What is wrong with me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I’m struggling, in tears and in pain. Deep down I know I should leave, get out of this soul destroying mess of a relationship. It is literally tearing me apart. I have lost so much and despite desperately trying to pull myself up I keep allowing myself to be pushed further and further down. I am here asking for some advice, some words of wisdom that will help me so I can get my life back. I’ve been with my BPD/Narcissistic bf for almost two years, off again, on again, push/pull, rages, rants, devalue, devalue, devalue. I am exhausted. I am seeing a therapist who says this is abuse at its worst, but I can’t seem to stay away. I am slowly gaining understanding of what’s keeping me attached to someone who for the most part treats me terribly, although can also be loving, caring, funny, but it’s a slow process. He constantly sabotages us in many, many ways. The latest involves his 23 year old daughter. I have been living at his place from Saturday nights until Wednesday afternoons when I have to leave as this is the start of his time with his daughters. They are aged 15 and 17, but they do not want anything to do with me as they do not want him to have a girlfriend. (He has been separated from their mother for six years).He constantly tells me this, tells me not to take it personally, and that I need to just accept it as it is, that it might improve later.  He also has a 23 year old daughter and a few days ago sprung it on me that she is moving in with him this coming Friday. She doesn’t want him to have a girlfriend either and recently asked if he was going to re-propose to her mother. This has upset me tremendously and according to him I am wrong to be upset. Wrong to have concerns. I am confused as he recently asked me to marry him, makes promises of us having a future together. I asked him why he never thought to discuss this with me and he insists he did (gaslighting me) and also that she was his daughter and if she wants to move in she can. I am not asking him to turn his daughter away just acknowledge that this is going to affect our relationship, the woman doesn’t want me in her father’s life! He says she does now and that this will bring us closer together as a couple! That this will be the foundation of our future life together, because now she will get to know me and we can be a family, but I feel discounted and disregarded.  It’s all about him and his interests. My life revolves around him and I’m doing this to myself. I thought I’d reached my enough moment, but he’s wormed his way back in and now has me confused that I’m wrong to be concerned. I’m a pathetic mess of a person. I need to get out and I know it. Can anyone help me please. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I right to be concerned? I feel devalued, second best. I don’t want him to be in a position to choose between his daughters or me and would never do that. I have accepted that I can’t be at his house when they are there, but I count too. I matter. Is this me, is this all in my head as he says? I feel as if I am clutching at this so I can leave. He is destroying me.

[Larmoyant]

I’m struggling, in tears and in pain. Deep down I know I should leave, get out of this soul destroying mess of a relationship. It is literally tearing me apart. I have lost so much and despite desperately trying to pull myself up I keep allowing myself to be pushed further and further down. I am here asking for some advice, some words of wisdom that will help me so I can get my life back. I’ve been with my BPD/Narcissistic bf for almost two years, off again, on again, push/pull, rages, rants, devalue, devalue, devalue. I am exhausted. I am seeing a therapist who says this is abuse at its worst, but I can’t seem to stay away. I am slowly gaining understanding of what’s keeping me attached to someone who for the most part treats me terribly, although can also be loving, caring, funny, but it’s a slow process. He constantly sabotages us in many, many ways. The latest involves his 23 year old daughter. I have been living at his place from Saturday nights until Wednesday afternoons when I have to leave as this is the start of his time with his daughters. They are aged 15 and 17, but they do not want anything to do with me as they do not want him to have a girlfriend. (He has been separated from their mother for six years).He constantly tells me this, tells me not to take it personally, and that I need to just accept it as it is, that it might improve later.  He also has a 23 year old daughter and a few days ago sprung it on me that she is moving in with him this coming Friday. She doesn’t want him to have a girlfriend either and recently asked if he was going to re-propose to her mother. This has upset me tremendously and according to him I am wrong to be upset. Wrong to have concerns. I am confused as he recently asked me to marry him, makes promises of us having a future together. I asked him why he never thought to discuss this with me and he insists he did (gaslighting me) and also that she was his daughter and if she wants to move in she can. I am not asking him to turn his daughter away just acknowledge that this is going to affect our relationship, the woman doesn’t want me in her father’s life! He says she does now and that this will bring us closer together as a couple! That this will be the foundation of our future life together, because now she will get to know me and we can be a family, but I feel discounted and disregarded.  It’s all about him and his interests. My life revolves around him and I’m doing this to myself. I thought I’d reached my enough moment, but he’s wormed his way back in and now has me confused that I’m wrong to be concerned. I’m a pathetic mess of a person. I need to get out and I know it. Can anyone help me please. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Am I right to be concerned? I feel devalued, second best. I don’t want him to be in a position to choose between his daughters or me and would never do that. I have accepted that I can’t be at his house when they are there, but I count too. I matter. Is this me, is this all in my head as he says? I feel as if I am clutching at this so I can leave. He is destroying me.

[Turkish]

Larmoyant,

I heard a story similar to this about my Ex's grandma whose sons wouldn't "let" her remarry after their father died. That was in the 1950s in Mexico.

After my Ex left to be with her affair partner, then S4 started acting out towards them,.mostly his mom. You know what my T said? "It isn't S4's business who his mom chooses to be in a r/s with." He was no fan of My Ex either.

So what do you have here? An adult man who refuses to set clear, healthy boundaries with his children. Though it's nice to be nice on your side, his r/s is none of his daughters' business. I won't speculate on the reasons why, but those are unimportant. Obviously, he has a role as a father, especially to the teenagers, but he needs to be a father, not a friend, nor let them rule the roost.

I don't see this in a healthy situation as having to choose between his relationships, yet he's letting his daughters do it. Of course you would be hurt, maybe confused. Who wouldn't be? O don't think it's all in your head at all.

Can you validate his r/s with his kids while asserting your own values ("we're in a r/s; where do I fit in here?"?

[Larmoyant]

Turkish, thank you for replying. This is just the latest conflict that is our relationship. He's gaslighting me right now saying I have known for months that she is moving in which is not the truth. He is always trying to make me doubt my own memory. There have been so many times when he's raged at me and later I get so confused that I end up believing that I am to blame for everything, but I'm holding onto the truth for dear life this time. The fact is he dropped this info on me and now I am supposed to go to his house and socialise with someone who doesn't want me there! He claims I have no reason to be upset that he has now provided me with an opportunity to get on with his daughter. That this proves his commitment to me! I am baffled how this proves his commitment. I am supposed to be going to his place again this Saturday, but just cannot see myself going. The last time I met his daughter she positioned herself between him and I and blocked me out and hardly said a word to me. I asked him where do I fit in here and his answer was that he didn't understand the question.