Knife wielding wife

[twitchy]

UBPDw came at me with a knife; I disarmed her and left the house.  Now she keeps calling me and texting.

That was 7 hours ago. She just texted asking why I didn't bring her along, that I keep hurting her. And where are you, Happy New Year to you.  I guess she forgot what she did.

I haven't replied to any calls or texts.

[thisagain]

Yikes. Stay safe!

[Herodias]

Been there- done that. Be careful, it now gets worse. At least that's how it went for me. The more I accepted, the worse treatment I got. You need really really strong boundaries now. Good luck and stay safe.

[twitchy]

Thanks y'all, it is getting close to 24 hours since I left the house. I'm at my brother's recuperating.  He's a big help, he has gone through similar circumstances.

I have turned off my phone and I am thinking things through.  I had made the decision to stay with her and things exploded yesterday.  We had been house bound since Saturday because of weather, I guess we got cabin-fever.

I have decided not to allow her to attack me again so I will have to stay away.

[twitchy]

Well, I was surprised to find an email from her, i didn't open it but i read the subject line which asked forgiveness and to please trust her again.  I find it hard thinking that she might be distraught being alone and all.  but then I remember her look of anger as she approached me holding the knife above her head. 

[Herodias]

I know what you mean... .I can still see the "crazy eyes" he had when he had his hand over my mouth as he held me on the floor! It's like they are outside their own bodies, like they aren't totally aware of what they are doing... .which is scary as hell!  I don't want to believe that he would really hurt me, but who knows. I called the police which made him actually afraid of me! Ridiculous! I am not sure what to tell you, but what I have learned as I said is that if you accept that behavior- things get worse because they don't respect you at all. Mine ended up being really angry and mean to me and making me leave my home last Xmas... .then he brought a co-worker into our bed which was my final boundary crossed. I feel traumatized and he is now in another r/s with a pregnant gf. She has no idea what she is getting into. I will never forget his Mother telling me in the beginning " I do not know what he is capable of"... .What could have been more clear than that? His Father and I were so dumb after he had me on the floor... .we thought, he wasn't really trying to kill me. His Mother said she wanted to knock our heads together! How could we be so dumb... .I guess it's  because you don't want to think someone who is supposed to love you could be so evil. They have anger and rage issues that they need to resolve. I don't think it ever goes away until they deal with them. I am sorry you are going through this, but I think you are being smart saying away. She would have to do something major to make a change. Your boundary may save yourself allot of agony if not your life. Many of my friends and family were very afraid for me. Sounds like you have family that is looking out for you as well. Our mistake is not listening to them- they are the ones who care about us the most. I hope you continue to be safe... .

[twitchy]

wow Blue! That was so scary for you! 

Yes, that is a good description of her eyes too, crazy eyes and full of rage!  I have consistently told her she has anger issues and should get therapy but she refuses.

I will continue to be careful; I don't know how she will react when I continue to avoid her.

[Herodias]

How long were you together? Mine refuses help as well... .actually he has had tons, but never really does the real work, just manipulates the therapists.

[Turkish]

twitchy,

Do you feel safe going back? Assault with a deadly weapon is a serious crime. This one seemed impulsive, driven by her inability to control her rage. What could happen next time?

T

[twitchy]

@Herodias: We were together for 3 years before we married and in two days we will complete 1 year.  I saw some strange behaviors off and on those 3 years, anger outbursts when we were on road trips.  Sometimes she would undo her seatbelt and open the car door when we were driving on the interstate.  I thought she had anger issues from her previous abusive r/s.  but the BPD didn't surface until the day after our wedding. During our honeymoon she totally lost it, all night she was raging then calmed down the following day, then that night it started again only this time she emptied a bottle of Tylenol, I called 911 and she spent the remainder of the week at psych hospital for evaluation.  They thought she had anger issues from that r/s and sent her home and "promised" to see psychologist but refused to go.  That's when I discovered BPD articles when I googled "walking on eggshells"  This has been a long year.

@Turkish: I really don't feel safe, she has "attacked" by throwing things at me, hitting me, but most of the time it doesn't hurt, once before, she came at me with a kitchen knife in each hand. I disarmed her then also without getting cut, but I felt nervous seeing the knives whenever I helped out in the kitchen, but I never mentioned them.   Last Tuesday, when she was throwing things around and she spotted her wedding dress and started pulling at it, then she saw the wall heater and decided she was going to burn it.  I intervened at that point and stopped her.

What is odd is she had been doing so well. Then this happened this week.

[twitchy]

I really don't know what could happen next. 

[Mutt]

Are you staying at your brothers? I think that is a little more than cabin fever. I agree with Turkish that assault with a deadly weapon is serious.

[Turkish]

I really don't know what could happen next. 

It's too bad that whatever services are available at the the respond to the immediate crisis. The bar for involuntary commission for phsychiatritc care may be too high.

Given her history of not only attempted suicide (you did the right thing by callng 911), but also the episodes of domestic violence, she doesn't sound likely to seek help on her own. As her husband and mate, it's good to help her, but not at the expense of your own safety.

You're safe now with your brother. Statistics show that the worst cases of DV happen when the abused partner returns. Having a plan is crucial:

Safety First

As a man, there are some additional considerations than if your roles were reversed, say:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

This is the second instance where she has assaulted you with deadly weapons (by the law in my state, the incidents you describe fit this definition)...

Have you thought about reaching out to a local DV resource? You can do so anonymously, and they can provide you guidance and live support.

T

[Mutt]

twitchy,

Turkish gave you good information. I sent you a number. It helps to talk to someone understanding that can help you by looking at all of your options and plan accordingly. Can I get you to call the number?

[twitchy]

Thanks Mutt and Turkish, I have been reading all day trying to find out what my options are.  I will read those articles and call the numbers.   I am keeping my distance until I have my safety plan in place.

[Herodias]

I hate this for you... .They always seem to get worse after they are married. There are the signs we ignore in the beginning... .Strange ho they seem to do similar things. Mine was bad on road trips and attempted to jump out of a moving car as well. Scary!  I hope you come up with the best choice for you.

[twitchy]

Thanks Blue, I'm thankful for these boards.   It is good to share with someone about our troubles.  i trust that things will work out.

[RR4U]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Glad to hear you are somewhere safe and with someone who is supportive. The "rage" face is the most bizarre face I've seen.  Take care of you! They know all the right words or triggers to keep us around and feeling sorry for them. good luck with everything and know you are not alone

[twitchy]

Thanks for your words RR4U.

[RR4U]

Your welcome. Just checking in to see how you are doing. 

[Grey Kitty]

twitchy, I've got a few things to share with you.

First. YIKES, that is scary. I'm relieved that you are safe, and glad you are keeping a safe distance. Please keep taking good care of yourself your first priority, and let her sort herself out.

Hang in there! Things will get better.

Second. If you do engage with her again, please understand this about abuse: There is a tendency toward escalation over time. You've seen her going from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse (which isn't putting you at risk of death or injury), to physical attacks that could seriously harm you. You *really* don't want to be around for the next level of escalation.

Those links are a good start, and local resources are very important.

Please sort all this out to get yourself stable and secure... .then think on what to do about your marriage next.

[Herodias]

"Second. If you do engage with her again, please understand this about abuse: There is a tendency toward escalation over time. You've seen her going from verbal/emotional abuse to physical abuse (which isn't putting you at risk of death or injury), to physical attacks that could seriously harm you. You *really* don't want to be around for the next level of escalation"

I agree and have seen this myself... .I wonder though, does this happen with the next person as well? Do they get violent with them and test them? If time goes by in-between and they come back to us, do they repeat the pattern then too? Does anyone know if our exes ended up violent with the next person?

[Grey Kitty]

I agree and have seen this myself... .I wonder though, does this happen with the next person as well? Do they get violent with them and test them? If time goes by in-between and they come back to us, do they repeat the pattern then too? Does anyone know if our exes ended up violent with the next person?

People who have abusive patterns (that aren't treated/changed) tend to start with small boundary violations, perhaps so subtle that you would hardly notice, and escalate somewhat gradually. If you have good boundaries and do not let the first boundary busting behaviors go unchallenged, full-blown abuse is unlikely to happen at all. (The abusive person may shy away from somebody with good boundaries, thinking them mean, uncaring, or some such, rather than continuing a relationship that is healthier.)

I am *NOT* blaming the victim of domestic violence here, but I will say that some people choose not to accept the behavior that would lead up to it, and thus may not experience it, even from an abusive person.

[twitchy]

Thank you all for your support!

Right now, my head feels like it is going to explode! but it is helpful having y'all around to listen to me.

I was just telling my brother that it has been awesome that I have been able to sleep through the night without being awakened at 3 am or not allowed to fall asleep to hear about how she can't sleep for various reasons .

I dread returning to work tomorrow because she knows where I work. (I have been off the grid this past few days.)  It's not that I fear that she'll come and pick a fight, but I just don't want to deal with the drama that comes with the making up phase. She will be all "lovey-dovey", I'm sorry, I won't do it again…

Blue: I feel for her next "rescuer", I suspect that all the issues she has with me will be added to whatever she is carrying and will be unloaded onto him.  I wonder too, will she reset and start over with him or will she be at the level she is with me?

@Grey: At the start of the relationship, I would just laugh off the boundary violations, I didn't realize they would escalate until I found myself walking on eggshells.  It just sneaked up on me.  I should have been on my toes and not allowed her to get away with things.  I guess I didn't want to scare her away.

[Grey Kitty]

Don't beat yourself up over how you allowed things to escalate over the years.

Like most of us here, the reason I know is I've lived it myself. I also managed to take it back down, but never had worse than a slap before I turned it around. Because things have gone farther with your wife I'm suggesting caution rather than what I did.

Let us know what happens at work.

[formflier]

  Good luck at work.  Did you call the number that Mutt sent?  bpdfamily is a great support network.  You also need trusted people close by to offer support as well.  Safety first!    

FF

[twitchy]

Hi ff,

I called the number but didn't talk to anyone, I'll be speaking with a local attorney in the morning.

I agree about bpdfamily, everyone is very supportive and helpful.


At work, I spoke with my boss and he said not to worry, he has dealt with problems like this before.  The day went smoothly except that this morning, my udBPDw texted that her car wasn't working.  I didn't trust her so when I was sure she was at work I took her car to get the battery replaced.  I had not replied to her texts or answered her calls since I left Thursday.  But I did text her that her car was ready and to get a ride.  (She was asking me for a ride.)  Just short and to the point message.

I don't fear for my safety, at least while I'm awake. I'm avoiding all those promises of "I'll be nice, I've learned my lesson... ."  like I haven't heard it before.

[Aussie0zborn]

I find your situation very disturbing but glad to see you're taking the time to process it all. Don't underestimate the meaning of her coming at you with a knife. At that point in time she wanted you dead so her job now is to convince you otherwise so expect the sweetness/the tears//the love bombing / ____________ (insert her style here) until the next time it happens. 

I see an acute difference here between men and women... .had you done what she did, you would be in jail right now. I wont ask why you didnt report it to the cops as I have been there myself. Not reporting each incident was a mistake.

As already mentioned, once the first boundary is successfully broken, the rest follow and my experience is that not only do they disrespect you for it but they actually come to resent you for your weakness in allowing it to happen.

Fixing her car was one such weakness. I know, I know... .we like to be seen to be doing the right thing but she should already be in jail by now. I haven't heard of anyone here getting any thanks for "doing the right thing". Going back usually makes it worse as their logic is such that if she stabs you in your sleep she will blame you for going back and "allowing" it to happen. Something like that. A stab in the eye socket while you sleep has gotta hurt more than admitting you made a mistake in marrying her.

Take your time, think it through and don't allow yourself to be her punching bag. Right now you're alive, you're safe but it seems you could have been in hospital or even dead.  I would think this is a good time to run as fast as you can. Good luck.

[twitchy]

Hi AussieOzborn,

I appreciate your words, you have verbalized what I have been thinking.  That is why I am still keeping my distance. 

I fixed her car so she doesn't have an excuse to leave the house.  I am studying my options.  I spoke with a local attorney about this, he also said I should have contacted the police but I wasn't thinking at the time.  I was so angry with her that I didn't want to do something I would regret so I left.  Even now, I can't seem to think clearly.

My brother has been helping, he says she knows my weaknesses and knows how to manipulate me. She is working on trying to get me to come back, she's working on restoring our marriage, etc.

yes, I have allowed her to break my boundaries or should I say I didn't establish any boundaries.  I wish I had discovered this board 4 years ago, perhaps I would have noticed the red flags and either left or set up boundaries way back then.  I have learned about boundaries since being here and things had been going better for a while, she seemed like a different person.  She had stopped the physical attacks but continued with verbal attacks but I would enforce a boundary and she would back down.  The dysfunction would only last a day to a day and a half. and it would be quiet for longer periods of time.  Then this last one escalated very fast, withing 2 hours of starting, it flared to the knife attack. 

[formflier]

  Twitchy, I think I see where you are going with this.  Are you an acts of service guy (love language) perhaps?  Why not let her get her own battery?  Most places will swap it for free.  Nothing in particular "wrong" with what you did.  But if you are going to let her be on her own, or experience that, let her experience it.    

FF