I was her longest relationship - Realization of not being over her.

[groundbreaker]

Well,

I've had my ups and downs over the year and 4 months. I'm fairly over the "romantic" part of our relationship.

I'm still wildly attracted to her, but I could easily say no to a relationship.

So, I'm having a dilemma right now and it's kinda of bothering me. I just recently found out through mutual friends that her second relationship after we split has now ended. This got me thinking.

All her previous relationships we under 1 years and the men always seemed sketchy at best. Her mother told me a lot about the guys she dated before, they were for the most part artsy types but the deadbeat kind.

I'm a IT professional, make good money, take care of my self physically, into sports, and geeky, not to artsy but appreciate it and enjoy it tremendously, it's what attracted me to her was she had those qualities i didn't. Either way I'm about as opposite as you can get to these guys. Then the two new guys after me was a junkie that she spent 4 months waiting to get out of jail, (She left him for the second guy before he even got out of rehab.) and the most recently an ex addict that and has two kids.  I looked at the most recent guy online and I see so many posts of not directly speaking of her, but you can see the BPD craziness he was experiencing.

Now I sit her thinking what happens in these relationships where she's leaving them in such short spans in comparison to our little over 5 year relationship?

I know towards the end I was getting fed up with all the BS, but I still wasn't planning on leaving her. Maybe I pulled away to much, said to much, and she was picking up on it and she didn't want to make the change.

Either way I don't know what made me be the one she spent so much time staying with.

[circularref]

Hello,

My relationship lasted about 8 months. From what she told me none of her previous relationships lasted more than 3 months except one that lasted 1 year (somehow she still said I was the longest relationship she had). From what I've heard, the previous guys sounded like loosers (except the 1 year guy, where I've heard many contradicting information). I've had the same thought as you (why did it last more than 3 months?) and I think it boils down to two things:

- As an IT professional (I also work in IT), we are able to handle a lot of stress because of work, which helps in the relationship

- There was a third party that helped divert or ease a lot of bs. In my case I had a very nice friend that would talk to my ex after every fight. Whatever I said, I could never convince my ex of anything, but for some reason this friend could. For the guy that lasted a year, it seems it was his family that helped ease any tension (my ex told me more about the family than him).

It strange that we think about the length of the relationship. I never cared about the length of the previous relationships of my other exes except this one. I think I've exerted so much patience, been so understanding, and now I'm so drained that I'm wondering how did the others handle it? Clearly much more impatient than me. And now I'm wondering how long the replacement is going to last. He seems quite solid and is a bit older, so presumably he'll get tired of her bs faster? I suppose it doesn't matter.

[Herodias]

I think about the length too. I knew mine 9 years- 7 married. He had several women during our relationship _ non lasting more than a few months. This pregnant gf has lasted 9/10 months... .I think because she totally feeds his ego and is now pregnant! They live together as of November, so I will see how that speeds things up for them. I think she is beginning to see some of his quirks. He's back to watching tv shows and movies that are about murderers and sex documentaries. I wonder if he's watching porn while she sleeps yet, more than likely since she has to be at work at 4 am everyday so he is left to his own devices at night. That's when we had real problems! He would invite strangers over and walk them through the house! Anyway- I was with him the longest. Might be stamina or stupidity on our part. It's just up to the next one as to how long they stay! It sounds like you are all better quality people than your pwBPD as I am. They probably feel more stable, but mine somehow felt like he was keeping up with the joneses and went for someone he felt more level with ... .That's what he said. She's really Beneath him and he doesn't want to admit it now that she is pregnant. His own mother called her trash- I don't dare tell him!

[JQ]

Hello Groundbreaker (GB) & Circularref (ref),

Ref you're new here with only 2 post and GB your fairly new here as well so let me be own of the first to say hi and welcome you to the group.  I would encourage you two to read the references to the right side and at the top to help you learn all that you can about BPD and just how much it is a SERIOUS MENTAL / BEHAVIORAL ILLNESS it actually is. The 3 C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't Cure it!  LEARN IT! KNOW IT! LIVE IT!

The trauma she experienced that most likely created her BPD happened long before you were ever in the picture. GB you said "I know towards the end I was getting fed up with all the B/S."     You, me, Ref, even therapist can't CONTROL it!  Nothing you do or don't do, NOTHING you say or don't say will ever control it!  And when you read about the experiences of others who shared a relationship with a BPD or read books or articles about BPD you will learn that even the best head docs & therapist can't repair the damage that they have. My exBPDgf is self aware AND has been in therapy for more then 25 years with multiple therapist. Given that fact I have no idea why I thought I could help her, repair her, reassure her ... .she once told me she was broke beyond repair ... .I refused to believe it ... .I took the red pill and chased the rabbit down the rabbit hole ... .I should taken the blue pill Neo and woke up in my bed blissfully unknowing about the drama, chaos that BPD would introduced into my life!

You guys are IT ... .logical in thought process ... .1's and O's ... .black white ... .on ... .off. BPD is anything but that and will never make logical sense no matter how much time you put into it. They are mentally ... .behaviorally stunted like that of a 3 year old.  If you think about certain situations you can look back and see how they were thinking about something as a 3 year old toddler ... .it didn't make sense. And when they didn't get their way they threw a temper tantrum like a 3 year old.  NO amount of personal energy and logical thought process of how you could of did something different, said something else is ever going to make a difference.

They will recycle ... .GB you mentioned that you had a lot of ups and downs over the 16 months  you had with her. BPD's need to be in control of the situation ... .whatever the situation is ... .it doesn't matter. If they feel they are loosing control they will throw a tantrum.  When they PULL    you into the relationship they do it because they feel abandonment real or not and do it in a way that you might not notice ... .it is a skill they've learned over the years ... .it's a survival skill. The emotion they show you is real ... .and perhaps the love is real ... .but when you fall for them and show them the same love in return they develop feelings of "ENGULFMENT"    and they start to push you away so they remain in control. This is classic push / pull behavior of someone who has BPD ... .NOTHING you can do to change this behavior.

They will always have a "replacement" ready before they call it quits with you or push you away ... .it's what they do. Again it's a learned behavior ... .NOTHING you can do will change this.  They will have triangle after triangle in order to live the life they do. MY exBPDgf told me that if her therapist could right a book on all the sex triangles she's had over the years. When they push you away ... .this is what they call, "painting you black" and your replacement is, "painted white".  She might tell you why he is the one or when you get recycled how bad of a lover he was and how you completely rock her to her soul ... .or how he didn't understand her ... .but that you understand her so much better ... .etc. etc. etc.  This is a way to pull you back in because she feel abandonment ... .then when she's loosing control of the relationship and feels engulfed once again she pushes you away ... .and the cycle repeats yet again.

You have to decide whether you want to deal with her flying monkey's that she lets loose to cause the chaos and drama that she does ... .do you want to continue on the crazy train roller coaster recycle after recycle.  Learn that her monkey's are hers to put back in her cage ... .it's not your responsibility to do it.  You two are most likely like a lot of us here ... .we are codependent or NONs. We are perfectionist, sheriffs riding in on the white horse to save her from the daily drama and chaos she creates. We are the Knight in armor protecting her from her evil exboyfriends promising NEVER to hurt her like they did. As perfectionist ... .we analyze after the breakup what we might of said or didn't say ... .what we did or didn't do in order to get her back and once we get her back then we will have our ... .you got it, "our soulmates" ... .until one of the flying monkey's escapes from their cage and the raging, yelling, and the recycle starts all over again.

If you read the stories of other and I encourage you too ... .you will learn that some NONs aka codependents have been in a marriage or relationship for years and dealt with all the sex triangles, the money spending issues, the drug and or alcohol abuse, the raging ... .they all have a lot in common when it comes to a relationship with a BPD. BUUUT they ALL have the same thing in common ... .that someone with BPD will never get better ... .they will always have a mental / behavioral illness.  There is evidence to show that with years of ongoing DBT therapy and the correct balance of meds they might be able to live a semi normal life ... ."MIGHT".  But all the stories I've read ... .the codependent has accepted the person for the mental illness they have for whatever reason they needed to ... .but it never really gets better ... .they just "live with it".

It's the start of a New Year! You have the ability to start fresh and learn more about yourself and then go forward and develop a normal, fulfilling, mutual respectful, caring and loving relationship that you guys deserve.  Learn all that you can about BPD ... .you can't do this on your own ... .read ... .learn ... .come back here to get the support, ideas and guidance from others ... .we can't walk your path for you ... .but we can tell you what did or didn't work for us. When you stumble on your journey of self discovery someone here will be there to hold out a hand and pull you back up ... .we'll dust you off and send you back on your journey.

Come back here as often as you need to ... .tell us more about how things are going ... .how you NO CONTACT or NC is going and if you need help with that. Someone will always  be here ... .

JQ  

[thisworld]

I'm, as far as I know, my ex's shortest committed relationship (3 months max. with the last bit me more or less trying to solve problems or send him away from my house in a more or less healthy way that wouldn't result in some drastic damage in his fragile health). I for sure know that he had long-term relationships up to 7 years (call it 5 as he exaggerates everything and 7 doesn't match his relationship history). I also believe there were short term things where people ran for the hills, but he didn't tell me about them of course.

I believe the length of a relationship depends on internal characteristics of partners as well as external and measurable qualities. In this sense, someone having less measurable success in ways of the world may have stronger personal boundaries than the visibly successful person and may not be as willing to carry on with the relationship. On the other hand, a female BPD may see a strong father figure in someone successful and this may have motivated her to stay. I don't think we will ever be able to fully know but a look into our behaviour and issues may increase our self-awareness so that we can see our contribution to what went on.

I, for one, do not understand how anyone could tolerate living with my ex for longer than a month (and that includes myself). When I look at his past relationships and partners though (this is not difficult because he had an online narcissistic harem), I get the impression that the longest relationships were the unhealthiest ones with seriously codependent, NPD or perhaps even BPD behaviours on behalf of partners. These were full of anguish, mutual hurt and abuse and a lot of playing with each other. These are exactly what my ex associates with "love" so chaos may have kept him in these relationships. In our relationship, he had no intention of leaving me for the time being (although he dumped me ten times in one week and went nowhere farther than my balcony) but this didn't mean that he was ready to change any behaviour to keep the relationship going. Still, I believe, I as a high-functioning person provided some narcissistic supply to my dysfunctional ex and functioned as his normalcy pot, which, to me, means he probably would not leave me in the short run but turn my life into hell if I went on.

Still, I'm thinking how could anyone have put up with this for years? One thing I have in my mind (but this is new because I've only recently started work on the self-inventory board) is that my secure attachment style may have worsened his behaviour because I came up with more boundaries which annoyed him. So, he went over me like a tank with whatever he could. At the same time, I have discovered that he once followed and slapped one of his ex's in the middle of the road, so who knows? I was on the receiving end of attempted violence during a rage but I know that he was very afraid of me most of the time, in a way I know he doesn't have with other women - he believes I'm his first "equal" relationship as he always "dated down" - 50% arrogant crap really, he should look at himself and behaviour regardless of social class.    

I seriously believe, with my ex, success of a relationship should be measured with shortness as I don't believe anybody in their right mind can be healthily happy with him.  

[circularref]

Hello JQ, thanks for the kind words! Thinking of my ex as having the behavior of a 3 year old instead of logically certainly helped processing what happened.

I believe the length of a relationship depends on internal characteristics of partners as well as external and measurable qualities. In this sense, someone having less measurable success in ways of the world may have stronger personal boundaries than the visibly successful person and may not be as willing to carry on with the relationship. On the other hand, a female BPD may see a strong father figure in someone successful and this may have motivated her to stay. I don't think we will ever be able to fully know but a look into our behaviour and issues may increase our self-awareness so that we can see our contribution to what went on.

I agree that someone with more personal boundaries will not tolerate their behavior for very long. But why do you say that more visibly successful people are going to have less personal boundaries?

[thisworld]

Oh, I didn't mean that, sorry for not explaining myself properly. I didn't mean that as a rule or principle but meant that sometimes measurable things may not be the only criterion. For instance, I'm a high functioning person with a good degree of success in life. However, I'm prone to risk-taking in the initial stages of a relationship. One of my girlfriends, on the other hand, is a long time narcotics anonymous member who doesn't have much measurable, visible in life at this point in her life. However, among my girlfriends, she is the one who has reacted to this relationship most strongly, telling me very very clearly to stay away from this man. I know she would run for the hills the second she met this man. Our relationship behaviours are different during our relationships. My attachment style is secure, so I tend to get out of difficulty quicker sometimes - depending on the nature of the problem- but with her attachment style, she tends to be hurt in some relationships. People have different strengths and areas of personal growth regardless of measurable things. That's what I was trying to say. Sorry again, for the misunderstanding.

[circularref]

Oh, that makes sense and I absolutely agree with you.

[groundbreaker]

Thanks JQ,

As you stated about the information about BPD, I've been reading and learning for over a year now. It's what has helped me move on.

My question was somewhat rhetorical, I know I'll never understand or know why we lasted so long in comparison to the rest of her relationships.

She didn't have a replacement while we were together. She didn't wait long though. Took 6 weeks for her to meet up with a junkie at a wedding where she knew he was going to jail in the next month. "They fell in love" and she wrote him everyday. Soon as he got out and went to rehab, some dude from her past found her on FB and that is/was the most recent bf she just broke it off with.

Meanwhile, she occasionally stalks my FB. I can always tell when she's lonely or fighting... My FB starts having her show up.

[JQ]

Thanks JQ,

As you stated about the information about BPD, I've been reading and learning for over a year now. It's what has helped me move on.

My question was somewhat rhetorical, I know I'll never understand or know why we lasted so long in comparison to the rest of her relationships.

She didn't have a replacement while we were together. She didn't wait long though. Took 6 weeks for her to meet up with a junkie at a wedding where she knew he was going to jail in the next month. "They fell in love" and she wrote him everyday. Soon as he got out and went to rehab, some dude from her past found her on FB and that is/was the most recent bf she just broke it off with.

Meanwhile, she occasionally stalks my FB. I can always tell when she's lonely or fighting... My FB starts having her show up.

GB,

if you TRULY want to move on ... .want to live life without carrying a leash for her flying monkey's you really need to go NC. This includes blocking her number for text and calls. Lock down your FB to friends ... .if you share mutual friends you have to reach out to them and tell them not to discuss anything about you ... .or unfriend them as well. This is all part of the healing process ... .of letting things go ... .for when you truly let things go ... .aka ... .let her go in ALL aspects of your life will you truly be healed and be able to move on to a more healthy, mutually respectful relationship that you truly deserve ... .

[FannyB]

I was my ex's longest relationship by quite some distance since her marriage ended a decade ago. I can't decide whether I lasted so long because I was such a great boyfriend, or whether I was so unhealthy myself that my own pathology dovetailed perfectly with her BPD? 

Either way, looking at it positively,  my tenure as the 'soulmate' was a triumph of sorts!   



Fanny

[JQ]

GB,

To help with your NC ... .lock down your FB and if you sure mutual friends perhaps you might want to unfriend them at least for awhile. AS far as your phone and her texting or calling ... .yes you can block them ... .BUUUUT you can log onto your carrier website and actually change your own number as often as you need too. It's free and you can choose from a several numbers that they provide to you. Then restrict who gets it ... .that should actually fix the constant texting or calling ... .just a thought brother.

Going full NC means going full NC and I'm happy to locked down my FB and change my number in order for some peace of mind ... .it's really nice to finally let the flying monkey's pass me by 

JQ