Rehab?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone.

  My xBPDw is now in rehab. She would abuse her meds, take amphetamine, smoke pot... .etc.  Although it may be good for her to follow this rehab, I know that it won't help with her BPD. Am I right in saying her drug addiction is caused by her BPD and getting off drugs won't make her better for long? Unless she gets help for her BPD, she won't get very far even after rehab!

[Holm]

Hello everyone.

  My xBPDw is now in rehab. She would abuse her meds, take amphetamine, smoke pot... .etc.  Although it may be good for her to follow this rehab, I know that it won't help with her BPD. Am I right in saying her drug addiction is caused by her BPD and getting off drugs won't make her better for long? Unless she gets help for her BPD, she won't get very far even after rehab!

[thisworld]

Hello Holm,

I have exactly the same feeling about my ex. He is a heroin addict with an infrequent but long-term pattern with long term experiences with suboxone, both using it properly and abusing it at different times. He went into rehab to be with me, quit it in the middle, quit suboxone. He started abusing prescribed benzos, pregabalin, THC and whatever came his way. Addiction and BPD cause very similar distortions, similar reactions etc, and I know addiction imitates personality disorders. But I'm 100% sure that it's the personality disorder that's causing his ongoing addiction - a way of soothing- and those behaviours go nowhere when he quits for long periods - 5-6 years on suboxone is long enough. If anything, addiction masks the severity of certain behaviours while magnifying others but BPD is so there. At first, I tolerated and even encouraged some of my ex's narcissistic behaviour, attributing it to the losses and insecurities caused by addiction. I thought maybe with a functioning, positive life, these would pass or diminish. To the contrary! Narcissism grew.

I know other addicts closely, people who have recovered from equally long-term substance addiction and who have been attending both secular and AA meetings regularly, and they all say this is deeper and beyond addiction. I have experienced those friends' behaviours both when they were using and not. I never saw anything like this really.      

It differs for each individual of course, but my ex's behaviour or mood is nowhere near behaviour or moods of other addicts abusing similar substances.


 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Holm, welcome to the forum!  

As thisworld wrote, addicts often exhibit BPD traits. I have a friend who is a recovered drug addict who thought he had BPD while he was using but found that those feelings and patterns of thought changed when he cleaned up and quit using.

My exgf is an alcoholic and has BPD. She has gone dry periodically but her BPD is still there. She will need to address both issues in order to live a healthier life without the complications of either illness.

Holm, you were asking with regards to your ex-wife. Do you still have regular contact with her? Do you have children together? Are you asking because you have some possible hope to get back together on the future?

[Stu84]

Holm,

My situation is not unlike your's.  I described my saga in an earlier, recent post.  Basically my ex fiance got horribly addicted to meth unbeknownst to me, threw me away and had another guy lined up.  She sold the ring, kept the money I gave her for her credit card debt  A few months later she tried contacting me and after some weak rejecting attempts by myself I relented and we slowly got back together.  She proclaimed her soulmate love to me, paid me back my $$ (strings attached of course) and she went to rehab overseas with our mutual idea that we would try rebuild our relationship.  I had HOPE, that her past awful behavior was merely the effect of drug abuse and that the honeymoon period would return.  

But soon mate, after two months of her being clean, the controlling, demanding, devaluing behavior was back with some aspects like hypersensitivity to perceived criticism more extreme than ever before and it all ended with her leaving and me more bewildered, shell-shocked and depressed as ever.  I'm still completely devastated after 2 months.

Fact is, even professionals find dual diagnosis a major dilemma in determining what's what.  You're going to ruminate endlessly trying to analyse every detail; 'what did this comment indicate? what was that action indicative of'.  While it is harmful and futile to try find rational logic in her comments and actions, as well as excessive ruminating in itself, if you use your research and resources wisely, you'll uncover some answers in the illogical nature of your SO's behavior.  For me, it was behaviors and comments of my ex that I chose to gloss over - the speed in which we proclaimed love for each other, her admission that all her past BFs "went crazy", shoplifting, her admission (late in the relationship) that she'd been an escort, her utter impulsiveness even when clean, her acknowledgement that she'd been on "good behavior" for the first 9 months, her failure to truly and sincerely say 'sorry' for her past actions and 'thank you' for my decision to be there and support her going to rehab even though a normal person would understand the hell I'd been through and try to make amends for this.  Fact is, she never really tried to show amends even when sober - she was no sooner "gutted" that I couldn't find the time off work to fly to Thailand to join her for a weekend of rehab sessions, she expressed her disenchantment that I'd not yet told my family that we were trying to rebuild, she requested that I stop drinking socially because she found it repulsive  trying to indicate that I had a problem with it and on it went... .

Some days mate, I do have days of "what if" - 'what if it was just drugs and in her new-found sobriety she eventually becomes the person I met and some other guy reaps the reward?'  But critical thinking on your behalf may eventually lead you to realize, like I did, that something else lies beneath.

I have read a lot and come to agree with the suggestion that a big part of BPD is a system of complex, primal defense mechanisms that protect the pwBPD from feelings of responsibility for hurting others they love and from feeling SHAME.  In my opinion, a person must feel severe shame at past drug abuse and the depths they went to feed their addiction and this could only be magnified if that person had a PD.  Subsequent behavior may be their defense mechanism kicking in to avoid these feelings.

Despite how she treated me, I can only feel pity and sadness for what lies in wait for my ex gf when a moment of clarity hits her.  I fear for her.  But I must save myself from the madness of it all.

Addiction is a chronic illness and in my opinion, so is BPD.  In either case, read one of the many 'signs of emotional abuse' articles out there - if you believe yourself to be a victim of such abuse - STOP, think - 'can I really help this person if I can't help myself first?'

Accept that any decision will hurt you initially - but the right decision will save you.

Take care, good luck.

[thisworld]

My ex resorts to this as a last resort: So, as a BPD he is inclined to spirituality, which is a part of some recovery programmes and which helps some people recover. He doesn't like secular programmes because they require some serious cognitive change (pretty similar to DBT) on a more systematic level. So, he borrows NA teachings for instance, mixes them with other spiritual stuff (he just borrows from here and there, I've never seen him read anything or put some real thought to things) and comes up with strange recovery-related world views that somehow do not change his addiction in the slightest. So, you have a seriously high life guru who seeks sexual and other attention through FB mentoring of young and naive women who seem to think he makes sense - he doesn't, this world view is full of contradictions. He also abuses any concept he comes across in secular therapies - like moderate sobriety- and of course, if he doesn't move forward he can't remain at the same level, he goes back to more active addiction. When you point out that he isn't that "moderately" sober, he dysregulates. Beautiful combination. 

[Holm]

Learning_curve74... I have no children with her... .had some contact with her from March 2015- August 2015. She has 2 children from two different fathers... .she almost lost them and the only hope to keep them was rehab where she can be with them. The rehab Center has a special program for single mothers which is good actually. It's a good plan, however I have a feeling she will dive back into addiction when she leaves rehab.

   I have been a friend to her ever since the divorce. I still care for her of course but I know very well not to even think of hooking up with her again.

[Herodias]

Mine has had lots of addictions over the years... .Heroin was one before I knew him. Then alcohol and pills. he did cocaine at one time too. His job prevents him from doing illegal drugs so that seems to keep him under control with those things for the most part with an occasional use. The alcohol is daily. The pills are the worst! He has a pending felony with those and maybe that's what is keeping him from doing them now. He always seemed more controlled when something was pending. He starts it up again when the courts dismiss him. When he is not on meds or alcohol, the personality is still there! Big time! When I realized that, I knew it was't the alcohol like his parents want to believe. They think if he would just stop that, it would be better. Not so. He is still angry and mean. He even told me that he still chases women at work when he is sober... .I though the alcohol reduced his inhibitions and he did and said more though. Particularly with the porn and sex addiction... .he had no problem doing that when he is drunk.

[thisworld]

My ex's favourite stuff is speedball - intravenous cocktail of  meths and heroin basically. He did intravenous drugs only three times in our relationship but when I found out about his emotional cheating and showed him evidence, he went and overdosed. From then on, overdose became Damocles's sword hanging over my head because now I had to accept him with everything he does because "he was very sensitive and could overdose." To me, that's no way to live. It's like being an emotional hostage to someone.

[Holm]

So basically, you all would agree that drug addiction is a result and not the cause of BPD behaviour?

[thisworld]

I can't say that 100% of course, but I would say something very close that:

I believe when my ex started experimenting with drugs at the age of 16 (20 years ago), he had a certain disposition to become an addict. He was also a severely troubled boy with BPD. Drugs easily moved beyond being recreational and had the function of self-soothing. Since then, after maybe 25 rehabs, suboxone, everything, he has never been able to recover because BPD is there. It prevents him from any recovery (both cognitively and emotionally) - unless he accepts his problem and wants to change, but he is nowhere near there, he has his own multiple script of events, an addict doesn't lose connection with reality at this level actually. Addicts are very selfish emotionally but it doesn't manifest this way and rarely are they this devoid of empathy. At the moment, because these things are characterological, it would be impossible to say what is what. Still, I'm 99% sure (like all the addicts I know) that this is not only addiction and it would be there even if he was clean. It would manifest differently, I think I would get more rages, maybe more physical cheating.

The first year of recovery is not always termed "recovery" or "sobriety" anyway, it's sometimes termed "convolution" period - if I'm not wrong. Some do not advise major live changes - starting/re-starting relationships etc. I think this would give you a lot of chances to observe.

When I split up with my ex, his message/love bombing was mainly in the form of "I'm recovering." How he started doing recovery work etc - very manipulative in our case, even if it was unintentional "See what you have lost?".  He was back to drugs in 10-15 days and is as BPD.

[Holm]

Thanks everyone.

 

    By the way, I should mention this... .

The other day, there was a special story on my local TV news station on that actual rehab center. Guess who I saw on TV? There she was... .my heart went out to her. It's tough.

[thisworld]

Hey, I know the feeling

Did you feel like that because she seemed vulnerable in rehab?

[Herodias]

Oh no... .that would be embarrassing for her! Mine never liked to be embarrassed. Yes, I defiantly think the drug and alcohol abuse is a symptom not the cause of BPD. Some addicts can have erratic behavior, but not to the extreme as the pwBPD. When I used to drink which got me mixed up with my husband in the first place, I did all kinds of stupid things... .but I never did those things when I wasn't drinking and once I stopped drinking, I haven't done anything like it since. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I was a big partier when I was younger. Took way to many chances. It's amazing I survived when I think back on it! My husband's Aunt died from alcoholism. He used to tell me that sometimes he would see her at the foot of his bed when he was really bad off. He thought she was trying to warn him to stop. It didn't work. They drink to hide and to self medicate their pain and anxiety. I drank because I thought I was a fun and outgoing person that way... .I found out that I was really always the fun and outgoing person -even with out the alcohol, but with the alcohol, I was just an idiot!

[Holm]

Hey, I know the feeling

Did you feel like that because she seemed vulnerable in rehab?

Yes, exactly.

[Holm]

Oh no... .that would be embarrassing for her! Mine never liked to be embarrassed. Yes, I defiantly think the drug and alcohol abuse is a symptom not the cause of BPD. Some addicts can have erratic behavior, but not to the extreme as the pwBPD. When I used to drink which got me mixed up with my husband in the first place, I did all kinds of stupid things... .but I never did those things when I wasn't drinking and once I stopped drinking, I haven't done anything like it since. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I was a big partier when I was younger. Took way to many chances. It's amazing I survived when I think back on it! My husband's Aunt died from alcoholism. He used to tell me that sometimes he would see her at the foot of his bed when he was really bad off. He thought she was trying to warn him to stop. It didn't work. They drink to hide and to self medicate their pain and anxiety. I drank because I thought I was a fun and outgoing person that way... .I found out that I was really always the fun and outgoing person -even with out the alcohol, but with the alcohol, I was just an idiot!

.

               She actually seemed a little nervous, not really embarrassed. In reality, she likes the spotlight! 

[thisworld]

Hey, I know the feeling

Did you feel like that because she seemed vulnerable in rehab?

Yes, exactly.

Hey Holm,  

Whether you are identifying with her because you were in rehab yourself or are a user, or as a non-addict you think rehab is a painful thing, it is NOT. It's right now the peak of healthcare that is available. It's probably the best thing she is doing for herself if she went in there because of meth addiction. Also, in practice, it's nowhere as painful as it used to be. Actually, some people think that it's too easy nowadays so it doesn't deter people much:))

Addicts look vulnerable in rehab sometimes, but it's actually an illusionary sense of invulnerability, a high threshold of risk-taking that contributes to addiction anyway. She is most vulnerable when she seems/feels most strong (doing drugs). If she is using drugs as a form of self-harm, removing that is again very very positive for her. Yes, people in rehab are a bit shocked at first - but medication may be giving you that impression, too- but ultimately this is good for them. Everything we think was sort of OK has landed them in rehab. She is protected there, she is safe and yes, she needs to experience a lot of negative things and learn to deal with them. You cannot and should not try to change it for her, it will probably be enabling. She doesn't know how to deal with many things and she has to learn them even if it's painful. You need to accept this and it's a positive thing actually. What you have deemed positive experiences obviously have not helped, she is in rehab.

Her condition has probably conditioned you to react strongly to her vulnerability; you can change that by looking at some partner recovery programmes for yourself because addiction affects partners, too.    

If you are feeling guilt- very very common- working on that may be helpful to regain a healthy balance.

Stay strong,

[Holm]

Hey, I know the feeling

Did you feel like that because she seemed vulnerable in rehab?

Yes, exactly.

Thank you!

Hey Holm,  

Whether you are identifying with her because you were in rehab yourself or are a user, or as a non-addict you think rehab is a painful thing, it is NOT. It's right now the peak of healthcare that is available. It's probably the best thing she is doing for herself if she went in there because of meth addiction. Also, in practice, it's nowhere as painful as it used to be. Actually, some people think that it's too easy nowadays so it doesn't deter people much:))

Addicts look vulnerable in rehab sometimes, but it's actually an illusionary sense of invulnerability, a high threshold of risk-taking that contributes to addiction anyway. She is most vulnerable when she seems/feels most strong (doing drugs). If she is using drugs as a form of self-harm, removing that is again very very positive for her. Yes, people in rehab are a bit shocked at first - but medication may be giving you that impression, too- but ultimately this is good for them. Everything we think was sort of OK has landed them in rehab. She is protected there, she is safe and yes, she needs to experience a lot of negative things and learn to deal with them. You cannot and should not try to change it for her, it will probably be enabling. She doesn't know how to deal with many things and she has to learn them even if it's painful. You need to accept this and it's a positive thing actually. What you have deemed positive experiences obviously have not helped, she is in rehab.

Her condition has probably conditioned you to react strongly to her vulnerability; you can change that by looking at some partner recovery programmes for yourself because addiction affects partners, too.    

If you are feeling guilt- very very common- working on that may be helpful to regain a healthy balance.

Stay strong,

Thank you!