Where does one start, I guess it’d be most appropriate to thank all the other members, being new and all. Guys if it weren’t for your support I seriously doubt I’d still be as happy as I am now.
Here’s my story. Sorry It’s kinda long. I met my then friend which mutated to a “pseudo-lover” over a dating website over 3 or so years ago. On my part it was love at first sight. I knew he’s the one and couldn’t contain the butterflies. Bear in Mind I knew nothing about personality disorders at this time.
Anyway I kinda professed my fondness of him pretty early on in the friend(relation)ship as I couldn’t figure out exactly what was happening, are we dating or just casual friends. Whenever I asked what was going on, I couldn’t get a clear answer but I could see that I was being strung along. Now fast forward to a few months later, we still hanging out, holidaying and stuff and not even a single word or hint on what is going on between us.
I was so fond of this person to the point where I’d literally drop anything I was busy with just to be with them. I figuratively had my mobile phone glued into my head so I don’t miss their texts/whatsapp/calls.
A strange pattern started to emerge on his part. I realized that he lives for external validation and glorification. People’s perceptions and validation was what he thrived on. Every slightest compliment would be magnified a thousand times and a rejection on the other hand would trigger a self-loathing beast I didn’t even know existed. He hates how he looks, doesn’t like this or that about himself. Oh oh, and a big Oh, everything he touches turns into gold, everything he does, is done better than any other being on this planet would ever achieve. In his head, he has the best hair, legs, body, privates, the works but god help you if you pointed out a flaw either on his character, body, work, actions or anything he had something to do with. I also noticed this deep hatred towards his father. He felt like he was the least favorite of all his siblings, and my observation of the interaction with dad what that dad is trying to live vicariously through him perhaps this explains the hatred. Nothing he did in his dad’s eyes was ever good enough.
Anyway, I eventually decided to start pulling back and not answer my phone as often, chat as often nor even entertain him at all. It so happened that I met somebody else at a social setting and thought what the hell, since my crush had me all friend zoned, I can officially start dating again. First mistake and
#1, I couldn’t wait to share the good news with who I now perceived as my “best friend”, this is crush off course. He exploded, sent me rude messages later, threatened suicide and even suggested we stop “seeing” each other. I was flabbergasted as I expected my “friend” to be happy for me since his nonchalant attitude clearly didn’t deem me fit for a relationship him.
2nd Mistake, I gave in to the suicide threats and let my new “potential” date go and start paying attention and warship him again.
#2 The more I gave him attention, the more he started pulling away, pointing out my flaws, nit picking on my weaknesses, nailing me on secrets I had shared with him, as if to make me feel bad. He also started telling me about dates and people he’d met online and that he was going out on dates. He’d even tell me how lousy the dates were in bed, I was very annoyed and devastated. How can somebody who clearly knows I have a crush on them do this to me. Again I retreated and he started pursuing me telling me that I’m the greatest thing since sliced cheese, I shouldn’t even consider leaving his life, he’d kill himself if I did. Me being the fool, I fell for the bread crumbs and reconnected again.
This time around
I started paying more attention to his actions that his words. I remember this one time I had to help him with something trivial and he’d just exploded over nothing, something a non PD’d person would see as laughable he’d just blow out of proportion and lash out at me. I ignored this as just frustration on his part. Then suddenly one day out of the blue, he says perhaps we should date. Gosh, my heart leapt out of my chest cavity when I heard those words. I was ecstatic but of course if only I knew that this is was the beginning of the end. I said YEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEES!
From that day onward, every time I tried to initiate intimacy, he’d pull away and then lash out at me for not being “romantic” etc. He’d literally explode. I’d kiss him, initiate foreplay and he’d just lay there as if he’s dead. No response to my touch, not even a single squeak or a moan. One would swear he was repulsed by my presence let alone touch. I wrote this off as being shy or inexperienced.
I tried again at a different occasion to initiate intimacy and again the same reception, actually even worse, then half way through foreplay he says he’s just not up to it. You can imagine at this point my self-esteem and all that I believe in just took a nose dive. I have to add, and no conceit but I’m a very beautiful chick, I can get laid a drop of a dime. And yet here I am grovelling at this low life.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was this one time. We were hanging out and having fun. I kinda noticed that he was withdrawn and I asked what was wrong, gosh did I get a lashing. How critical I am of him, how I don’t care and how much pressure I put on him etc. I literally just stood up and left. Later on he sent me a message justifying his actions, ok I have to point this out, he’s never ever apologised but is very quick to justify how my actions led to him acting out. So basically I along with other external factors were his triggers. He’s never to blame for anything at all. He’s perfect, people don’t understand him.
A day later something told me to create a profile on the site where I met him, to my dismay, there he is. He actually sent me a message within 2min of me uploading a “fake” profile pic. In the message, he said he’s single, has never been in a relationship and has fooled around with a few girls but that’s that. He even sent me his mobile number, photos which I’ve never ever seen in the time that I’ve known him. I’ve never been in touch with him since. Didn’t block him on any social media. I just deleted his contact details on my mobile.
This latest internet interaction helped me in making peace with his challenges, In fact i feel so sorry for him. I doubt he has it in him to seek help since he's so proud and nobody understands him. I also got to learn that I may have been a co-dependent in this setup. I enabled him. I’ve since taken steps to address my childhood trauma and have been seeing a therapist. I haven’t spoken to him in almost 18 months.
Googling around led me to this forum where I met you amazing lot.
Sorry for the long post, would’ve left out a lot of context had I truncated it.
Thank you and much love.
