Why do they do this?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

Thanks to everyone on this website and their knowledge, I'm able to understand what went on in my then-relationship better. I've learnt a lot about abandonment, engulfment, splitting etc. Here is another thing and I would like to learn the mechanism behind this:

Whenever my ex and I talked about us (and he is still doing this to the best of his power in LC), the moment the issue shifted from his blaming me to what I needed, wanted etc, my ex managed/manages to go away. This escape may be in many forms, he's gotta sleep all of a sudden, a headache hits him, he needs to something (anything) but just drops it and leaves. Even when I ask for something very clearly (ex: "You are an empathetic person, you know you read me so well and I so need your empathy right now." I thought maybe this is something he does to not dysregulate, but maybe it's about not taking responsibility, it certainly felt invalidating when we were together (it doesn't anymore). But does this happen and what kind of feelings does the pwBPD go through when they are doing this?

[thisworld]

Hello everyone,

Thanks to everyone on this website and their knowledge, I'm able to understand what went on in my then-relationship better. I've learnt a lot about abandonment, engulfment, splitting etc. Here is another thing and I would like to learn the mechanism behind this:

Whenever my ex and I talked about us (and he is still doing this to the best of his power in LC), the moment the issue shifted from his blaming me to what I needed, wanted etc, my ex managed/manages to go away. This escape may be in many forms, he's gotta sleep all of a sudden, a headache hits him, he needs to something (anything) but just drops it and leaves. Even when I ask for something very clearly (ex: "You are an empathetic person, you know you read me so well and I so need your empathy right now." I thought maybe this is something he does to not dysregulate, but maybe it's about not taking responsibility, it certainly felt invalidating when we were together (it doesn't anymore). But does this happen and what kind of feelings does the pwBPD go through when they are doing this?

[enlighten me]

Hi Thisworld

I cant answer for certain but I think it has to do with not being able to handle the pressure. If they have difficulty coping with their own problems then having others to contend with may just be too much for them. They may have come up with their plan and are just managing to stick to it but the addition of having others problems could cause them to just bury their head in the sand.

[thisworld]

I agree with you Enlighten Me. Maybe there is low self-esteem, a fear of rejection underneath. It's sad that they experience that pressure but unfortunately, we happen to exist.