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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Please help validate my decision  (Read 613 times)
Apricot6

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27


« on: January 04, 2016, 09:07:14 AM »

It's been less than a month since his last outburst and following that my decision to walk away and stay away. I finally recognised it as abuse and emotional bullying and that it wasn't going to go away. I KNOW i have made the right decision, I have 2 children and am in a vulnerable place right now and simply can't take the risk however much I love him. But sometimes I have strong feelings I have made a terrible mistake. When it was good it was so good, not just for me but for me kids, he lovebombed them too. Also, I feel guilt for abandoning him due to a disorder which is not his fault. And then I read about success stories with people who stick with their borderline partner. It makes me feel like a failure.

I'm sure many of you have been through these feelings in the early days, can you help, advise?

I have this horrible feeling, if I had found this site sooner I may have been able to handle things differently with support and saved things.

Thanks

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Inharmsway

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« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2016, 09:44:39 AM »

Hi Apricot,

Although a novice myself on these matters but i can assure you that what you've done is OK given the circumstances. It's normal to feel the guilt that perhaps you've abandoned him.

As much as you say "perhaps things would've turned out differently" had you found this site sooner, i seriously believe that you made the best decision at the time given the information you had at your disposal. It's not easy leading a lifestyle of validation all the time more so if you have others depending on you like your kinds in your situation. Sometimes one just wishes to be oneself in a relationship without having to watch what you says or does etc.

It can be frustrating having to be a caregiver to both your partner and kids simultaneously. Somebody is bound to suffer in such a setup and in this case it would either be your or your kids.

Just my two cent's worth.

Thanks,

 
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Caley
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 154


« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2016, 02:17:14 PM »

I would agree with what has been said above by 'inharmsway' (I hope you're not in harms way ... by the way).

It may not be his 'fault' that he behaves in this way ... however, until he can see the effects for himself ... he's unlikely to get the help he needs ... and do the work ... not many see therapy through to the finish ... after all, one of their demons is non-committment.

I got a shudder when I read the part about love bombing your children ...

I don't know how long you have been together, or how enmeshed your situation is with him, but I think taking the plunge to a more peaceful existence away from this behaviour ... really is a testament to your strength ... I hope you're able to make your situation less vulnerable and more secure ... emotionally and physically.

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VeraTrue

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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2016, 02:21:35 PM »

Apricot6, it is so normal to have conflicting feelings and thoughts. This is the very nature of the disorder, bc a pwBPD is disconnected from reality in a fearful way, then places blame onto you in a non-reality-based way for their lack of core safety. You cannot help him with this, nowhere along the timeline have any of us had the power to heal our beloved BPD sufferers. As for success stories, it is a very long shot that a pwBPD will successfully seek and benefit from treatment, and you have no power over the process or outcome. The timeline on this type of healing tends to be very slow as I understand it, and the process would likely outlast your children's time frames for childhood and innocence. Even if it did succeed over time, you all would be subjected to the natural set backs and flare-ups as things boil up as the old issues are dug up. The healing process is not a steady incline of improvement, it is a chaotic and harrowing hell-ride that you cannot predict. No amount of love can change this reality. However, you can absolutely count on yourself as an individual and as a mother. You will know what your plans are, what your intentions are, what your truth and your needs are. You will know that your children are safe with you. You will be able to be grounded in your own reality, and make your decisions from there. It is so understandable to feel loss over the relationship, and to feel you've abandoned the hope of healing, to wonder "what-if?" But you are doing the right thing to choose the safest, strongest course through life, a course where you are the captain of your ship, especially with children. Even if it comes at the heartbreaking cost of letting go of this person. You and your kids deserve a happy life too, you all deserve health. Unfortunately, you are the better choice to provide yourself and them with that than a person who has BPD. Your choices indicate that you know that his path has to be his, and sometimes the best way to help someone is to refuse to participate in their dysfunction. There is beauty waiting for you to discover it, and your children will be healthier and happier to see their mother choosing happiness and peace. You can do it. I have the sense that you know all of this, but I wanted to acknowledge your strength and your perceptions, and tell you that it is clearly observable that you are making the right choice.
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Itstopsnow
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2016, 03:11:59 PM »

I agree 100% with Veratrue. They have to want the help first off. And they have to stick to the plan of therapy. I've read it's a very hard disorder to manage even when fully committed to therapy. Their wiring in the their brains make them believe they are right, justified and nothing is wrong. They don't want to feel uncomfortable although they do often so they are always looking for a quick fix release . Hence all the implusive behaviors. I know it sucks! I miss many parts of my boyfriend . And I centered my life around him for 18 months. Letting go of the ideals of what you thought you had to what you really has is harsh and upsetting. But there is a better life outside this disorder with healthy people who would never do these things to us. And then after doing them, make us seem like we are at fault . I heard even if they are totally open to therapy and committed it could take years or decades to make solid progress. That is a lot of time not including set backs, and triggers, and lashing out, acting out. Not worth it. Especially because their love for us is not the same as ours for them. It's not mature Adult love. They may not want you at the end . They are very fickle and sick so it's not about you. They aren't capable of more.
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GVincent

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« Reply #5 on: January 04, 2016, 04:02:25 PM »

Apricot,

you are doing the right thing.

I'm new here as well and have just ended (for the 2nd time, recycled LOL) a 15 year r/s with an ubpw, who I am also married to and we have a son... .

I found this site after this last breakup, although we split 5 years ago. For the 5 years I was not with her, but terribly unhappy, pining I think is the word, and also, despite being in therapy, not yet truly in recovery.

The result, I tried again, have now been truly abused, even if years of it before I should have realized the silent treatment, my inability to set boundaries, my own codepency issues... .I could go on and on.

Here's the thing, I have found out so much terrible stuff that was going on during all but the first 2 or 3 years of our r/s that now, I know, I know deep down, there's no hope. For me, there is however plenty of hope, IF i do the work, IF I love myself, IF I focus on being a great dad to our son.

I wish she were the fantasy, but she's not. My love was real during all the years, hers was real certain parts of certain days... .but I want to be loved in the same way as I love -first I need to learn what love is, and it is NOT reaching someone or trying to fix them.

I feel your pain, but you are not alone.

Peace,

G
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Lonely_Astro
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« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2016, 04:32:36 PM »

It's been less than a month since his last outburst and following that my decision to walk away and stay away. I finally recognised it as abuse and emotional bullying and that it wasn't going to go away. I KNOW i have made the right decision, I have 2 children and am in a vulnerable place right now and simply can't take the risk however much I love him. But sometimes I have strong feelings I have made a terrible mistake. When it was good it was so good, not just for me but for me kids, he lovebombed them too. Also, I feel guilt for abandoning him due to a disorder which is not his fault. And then I read about success stories with people who stick with their borderline partner. It makes me feel like a failure.

I'm sure many of you have been through these feelings in the early days, can you help, advise?

I have this horrible feeling, if I had found this site sooner I may have been able to handle things differently with support and saved things.

Thanks

First thing is first, breathe. 

Now, you did the right thing.  Logic dictates that you did you right thing but you're fighting the emotional side now.  This isn't easy.  I have been and am currently there myself.  My story is well documented here and I won't rehash it in this thread, but I am telling you that you did the right thing, especially with kids, 100%.  One thing that stands out to me is you said "when it was good, it was so good".  The key word, for me, that stands out is when.  That infers that the full sentence is "when it was good, it was so good, but when it was bad, it was so bad."  Maybe I'm reading to much into that, but thats how I finish the sentence in my head.

My pwBPD (J) is diagnosed as BPD.  She is medicated and started DBT in September.  We were in a r/s for about a year.  I couldn't see it because I was in the storm but it was a crummy year overall.  It's been full of deception, manipulation, (at the bare minimum) emotional cheating, and mental abuse.  But, it was great when it was great.  As the year progressed, it got worse and worse.  I knew what I was dealing with.  J and I had a history 4 years ago, so I knew going into a r/s with her this time that she was BPD.  She had told me she was medicated and had been through "intensive therapy" (she told me it was DBT when I specifically asked) to control her disorder.  She was so grounded, lucid, and took responsibility for so much.  She seemed totally different from when I had known her 3 years prior (we were NC for those 3 years). 

I truly believed it could and would work this time.  Except, it didn't.  She had lied to me about the therapy (she was seeing a counselor, not a DBT specialist).  She was medicated but she would frequently come off of it or it wouldn't be working as well so she had to go have it adjusted to 'balance' back out.  She lied to me about her situation, she dated another guy without my knowledge in July, and all the while was telling me she was divorcing her husband for the entire year (when, in fact, she wasn't doing that at all - she was keeping him in limbo to 'decide' if she wanted him or me).  You see how bad it really was versus how it was shown to me? 

Think back on your past with your pwBPD.  Think about all the bad stuff that's happened.  Don't focus solely on the 'good' ex.  Chances are there was a lot more 'bad' than 'good' but we as humans seem to gloss over flaws and only see the 'good' in people.  I bet if you take those rose tinted glasses off, you'll see that your ex isn't as nice as you're remembering.

It may not be his 'fault' that he behaves in this way ... however, until he can see the effects for himself ... he's unlikely to get the help he needs ... and do the work ... not many see therapy through to the finish ... after all, one of their demons is non-committment.

It's not about fault.  What it is about is that he still knows right from wrong but wants to pretend he doesnt.  Even if he did decide he wanted help (DBT), the odds of success (for him) are slim to none.  Most stats that are out there show that 50% quit.  The other 50% stay, but 20% of those backslide.  The remaining 80% struggle from time to time and have 'flare ups' for the rest of their lives under certain stressors.

J is (allegedly) still going to DBT.  During our last week of talking, I asked her if she was still going.  She said "yeah, I'm supposed to go tonight but I'm not going to.  I'm going to get a manicure and pedicure instead because I really need to get that done."  That showed me just how serious she was taking DBT.  For the first time in a long time, I really did see how psychopathic BPD she is.  Here we were, someone she claimed to have meant so much to her shutting down a r/s, her marriage to M had officially just ended, and the holidays were around and instead of speaking to her T about all that, she decided a mani/pedi was top priority.  You know, you need to look good for a mental breakdown, I guess (J always claimed to be on the verge of one, though I didn't stop her from dating others and just generally not being a nice person).   

Ultimately, what I saw was her polishing her hook for her next catch (or keep the one she already had lined up).

While we could have a truly academic debate as to whether or not they ever "get better", the truth is the vast majority of them don't.  It's not out of them not being able to do it, many of them simply choose not to.  J is an example.  She fully knows that she isn't right but that doesn't lead her to strive to 'get better', no.  She blames her condition for this or that or someone else is to blame (her mom, who is a verified momster, is to blame for giving her the disorder or I was to blame because I wasn't around when she needed me - even though she'd never tell me she did and therefore was totally justified in seeing someone else or so on and so on).  Yes, I understand that's a fundamental issue with BPs, but a healthy, normal functioning person shouldn't have to expose themselves to a life of servitude (only to fail anyway) to 'take care' of a BP.  And yes, I am angry right now because of what J has done to me (and for what I let her do to me).
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Apricot6

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 27


« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2016, 02:43:58 AM »

I want to thank everybody for taking the time to respond to my cry for help on this. You are all 100% right. And yes I did kind of know it but it helps to hear it from others too. The fact is he does NOT take full responsibility for his behaviour ("There is a hateful spiteful person inside me... .but you have the knack of pushing my buttons and bringing him out then playing the martyr when I react" - he said this to me). And he does not trust or want therapy, he's already made that clear.

Yes, my children are the main priority here, there are a few years left of childhood innocence, they do not need a disordered person in their lives, or to see their mother choosing him over all our safety and happiness.

Thanks all
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VeraTrue

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Posts: 44



« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2016, 03:22:49 AM »

Proud of you, Apricot, you are a good mama bear for your kids and yourself.
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