Raging vs.punishing

[kc sunshine]

My ex and I have had two big breakups-- one in the summer of 2014 and one this past fall (October but the breakup was only final in December). They have been distinctly different, and this one has been much more damaging than the past one.

In the one in 2014, she mostly raged at me, calling me names and telling me I ruined her life and other stuff. In the one this past year, she isn't raging so much but instead doing and saying things that are terribly hurtful -- e.g. getting together with someone at a show we were both at (in front of me), I think in part to punish me for not going to this errand she had wanted me to go to earlier with her. We talked the other day and she told me what a nice holiday she is having "because she's not in a traumatic relationship anymore." These kinds of things are heartbreaking to me because I didn't want the relationship to end, but more than that I'm beginning to think that they are being done to punish me. Is that over the top? 

[C.Stein]

I got replaced and she is moving away.  That is my punishment.

[kc sunshine]

Also, the rages were easier to detach from. The punishments feel brutal on a whole other level. Part of the difference is that I was more distant from the rages (they were during talks about the , etc), but the punishing behaviors are in day to day life.

Did other people have multiple breakups that had this difference to it?

Previously, I had been thinking about NC as a way to facilitate detachment, but now I am thinking of it as protection from emotional abuse.

[kc sunshine]

I got replaced and she is moving away.  That is my punishment.

What were you punished for?

[once removed]

no kc sunshine, i dont think thats over the top, though its impossible to know whats going through her head and one can assume its complex, and may shift rapidly. it could be insecurity around you.

may i ask why youre still in contact and what the nature and frequency of it is?

[kc sunshine]

no kc sunshine, i dont think thats over the top, though its impossible to know whats going through her head and one can assume its complex, and may shift rapidly. it could be insecurity around you.

may i ask why youre still in contact and what the nature and frequency of it is?

Hi once removed,

We're still in contact because she wanted to be friends and, heart of hearts, I'd still like to be in a relationship with her. I was trying to keep our contact low key and friendly but it is getting more and more painful. She texts and calls a couple of times a week. Sometimes it is a pull (e.g. telling me that she dreamed about me) and sometimes it is a push (telling me how great a time she is having without me). I've been trying to minimize my texts to her, but this holiday stretch has been hard and I called her on Xmas and New years. I'm thinking about a 30 day no contact thing, just to insulate myself from the devaluation during this tender post-break-up time.

What do you mean about insecurity about me? What might that look like (as opposed to punishing, etc)?

Thanks so much for thinking about this with me.

[Herodias]

I think it's common to have several breakups... .I did with mine as well. The whole push/pull thing. Although sometimes I feel like this is their way of creating drama and keeping emotions high when things get dull to them. Makes them feel "alive" and reuniting brings on that "love" feeling you have in the beginning. I know it's tough when you want to keep in contact to see how things are going with them, but it isn't making you feel any better really and it keeps you on a string to them. The little hooks are the nice things they tell you that anyone would want to hear. Mine tells me good things and bad... .all depending on how he is feeling. It get's more obvious as time goes by. Work on you and try not to be so available. Once you figure out what you were thinking getting into this type of r/s, you may be able to detach and find a healthier person if you so choose.

[once removed]

Hi once removed,

We're still in contact because she wanted to be friends and, heart of hearts, I'd still like to be in a relationship with her.

thats okay! no judgment, just helps me better understand your situation. no need to be hard on yourself for calling her.

about insecurity: my point was mostly that its hard to say where shes coming from. if i was an insecure person and i ran into an ex, what better way to cope with it than to pose with someone else? i might do it to punish you, to show you what youre missing, or because im just very uncomfortable and dont know what else to do. any number of immature coping mechanisms. it does sound like triangulation, in which you are the persecutor and someone else is the rescuer; not participating is the best course of action in that case.

there are as many possibilities as there are potential ways to handle it. can you tell us some more information? how do you respond when she says these things?

[kc sunshine]

Hi once removed,

We're still in contact because she wanted to be friends and, heart of hearts, I'd still like to be in a relationship with her.

thats okay! no judgment, just helps me better understand your situation. no need to be hard on yourself for calling her.

about insecurity: my point was mostly that its hard to say where shes coming from. if i was an insecure person and i ran into an ex, what better way to cope with it than to pose with someone else? i might do it to punish you, to show you what youre missing, or because im just very uncomfortable and dont know what else to do. any number of immature coping mechanisms. it does sound like triangulation, in which you are the persecutor and someone else is the rescuer; not participating is the best course of action in that case.

there are as many possibilities as there are potential ways to handle it. can you tell us some more information? how do you respond when she says these things?

Mostly I ignore it, or joke about it. E.g. when she said she didn't like my xmas gift, I said shoot, I'm 0/2 (she didn't like my bday present either) in the moment. But afterwards the comments stay with me and settle into my soul in a bad way.

[C.Stein]

I got replaced and she is moving away.  That is my punishment.

What were you punished for?

For being a human being with emotions.