BPD- The gift that keeps on giving...

[Nextinline]

Couldn't think of a better way to describe this topic. This BPD disorder is like weeds in the garden, just when you think you have nuked them all, they pop up somewhere else. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving  

So here is the latest... .after the uBPDexgf reached out in early December to tell me how unhappy she is and the "unexpected" meeting in a car park the following day where she just burst into tears and would not stop hugging me... .she managed to get through Xmas and the New Year with her "fiance" by her side.

In the current "grey rock/LC" mode of communication that I have adopted, I will respond to her if she initiates contact. But I will not reach out to her at all.

So she sent text messages over the holiday period wishing me a good Xmas and New Year... .etc etc. I responded cordially, of course, and said that I hope 2016 gives her and her fiance everything they deserve. I don't think she got the irony in that comment though  

So... .last Sunday night after not hearing from her for a few days... .the text floodgates opened. She was drunk... .and the outpouring of drunk emotions started... .the "I love you", the "I miss you", the "I miss us", the "I am so unhappy without you in my life", the "I so miss your sons", the "I miss everything you gave me", the "You are the only person that actually understands me and can deal with me"... .all of course offset by the... ."you never adored me enough", "you were always angry at me", "you said you would love me forever", "you said you would never leave me"... (that last one was funny as she just packed up and left after more than 4 years living together and was with "the love of her life" 2 weeks later.

So, since then the emails and texts have been flooding from her. All expressing the same feelings about me and the same frustrations about my replacement who is now her fiance. She has even said that she regrets being involved with him and wants out of the relationship. She has said that she wants to be back with me.

So I am now painted white and the new guy is painted black. Funny thing is that her "fiance" displays all the narcissistic behaviours that you could imagine. He even travels with his own band of "flying monkeys" which have now turned against my ex. He is even triangulating her with another woman. Seriously, you could write a  soap opera about this sh!t.

But this is where the disorder gets worse. She is now clearly feeling the effects of potential abandonment and is working hard to triangulate me back into the relationship. Not gunna happen!

She has now expressed honest feelings about the boredom, the lack of interest, the lack of excitement, the need to look for excitement elsewhere. It was at that point that she admitted that she knew something was wrong with her but she didn't know what it was. She admitted that she can't be satisfied no matter what people do for her. She admitted that no one has ever had the mental ability and strength to deal with her when she was behaving this way... .except me. She then admitted that she does not know what to do to fix herself.

So I am guessing she now has an awareness that, as a woman in her mid forties with nothing in her life other than a reputation of being the "loser party girl" as she calls herself, something is not right with her. I don't know though if this is a request for genuine help or just a recycle/rescue attempt.

Guys, you have all gone through this kind of push/pull behaviour. But at what point do you think they are actually having a moment of clarity and asking for real help as opposed to just soothing?

She texted me last night... .which was the icing on the cake for me... .she was at her fiance's. She asked me how I was and what I was doing. I responded with something simple and then stupidly asked how she was. Her response was "how do you think I feel when I am at my fiance's place and he is too busy watching a drain being cleaned than to talk to me"! Kind of says her life is a mess, one that she created though. I asked her if she has told the fiance how she is feeling... .her answer was "NO". That said it all to me... .no guts, no glory!

What she does about it now is up to her... .the extent to which I help her is up to me, I guess.

That is the bit I struggle with... .to help by listening, to help by doing or to disregard and let her suffer with her own demise.

C'mon team... .point me in the right direction here as this one is a tough one! Walk away and watch her drown or throw her a non-committal life line so she can pull herself out of the mess she has created?

[Lonely_Astro]

Walk... .no run, away!  Seriously, nothing good can come of this.  While I miss my pwBPD (and it's been very hard to not reach out to her), I know talking to her will do nothing but lead to more pain/confusion.  I told myself I could talk to her and be her friend but the truth is, I can't.  Even today, while I have been pretty well NC with her (I see her at work, haven't spoken to her), I found out that she had lied to me about applying for another job (that stems from our final week of talking where she said she knew I wanted her to leave and she planned to.  She told me she had applied for another job and was waiting to hear back.  Well, I happened to run into a contact of mine where she had applied... .guess what?  She hadn't.  So, yeah, she lied even about that).

No matter what, leave.  It doesn't get better and toying with putting your toe in the water is dangerous.

[UVA2002]

She's going to drown anyway don't get pulled down. Million of women out there are not crazy you have options. I know it sounds cold but I've been through it and am going through it now.I  would go NC and don't look back. Sounds like She has had plenty of years of self aware reckless behavior so she doesn't want help just your attention. Trust me the lies and bad dark behavior you know about are the tip of an iceberg you don't want to dig into. It will scar you for life so save yourself you only get one life.

[izabellizima]

Her response was "how do you think I feel when I am at my fiance's place and he is too busy watching a drain being cleaned than to talk to me"! Kind of says her life is a mess, one that she created though. I asked her if she has told the fiance how she is feeling... .her answer was "NO". That said it all to me... .no guts, no glory!

What she does about it now is up to her... .the extent to which I help her is up to me, I guess.

That is the bit I struggle with... .to help by listening, to help by doing or to disregard and let her suffer with her own demise.

C'mon team... .point me in the right direction here as this one is a tough one! Walk away and watch her drown or throw her a non-committal life line so she can pull herself out of the mess she has created?

To be honest, you don't even know if she's being true or if maybe her man is actually out of town or asking who she is texting while they're on the couch together. There may not even be a drain problem.

If honesty isn't an issue, the issue is: couple problems should stay inside the couple. Suggest couple's counseling to get better at communication and tell her to enjoy the rest of her day or evening next time this occurs?

Why NC is the best solution to a BPD ex.

[izabellizima]

Walk... .no run, away!  Seriously, nothing good can come of this.  While I miss my pwBPD (and it's been very hard to not reach out to her), I know talking to her will do nothing but lead to more pain/confusion.  I told myself I could talk to her and be her friend but the truth is, I can't.  Even today, while I have been pretty well NC with her (I see her at work, haven't spoken to her), I found out that she had lied to me about applying for another job (that stems from our final week of talking where she said she knew I wanted her to leave and she planned to.  She told me she had applied for another job and was waiting to hear back.  Well, I happened to run into a contact of mine where she had applied... .guess what?  She hadn't.  So, yeah, she lied even about that).

No matter what, leave.  It doesn't get better and toying with putting your toe in the water is dangerous.

These are the posts that scare me. I know my on/off BPD lies. Small lies, big ones. I reached out, I missed her. I was reminded of why we broke up within the first 30 minutes of us meeting, but then I was also so lonely and she is so familiar and feels so nurturing that I took her back in. I could hear lie after lie after lie. The ones I can't handle I sort of just shutter off me like a roach crawling on my arm.

I can take just about anything... .but lies. That's making me so angry.

Nextinline, be glad you don't have the girl is not with you. Her fiance probably has no idea what he's gotten into.

[Lonely_Astro]

Walk... .no run, away!  Seriously, nothing good can come of this.  While I miss my pwBPD (and it's been very hard to not reach out to her), I know talking to her will do nothing but lead to more pain/confusion.  I told myself I could talk to her and be her friend but the truth is, I can't.  Even today, while I have been pretty well NC with her (I see her at work, haven't spoken to her), I found out that she had lied to me about applying for another job (that stems from our final week of talking where she said she knew I wanted her to leave and she planned to.  She told me she had applied for another job and was waiting to hear back.  Well, I happened to run into a contact of mine where she had applied... .guess what?  She hadn't.  So, yeah, she lied even about that).

No matter what, leave.  It doesn't get better and toying with putting your toe in the water is dangerous.

These are the posts that scare me. I know my on/off BPD lies. Small lies, big ones. I reached out, I missed her. I was reminded of why we broke up within the first 30 minutes of us meeting, but then I was also so lonely and she is so familiar and feels so nurturing that I took her back in. I could hear lie after lie after lie. The ones I can't handle I sort of just shutter off me like a roach crawling on my arm.

I can take just about anything... .but lies. That's making me so angry.

Nextinline, be glad you don't have the girl is not with you. Her fiance probably has no idea what he's gotten into.

Well, with mine, lies were pretty much all I got.  It seems like most BPs are compulsive in lying.  Mine would tell me it was pouring rain when I could clearly see the sun shining.  The longer our r/s went on, the more and more she slipped up and I was catching the lies.

Someone put it like they are iceberg of lies.  There's the surface you can see (lies you know), then just below the waterline (lies you may or may not find out about), and then the deep dark bottom (lies you'll never know about). 

So true.

[steve195915]

That is the bit I struggle with... .to help by listening, to help by doing or to disregard and let her suffer with her own demise.

C'mon team... .point me in the right direction here as this one is a tough one! Walk away and watch her drown or throw her a non-committal life line so she can pull herself out of the mess she has created?

I have a different take on it and it really depends on you mind set.  Hopefully you realize that she won't get better and if you went back with her the past would just repeat itself.

The questions I have for you are:

Do you see yourself ever getting back into a serious relationship with her?

Does it get you upset to see her and hear from her? 

Is your attachment you feel towards her unhealthy for you?

If you answer yes to any of those questions then the answer is easy; NC and keep your distance.

If have you detached enough and you can still have contact with her where it's not unhealthy for you and the positives outweigh the negatives, then why not maintain contact of some sort.  You can recommend she gets therapy. I wouldn't get in the middle of her relationship issues, other than listening.  So if things end with her fiance, how would you feel going out with her time to time, maybe some sex?  Can you do that without getting sucked back in. 

I know maintaining contact with an exBpD is not the preferred method but each relationship is different and in some cases, (yes very few) maintaining contact can work.  I still see my exBPDgf, she doesn't want to see anyone else as she's tired of all the conflicts that will occur in her relationship, she sort of realizes how she is, and right now she's financially independent because she actually has a full time job so she doesn't need anyone right now.  So she painted me white for now and we go out on weekends and actually have a great time. I never promised anything to her.  If she's in a bad mood or starts being rude to me I won't see her.  Eventually she may start to see someone else and I may also and then we will stop seeing each other like we are and that's fine.  But for now, I'm really enjoying the moment while it lasts and I see nothing wrong with it.

[Nextinline]

Thanks to al of you who have responded here.

I really do appreciate it!

It seems to me that the consensus opinion is to walk, away and don't look back.

To an extent I have been able to do that for the last 5 months. I would not be honest with you guys if I said that I don't think about her, don't miss her and don't ask myself the "what if" questions.

I have gone through the period of having the good days and bad weeks. I am now having the great weeks and the kind of "so-so" days. So the whole spectrum of emotions have shifted for me. Part of me is taking some delight in knowing that she is now struggling with her unhappiness that she created from the decisions she made. The grass is not always greener!

So whilst the consensus is to run and not walk, part of me feels disconnected enough, as Steve suggested, to at least throw her a lifeline for her to do all the work to get her out of the mess she created without me feeling like I have to support her in any way.

So I feel secure in my detachment... .but... .I still have the niggling fear of the siren's song in my ear that is going to weaken me. At the moment I feel like I am Samson with his hair grown back... .I feel strong again... .but I DO NOT want to give her any power at all to get hold of the scissors again... .I hope some of you get the Greek mythology stuff here.

Sadly for me I guess is that her pain and misery is interesting me... .and maybe it is Karma that has finally shown up and is paying her a long overdue visit.

Thank you all so much for talking the time to read and respond. This is a journey for me that started in March last year and whilst I am in such a better place physically, spiritually and emotionally, I am not sure that the journey is over yet.

Cheers guys

NIL

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks to al of you who have responded here.

I really do appreciate it!

It seems to me that the consensus opinion is to walk, away and don't look back.

To an extent I have been able to do that for the last 5 months. I would not be honest with you guys if I said that I don't think about her, don't miss her and don't ask myself the "what if" questions.

I have gone through the period of having the good days and bad weeks. I am now having the great weeks and the kind of "so-so" days. So the whole spectrum of emotions have shifted for me. Part of me is taking some delight in knowing that she is now struggling with her unhappiness that she created from the decisions she made. The grass is not always greener!

So whilst the consensus is to run and not walk, part of me feels disconnected enough, as Steve suggested, to at least throw her a lifeline for her to do all the work to get her out of the mess she created without me feeling like I have to support her in any way.

So I feel secure in my detachment... .but... .I still have the niggling fear of the siren's song in my ear that is going to weaken me. At the moment I feel like I am Samson with his hair grown back... .I feel strong again... .but I DO NOT want to give her any power at all to get hold of the scissors again... .I hope some of you get the Greek mythology stuff here.

Sadly for me I guess is that her pain and misery is interesting me... .and maybe it is Karma that has finally shown up and is paying her a long overdue visit.

Thank you all so much for talking the time to read and respond. This is a journey for me that started in March last year and whilst I am in such a better place physically, spiritually and emotionally, I am not sure that the journey is over yet.

Cheers guys

NIL

With all you said that I bolded:  I just don't see you being ready to get near her again without falling for the siren song.  I've been there.  I was at the point she was rarely on my mind.  She seemed to be in a better place herself and I fell for the siren song.  It was subtle, at first, and it evolved into a full blown r/s that imploded by the end of 2015.  I was practically NC for 3 years.  Yes, years.  Do I regret having a r/s with her this past year?  No.  I regret I didn't make certain choices along the way, but to be honest, I was misled along the way. 

Simply just don't do it unless you're ready for round 2 (or 3 or 4 or ... .).