BPD traits, drugs and some hint at behavior awareness

[Stu84]

Hi All,

I'm in the throes of a deep depression after the failure of round two with my possible pwBPDexgf.  That is, I suspect she has the disorder but don't fancy myself as a psychiatrist.  I'm seeing a T but struggle so hard with working out why I feel so hurt and betrayed.  I'm a smart, successful guy from a good family and a lot to give.  Why am I so f*****?

Is it possible that I can get opinions as to whether BPD may be the case, and also insight into what her perceived awareness of her behavior might mean?

Basically, this girl was lovely when I met a 26yo her in December 2013 - a little bit wild, but training to be a teacher after not finishing her psychology degree.  I worked away from home a lot and she always pined for me, made me feel so loved and picked me up from the airport on every return.  We really were great together.  She gave me lovely thoughtful gifts for my 30th and I lavished her to make up for my time away working.

By the time I was hooked, the red flags started with her telling me about her insistence on shoplifting cloths and that she had spent two years in her early twenties addicted to meth.  I should have cut and run here but I didn't.  Please don't judge me!  She also had moments of low self worth regarding her achievements and had undergone stomach band surgery as she'd been so upset about her weight.  When I met her, she was quite attractive.

We became very enmeshed, I was "her favorite person" and she seemed to revel in how "in love" we were.  I moved in with her and we started to argue a lot and I realized how much she was starting to devalue me - she really criticized me a lot actually, to the point where I started to feel like I was on eggshells and stopped voicing my opinion.  I read an article yesterday titled '31 signs of emotional abuse' and can pretty much relate to 27 of those with her.

Alarmingly, it became apparent that she was dabbling with meth again in a "recreational" way but my pleas for her to stop fell on deaf ears.  Her father, who was an alcoholic and abandoned her when she was young (though still in contact) died and it affected her enormously.  I tried so hard to support her but she just wouldn't tell me anything.  We got engaged and she cried with happiness but then we had a big spat in the taxi home because of "how i talked to her in front of the cab driver".  It all unraveled on Xmas day 2014 when I found her smoking meth in the bathroom at lunch with our families dining together.  I lost my sh** at her.  Over the course of the next month, we were really on the rocks.  At one point she saw a psychologist to find why she was so unhappy and rang crying saying she had been referred for diagnosis of maybe BPD and AVPD.  She never followed up on it - she seemed to accept the AVPD but never mentioned BPD again and got angry if I ever raised it.   It eventually ended with her saying she'd fallen out of love and her keeping the $7000 i'd paid off her credit card and having sold the ring by the time she told me.   When my friend confronted her about this, she rang me and abused the hell out of me saying I was a weak piece of ___, get the hell out of her life, she's got a new guy, she hated me for not supporting her when her dad died and sarcastically thanking me for paying off her debts.  She was in such a state that she texted the most awful things and said she knew she was "the best I'd ever have and to f-off out of her life".

Crushed, I moved on (think I mentioned something to her about BPD) but she re-engaged a few months later to tell me she had become a full-blown addict but was off it now and was sorry - I refused to have anything to do with her and she abused me again even saying my family were all nutjobs (they're wonderful people btw).

Somehow this dance continued (I stuffed up and slept with her a few times - and she later claimed she'd had an abortion after one of these stupid moments) until she was really messed up and on death's door with drug abuse. She was going to "sell herself" for money and admitted she'd been an escort in her early twenties.  For some reason, I couldn't not help her - I thought her poor behavior towards me was due to the drugs and I just wanted her to get help.  I encouraged her to go to rehab, supported her by buying her food as she was in withdrawal and gave her hope of a fresh start while secretly hoping it would all go away.  She payed me back the money and bought me an expensive watch for the ring she'd sold.  She told me I was her soulmate and she just wanted to make me happy.  I really started to get hopeful again as she went to rehab overseas and seemed to be really getting better.  (I was also thinking how messed up it all was).  But she never really gave me a proper apology for what had happened and was soon making various demands on me "so that we could be a good couple" and being disappointing in me for doing or not doing some things.

I met her for a holiday in Europe and things weren't great - she was often moody, hypersensitive and very, very invalidating - she'd disagree for the sake of it, pick me up on all sorts of things (like hating me use a hankerchief when she once found it adorable).  I was the love her life one day and then that night, one slightly sarcastic remark at dinner had me receiving the ST like I was the devil and her packing her bag separately.  At one point she said "I don't have the capacity to give you what you want but I do love you, can we just be friends"  I said yes (by this time exhausted) but not long after, we were in love talking about moving to Europe together (she constantly kept changing her ideas for what she wanted to do with her life)  Finally, she left to see her friends in Asia, stopped contacting me and was very distant, told me I was being needy when I wanted to talk to her and came home with about 7 new tattoos.  We broke up with her saying she doesn't have the capacity to deal with my depression but we can still be friends and hang out.  I told myself I'd go NC but in a drunk moment texted her saying she hurt me and she needs to get checked for BPD whereby she said she'd call the cops for harassment.  She has not responded to any of the few contact attempts I've made since and I know it's better she's out of my life and with someone else.  She never said sorry or thank you for helping her and kind of indicated she was going to get help anyway and I had nothing to do with her getting off drugs.

Anyone reading this will think I'm nuts but there really were some beautiful moments between us through all of this including exploring the world together like kids.  Obviously though, she is troubled but I'm not sure if this is drugs or BPD?  In Europe for that month, I know for sure she was not using as she had nowhere to get it from and I was with her all the time.  Perhaps she needs the drugs to feel "normal"?

While she vehemently denied BPD as a possible issue, she did say things that indicated some awareness as to what she was doing:

"I'll never fall madly in love, it just won't ever happen" (when she was trying to win me back)

"I'm just going to keep hurting you"

"After 9 months, I stopped needing to be on good behavior with you"

"I feel delusional" (twice I heard this in our r/s)

"I'm a crazy psycho b___" (If the penny didn't drop then for me, I guess I am nuts)

"I'm just a b___ that's just how I am" (she seemed so upset saying this)

"I do have an avoidant personality" (but no mention of BPD)

"All my past BFs have gone crazy but I didn't do anything"

She's intelligent, studied psychology but seems unable to face aspects of her issues.  I sometimes wonder if this behavior was all related to the aftermath of drug abuse and she'll improve with sobriety but I guess it's deeper than that.

I feel like I need people's opinion on this and what they think of her behavior (BPD?) because I'm basing my whole recovery on this determination whereby I never want to see her again; I don't want to allow her to ruin any more of my life.  In brutal honesty, sometimes I get pangs of jealously thinking of her being charming with the next guy and I loath myself for this thinking.

If readers have gotten this far in my post, I must extend a massive thank you for bothering to read my sob story!

Thank you!

[VeraTrue]

Hey Stu. Oh man, that all sounds horrible. I'm in a similar boat as you, just having found these forums recently. I am certain it will help you as much as it already has helped me. My year-long depression and rehashing is improving, yours will too with time. Please don't loathe yourself for your feelings (as you mention at the end.) You are having normal responses to crazy things. And it doesn't sound crazy that there were good things throughout. Of course there were. For me, one thing that made it all so hard was the impossibility of understanding what the f*** was really going on... .because of course our natural impulse is to understand and respond appropriately to someone we love, when they tell us their feelings. However, when their perceptions are distorted and their emotions are dysregulated, our attempts to place it all into reality and work with it accordingly are doomed. Especially when the pwBPD is not telling the truth about what they really want. It is impossible to relate to them in a healthy way because what they experience is too far from reality. Without a shared frame of reference, you can't organize the relationship into a plausible and actionable reality with any degree of health or fairness. At least that's how it was for me. The times I have felt relief from the pain have been times when I either got answers (such as on this site) or when I (at times) succeeded in letting go of the desire to make sense of it. (That desire comes back I've found.) More experienced people on this site tell me we can heal from this. Go slow and don't give up, ok?

[Stu84]

Thanks Vera,

What you say makes sense so thanks for your supportive response.  Sorry to hear you have also gone through hell - so messed up it all is!  I agree that any kind of rational reasoning simply fails when dealing with people affected in this way.  I'm guessing she is BPD but I can't be sure and it's that uncertainty that makes me question myself and my part in the failed relationship.  Having said that, too many instances of her behavior are unfathomable to me to the extent that I'm sure some PD traits are at play at least.

Like many here, I only really understood BPD after the relationship failed.  I'm sure I could have prolonged the relationship with my actions had I known but it would have gone down the toilet eventually I guess and I would have ended up in a pretty dicey situation.

I'd love to know if she is ever going to realise the error in her treatment of me, if I'd ever hear a thank you or an apology but then reality strikes and I understand that closure will have to be achieved on my own.  I'm tired of being a victim here as well.  It's so amazing how my rumination can shift so dramatically between pity for her and anger towards her.  I know that forgiveness is the healthiest path for me so I have taken that road, looking at myself and why I stayed and reminding myself that I will recover if I choose to recover.

Keep on keeping on!

[NCEA]

Wow.

Man, who cares how it's called. She's toxic and you should grief and move on. She's disordered , no doubt. These personality traits mix and overlap, the title doesn't matter. NCEA, don't waste your time.

I actually envy you hard cases, I'll always have doubt that it might have worked if and if and if. Not in your case ... .

[Confused108]

Stu hang in there. You hav been thru a dramatic relationship. You loved her and you can't grasp what she has done. I've been thru hell and back with my ex. Dated at 14 . She was normal at this point. My mom didn't like her an broke us up. After this my ex went nuts and went into a mental hospital for 2 months. When I tried to see and get back with her she became another person. She said yes at first then it was no. He started dating and fooling around with anyone she could get her hands on. Fast forward to Facebook 2013. She found me and sent me a friends request. I waited a while to accept it bc of all the pain I went thru with her as a teen. I finally did and basically now realized from 2013 to June 2015 she was basciaclly trying to hook me again. I took the fatal bite in June and she took me on the most hellish roller coaster ride from hell. The love of my life. She pushed /pulled early on said she wanted me again to friends maybe more  to friends back and forth. She said she wanted to get married an for me to move in with her etc. . Then Sept she just ends it reversing everything she sai to me an made it sound like this whole thing was my idea. Chasing her, marriage, moving in etc. she also said she never loved me and this was a mistake. Yup I had no idea about BPD. If I did I would have never accepted that friends request in 2013. You can get thru this. Time does heal old wounds. Just never look back.