand, and you will detach when you detach, and good for you for diving in and dealing with it.  Take care of you!

[Penelope35]

Thank you all so much for reading and replying. I am thankful to have found this page i really am. In this forum you can find understanding. Even by reading posts of others you know your pain is understood.

Caley: reframing it as no response helps i think. He definitely hasn't been kind to me and this is what i am trying to remember every time i am tempted to reply.

Alex Burn: Sometimes i think i probably wouldn't understand it either if i was in their position. What they keep telling me is that i am not responsible for his emotional struggles and that i should stop caring about him so much and take care of my self more. Which is correct, just difficult to accept when you love someone.

FHTH: i have definitely been invaliating my emotions for a long time now... .thanks for reminding me.

Thank you all very much. I hope we all overcome this as painless and fast as possible. I hope  new year brings us all happiness and healthy love

[Caley]

Effectively implementing No Contact is tough ... you really do need to be at the end of your tether and convinced that there is nothing you can do to return the relationship back to the 'honey sweet initial golden period' ... .people with these traits are experts at chasing and seduction but beyond that they have little to no depth.

He will see your attempts at No Contact as a challenge and will employ a myriad of manipulative techniques to break through this boundary ... not because he cares for you but because he will see this as an affront to his feelings of entitlement.

Dear Penelope ... .no response ... take it hour by hour ... then day by day ... in a few days, when you have emotionally stabilised from being away from him will give you the strength to consider full No Contact ... because No Contact means ... 'No Contact ... by any means whatsoever ... No Contact FOREVER.' Which, by reading through what you've written ... you seem to me to be an extremely loving and forgiving person ... you will struggle with initially. These qualities are strengths ... unfortunately he is using your strengths against you ... and, it seems, has been for quite some time. Consider making it a goal to not respond to anything he says or does for three days ... after three days reflect on how you feel and compare it to how you feel now.

You CAN do it Penelope ... you can ESCAPE.

Best wishes and a Happy New Year.

[NCEA]

Actually my friends do understand... .Every guy who had his heart broken , understands.

If anything , it is me who doesn't understand , how after not seeing her for 5 months and almost 3 months of no contact - I'm still on these boards.

I've been with a dozen girls since, I have a very active sex/social life but she's always there in my mind, after all these weeks. I'm glad I figured out she's a nut , otherwise by now I'd have justified it as being "true love", because I've never felt like this before . Obviously the result of mirroring , triangulation , push pull games etc. She thinks she's a seducer but it's just the manipulation of a pysco.

[Scopikaz]

I also understand exactly. My ex gf (dated a year and a half, she walked out five weeks ago) I've struggled greatly to not reach out to her. The longest so far was 2 days. I'm at the two day mark again. It's tough. But she's made it clear she wants to be alone. And she's had family stuff come up this past weekend (ex husband who has custody refused to let her see her children this week for Christmas. Also girl she lives with refused to let her mother and stepfather come this week for Christmas).  So she's playing the victim again and saying on Facebook she's hit rock bottom. 

Trouble is if you really hit rock bottom you make a change in your life.  Acknowledge you need help. Seek help from outside sources.  I can almost guarantee the only place she will seek help is in a bar. Or alcohol. Or from a man.

I love her but it's time to finally let her go. I've offered all

The help I can (offered to pay for her counseling if she wanted to go.  To help pay for a lawyer if she wants to go to court about kids.   Told her I'm here if she needs.  Told her she can come back here.  Etc. on all fronts she's refused help.

So there's no amount of begging pleading texting offering help talking etc that can change her mind.  She's moved on. Has hit "rock bottom".  Is playing victim. And I guarantee is trying to meet someone else and hitting bars with her new so called "friends".

[Penelope35]

What I am doing is I am  trying to see his behavior exactly like it is. Selfish and self centered. You don't expect a man who says it's over (for the fifth time in 9 months) to keep sending messages saying I miss you and love you and blah blah. He doesn't want to be with me but he also doesn't let me go. In these messages he has never asked how I am doing. He never considers if his messages make me feel worse. It's sad now that I can see this more clearly.

I have never felt angry towards him which I know is not a very good sign for my recovery. I am just sad all the time. I am sad for not experiencing all of those things he made me picture in my head and I am also sad for him, cause I know he will never work on his issues. Maybe I am wrong but I never doubted his feelings for me because everytime he misbehaved he would come back and apologise and say he doesn't understand why of all the people he keeps doing this to me. Other times he would admit that he was sabotaging the relationship because he was scared i would abandon him. In one of his last messages he said i hope i can find the strength to work on my self and then you will see how much i love you. But whatever the case is,  I can't do it anymore. I have done everything I could. EVERYTHING. And the more I did the more broken I felt.

I need to be strong and stick to no response. I hope I can do it. And I hope everyone finds the strength to do what's best for them. It's so hard to know that I need to keep no contact forever. It's unbelievable actually... .but it seems like he hasn't left me with any other option... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I am sad for not experiencing all of those things he made me picture in my head... .

If he can make you picture things in your head, then so can you.  And those pictures were there the whole time anyway, he just adjusted your focus.  So pulling out the mental paint brush, what do you want 2016 to look like?  It can be whatever you want, whatever you create, you are in control, and he can be so far over the horizon in that picture that you can't even see him.  Maybe you're sitting on a blanket at a picnic on a warm spring day, surrounded by empowering people, with a big smile on your face.  I'm likin' 2016 pretty well already!  Time to get painting?

[Penelope35]

I am sad for not experiencing all of those things he made me picture in my head... .

If he can make you picture things in your head, then so can you.  And those pictures were there the whole time anyway, he just adjusted your focus.  So pulling out the mental paint brush, what do you want 2016 to look like?  It can be whatever you want, whatever you create, you are in control, and he can be so far over the horizon in that picture that you can't even see him.  Maybe you're sitting on a blanket at a picnic on a warm spring day, surrounded by empowering people, with a big smile on your face.  I'm likin' 2016 pretty well already!  Time to get painting?

I have been trying to say these things to my self. That since I felt so strongly about this man, I now know that these feelings are there inside me and I can find someone who will be accepting them and reciprocate. Same with the pictures I have painted. We all deserve to make these pictures a reality. Sometimes I am positive but sometimes I loose faith... .but thank you all so much for the encouragement. Even following each others' stories helps.

[Penelope35]

These qualities are strengths ... unfortunately he is using your strengths against you ... and, it seems, has been for quite some time. Consider making it a goal to not respond to anything he says or does for three days ... after three days reflect on how you feel and compare it to how you feel now.

You CAN do it Penelope ... you can ESCAPE.

Best wishes and a Happy New Year.

This is exactly how I feel. That my strengths became my weaknesses in this relationship. Thank you for the encouragement Caley. It helps a lot. Best wishes to you too! And to everyone!