Field report and revelation

[Please help]

I recently spoke to my F and mentioned having a new baby. I spoke to him 6-7 x over the past 25 years and saw him once. He had lost his license for DUI and visited me after 25 years to brag about how successful he is. We spoke a few times and I was able to quickly figure out he needed help. That is why he called me.

After mentioning the baby he expressed an interest in seeing his grandson. I said okay. I was very positive and polite - no rude remarks at all-.

He never followed up. At least I can tell my grandson I told his grandfather about him and he chose not to engage. Admittedly, I wish there was enough sensibility to put things behind and start anew. Please check out my previous posts for more back story.

My parents are divorced and I have not seen my M since I was about 18 (early 40's now. ) I did not really know her back then either.

The revelation I had was I think they stopped talking to me and not the reverse. In other words, they went NC with me. My M knew what I thought of her as I saw all the bad stuff she did when I was a child. She does not need he reminder and it's better to smear than admit. Even against your own child. My F drank and did so many drugs, I am convinced he does not remember me except as the teenage kid he could call for bail money. I got him out of jail apprx. 12x. When I stopped helping him, he never followed called again.

BPD's set expectations for people in their lives. If you are the person a BPD sees as someone who does nothing more than listen and feel bad for the BPD, you can have a relationship with them. If you are expected to supply them with money, sex, drugs, etc and fall short, they will turn on you faster that a light switch.

I realized almost everyone in my M's life provides her with something. She has kids with several men (4-5 different guys). She was able to pawn me off on others so she did not have to deal with me. A few of her other kids, have families on their father's side who provide my M with house , money , etc as she is raising their grandchild. There are a few kids whose father's are not around and she was unable to push out of her life. She is stuck with them. Then again, maybe they did not call her out on her BS like I did as a kid. I reminded her of how she tried to kill herself and me by gassing house out or how she had sex with several men while  my F was in prison. I know, you must think I was a mean spirited kid for bringing this stuff up. Maybe I was. This is why she stopped talking to me when I was about 12-13. This right here is how people become enablers. They choose to go along with the insanity as opposed to call out the BS and lose the relationship.

Where I am going with all this is the BPD's in our lives want nothing to do with us unless we are feeding their needs. This may sound crazy, but by us or them going NC, this actually feeds their need for dysfunction. They can tell everyone "hey look, I told you my kid sucked. They wont even talk to me".

Your thoughts please

[enlighten me]

I think all relationships fill a need in one way or another just with BPD its more extremes.

With BPD once we take on a role then we are expected to fulfil that role all the time. That's why boundaries in the beginning of a relationship are really important and where a lot of us failed in our relationships. With parents there was never a chance to put boundaries in place as you where raised without them. When you try to enforce boundaries later in life then it will invariably back fire and you will be painted black for it.

[busybee1116]

Where I am going with all this is the BPD's in our lives want nothing to do with us unless we are feeding their needs. This may sound crazy, but by us or them going NC, this actually feeds their need for dysfunction. They can tell everyone "hey look, I told you my kid sucked. They wont even talk to me".

Yup. It is awful and why in my case it's either got to be NC (which I can't do for a variety of reasons) or very controlled/managed with boundaries contact (which I hate but is better than the alternative). Intermittent even bad contact just reinforces their belief that they are unwanted, you are not loving or good enough and even when you are feeding their needs, they will do crazy things to push you away to reinforce their abandonment fears/need for chaos. It's crazy making.