When they leave is there always a replacement

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

When my ex left six weeks ago I don't think there was a replacement. And I don't think she's found one yet, though no doubt not for lack of trying. Is there always a replacement?  I would like to think if she hadn't found one yet she would have tried to have come back. Though she makes it clear she's not coming back.

[Scopikaz]

When my ex left six weeks ago I don't think there was a replacement. And I don't think she's found one yet, though no doubt not for lack of trying. Is there always a replacement?  I would like to think if she hadn't found one yet she would have tried to have come back. Though she makes it clear she's not coming back.

[Herodias]

Mine thought he had one but then he lost her... .he quickly found another one. I think they do usually have one. Mine seemed to always have someone unless I ran them off! It's amazing how many people do not have any morals out there! These were usually married co-workers! My husband would flatter them and then they would fall all over him! Disgusting really... .

[Scopikaz]

She's living with a girl ten years younger than her.  She had no one to do Christmas with other than the girls family.  She still occasionally responds to texts. 

I just don't know she really had or has fully found a replacement yet. She's a beautiful woman and can have any guy she wants. So I'd be surprised if she hadn't found someone yet either

[Lonely_Astro]

My experience has been there has always been others.  The definition of 'replacement' can mean many different things.  At one point, I was both replacement and being replaced at the same time.  Of course, I didn't know that but c'est la vie when dealing with BPD.  

Even if there weren't replacements, I can guarantee you there were potential replacements.  It seems that most BPDs need a constant supply of affection and are constantly looking for it.  My final replacement, if you will, was an "old friend" of hers (granted she had mentioned being a friend a long time ago when he got married, long before we had issues.  Was there something way back then?  I don't think so).  She connected with him on Instagram (which ironically she despised FB because of the "drama" but couldn't get enough of snapchat or Instagram) because he lives in her old house and he posted a picture of her old bedroom.  She commented on it and they started talking.  She said in a handful of exchanges, they agreed to have dinner "as friends" because they were "both going through the same thing" (a divorce) and needed to vent to someone.  Of course, that led to another "just friends" dinner that weekend, which I consider a date.  She would only go as far as to say it was a "kinda sorta date but he was "to weird" for her and nothing was going to come of it" so I had no right to be upset.

So do you see how it works in their mind?  He was a potential replacement but because she didn't like him, she kept me.  Now all this was behind my back when she was "to depressed to" see/speak to me.  At the same time, she had went back to M's house (her marital home, though she never gave me details other than to "just talk and we argued so I left" as well.  Personally, I think she slept with M which is why she refused to speak/see me (guilt/shame of seeing me afterward).  She won't admit that, but that's my belief.  Also, she admitted she hadn't been divorcing M (until recently) and had "tried to work it out with him" a few times this year (the length of our r/s).  So, you see how I was both the replacement and the replaced at the same time?

I hope DBT does her some good.  It'll surprise me at this point, but I'm hoping.  No one (including herself) deserves that kind of treatment.

[FannyB]

When my ex orchestrated the fracture of our relationship there was no replacement in place and hasn't been since. Though it would seem in the majority of cases a new partner has been lined up, in some cases we just emotionally overwhelm them and they have to run. I presume in such cases the hunt resumes when they return to their emotional baseline. I would guess this is more likely to be the case with a high-functioning 'quiet' borderline not given to acting out excessively.


Fanny

[Lonely_Astro]

When my ex orchestrated the fracture of our relationship there was no replacement in place and hasn't been since. Though it would seem in the majority of cases a new partner has been lined up, in some cases we just emotionally overwhelm them and they have to run. I presume in such cases the hunt resumes when they return to their emotional baseline. I would guess this is more likely to be the case with a high-functioning 'quiet' borderline not given to acting out excessively.


Fanny

This was mine.  J is extremely high functioning.  You would have zero clue she was BP if you weren't in a close r/s with her.  I mean you would have to be a close friend to even notice the oddities. 

At first, I thought I had just gotten to close and she fled.  It turns out there was a lot more going on than I knew.  I mean, I always suspected, but I had no idea the rabbit hole went that far down.  Of course, she blames it on starting DBT mostly but the issues had been there this entire year.  I understand that DBT must be difficult but she also appears to not be taking it seriously (honestly, I question whether she's still going or not). 

In reality, she shouldn't be in a r/s with anyone because of DBT and should focus on 'getting better' as she would say.  However, she won't do that.  She'll continue her wake of destruction out of selfishness, even though she's fully aware and knows she's hurting people.  At least the low functioning ones may not understand this, but the HF seemed to know/understand... .they just don't care.

[Fr4nz]

Yes, often they have a replacement lined up before the current r/s ends, since they cannot stand to be alone; indeed, without a replacement they would have to sustain incredibly strong void/emptiness/fear of abandonment emotions they really cannot endure without having a breakdown.

Also, usually they even have a sort of "fan club", i.e., people with whom a BPD has some kind of "emotional relationship" and ready to be picked up as potential partners in a foreseeable future if needed.

Obviously, picking up a replacement SO quickly is a way to not tackle the pain they would have to process after the end of a serious relationship AND basically understand and fight the disordered patterns that govern their lives.

Essentially, they try to compartimentalize, but obviously what they try lock in a little box in their mind oftentimes comes out again from the subconscious under other forms (rage, inability to trust the partner, etc... .all stuff we observed when we was in relationship with them).

[bAlex]

I don't know. My ex swore there was no one else right after we broke up, but through a mutual friend I was informed that he saw her and her ex at a bar. According to him they were still calling each other pet names and kissing in public... .The guy ended up assaulting her shortly after, and when she came crying to me about it she swore that she didn't take him back. Common sense tells me it's a lie, but who knows? I think it's irrelevant either way, because she always had a string of admirers orbiting around her. She could have her pick really, so finding my replacement was never going to be a challenge. It seems to be a common theme though, that they seem to be  very beautiful in general...

[Fr4nz]

I don't know. My ex swore there was no one else right after we broke up, but through a mutual friend I was informed that he saw her and her ex at a bar. According to him they were still calling each other pet names and kissing in public... .The guy ended up assaulting her shortly after, and when she came crying to me about it she swore that she didn't take him back. Common sense tells me it's a lie, but who knows? I think it's irrelevant either way, because she always had a string of admirers orbiting around her. She could have her pick really, so finding my replacement was never going to be a challenge. It seems to be a common theme though, that they seem to be  very beautiful in general...

Well, once the final devaluation phase starts a BPD cannot be trusted anymore.

The usual rule is that, at that point, they already have someone else lined up (not always true, but in most cases it is... .this includes the "fan club" I mentioned previously) or they may be cheating from some time.

Basically, it's the end of the line and it's better to come out from that situation as quickly as possible.

[bAlex]

I don't know. My ex swore there was no one else right after we broke up, but through a mutual friend I was informed that he saw her and her ex at a bar. According to him they were still calling each other pet names and kissing in public... .The guy ended up assaulting her shortly after, and when she came crying to me about it she swore that she didn't take him back. Common sense tells me it's a lie, but who knows? I think it's irrelevant either way, because she always had a string of admirers orbiting around her. She could have her pick really, so finding my replacement was never going to be a challenge. It seems to be a common theme though, that they seem to be  very beautiful in general...

Well, once the final devaluation phase starts a BPD cannot be trusted anymore.

The usual rule is that, at that point, they already have someone else lined up (not always true, but in most cases it is... .this includes the "fan club" I mentioned previously) or they may be cheating from some time.

Basically, it's the end of the line and it's better to come out from that situation as quickly as possible.

Makes sense. Had I known this sooner I would've done exactly that. Makes me sick to think how many members of the "fan club" she probably slept with... I remember her libido being in constant overdrive.

[Fr4nz]

I don't know. My ex swore there was no one else right after we broke up, but through a mutual friend I was informed that he saw her and her ex at a bar. According to him they were still calling each other pet names and kissing in public... .The guy ended up assaulting her shortly after, and when she came crying to me about it she swore that she didn't take him back. Common sense tells me it's a lie, but who knows? I think it's irrelevant either way, because she always had a string of admirers orbiting around her. She could have her pick really, so finding my replacement was never going to be a challenge. It seems to be a common theme though, that they seem to be  very beautiful in general...

Well, once the final devaluation phase starts a BPD cannot be trusted anymore.

The usual rule is that, at that point, they already have someone else lined up (not always true, but in most cases it is... .this includes the "fan club" I mentioned previously) or they may be cheating from some time.

Basically, it's the end of the line and it's better to come out from that situation as quickly as possible.

Makes sense. Had I known this sooner I would've done exactly that. Makes me sick to think how many members of the "fan club" she probably slept with... I remember her libido being in constant overdrive.

I'd add that once they start to withdraw sex with you, that is a clear sign they may be spending their "attentions" with someone else (at least this was my experience)... .not an absolute truth, but very likely!

[Joem678]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation. 

[Fr4nz]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation.  

My relationship lasted 18 months... .she started cheating on me (as far as I know) after 12 months.

It's true that they don't always cheat (in fact I wrote this in my post); what is true is that, in many cases, they cheat OR they have "emotional affairs" (i.e., the "fan club". You can see this from the thousands of posts you can read in these forums.

I was never jealous with my ex; on the contrary, I'm very open-minded and I'm also convinced that a person can (and should) maintain good and stable amical relationships with exes (whenever possible).

Unfortunately, my trust was greatly misplaced with my BPD ex... .

[bAlex]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation.  

My relationship lasted 18 months... .she started cheating on me (as far as I know) after 12 months.

It's true that they don't always cheat (in fact I wrote this in my post); what is true is that, in many cases, they cheat OR they have "emotional affairs" (i.e., the "fan club". You can see this from the thousands of posts you can read in these forums.

I was never jealous with my ex; on the contrary, I'm very open-minded and I'm also convinced that a person can (and should) maintain good and stable amical relationships with exes (whenever possible).

Unfortunately, my trust was greatly misplaced with my BPD ex... .

I once read that if you think she's cheating she already has, whether it be true or not. I believe there is truth to that statement. I can relate to "emotional affairs", to me it still feels like betrayal all the same.

[Fr4nz]

How long were you with her?  In my experience  yes but cheating is not a common characterstic of BPD.  Erratic behaviors are.  It really depends on your situation.  

My relationship lasted 18 months... .she started cheating on me (as far as I know) after 12 months.

It's true that they don't always cheat (in fact I wrote this in my post); what is true is that, in many cases, they cheat OR they have "emotional affairs" (i.e., the "fan club". You can see this from the thousands of posts you can read in these forums.

I was never jealous with my ex; on the contrary, I'm very open-minded and I'm also convinced that a person can (and should) maintain good and stable amical relationships with exes (whenever possible).

Unfortunately, my trust was greatly misplaced with my BPD ex... .

I once read that if you think she's cheating she already has, whether it be true or not. I believe there is truth to that statement. I can relate to "emotional affairs", to me it still feels like betrayal all the same.

On the one hand I think that a relationship is sane whenever there's not jealousy and partners trust each other without problems. On the other hand, we can read thousands of times from these forums that BPDs cannot be really trusted in the long term - basically, when the idealization phase ends - because of their abandonment/fear of engulfement issues.

That's a very sad thing, but it is the reality of things... .

[zeus123]

BPD have a very secretive life you will never be able to figure them out no matter how much concrete evidence is stacked against them! they are typically consummate actors. they are impulsive especially when it comes to sexual promiscuity. if she has no replacement now(or you think), that doesn't mean she isn't talking to someone or seeing him on the side. in my view a BPD's bed never gets cold!...  

[FannyB]

I think mine wasn't able to function at a sufficient level to go back to online dating (her hunting ground before she met me). Indeed, I think this past year most of her mental energy has been used just getting through the day and thus dating isn't an option until her life gets on more of an even keel.


Fanny

[Lonely_Astro]

I'd add that once they start to withdraw sex with you, that is a clear sign they may be spending their "attentions" with someone else (at least this was my experience)... .not an absolute truth, but very likely!

This is exactly what I think J did/does.  I believe she doesn't see emotional affairs as "cheating" but physical sex is.  She dated a new guy in July (unknown to me) and she had distanced herself from me physically.  She denied (and still does) that she ever did anything physical with him. 

Now, on the weekend of her birthday (a few months after), she didn't talk to me for an entire day and half of the next.  We were never physical again after that.  My belief is she went out with her estranged husband, had sex, and they decided to end their marriage (after a year of her telling me the divorce was final "any day".  In fact, we were never close again after that weekend.

I will forever suspect that that weekend was when something happened and she never came back after that due to shame/guilt.

[troisette]

Perhaps the replacements are one of several forms of distraction? I'm as sure as I can be that there was not a replacement for me, but he took holidays five times in six months... .

[burritoman]

I will forever suspect that that weekend was when something happened and she never came back after that due to shame/guilt.

Yep. Same thing happened to me. The week leading up to this past Halloween things were great, and even the day of we talked quite a bit. She went out with "friends" after work. The next day she was supposed to come up by me but she was "sick with the MF flu," which then changed to "food poisoning." She distanced herself from me all of that week, then that Saturday she gave me the phone call breakup. Now she's clearly with (but not OPENLY with) one of those "just friends."

Something happened that Halloween night. I'm probably better off not knowing specifics.

[FannyB]

Perhaps the replacements are one of several forms of distraction? I'm as sure as I can be that there was not a replacement for me, but he took holidays five times in six months... .

Yes, they go into relationships because that initial euphoria that you might be 'the one' soothes them.

After we split mine went away to her favourite place as escaping from reality always made her feel better. I think some are only capable of being soothed by being in a relationship though.


Fanny

[Lonely_Astro]

I will forever suspect that that weekend was when something happened and she never came back after that due to shame/guilt.

Yep. Same thing happened to me. The week leading up to this past Halloween things were great, and even the day of we talked quite a bit. She went out with "friends" after work. The next day she was supposed to come up by me but she was "sick with the MF flu," which then changed to "food poisoning." She distanced herself from me all of that week, then that Saturday she gave me the phone call breakup. Now she's clearly with (but not OPENLY with) one of those "just friends."

Something happened that Halloween night. I'm probably better off not knowing specifics.

Probably.  I am in the same boat as you are there.  Part of me wants to know, to confirm my suspicion.  You know, the need to be right.  But, what's it really matter?  She did what she did and didn't what she didn't.  In my head, she'll always be guilty of something (because, frankly, she was always doing something I didn't approve of - one of the biggies why we had to go our own ways).

During our final week of talking, I asked her about that day specifically.  She became visibly uncomfortable and suddenly couldn't recall what she had done that day.  I remember exactly what she told me she was doing that day, I just chose to put her on the spot to see what she said.  So, that tells me that she was doing something with someone that she didn't want to confess to.

In the end, our 'r/s' should've ended several months ago instead of it 'recently' ending.  Whatever it was (or who) she did that day, it set us on a different path that we never recovered from.

Here's to better days, burritoman!

[JRT]

It has been more than  a year since mine disappeared and she has no replacement. 'Supply', however, can come from non romantic sources and in her case, it is her adult son. She followed the same pattern in other relationships and layed low between relationships, sometimes for years. As I understand it, this is not uncommon with waif and hermit BPD types.

[LostGhost]

This is a direct quote from mine at the end of our relationship: "It's strange, I usually have someone else lined up when I exit a relationship but this time I don't". Which suggests her normality is to start having at least emotional affairs before she exits a relationship.

She was online dating within 24 hours. I agree the evidence suggests that they can't stand to be alone.

[donotunderstand]

This is a direct quote from mine at the end of our relationship: "It's strange, I usually have someone else lined up when I exit a relationship but this time I don't". Which suggests her normality is to start having at least emotional affairs before she exits a relationship.

She was online dating within 24 hours. I agree the evidence suggests that they can't stand to be alone.

I can say the same think for my exBPDbf! He had replacement during our relationship with his ex co-worker woman, also it wasn't enought for him, because this woman had a partner at home. So he also was online dating, two hours after I left his appartment for good! He also wrote to every woman on FB, he made himself a FB immediatly I went from him, in one hour or so. Amazing, wright?

I couldn't believe! So discharging and hummiliating for me! I wish I don't see him never ever again in my life!

[Learning Fast]

My exBPDgf never had anyone else during our relationship but connected with my replacement within days of us parting earlier this summer.  The reason that I'm pretty certain that she never had anyone else is because I went from lover to stranger in a matter of days and that had never happened when we were together (even through the numerous push/pulls and breakup/makeups).  Once they find a new lover interest the past really does become the past and previous relationships are forgotten. 

As others have posted, in her case it was the fear of being alone and the desperation to fill the emotional void that prompted her immediate attachment.  My replacement is nowhere near her ideal vision of a partner.  It was simply a matter of need, opportunity and availability coinciding---my replacement truly could have been anyone (and is).

LF

[Fr4nz]

My exBPDgf never had anyone else during our relationship but connected with my replacement within days of us parting earlier this summer.  The reason that I'm pretty certain that she never had anyone else is because I went from lover to stranger in a matter of days and that had never happened when we were together (even through the numerous push/pulls and breakup/makeups).  Once they find a new lover interest the past really does become the past and previous relationships are forgotten.

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

[bAlex]

My exBPDgf never had anyone else during our relationship but connected with my replacement within days of us parting earlier this summer.  The reason that I'm pretty certain that she never had anyone else is because I went from lover to stranger in a matter of days and that had never happened when we were together (even through the numerous push/pulls and breakup/makeups).  Once they find a new lover interest the past really does become the past and previous relationships are forgotten.

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

Along with all the other ex's?

[Fr4nz]

My exBPDgf never had anyone else during our relationship but connected with my replacement within days of us parting earlier this summer.  The reason that I'm pretty certain that she never had anyone else is because I went from lover to stranger in a matter of days and that had never happened when we were together (even through the numerous push/pulls and breakup/makeups).  Once they find a new lover interest the past really does become the past and previous relationships are forgotten.

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

Along with all the other ex's?

It depends on many factors, i.e., how much the relationship lasted, how much you "touched" their true selves, and so on. If you had a long-term relationship with them (let's say, more than a year) for SURE you stay in their mind.

[burritoman]

My exBPDgf never had anyone else during our relationship but connected with my replacement within days of us parting earlier this summer.  The reason that I'm pretty certain that she never had anyone else is because I went from lover to stranger in a matter of days and that had never happened when we were together (even through the numerous push/pulls and breakup/makeups).  Once they find a new lover interest the past really does become the past and previous relationships are forgotten.

Is your ex the "cut-off" type (like mine)? It's not true that the past becomes the past... .perhaps you won't hear from them anymore (or after a VERY long time), but we will stay for sure in their mind (I know this for sure).

Along with all the other ex's?

It depends on many factors, i.e., how much the relationship lasted, how much you "touched" their true selves, and so on. If you had a long-term relationship with them (let's say, more than a year) for SURE you stay in their mind.

For sure you stay in their mind. In my case, I stay so much in her mind that she still has a "Featured Photo" of us together up on her Facebook page. I wonder how that makes my replacement feel?