Ambushed by a memory of needing him

[wakingfirst]

A memory of my ex w/BPD came to me suddenly last night as I was falling asleep.  It's been in my head all day.  The memory is of a time when I was 21 and went across the country to visit him.  He was 27.  There was just the one bed in his apt., so that first night I climbed in but stayed on the edge.  He put his arms out to me, said "Come here, I want to hold you."  I was surprised.  We'd slept in each others' arms many times before.  I was almost raped at 13, and for a long time had fears that made sex difficult.  So my ex and I just spooned each other a lot, no sex, and it was wonderful for me.  I don't know quite what it did for him, but this night he suggested it.  He had a serious girlfriend then, a friend of mine, so I'd thought our snuggling days were over.  Not so.  We spent the night in each others' arms and, again, it was lovely.  Two days later he had sex with an ex of his in a motel room with me in the room, watching (he'd driven us there, I had no way to leave unless I wanted to hitch).  And, when his current girlfriend got back into town he presumably went back to having sex with her, myself and the ex put aside. 

I don't even know why I'm telling you this.  I'm just marveling at how extreme his behavior was and how easily I went along with it.  At the time I had horribly complicated feelings about intercourse, so I felt as if I couldn't really judge what he did to get what he needed.  I needed HIM, under pretty much any circumstances I had to undergo to have him.  He needed - and still needs - more sex, more holding, more physical contact than any person I've ever known. 

This was a very long time ago, and I'm doing a lot better, but he is just the same.  I feel frightened when I think of how out of control my life was when it was entangled with his.  And I feel so sad for him.  I'm angry too, but mostly I'm sad.  I see now that he preys on vulnerable women to get what he needs.  But he is the most vulnerable of all.  Because when he isn't busy being whoever each of us need him to be - who is he?

Like I say, I don't know what my point is here - I'm feeling sad and haunted today and hope you'll understand.

[thisworld]

I feel for you wakingfirst, these feelings come and go. 

Sometimes we remember good things when we are away, it's like a NC or separation amnesia. It happens to a lot of abuse victims, too. They remember their abusers with kindness. And yes, they were kind sometimes - even kinder than an ordinary person for compensation. But the ratio between kind and unkind was harmful to us. So was the disconnect between the two. These people are our invalidators, remember? I still remember the growling, and dismissive face. When I tend to feel a lot of emotions about his goodness, I make a conscious point of remebering the bad stuff as well. It's more balanced that way, if I build better feelings one day, I want it on a more realistic picture. At the moment, I'm able to cry for him, the lost boy he is, but he is my near-rapist and I can't cry for myself yet. Being able to cry for him seems graceful but it's kind of imbalanced really. Maybe this is even a way of escaping the trauma this guy caused me in this very brief relationship. I don't know. And yes, I'm an empathetic person. I should start looking after myself better though.

In your story, I also feel for the little vulnerable girl who needed something so innocent, who was given that but also many extreme things that she probably wasn't ready for. Our sexual traumas from younger ages freeze us sometimes. Then we just go through these scenes with other people. Maybe, now that you are safer actually, and you have some more time for yourself, feelings from those days are surfacing. Please look after yourself well.

In my experience, addicts and disordered individuals offer a different kind of acceptance to us (my ex is both). Is it because they truly accept us or because they have developed different criteria because of their own extreme behaviours? And yes, they are boyish. They have the lost boy thing. I know the pain we experience associated with this. I found him at a hospital after an overdose, I was about to die of pain. Half an hour later, I was having to warn him in the hospital garden that if he carried on being aggressive to me and shout at me, I'd have to leave him there. It's very difficult to integrate the two. Both these aspects of him as a person, and of myself as I respond to him. We grieve for so many things even when they are alive and it's so difficult. Still, they wreck people. People who are recovering addicts or are in therapy because of their disorders accept this. Some make amendments. Many don't even go near our guys. My girlfriend who gets the most angry with my ex, who checks up on me, who doesn't want me to do anything with him is a long time member of narcotics anonymous herself. I think we have something to learn from those people. And most importantly, we must carry on looking after ourselves without questioning why these strange feelings are coming to us. They will for a bit. But this will pass.

Thank you for sharing these. I have been unable to cry for a while now. I cried very little for myself, there is something that stops me sometimes. Your post resonates with me and helps me get closer with some wounds.

Stay safe,  

[wakingfirst]

Hi thisworld, your post meant a lot to me.  So much so I had to sit with it and think about it before responding.  I appreciate your kind thoughts and support so much.  I agree with you that we need to feel sad and grieve for ourselves, for what we've been through, rather than only for our 'lost boys'' (and girls).  I think sometimes I give in to feeling sad for him because it feels good, like a familiar warm bath sort of feeling.  I'm used to feeling bad for him and it makes me feel like I'm being a good person. I do understand that that's a trap. I understand what you say about not being able to cry for yourself.  I have felt that too.  I'm trying to just sit with my emotions these days - not indulge them, not repress them, just let them be. 

I hope you can find space that is safe to feel your own vulnerability, to love and care for yourself.

It's funny that you used the word 'frozen', a counselor used the same word with me.  She said the fact that I'm finally looking at all this stuff means I've come to a place where I feel safe enough to become 'unfrozen'.  So all this remembering and feeling vulnerable is apparently a good sign, though it sometimes doesn't feel that way, does it?

I think what I was getting at in my post is, I felt so safe with him.  Which is weird because I was very unsafe with him.  Even last year, I met him for dinner and we had a few drinks and then he drove me back to my hotel.  I knew he should not be driving.  But I didn't say a word.  I put my seatbelt on and I clutched the edge of my seat the whole way.  A grown woman!  Putting herself in that situation!  But I couldn't bring myself to tell him I felt unsafe, that he didn't really know what he was doing. I would with anyone else.  But it felt like saying that would bring down a whole house of cards and I wasn't ready to do it. I'm putting words to that now, at the time it was just a feeling. 

With regard to the addicted and disordered accepting us with all our own fragility - I think my ex embraced my fragility because it made me more dependent on him.  He needed that.  Now that I'm older, smarter and saner he just doesn't know what to do with me. 

Take care of yourself.  Thanks again.