(Not me) Dealing with gas lighting.

[mssalty]

Yesterday I was looking for something.   I couldn't find it.   I asked if it had been seen by anyone.   No response.    Then, while looking for something else, I found what I was looking for in a place only my SO would have put it.  When I said I'd found it, "well I didn't put it there" was the response.   

I first discovered this board by accident after a random googling of this sense that my own reality was off because it was denied to me.   It's never the big lie that drives you crazy, it's the dozens of small ones about nothing where you assume there must be truth because there is zero reason to lie.   It makes sense to deny something big.   Denying something insignificant that would help a person validate they're not going crazy is completely another. 

So how do you cope with the tiny lies that you know are just that?   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Gas lighting can be crazy making but I think it is important to recognize if it is gas lighting or shame. In the movie where the term gas lighting comes from, the man was deliberately doing things and not admitting them in order to make his wife think she was going crazy. I think that when someone with BPD does not admit something, it is more about them than the other person.

Admitting something can trigger a toxic shame that is very painful for someone with BPD. Instead of "I made a mistake" they can feel " I AM a mistake" and then go on to a train of self criticism that is out of proportion for a small violation. I think it is hard for someone with BPD to wholeheartedly admit a wrong and directly apologize because of this shame reaction.

Being aware of this does not mean we excuse or enable behaviors that bother us, but it may mean not sweating the small stuff. Your H may have misplaced something. He knows you know, and he knows it was him. He also probably knows you know he did it. However, his concern is to protect himself from the shame that admitting it triggers.