How did you make the choice to leave?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've just come to this board trying to find an answer to "How can I decide whether I should leave her or not?". Apparently if I stay I'm either incredibly self-sacrificing or incredibly needy!

I do love my wife (15 yrs married, 3 kids 12/9/6). But it's much more like the love I have for my sister rather than what I would consider a "romantic" love.

My wife doesn't rage, doesn't sleep around or do drugs etc. Really - she's probably at the easy end of BPD. I just get a fair amount of anger, cold shoulders, blame and irrational conversations. It's certainly getting easier for me to let the abuse wash over me now that I know about BPD.

I tell myself I stay for the kids, and that I'll leave in 5-8yrs when they are better setup. Having to grow up in 2 homes, and with a mum who is BPD, would be difficult. I hope that my influence in the home can smooth any problems (I fear for what may happen if I wasn't there).

So staying isn't too hard. I just always wonder how it would feel to have a supportive partner, one who I feel is with me, one who will go out and be social with me, an adult equal. But I figure I can have friends for that. I figure I can be 90% happy doing my own stuff and just having my wife as a flatmate.

For those people whose partner didn't do anything explosive (so no affairs, physical abuse, bankrupting etc), how did you all make the decision to leave?

[ArleighBurke]

I've just come to this board trying to find an answer to "How can I decide whether I should leave her or not?". Apparently if I stay I'm either incredibly self-sacrificing or incredibly needy!

I do love my wife (15 yrs married, 3 kids 12/9/6). But it's much more like the love I have for my sister rather than what I would consider a "romantic" love.

My wife doesn't rage, doesn't sleep around or do drugs etc. Really - she's probably at the easy end of BPD. I just get a fair amount of anger, cold shoulders, blame and irrational conversations. It's certainly getting easier for me to let the abuse wash over me now that I know about BPD.

I tell myself I stay for the kids, and that I'll leave in 5-8yrs when they are better setup. Having to grow up in 2 homes, and with a mum who is BPD, would be difficult. I hope that my influence in the home can smooth any problems (I fear for what may happen if I wasn't there).

So staying isn't too hard. I just always wonder how it would feel to have a supportive partner, one who I feel is with me, one who will go out and be social with me, an adult equal. But I figure I can have friends for that. I figure I can be 90% happy doing my own stuff and just having my wife as a flatmate.

For those people whose partner didn't do anything explosive (so no affairs, physical abuse, bankrupting etc), how did you all make the decision to leave?

[hopealways]

I've just come to this board trying to find an answer to "How can I decide whether I should leave her or not?". Apparently if I stay I'm either incredibly self-sacrificing or incredibly needy!

I do love my wife (15 yrs married, 3 kids 12/9/6). But it's much more like the love I have for my sister rather than what I would consider a "romantic" love.

My wife doesn't rage, doesn't sleep around or do drugs etc. Really - she's probably at the easy end of BPD. I just get a fair amount of anger, cold shoulders, blame and irrational conversations. It's certainly getting easier for me to let the abuse wash over me now that I know about BPD.

I tell myself I stay for the kids, and that I'll leave in 5-8yrs when they are better setup. Having to grow up in 2 homes, and with a mum who is BPD, would be difficult. I hope that my influence in the home can smooth any problems (I fear for what may happen if I wasn't there).

So staying isn't too hard. I just always wonder how it would feel to have a supportive partner, one who I feel is with me, one who will go out and be social with me, an adult equal. But I figure I can have friends for that. I figure I can be 90% happy doing my own stuff and just having my wife as a flatmate.

For those people whose partner didn't do anything explosive (so no affairs, physical abuse, bankrupting etc), how did you all make the decision to leave?

In BOLD: You deserve to have this, to thrive instead of just live.  My partner was on the "easy" end of the BPD spectrum more or less but still the push/pull hot/cold lack of affection, lack of empathy, lack of intimacy, selfishness just gets to you. I was dying a little bit every day. I reached a point where I was just a shell of my former self and walking on eggshells all the time. I can never return to that with her or with anyone for that matter. YES there are "normal" people out there, wouldn't it feel nice for you to meet them and share a life together?

[troisette]

Yes! "My partner was on the "easy" end of the BPD spectrum more or less but still the push/pull hot/cold lack of affection, lack of empathy, lack of intimacy, selfishness just gets to you. I was dying a little bit every day. I reached a point where I was just a shell of my former self and walking on eggshells all the time."

It's the easy end because there's no physical violence, no illegal crime. But the lack of empathy, intimacy, the undermining and the triangulations are emotional violence, emotionally criminal. I withered and  am still rediscovering who I  am, still unsure due to the gaslighting.

You are in a difficult situation due to your children, presumably they are also receiving the  same emotional treatment as you are? If so, it will damage them. But don't underestimate the damage it's doing to you, it's invasive, little by little... .

Have you considered that growing up with a BPD mother may have reduced your expectations? And raised your threshold of what you consider acceptable?

[Inharmsway]

Hi WilliamsKevin,

I’ll reply to you as a child or a product of the current setup/relationship you find yourself in.

I remember when growing up, my parents were a toxic mix. My mom would rage at him, hurl insults and call him names and tell him how useless he was etc. The fights were constant and I couldn’t understand what triggered that. In hind sight I suspect my mom might have a personality disorder of some sort.

My dad had to make a tough decision and leave us. Unfortunately he never explained why he left as we were young and I subsequently hated him for it. I also believe this was the beginning of my co-dependency / caretaking issues and what subsequently lead me to my recent supposed BPD relationship choices as an adult. I was drawn to the drama due to the unresolved trauma etc. I’ve since made peace with my now late dad and realize that he did what he had to, given the circumstances. This is probably what I would’ve done if I were in a similar situation. SELF PRESERVATION!

This may end up being a vicious cycle for everybody involved, particularly the kids as they will learn and perceive what’s happening between you and your wife as normal behaviour. You want to stay for the kids but also crave and miss the woman you fell in love with, the intimacy and that best friend you once could confide in and laugh with.  I’ve noticed that PD’d (personality disordered) relationships work for other people who’ve made peace with having their expectations worked down and also are willing to sacrifice themselves for the sake of peace or even offsprings in the relationship.

I’m afraid your next move on what to do might be a tough and personal decision on your part after some serious introspection.

To answer your question, my partner wasn’t on the mild side of uBPD nor were they extreme. They’re swung between various extremes although never violent. I found the courage to leave after realizing that I stayed purely out of guild and my own fear of abandonment. I came to realize that the love I once had has mutated towards compassion and empathy for them.

   

Like you said, the love dissolves into the “sisterly” kind of love.   I was fortunate In that I didn’t have kids with them, however I feel I would have had to take a similar decision even if there were kids involved. For their sake and mine. I wouldn’t want my child to experience what I went through growing up and seeing one of your parent being a puppet.

[ArleighBurke]

But can I be strong enough to stay? Is that possible?

3yrs ago, just before I found out about BPD, I was empty and dead. But post diagnose I am learning to be me again. I have re-found my sense of self worth, I am able to depersonalise her words, and I am able to take better care of myself (I don't feel guilty having my own friends and hobbies). I hope that I am starting to portray to my kids a strong man. I explain mum's words/actions to them as best I can without using the words BPD or being disrespectful. So I hope i am teaching THEM to de-personalise as well.

I know that a slow steady stream of abuse/gaslighting etc can break someone. But if I'm aware, I wonder if I can wear that. I know it'll take a lot of strength on my part - especially because I don't want to ABSORB it, i want to make sure it just FLOWS over me. I consider myself quite easy going. Perhaps I can... .?

(I try to balance this with what happens if I leave. Not to me, but to the kids. If they grow up 50% in the home with a mum (who will now be bitter at me), what do they see/live without me there to provide a sane perspective?)

[Apricot6]

I had experienced a few outbursts, when he would switch to this other person who said cruel, hateful things. I had not understood what I was dealing with and we always made up.

What made me finally leave was during the last outburst he said to me "I will ALWAYS win, because I can switch off my feelings and walk away and you can't".

This made me realise that even during the good times, he was constantly holding a gun to the head of our relationship.

I have 2 children, who loved him (he lovebombed them), I realised I could not have that threat hanging over us.

Yes he was right I cannot switch off my feelings, but he was also wrong: I can and have walked away.