Ten-month reconciliation attempt failed

[MapleBob]

Hey everybody, I've mostly been over on the Staying board, but my uBPDex just formally broke off contact with me last night, after some extreme and sabotaging behavior. We're talking one last time this Friday, but beyond that, I don't see speaking to her for a while. So ... .here I am. Detaching.

Some of you may have read my story in various threads here, but to make a long story short: dated for 14 months long distance, she broke up with me (I don't even really know why anymore - a combination of "you don't love me enough" and "I'm not ready to make the changes to be with you", we tried to be "friends" for ten months but neither of us really wanted to be friends, and she turned out to be incapable of forgiving me for mostly exaggerated slights against her. It's been a rollercoaster and I guess my go-around is over.

Hi, Detaching Board. Wish I could say I was happy to be here.

[Invictus01]

You will be happy in the long run. 100% guaranteed.

[MapleBob]

You will be happy in the long run. 100% guaranteed.

Ha! Oh, I know that. It'll probably be soon too. I've been through the wringer, and we took lots of opportunity to try to hash it out, and I know that I did better than my best. It just wasn't manageable. She was abusive and I turned the other cheek so many times. She just couldn't help herself.

[Invictus01]

The crazy $hyt you need to put up with in these relationships isn't worth it. And in the end, it always falls apart. Well, unless you wanna jump through some crazy hoops to keep it going until it falls apart anyway.

[MapleBob]

The crazy $hyt you need to put up with in these relationships isn't worth it. And in the end, it always falls apart. Well, unless you wanna jump through some crazy hoops to keep it going until it falls apart anyway.

... .exactly like I did. For ten months. Well, really fifteen months, since she pulled her first break up power move after eight months to manipulate me into compliance when she could have gotten the same result by just actually talking to me like a sensible adult instead of game-playing.

Vent!

[Invictus01]

What I have learned in my dating/life experience is that you only break up once. 99% of the time the crazy cycle of 25,000 break ups and make ups doesn't lead to anything. You might give somebody a second chance. After that. Done.

[FlyingJ]

The crazy $hyt you need to put up with in these relationships isn't worth it. And in the end, it always falls apart. Well, unless you wanna jump through some crazy hoops to keep it going until it falls apart anyway.

You couldn't have said it any better... .

[MapleBob]

Fortunately I've had ten months of steadily decreasing hope and steadily increasing abuse to give me a good push off. At first I envied the next guy she'll date benefiting from the work I put in on her, but now I seriously pity the guy. She's a mess and if she isn't capable of putting in the work for me she sure won't for some other random guy who will inevitably be way less committed and capable than I am.

[Learning_curve74]

Sorry to hear your story, MapleBob. I was with my exgf for almost three years with one breakup in the middle. The second time around I used the lessons from the staying board which helped tremendously.

However, dealing with a person with BPD is a lot like dealing with an addict. Her BPD is her problem, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I believe in second chances which is why I got back together with my exgf. Once. I don't believe in third, fourth, fifth, or more chances because I'm not going to live forever.

How are you doing right now, MapleBob?

[MapleBob]

Thanks, learning_curve. I've done this before too (breakup/makeup cycle), so you'd think I'd know better. I'm awesome at convincing myself to stay way beyond shelf life hoping to fix things, or find the understanding of the situation to fix things. She gave me many opportunities and reasons to get out of this relationship, but I wasn't taking them, because I still saw the good in her, and also because I refused to split her black (like she did to me).

How am I doing right now? I'm sad, and things feel unresolved and open-ended, but I'm doing relatively okay for the moment. Ten months of struggle after a fourteen-month relationship is probably plenty, and I think I have the closure from her to accept the sad reality of the situation. That sad reality being that we love and like each other still - and strongly - but that it isn't going to work out between us any time soon. And I feel pretty validated by her (finally) when she admits that SHE is the one that sabotaged things, and that she can't help herself. I told her that we could just stop fighting and let things be calm for a while instead of salting the earth with No Contact, and she simply said "I can't stop fighting with you." So, a: wow, that's unmanageable and worth walking away from, and B: that hurts, and it's not my fault, and seeing those strong feelings and knowing that there is strong love there too, and seeing her inability to reconcile those opposing feelings... .Kind of a deal breaker. I gave her ten months to sort it out and she can't. Not with my presence OR absence. It's like "my work here is done!" That's how I feel. It's on her now if she wants to reach out to me again in the future, and it really should have been her in the first place, ultimately, instead of me.

[MapleBob]

I did my part and she didn't do hers, basically. She doesn't have those skills yet - and until she does, I can't keep throwing good money after bad with her.

[MapleBob]

Nggggg, really angry this morning. How did I fall for such an insane person? And where does she get off treating me like this?

[kc sunshine]

Hi Maple Bob!

I've moved over here to detaching too   

Thanks, learning_curve. I've done this before too (breakup/makeup cycle), so you'd think I'd know better. I'm awesome at convincing myself to stay way beyond shelf life hoping to fix things, or find the understanding of the situation to fix things. She gave me many opportunities and reasons to get out of this relationship, but I wasn't taking them, because I still saw the good in her, and also because I refused to split her black (like she did to me).

How am I doing right now? I'm sad, and things feel unresolved and open-ended, but I'm doing relatively okay for the moment. Ten months of struggle after a fourteen-month relationship is probably plenty, and I think I have the closure from her to accept the sad reality of the situation. That sad reality being that we love and like each other still - and strongly - but that it isn't going to work out between us any time soon. And I feel pretty validated by her (finally) when she admits that SHE is the one that sabotaged things, and that she can't help herself. I told her that we could just stop fighting and let things be calm for a while instead of salting the earth with No Contact, and she simply said "I can't stop fighting with you." So, a: wow, that's unmanageable and worth walking away from, and B: that hurts, and it's not my fault, and seeing those strong feelings and knowing that there is strong love there too, and seeing her inability to reconcile those opposing feelings... .Kind of a deal breaker. I gave her ten months to sort it out and she can't. Not with my presence OR absence. It's like "my work here is done!" That's how I feel. It's on her now if she wants to reach out to me again in the future, and it really should have been her in the first place, ultimately, instead of me.

[MapleBob]

Hi Maple Bob!

I've moved over here to detaching too   

Ha! Greaaaaaaaat.

[UVA2002]

Hey everybody, I've mostly been over on the Staying board, but my uBPDex just formally broke off contact with me last night, after some extreme and sabotaging behavior. We're talking one last time this Friday, but beyond that, I don't see speaking to her for a while. So ... .here I am. Detaching.

Some of you may have read my story in various threads here, but to make a long story short: dated for 14 months long distance, she broke up with me (I don't even really know why anymore - a combination of "you don't love me enough" and "I'm not ready to make the changes to be with you", we tried to be "friends" for ten months but neither of us really wanted to be friends, and she turned out to be incapable of forgiving me for mostly exaggerated slights against her. It's been a rollercoaster and I guess my go-around is over.

Hi, Detaching Board. Wish I could say I was happy to be here.

don't even meet or talk the last time it's a trap!

[MapleBob]

don't even meet or talk the last time it's a trap!

What? Why? Explain please.

[UVA2002]

don't even meet or talk the last time it's a trap!

What? Why? Explain please.

Heck it not any of my business but I've had 3 textbook BPD nuts in my life and the first two were like u described I kept at it and drove me crazy. The last one I went NC after she texted me the dump. Blocked her number didn't wave just pretended like it never happened. Guess what 3 weeks later she's back to her reckless whore life and I'm giving you advice. Why would u want to have one last contact with her? To let try and manipulate u more because if you think you have the upper and you don't. You live your life I'm just speaking from experience but more contact is not what I would want. So Friday you meet her and spend the next few weeks analyzing everything again.  Go live your life! She is and just stringing you along. Read any of the 1000 posts on this website NEVER BELIEVE A WORD THAT COMES OUT OF A BPD's MOUTH.! Lying and manipulation are there no one weapons. You didn't to a thing other than fall for trash. It happens to the best of us men all the time and trust me it all comes around. You're going to miss the new open door because you're standing there staring at the closed one. The best revenge is living well. Good luck my friend.

[valet]

Hey Bob, what happened exactly?

[MapleBob]

I can relate to what you're saying, but the "last talk" was my idea. I felt so shocked by her sudden change of heart that I didn't really say any proper goodbyes, I just kind of stammered and tried to understand where in the hell she was coming from. We're long distance, so it's not a meeting. I want to do it on the phone, but she's currently refusing, so it's just an evening of texting and saying goodbye and probably indicating to her under what circumstances she should contact me again.

[MapleBob]

Hey Bob, what happened exactly?

Well, it's a long story, but recent events:

We broke up in February of last year (so ten-ish months ago), did no contact for maybe six weeks, then started being in touch again in a "let's see if we can eventually be friends or maybe fix some things and be together again" kind of way. That was rocky, there was a lot of push/pull, but I always managed to smooth things over and maintain contact with her. We wrote each other two letters in September - one was a "things I'm angry about" letter and the other was "things I love about you/nice things about the relationship" letter. To purge the bad and get back in on the good. Common therapy practice. She got really sweet again after the angry one, then really angry/mean after the nice one. Pretty unexpected. She then insisted that we only talk once a month for a while, so that she could try to be less angry and more open through limited triggering contact. Plus, she was finalizing her long-delayed divorce (separated five years, coparenting, fairly functional, for all intents and purposes already divorced, just a formality), so she had other things going on. She got into therapy but wasn't doing work about *our* relationship, despite that being a major source of problems and obsession for her. (Yeah, I know, a lot of that makes no logical or emotional sense.) December rolls around, we've had a few good contacts in a row and things are looking up! She sends a Christmas card to me that says she's looking forward to talking to me in the new year, and I send her one saying that I hope the new year is gentle enough for her to open her heart again. She spends Christmas in Vegas, comes back, we had a talk planned, and she texts me that she wants me to open up more, she wants to know me better, and that if I want more I have to give her more. I agreed! Wholeheartedly, and wanting her to understand that she's pushed me away A LOT, but that I'm willing to open up to her given some safety. She slowly loses her sh*t on me throughout this text fight, apologizes the next day, then the next day after that we talked on the phone and she says that she "can't do this anymore", "there's no point", she "wants to find a relationship that she feels good about", and that she never wants to speak to me again, asks me to unfollow her on social media, then refuses to talk further about it. Another text fight, I asked her to talk to me one last time so that I can say goodbye and close things off and be clear, and she agrees to text me but not get on the phone this coming Friday.

So it's crazy dysregulated and impulsive behavior, right? Any time things have started looking up in the past ten months, she has thrown a huge sabotaging wrench in the works.

[Learning_curve74]

Nggggg, really angry this morning. How did I fall for such an insane person? And where does she get off treating me like this?

It's okay to be angry about yourself AND about her. It's just like you said, "How did I fall for such an insane person?" and the way she treats people can be hurtful regardless of it being driven by her mental illness.

In the end, these types of relationships can be a lesson to us. It can force us to examine what we value in life and what we should value in a partner to support and add to this life we wish to live. It takes time and effort on our parts to heal and get to a point in our lives where the hurtful past has lost its power.

I still love my exgf as a person and wish her the best. But in no way do I think we should be life partners. Some people can only be loved from a distance, we don't need an active relationship with them, and this can be true of not even former lovers but parents and children but that's a discussion for a different board... .

[Learning_curve74]

Hey MapleBob, I just saw your most recent post after I was writing you above.

I know wanting to meet or talk for that "last time" is a natural thing, it's exactly what I did the first time that I broke up with my exgf. We just want to get out our thoughts and feelings and be heard. The issue for a BPDer is that they may not be hearing or able to understand our side especially if dysregulated, and sometimes not even when clear headed. And then if you use the communication tools from the staying board, you can feel like your side of things are getting lost -- remember we're the emotional caretaker, and they will often be in emotional turmoil and unable to return the favor to us. Sometimes they are so far down the rabbit hole at the time that no communication tools will get through, and that can be frustrating to us.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and hugs. 

[MapleBob]

I think there's also an element to my situation of "how can he still love me when I'm like this?" because she says things like "I'm mean and cruel to you! It's going to take me a long time to not be like that anymore." She also claims that I treated her like she was "average", which is complete nonsense. This is far from average effort or understanding on my part, and I was very good to her, just not devil-may-care throw-caution-to-the-wind unsustainably desperately codependent like she wanted me to be.

What she thought was her last text to me: "I like and love you, and I'm sorry that I don't have what it takes to know you right now. I don't know if you'll hear from me again, but I will reach out if the timing feels better some day. I hope this year is good to you, and you get the things you want in your life. ❤️"

[MapleBob]

The issue for a BPDer is that they may not be hearing or able to understand our side especially if dysregulated, and sometimes not even when clear headed. And then if you use the communication tools from the staying board, you can feel like your side of things are getting lost -- remember we're the emotional caretaker, and they will often be in emotional turmoil and unable to return the favor to us.

AKA "the last ten months of my life"! Exactly.

Thank you, learning_curve.

[UVA2002]

^^^ my point exactly

[Invictus01]

I think there's also an element to my situation of "how can he still love me when I'm like this?" because she says things like "I'm mean and cruel to you! It's going to take me a long time to not be like that anymore." She also claims that I treated her like she was "average", which is complete nonsense. This is far from average effort or understanding on my part, and I was very good to her, just not devil-may-care throw-caution-to-the-wind unsustainably desperately codependent like she wanted me to be.

What she thought was her last text to me: "I like and love you, and I'm sorry that I don't have what it takes to know you right now. I don't know if you'll hear from me again, but I will reach out if the timing feels better some day. I hope this year is good to you, and you get the things you want in your life. ❤️"

Ah yes... ."I will give you this vague hope of getting back together at some point so that you stick around and wait for that day when timing feels better for me. Or it will never feel better, after all I didn't commit to anything and never promised anything. But feel free to wait for me and jump when I feel like pulling you back... .until I don't feel like it anymore"

Dude, BPD or not, nothing good comes out of this kind of stuff. Nothing good for the person who is left dangling on this unspecified vague rope of maybe kinda sorta hope. There is nothing to talk about, really.

[UVA2002]

Hey MapleBob, I just saw your most recent post after I was writing you above.

I know wanting to meet or talk for that "last time" is a natural thing, it's exactly what I did the first time that I broke up with my exgf. We just want to get out our thoughts and feelings and be heard. The issue for a BPDer is that they may not be hearing or able to understand our side especially if dysregulated, and sometimes not even when clear headed. And then if you use the communication tools from the staying board, you can feel like your side of things are getting lost -- remember we're the emotional caretaker, and they will often be in emotional turmoil and unable to return the favor to us. Sometimes they are so far down the rabbit hole at the time that no communication tools will get through, and that can be frustrating to us.

Whatever happens, good luck to you and hugs. 

you guys are suckers I'm sorry but I've seen this so many times. they know how far the rabbit hole is they know what their doing. Don't blame the BPD it's no excuse. Talk to some psychologists and psychiatrists they'll tell you it a game. I'm sorry to be so harsh but I've been through it . They used you for what they needed and any time they come back in any way it's like feeding a stray cat. Except a stray cat will not go out of their way to make your life hell and blame it on some bull___ trama.

[MapleBob]

Okay guys, the anger and name-calling is really not helping me. Not my style.

I don't know your exes, but mine is not doing this maliciously or selfishly. She really doesn't know *what* she's doing, that's abundantly clear. She's mentally/emotionally unhealthy, not criminally insane.

[UVA2002]

Okay guys, the anger and name-calling is really not helping me. Not my style.

I don't know your exes, but mine is not doing this maliciously or selfishly. She really doesn't know *what* she's doing, that's abundantly clear. She's mentally/emotionally unhealthy, not criminally insane.

Yea yours is different. Good luck

[Grey Kitty]

That "last phone call" will never be what you want it to be.

You want closure. You want her to give you an unambiguous goodbye.

Getting that isn't the nature of BPD. You will continue to get push or pull, be painted black or white. Perhaps both in the same conversation.

The only closure you get is knowing that the ride you've been on is the only thing she is capable of giving you. And you are worth better than that.