Our not repeating patterns as they do...learning to move on.

[Herodias]

I was watching a talk about moving on from a failed relationship and how to make sure you don't repeat the cycle and take your issues into your next relationship.  They definitely say it is best to take time in-between relationships (which we know our BPD's do not do). Probably why they take their issues with them and repeat patterns themselves... .They said to own your part of the relationship that contributed to the failure. Now, they also said this was very hard to do... .especially when the other person did most of it! LOL So, my little sliver of fault  I have decided was that I failed to see the red flags. I failed to listen to the advice of my friends and loved ones who turned out to be correct. I also ignored that little voice in me that felt something was "off". I also decided to ignore the the flat out, in my face lies, because I was so "happy" I figured I could forgive him. Which leads to that "what was I thinking?" question, that we are suppose to not only ask, but be sure and answer! What was I thinking?... .I don't think I was : (  I thought I was so in love and so happy. I don't think I took the time to learn from my previous relationship that was bad. This one gave me all the attention that I didn't get from the previous one. Lesson learned... .listen to our friends and family. They really are looking out for us and are not trying to make us unhappy. Take time to learn about people and do not accept bad behavior in any way. We have boundaries and rules that we need to abide by at all costs. Even if we feel we are running out of time or that we will never meet anyone again. It just can't be true- It just can't. The program said if we can own our part, learn to forgive, and give things time, we can eventually become healthy ourselves and attract healthy people to us. I see now why our BPD's can't possibly run from relationship to relationship and ever be happy. They never take time to heal their issues and they take them into their next r/s and blame everyone else. They also said Self absorbed people make self absorbed decisions. Healthy people make healthy decisions... .This all makes sense to me. As much as we want them to think about what they are doing and get help for their choices, I suppose we need to look at ourselves as well.  Hard to do, but necessary to be able to move on in a healthier way.

[Itstopsnow]

Don't feel bad, I had the exact same experience as you! Over looked so many red flags, friends and family didn't think he was right for me. They thought he was using me and they were right. It's all about them and how things serve their needs in this life. I think this is the way of a BPD relationship. For the ones who stay beyond a couple of dates. They rope us in with their over the top gestures at being involved with us. It's all so intoxicating. And we believe they value us and care for us a great deal . Like we are a prize to them! They are the reacher and we are the settler. (Actually that part is true) but once the red flags come up we get conflicted to our worth and value to them. Then they fear we will pull away so they turn up the charm. It's a confusing addictive cycle and nature of these relationships. Don't feel bad we who are here all stayed too long. Because of our own neediness and loneliness . Yo feel that type of love we want more. But healthier Indiviuals would be turned off by the over stepping boundaries and the smothering they tend to do. I was definitely overwhelmed by my ex's need to be with me 24/7!' But by then I was already invested. We need to learn real love doesn't rush super super fast. And it gives mutual respect to boundaries .

[Fr4nz]

Hey Itstopsnow,

I perfectly understand your stance, but that is black&white thinking from your side... .BPDs can be good or evil, exactly like nons; they just have to cope with a serious mental illness causing great pain to them and to people close to them.