Help

[Seekingpeace128]

Hi, I'm on a very uncomfortable voyage of discovery. I've always had a difficult and enmeshed relationship with my mother, who has used me as an emotional and financial 'support prop' all my life, with guilt being her main weapon of choice. I went no contact 6 months ago and now understand she fits (perfectly) the model of a waif BPD. I have struggled with high anxiety all my life (I'm 50 now) and for the last year have suffered severe depression following a difficult work experience with a brother who (I've now also learned) has very high narcissistic traits and probably diagnosable NPD. I have a very supportive and loving wife but I have deep and unresolved feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness. I'm very scared that I am sinking into mental illness and that I was doomed from the day I was born to a BPD mother. I would welcome any perspectives from people who have had similar experiences. Thank you.

[Notwendy]

First let me welcome you to this board. You are not alone and many have traveled a similar path.

Your voyage of discovery is indeed uncomfortable and scary- but also an opportunity for growth and change. Sadly, the people who do not go through a voyage of discovery may not feel a need to change. It may be uncomfortable at the moment, but in a way, you are fortunate to be able to see your family dynamics and wish to do something different.

I think it is fair to say that all family members growing up in dysfunctional families will learn some coping mechanisms that are not emotionally healthy. However, not all family members are or become mentally ill. Anxiety and depression tend to me more frequent, but with help, they are treatable. I think that you can feel hopeful that you will feel better in the future.

It is important that you get the help and support you need. It is great that you have a supportive wife, but I think it is a lot for a spouse to handle. I think professional help is crucial with depression and anxiety. There are ways to help this- a healthy diet, exercise, self care routines and- importantly- the question of medication. A professional can help you decide if medication is needed- and if it is, this does not necessarily mean forever, but for now,  if it is something you need while you work on learning new ways to cope and relate to your FOO as well as others, then let a professional help make this decision.

Growing up in a family where a member has BPD can result in a child being on high alert all the time, as well as living with an unpredictable parent. This is an anxiety provoking situation. However, as adults we can create a safe calm environment. We are not the little kids who were terrified of an angry parent, yet we can still have those reactions.

Understanding our families can help us understand the behaviors and patterns we are accustomed to. However, for many, mental illness is not destiny. Behaviors can be unlearned and new ones learned. You are taking the first steps to a better situation.

[Seekingpeace128]

Thank you Notwendy. After the work split with my brother (which totally floored me) I had a breakdown followed by depression and took medication for a short time. It did help but I came off it as quickly as I could (after about 2 months). The reason for this is that my BPD mother has been medicated all her life and medication has a very deep and very negative personal significance for me, not just because she took it but because it was a source of many secrets, lies and fights in our family, in other words shame. I guess though that this is something I need to get over. I agree this is too much for a spouse alone to deal with. I'm hoping to see a counsellor specialising in BPD shortly and will go see my doctor. Thank you again.

[Notwendy]

I know exactly how you feel about medication.  My mother has taken a lot of pain medication and it terrifies me. So, when as dentist gave me some after some dental work and I was afraid to take it. But I had to realize that taking something as needed is not the same as turning into her. However, realizing our genetics, if addiction is in the family, can give us a sense of caution and awareness to use medication only as needed. I think it also helps to share those fears with the doctor. I did. I wanted the reassurance that it was OK to take them.

I think it is good to be motivated to work on ourselves, but sometimes I think it is hard to ask for help if that means we fear being like our PD parents. One thing a T pointed out to me is that I didn't want to be like my mother, but not knowing what that was, I would try to be "not my mother" but opposites of two extremes may also be dysfunctional. Asking for help didn't turn me into my mother

Part of accepting my background and myself is to realize that I do have characteristics of both parents- the good and the dysfunctional. I had  a lot of work to do on the latter. It is always a work in progress, but it can be done. I knew what I didn't want to be like, but I think, becoming me instead of "not her" was a better goal.

[Suzn]

Hello Seekingpeace128  

I'm sorry you've gone through all of this with your family.    Your story is similar to mine and I understand your fears. My mother fits the waif model too and we had been enmeshed for the majority of my life. I also have a brother with whom I went into a partnership with in his business that ended a year ago. I found he exhibited strong BPD traits during that time. Looking back at his life before this experience has also been an eye opener.  

This journey of discovery is scary however it's not a death sentence for adult children of mentally ill parents. Bpd is a treatable disorder. Although we can't push our family members into treatment, we can seek it for ourselves for any traits we have developed as a result of being raised by them. As Notwendy says, these behaviors are learned and can be unlearned. It's good to hear you plan to work with a therapist, mine has been invaluable during this journey of discovery.

I understand your aversion to meds. I felt the same way, though my views have changed on the topic of meds because I know my fears were in charge at the time. They may have helped had I not been so afraid of them. I chose instead to work with other techniques to deal with anxiety. My therapist explained that taking care of yourself has to be our top priority. We can become emotionally depleted and need to take time to replenish our energy. She also explained that when you are feeling triggered or overwhelmed to treat this time as if you have the flu. Get lots of rest, lots of fluids and eat right. Deep breathing techniques have helped a lot too, along with taking walks around the block to get some good endorphin pumping. My dogs love the walks and the fresh air and sunshine help me center myself. These techniques are done with intention, the intent is for self care.

So glad you have found us and I look forward to hearing more of your story.

[Seekingpeace128]

Thank you Notwendy and Suzn. For some reason the break up with my brother has been the very hardest thing to deal with and has unlocked a lot of emotions that were buried deep. He is a successful entrepreneur. I had always dreamed of owning a business but never had the confidence to do it. We cofounded a new business together and I thought it was going to be my 'dream come true' but it was a nightmare, despite being very successful financially. I found out very quickly that my brother had to have absolute control at all times and surrounded himself with a 'fan club' who would give him the adoration he craved. Over 6 years I was pushed aside and witnessed (and was subject to) bullying, lying, cheating, manipulation on a scale I'd never seen before in a 20 year career. In the end I couldn't handle it any more and left, a bag of nerves. I thought I'd be ok but I soon crumbled. The reason is a toxic mix of lack of confidence, co-dependency and shame/guilt around giving up a lucrative business with no job to go to. My wife says the money doesn't matter and she just loves me as I am but I just can't seem to accept it. My sense of worth is very low and I feel a total failure for having left despite it being hell at the time. I didn't expect in a million years the impact it has had on me, hence my current journey. I even tried to go back but, perhaps as I should expect, my brother has not helped me despite my pleading.