Ex and I fought, was it my fault

[Anonymousx]

Hi, my ex and I fought and she is now seeing someone else. I called her when I left work, she was in the city drunk, so I went to my local bar to wait for her cousin and her to uber to meet me.  Suddenly she said she hated me and wanted me to die.  She would hang up, call back and start with a sweet voice asking where I was and I answered the same as before and she said she hated me and wanted me to die.  This happened one more time.  Then I texted her cousin asking how drunk my ex was, immediately my ex texted me saying I was flirting with her cousin and told me to get the f*%^ out of her life over and over again.  I left her alone and then she starts calling me asking why I'm mad at her.  I didn't answer her until she apologized a few days later, with a bitmoji with upset me.  We started talking again but I told her I needed time before we hung out again.  She wanted to talk I told her soon bc she would always try to skip the talk and go straight to making up, for lack of a better phrase.  13 days after the fight was my birthday, we had plans to hang out she kept referencing me as birthday boy and seemed exited.  Then she said she had a headache and wanted to stay home I said that's okay we can hang out soon.  The next night she called me at 4am and told me she hated me and quoted some girls from work that they thought I was great and would miss me as I left work so we could have a real relationship.  The next day she unblocked me on Facebook to post that she was in a relationship, so I waited a few days to call her and ask if we could talk, she said she had been seeing someone for a few weeks, this was less than 3 weeks from the fight we had.  I'm 31 and she is 27 we had been dating for almost two years with a few splits in between for a week or two.  I know I was her longest relationship from mutual associates, but now they have been together 5 months.  Is this my fault, I truly love her and want to be with her.  I didn't know she was BPD until seeing a psychologist.  I think about the scenario everyday and how I should have taken her back.  But I was hurt.  What do I do?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[valet]

Hey Anonymousx, welcome to the boards!



It sounds like your relationship has been very confusing and hard to manage at times. Obviously you care quite a bit about her. It's not unusual for a person with these personality traits to make rash judgements like your ex has here. These don't reflect on you as a person and they are not your fault, they are simply how she is feeling at any given time.

pwBPD suffer from large abandonment and engulfment fears. One second they need you around, another it might seem to them that you are too close, so they push. I know that all of these behaviors are difficult to understand. They run counter to my logic, at least. I can see why you are distressed. It's alright to think about what happened, by try not to ruminate too much. It sounds like you care about her a lot and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with her again (we have a whole board here for that!  ), but there is only so much you can do to help until you begin to sacrifice your own needs.

What do you think that your next step is in this situation?

[livednlearned]

Hi Anonymousx,

Welcome and hello 

BPD is marked by impulsivity, and like you point out in your post, she could be hot/cold from one minute to the next, often with no apparent reason. There are members here who do all the right things and even then they struggle to minimize the volatility in the relationship. It could be that your actions triggered her, and equally likely that she was triggered by something entirely unrelated to you.

Feeling guilty and ruminating will only wear you down, and to be in these relationship, it's essential that you have an A game.

Can you forgive yourself for what happened and learn how BPD impacts her behavior?