Why does it still sting?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while; I've taken time off away from my laptop, as I felt that I needed to try and live in the moment a bit instead of checking social media and the board every five minutes. But I'm back, and feeling worse than I was a month or so ago.

I'm seven months out of a relationship with an uexpwBPD. I thought I was making progress, but the holidays made everything feel raw and too real for me to handle. The last three holidays had been spent together, two of which were spent with my family. I felt so loved, happy and content. Fast forward to this time around, and I felt alone, abandoned and unhappy. I also felt guilty for not being able to enjoy the festive season with my family and spent the whole time being miserable despite my efforts. In short, I'm so happy it's over with - this says a lot coming from a person who usually loves Christmas.

I guess I'm a bit frustrated with myself for still feeling this way while he's engaged to someone else (within two months of our breakup, no less) and seemingly continuing his life, uninterrupted. This evening, I was searching for someone on my WhatsApp messenger, and, unfortunately, came across his profile by accident and saw a little photo of him and the fiancee - one that I hadn't seen before as I've strictly stayed away from his SM accounts for six months now. I couldn't make out much, as I quickly closed it, but it was enough to put a knife in my heart once more, and I've now found myself analysing the photo and what it means (the obvious logical conclusion is that it means nothing - it's a photo, and one that I didn't even see properly at that. But alas, my brain won't let me be).

I just wish this would end. I'm trying to do all the right things; make plans for the future, stay away from his SM and making sure that I don't hear anything about him, try to stay busy as much as someone without a full-time job can stay busy, try to work on my own personal development. And yet I still feel this way.

I feel like I'm the loser, and he's the victor. I know it's so childish, but that's how it feels to me. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, so I know I don't actually know how he feels about anything, but this is still how I'm perceiving it - like I lost everything and he's gained it all, and I'm left trailing behind while he's blazing ahead with his new life. These breakups are horrible - they leave you with more questions than answers, especially when the breakup seemingly came out of nowhere.

I know this is probably all very irrational. I loved him but he was a deeply disturbed individual who raged on a regular basis, hit me once out of anger and threatened suicide on multiple occasions. And yet here I am, feeling like I lost it all.

My brain is relentless; it keeps playing little reels of moments we shared together. It can be anything as insignificant as us being in one of the many cities we visited while we were travelling, or more significant moments when he'd said something lovely. I don't even know where half these memories come from; most of them are so insignicant. I change my thoughts when they occur, but it's exhausting. I don't know how to make it stop.

I don't even know what I'm asking here, I guess I just felt like I needed to type this out tonight and to hear from people who have felt the same. I guess I believed I'd be feeling a lot differently by now, and it upsets me that I'm not.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while; I've taken time off away from my laptop, as I felt that I needed to try and live in the moment a bit instead of checking social media and the board every five minutes. But I'm back, and feeling worse than I was a month or so ago.

I'm seven months out of a relationship with an uexpwBPD. I thought I was making progress, but the holidays made everything feel raw and too real for me to handle. The last three holidays had been spent together, two of which were spent with my family. I felt so loved, happy and content. Fast forward to this time around, and I felt alone, abandoned and unhappy. I also felt guilty for not being able to enjoy the festive season with my family and spent the whole time being miserable despite my efforts. In short, I'm so happy it's over with - this says a lot coming from a person who usually loves Christmas.

I guess I'm a bit frustrated with myself for still feeling this way while he's engaged to someone else (within two months of our breakup, no less) and seemingly continuing his life, uninterrupted. This evening, I was searching for someone on my WhatsApp messenger, and, unfortunately, came across his profile by accident and saw a little photo of him and the fiancee - one that I hadn't seen before as I've strictly stayed away from his SM accounts for six months now. I couldn't make out much, as I quickly closed it, but it was enough to put a knife in my heart once more, and I've now found myself analysing the photo and what it means (the obvious logical conclusion is that it means nothing - it's a photo, and one that I didn't even see properly at that. But alas, my brain won't let me be).

I just wish this would end. I'm trying to do all the right things; make plans for the future, stay away from his SM and making sure that I don't hear anything about him, try to stay busy as much as someone without a full-time job can stay busy, try to work on my own personal development. And yet I still feel this way.

I feel like I'm the loser, and he's the victor. I know it's so childish, but that's how it feels to me. I haven't spoken to him since the breakup, so I know I don't actually know how he feels about anything, but this is still how I'm perceiving it - like I lost everything and he's gained it all, and I'm left trailing behind while he's blazing ahead with his new life. These breakups are horrible - they leave you with more questions than answers, especially when the breakup seemingly came out of nowhere.

I know this is probably all very irrational. I loved him but he was a deeply disturbed individual who raged on a regular basis, hit me once out of anger and threatened suicide on multiple occasions. And yet here I am, feeling like I lost it all.

My brain is relentless; it keeps playing little reels of moments we shared together. It can be anything as insignificant as us being in one of the many cities we visited while we were travelling, or more significant moments when he'd said something lovely. I don't even know where half these memories come from; most of them are so insignicant. I change my thoughts when they occur, but it's exhausting. I don't know how to make it stop.

I don't even know what I'm asking here, I guess I just felt like I needed to type this out tonight and to hear from people who have felt the same. I guess I believed I'd be feeling a lot differently by now, and it upsets me that I'm not.

Hopeful

[Fox Mulder]

Hey, Hopeful. Your story really resonated with me. I'm actually about 14 months out from a four year relationship, and I'm not doing super well either. The good news is that I regained the ability to function at a basic level, and about seven months in, I regained the ability to occasionally go an hour without thinking of her if what I'm doing is interesting or exciting enough. I still feel like I should be much further along, though.

My feelings about her are a huge mess. I think of her and the sweet things she used to say and do for me, and I recall our time together when I watch a movie or listen to a song or play a video game we enjoyed together, and I can't think about sex without her face and body immediately coming to mind. But then I get to thinking about mirroring and idealizing and the way she went from telling me she adored me to outright calling me trash and the worst mistake of her life - all within our last day of together. I end up feeling like the stupidest guy on the planet, so deeply missing a person who hates me or might have even been a fictional character created through mirroring.

And that feeling of being the loser - that hurts a lot too. 14 months later, I've spoken to some women online and went out on a couple of dates, but nothing is really happening in my romantic life. I'm still trying to find my footing on my career path and attending college. I'm stuck in my home city, and I'd really like to move away, but I lack the money. Meanwhile, her entire life has changed. She had my replacement lined up before we broke up, and spent less than a minute single. Less than two months after our breakup, he was visiting her and her family for Christmas - that had been me, the last three Christmases. And then, six months after she left me, her new boyfriend moved her in to his apartment in New York City.

You did better than me at cutting off contact. For 4 months after the breakup, I kept in sporadic contact with her. I don't know why. I guess I missed her. I'd reach out to her every couple of weeks and all I'd gain from it is more news about how great the new guy was and how fast the relationship was moving. I even left her a tearful voicemail on Christmas that she made fun of on her social media. I finally cut off contact after 4 months, but I continued to sabotage my recovery by peeking at her social media accounts. The last time I did that was four months ago and I hope I'm strong enough to keep myself from doing that again. Sometimes I really want to check her blog, in the hopes that I'll find out that she's not as blissfully happy as she was claiming, and that the relationship is crashing and burning - but it's social media. She'd never post anything negative about the new relationship there, not when she knows I used to check it. Besides, every time I checked it before, it was horrible for my recovery. Like, pictures of them naked together. Horrible. She probably still runs that blog partly as a way to attack my feelings if I were to check it.

I wish I could be a really great example of someone who's totally healed after a year plus. But I'm not. I do feel, in general, a little better with every passing month that I don't check up on her. The holidays were a bit of a stumbling block too. I'm going to miss her - or the person I thought she was - for a while yet, I think. But I tell myself that four years is a decent chunk of your life to spend with someone, and even a lot of healthy relationships don't last that long, much less relationships with people with personality disorders that can make things very difficult and dramatic and even dangerous. Does it hurt that they moved on like you meant nothing? Definitely. Does it hurt that someone else is getting all their sweetness, their kindness, their sexiness? Absolutely. Is it a bad thing that they're gone from your life? Not entirely. Somewhere down the line they would probably have done something that would have absolutely terrified you or turned your life upside down, to the point that you'd wish you weren't with them. You might have even feared for your safety.

He was a drug, and he gave you a rush. Now that he's not in your system anymore, you're having significant withdrawals. But I've heard enough stories from others on this forum that I'm pretty confident in saying that we're safer now and on a much better path now. We're avoiding a lot of pain down the road, and the sweetness and adoration and love we feel like we're missing - it might not hold as much value as we think it does. Not when it's a mirage, a facade, a deception, an exaggeration, a manipulation.

Hang in there, hopeful.

[Hopeful83]

Hey Fox Mulder,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a long reply; I'm sorry to hear your story. These relationships really are difficult to get over and I feel for anyone who's in the same boat as I am.

Is it a bad thing that they're gone from your life? Not entirely. Somewhere down the line they would probably have done something that would have absolutely terrified you or turned your life upside down, to the point that you'd wish you weren't with them. You might have even feared for your safety.

The logical part of me knows this. The logical part of me also knows that his controlling mother who pulled a lot of strings would have become worse with time, too (he's from a different culture to mine, and I attribute a massive part of our breakup to the fact they didn't want me to marry their son - he, being vulnerable to manipulation, fell for it all). I also know that his rages and self-harming behaviour weren't going to get any better; if anything, they became worse with time. The man even hit me once, and yet I'm still here missing him.

I know these situations are never black and white. I for one wouldn't have stayed with him had the good not also been present to the extent that it was, so I'm trying not to berate myself too much for not leaving. But to still feel this way after seven months, like I'm missing out on something amazing that was going to bring me joy is a mistake. I knew deep down his rages were destructive - I had even told him that if he didn't get help for them I wouldn't marry him (I didn't know about BPD at this point, and regardless of whether he has it or not, he has an abusive childhood to face up to - which he isn't doing.)

I guess I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why I'm still feeling this way - is it normal for the logical side of you to have all the answers, but for your heart to want to still cling on?

[Fox Mulder]

I think it's normal. I feel like love, almost by definition, has nothing to do with logic. I know that logically I'm better off without my ex - being free of the threat she posted to my happiness and healthiness is a good thing.

But I miss her love so much. Even though I know it wasn't as sincere as it seemed before I was aware of her BPD, I do remember the happiness I felt to be with her. She wrote me poetry, made me handcrafted gifts, drew pictures of us together, made me feel like I was so handsome and funny and smart and special. I miss it, I miss it, I miss it. And it's okay that I do, and it's understandable.

But I can't indulge myself in remembering her fondly. That's dangerous. I have to challenge myself constantly. When I lay in bed at night and I feel cold and lonely, II miss having her in my arms and I get angry that another man gets to do that now. But every time, I remind myself that I was in love with someone who was very mentally ill. My ex was high-functioning too, but her facade cracked sometimes, and the way she painted me black afterward showed me that she was no longer the person I thought she was - and might never have been.

We're going to miss these people for a long time, but it does get easier. The process of gradually forgetting someone is sad, but it's what we have to allow for in order to heal. It will get easier as long as we make sure to maintain no contact and avoid peeking at their social media.

[Hopeful83]

I think you're right - I need to challenge myself constantly in order to remind myself of why this actually happened. I get upset with the injustice of it all (there were a lot of other influences at play that led to the break up) but I guess I have to remind myself that a) if he were a stronger person this wouldn't have happened and b) it's near impossible to have a stable relationship with someone who isn't prepared to face up to their issues.

I guess that's what pains me - there's a big part of me that knows this isn't really his fault. He's a the result of his upbringing, background and abuse. He kept it relatively together for three years but then went to complete pieces. However, there also comes a point when you have to face up to your past and your behaviours. I wonder if they're incapable of doing it, or whether it's just too painful for him... .

It's time, I guess, to put the full focus back on me. I find it so hard to do consistently, though. I feel like I keep relapsing.

[Hopeful83]

Also does anyone else experience the feelings of loss in waves? I could be relatively fine for weeks and then all of a sudden I'm back at this point, where every time I think of him and the fact he's no longer in my life it feels like a stab to the chest.

I guess I'm lucky that I don't experience that horrible, constant anxiety anymore like I did at the start. That was horrible.

[Herodias]

Hopeful83, I feel your pain. I am sitting here crying again and I was doing so well. For me to divorce is coming up so soon. I am really upset again. The holidays weren't very good for him I know, because he kept contacting me! In good and bad ways. I know what you feel when you say it's like they won. Really, they did not and we did. I know mine is not happy with his choice... .I just wish he would say it to me. Now that he has this girl pregnant, I know he thinks he is stuck. I wish they would move away so I don't have to worry about running into them! They live around the corner from me now, which is so awful. I am trying to decide if it's worth it for me to me or wait and see if they move out of state. It's just all crazy! I got off of social media as well. I know he will not post things and she posts such stupid things. She is on the countdown to the divorce as well. Talking about how soon they will be able to move on with their lives.My friends and I are all placing bets on if they will marry or not. I think he will, stupidly. Some say no way... .he told me he won't, I don't believe him. I think she wants to and fast... .It's all so low life and tacky. His Mother texts me and wished me a Happy New Year. I don't say much back anymore. This is dreadful... .

[molitor]

Hopeful-

     I wanted to reply and simply say that I am in your same boat. It has been 8 months for me, and I still think of her constantly. As you pointed out, it comes in waves however. I think the recent holidays triggered a low point for me again, but as Fox mentioned, I challenge myself and remind myself of the bad. Although slowly, it is working to retrain my view of her. I have 4 years of amazing, loving memories with her that I must rewrite now that I know I was mirrored/idealized. We must remember that idealization is unhealthy as well, and unsustainable. Otherwise, (as I have been experiencing) other dates seem so boring.

    I just wanted to reach out and say youre not alone, and your posts have really resonated with me. From what I read, this is just part of the journey in our healing, and I feel there is quite a road ahead.

   One last thing that has helped me... try and have compassion for your ex, and understand the "why" in their actions. I took all of this so personally, and still do at times, but one of the last things my ex told me was :she is sad every day". Bpd is a sad disorder, and they are just trying to deal with their own pain. With time we WILL heal, and sadly they will still be fighting their own inner hell. Best of luck in 2016

[sirensong65]

Been a while since I posted but I frequently lurk... which goes to show, I have not moved on as I should.

You want to talk loser, I am now two and a half years out, I don't count the brief recycle 18 months ago... .that was just a cat playing with a mouse... nothing more.

I no longer look at the replacements blog or Instagram... blocked them both on social media.  But last time I checked they were a blissful train wreck, meaning it would NOT be deemed a successful relationship to a normal person, but they are BOTH emotionally and mentally ill (bi polar) so to them, constant drama and such is their baseline.

First off, I want to say to Kubler/Ross... SUCK IT.  No one tells you the stages of grief can come out of order, OR that you can re visit  stage multiple times.  I have stayed stuck in anger for some time now.  I am vowing 2016 is my year to let this crap go once and for all.I, too, feel he is thriving and happy and since our collapse my life has nosedived.  On the positive side, when you have been reduced to nothing, the only way is UP.

I am starting over this year.  And I have decided I am moving from here in 18 months.  I want to get away from here and all that reminds me of the failure and embarrassment.  Having a goal is feeling good because the depression I have been under has kept me from achieving anything and caused me to lose damn near everything.

[Moselle]

I guess I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why I'm still feeling this way - is it normal for the logical side of you to have all the answers, but for your heart to want to still cling on?

Hi Hopeful

Sorry you are going through these pains. They are some of the most excruciating things we can experience.

Yes it is quite normal for the heart to lag the mind. In my experience our emotional side or wounded side, takes much longer to heal. But it can heal when we put the effort in, and time has its way of healing too.

What do you think the waves of emotion you are feeling mean?

Do you remember ever feeling such things before your relationship or are these unique for you now?

My experience is that the more we understand these pains and allow them to play out, the more we can heal.

[Hopeful83]

I guess I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why I'm still feeling this way - is it normal for the logical side of you to have all the answers, but for your heart to want to still cling on?

Hi Hopeful

Sorry you are going through these pains. They are some of the most excruciating things we can experience.

Yes it is quite normal for the heart to lag the mind. In my experience our emotional side or wounded side, takes much longer to heal. But it can heal when we put the effort in, and time has its way of healing too.

What do you think the waves of emotion you are feeling mean?

Do you remember ever feeling such things before your relationship or are these unique for you now?

My experience is that the more we understand these pains and allow them to play out, the more we can heal.

Hi Moselle,

Good question, and one that I've been trying to figure out for a few days. To be honest, I cannot think of another time in my life when I felt this same kind of pain. It's quite unique. I won't lie; I feel abandoned in a sense. Perhaps that's tapping into the fact my parents were divorced and my mum was emotionally absent for most of my childhood. I'm not too sure.

I hate that I miss him at times. He's engaged to someone else, and I still miss him and the good times we had. It's just incredibly hard to come to terms with it all I guess. And I know that ultimately the relationship wouldn't have ever worked unless he got the help that he needs, and that's what I try to focus on when I'm feeling down.

Hopeful

[once removed]

hey hopeful83  

im sorry to hear youre hurting  .

it sounds counterintuitive, i know, but this flood of memories, these new hurts, that really can be overwhelming, really do sound like progress to me. psychologically we cant process all of the pain at once. as we heal, it sort of prepares us to process psychological pain that our psyches were not yet ready to process. i think this is why we often feel weve "taken one step forward, two steps back". thats because we are usually measuring in time alone - if we feel badly, or worse, than we did a month ago, we feel like we are failing. i dont think thats the case. its small comfort i know, because when we are moving through the storm, i dare say its impossible to see the bigger picture. think of it this way though: fast forward one year. try to imagine where you might be. do you think youll be able to look back and see progress?

To be honest, I cannot think of another time in my life when I felt this same kind of pain. It's quite unique. I won't lie; I feel abandoned in a sense. Perhaps that's tapping into the fact my parents were divorced and my mum was emotionally absent for most of my childhood. I'm not too sure.

id like to recommend this book: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155621.0

on this thread, you can read about the five stages of abandonment, which the book describes. that helped me to see my journey/progress through a different prism, as well as better understand, recognize, and process my hurt.

[Itstopsnow]

Hopeful,

Sweetie, I relate to you tremendously! My ex he was my world. We traveled on so many wonderful vacations, I have over 3k pictures of our 18 months together . We were like two peas in a pod. He was with me everyday. Then I found out he was cheating the whole time. I was feeling like I was getting over it but now back at square one! I'm so angry with him and with myself for ignoring all the red flags and there were plenty. Try and focus on the fact that you aren't walking on eggshells now! And remember he hit you once that means it would of happened again sooner probably more than later... Mine spit in my face at the end. Let me ask you something how was it towards the end? For me looking back the relationship had constant ups and downs after the first 5 to 6 months. At first not so intense and he was quick to say sorry or sob hysterically . But if I'm being honest the last seven months it was a consistant down hill breakdown that I either didn't want to see or couldn't allow myself to see. When he started his second relationship end of last June I guess things were changing. He still managed to see me daily last summer and have her too. He began to push me away and start fights more regularly . I'm mad I allowed him to treat me so bad. And those last 7 months he started to gamble heavily . Not with a lot of money mind you bc he didn't have a lot but frequent times per week. 2 to 3 sometimes 4. I'm not ready to date again and I work for myself so work is not always busy. I have a lot of alone time. It's hard . I'm trying to process it. I wish I knew what was going on for him. Logically I too know he'll stay the same . Dating multiple girls, lying, in debt, and gambling. His rages were increasing too. His behaviors were more and more unsteady . Just remember they don't get better without major therapy and a willingness to admit they're in need of it. I know you're lonely and missing the fun and exciting times with him. I miss those too. I miss the friendship I thought I had with him. But in reality they aren't our friends . They could care less about what we need, want , deserve or how we feel. Keep all this in mind. There will be a guy that will never think about hitting you or hurting you emotionally. My ex is in my head like 24/7. I'm having insomnia and waking up early and having nightmares about him too. I'm with you with all theses emotions! I went to CA, CO And Disney world 3 times with him and Disneyland once. He was obsessed with Disneyland . And weekend trips to philly all the time and NYC and AC . I thought we were so close. He'd write me cards saying I was the best thing in his life and we are a great team, when we went out to eat he'd ask me half way through the Meal to come sit next to me instead of across from me. He made me feel beautiful . And he called me wonderful beautiful all the time. Told me he didn't know how he was able to get me. Told me I had a body of a 22 year old. And he never looked at other girls or flirted . So to find out he was serial cheating was crushing to all that he said . They aren't true to themselves, so how possibly can they be true to us. Try and remember the ways he let you down and lied or put you down . The rages, tantrums, the fights that would come out of no where when the day was going so well. I sometimes wonder what it feels like to really have BPD? But don't think it's not their fault! On many levels they know they aren't well. And they also know right from wrong and what is acceptable in society . They are selfish and want that rush and high from chasing others and getting away with sneaking things. They were never put true friends. I'm sure when they would split us black they enjoyed hurting us or cheating or using or verbally abusing bc to them then it's justified .  Praying for the clarity to see things straight and for the strength to let go. I think letting go is a process and not one quick thing to be done once. It took a while to fall this deeply in love with them and then to find out all the lies and betrayals  . It takes a while to accept. Each day I feel like my life with him plays over and over again. It was all so shocking, embarrassing and beyond what most people experience . Hang in there. We've all been through it. It's them not us!

[Hopeful83]

hey hopeful83  

im sorry to hear youre hurting  .

it sounds counterintuitive, i know, but this flood of memories, these new hurts, that really can be overwhelming, really do sound like progress to me. psychologically we cant process all of the pain at once. as we heal, it sort of prepares us to process psychological pain that our psyches were not yet ready to process. i think this is why we often feel weve "taken one step forward, two steps back". thats because we are usually measuring in time alone - if we feel badly, or worse, than we did a month ago, we feel like we are failing. i dont think thats the case. its small comfort i know, because when we are moving through the storm, i dare say its impossible to see the bigger picture. think of it this way though: fast forward one year. try to imagine where you might be. do you think youll be able to look back and see progress?

To be honest, I cannot think of another time in my life when I felt this same kind of pain. It's quite unique. I won't lie; I feel abandoned in a sense. Perhaps that's tapping into the fact my parents were divorced and my mum was emotionally absent for most of my childhood. I'm not too sure.

id like to recommend this book: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155621.0

on this thread, you can read about the five stages of abandonment, which the book describes. that helped me to see my journey/progress through a different prism, as well as better understand, recognize, and process my hurt.

Thank you onceremoved 

I've definitely made progress, but I guess I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm doing what I can; maybe it's not enough, I don't know. I still ruminate over what happened, trying to make sense of it all, and just as I think I've made progress, I start all over again. It just feels so pointless.

I will check the book out. I've added it to my 'to-read' list.

[Hopeful83]

Hopeful,

Sweetie, I relate to you tremendously! My ex he was my world. We traveled on so many wonderful vacations, I have over 3k pictures of our 18 months together . We were like two peas in a pod. He was with me everyday. Then I found out he was cheating the whole time. I was feeling like I was getting over it but now back at square one! I'm so angry with him and with myself for ignoring all the red flags and there were plenty. Try and focus on the fact that you aren't walking on eggshells now! And remember he hit you once that means it would of happened again sooner probably more than later... Mine spit in my face at the end. Let me ask you something how was it towards the end? For me looking back the relationship had constant ups and downs after the first 5 to 6 months. At first not so intense and he was quick to say sorry or sob hysterically . But if I'm being honest the last seven months it was a consistant down hill breakdown that I either didn't want to see or couldn't allow myself to see. When he started his second relationship end of last June I guess things were changing. He still managed to see me daily last summer and have her too. He began to push me away and start fights more regularly . I'm mad I allowed him to treat me so bad. And those last 7 months he started to gamble heavily . Not with a lot of money mind you bc he didn't have a lot but frequent times per week. 2 to 3 sometimes 4. I'm not ready to date again and I work for myself so work is not always busy. I have a lot of alone time. It's hard . I'm trying to process it. I wish I knew what was going on for him. Logically I too know he'll stay the same . Dating multiple girls, lying, in debt, and gambling. His rages were increasing too. His behaviors were more and more unsteady . Just remember they don't get better without major therapy and a willingness to admit they're in need of it. I know you're lonely and missing the fun and exciting times with him. I miss those too. I miss the friendship I thought I had with him. But in reality they aren't our friends . They could care less about what we need, want , deserve or how we feel. Keep all this in mind. There will be a guy that will never think about hitting you or hurting you emotionally. My ex is in my head like 24/7. I'm having insomnia and waking up early and having nightmares about him too. I'm with you with all theses emotions! I went to CA, CO And Disney world 3 times with him and Disneyland once. He was obsessed with Disneyland . And weekend trips to philly all the time and NYC and AC . I thought we were so close. He'd write me cards saying I was the best thing in his life and we are a great team, when we went out to eat he'd ask me half way through the Meal to come sit next to me instead of across from me. He made me feel beautiful . And he called me wonderful beautiful all the time. Told me he didn't know how he was able to get me. Told me I had a body of a 22 year old. And he never looked at other girls or flirted . So to find out he was serial cheating was crushing to all that he said . They aren't true to themselves, so how possibly can they be true to us. Try and remember the ways he let you down and lied or put you down . The rages, tantrums, the fights that would come out of no where when the day was going so well. I sometimes wonder what it feels like to really have BPD? But don't think it's not their fault! On many levels they know they aren't well. And they also know right from wrong and what is acceptable in society . They are selfish and want that rush and high from chasing others and getting away with sneaking things. They were never put true friends. I'm sure when they would split us black they enjoyed hurting us or cheating or using or verbally abusing bc to them then it's justified .  Praying for the clarity to see things straight and for the strength to let go. I think letting go is a process and not one quick thing to be done once. It took a while to fall this deeply in love with them and then to find out all the lies and betrayals  . It takes a while to accept. Each day I feel like my life with him plays over and over again. It was all so shocking, embarrassing and beyond what most people experience . Hang in there. We've all been through it. It's them not us!

Hey itstopsnow 

Yeah, our stories seem to have a lot of similarities, and you're right - it would have got worse. The rages certainly became more frequent, and he hit me February last year, and although he didn't repeat it, he still had a rage from time-to-time. He also exhibited self-harming behaviour while in one of his rages just before the last time I saw him.

My family had no idea that he did all this (I've still not even told them he hit me. Only one friend knows about that and I don't even talk to her anymore) and when I told them post-breakup, they all kept telling me I've dodged a bullet and that one day I'll see that it was for the best.

The worst part? When we ended, he claimed that the rages were due to the frustration he felt in the relationship. Ha. Really, dude? Is that why when we were together you told me how happy you were to be with me, that all couples argue from time to time and that I shouldn't worry about our relationship? He's deluded on top of everything else - imagine, to put his crap onto me and the relationship. Unforgivable. I never realised that frustration led to rage, suicidal behaviour and hitting someone.

Logical me knows this. You can't build a stable future with someone who isn't stable and isn't willing to work on themselves. He wasn't willing to do that, despite the fact his actions harmed me. If I had hit him, I would have taken myself to the first therapist I could find! He never did that, although he started agreeing that he needed to see someone. Actions speak louder than words!

And yet my heart? My heart just doesn't seem to want to catch up.

Hopeful