when I comforted him I was really comforting me?

[wakingfirst]

I am just noticing something.  The last week or so I've been feeling a bit sad, overwhelmed.  There's nothing seriously wrong, just the bumps in the road that come with the start of a new year.  And I'm feeling a bit vulnerable recently, because of the whole NC thing with the ex and other reasons too.  What I've noticed is, suddenly I'm having little daydreams in which I see my ex (and friend) w BPD again.  He's very upset about something, and I hug him close and comfort him.  That's it, that's the daydream.  And I think what I'm doing is imagining comforting him in the way that I'd like someone to comfort me. 

Just to be clear, there's really no shortage of people who will reassure me - I'm just not particularly good at asking them to.  It's something I'm working on.  And I have no reason at all to think my ex is unhappy right now.  He is scared of negative emotions and mostly just refuses to feel them.  Though when he is sad or distressed, he did for years come to me for comfort. 

I'm just now realizing that comforting him soothes me.   Even imagining it calms me down.  What's that about?  Can anyone relate?

And happy new year, btw. 

[bAlex]

I can, literally comforted her for a long time too. I guess for me it was about gaining some value back in her eyes after she devalued me. Felt good that she needed me again instead of looking down on me... if that makes sense? It didn't change a thing though.

[wakingfirst]

Hi bAlex, yes it does make sense.  I also did it partly because it felt good that he needed me for that.  He valued me in those times.  No one else could make him feel better, only me.  I was special.

And no, it never lasted.

[thisworld]

Hi Wakingfirst

I have some ideas, none of them very reliable But they occured to me anyway.

This may be the most reliable: We, as partners, may have associated our self-worth with being able to comfort, rescue someone or being useful for something. This is termed a co-dependent thought in some circles (though I don't believe in codependency as an "identity", everyone has more or less similar things to a degree. When we feel anxious or experience self-worthlessness out of nowhere and maybe without being aware (and these feelings are normal too because we are in a difficult situation), the mind may be referring to what it associates with worthiness. Imagining is a coping skill (which BPD and NPD takes to extreme proportions.) Does this happen at certain times to you? What are your feelings before these daydreamings (bored, unhappy, stressed, anxious, empty, hopeful?) Are you full, not hungry, physically well?

My pretty unreliable brain theory They say love addiction activates certain receptors on the brain. A good feeling flows fast then (like a drug). Similarly, some OCD patients enjoy experiencng crushes because again, the brain somehow focuses on this other feeling (or is obsessed with something else and something happy, a rare experience for someone experiencing severe anxiety). So maybe, for the time being some happy hormones are trying to sort out something in your system.

And my very suspicious psychoanalytical theory but I believe this myself When we have a problem with accepting some "goodness" from someone, when we unconsciously don't allow ourselves to accept this positive thing - FOO issues, childhood trauma etc- we transfer that good thing and experience in another setting. I once read that some people enjoy imagining their partners with other people in sexual settings because they have a problem with accepting pleasure for themselves, so they are experiencing that pleasure through other characters. (I think there was something like this in a Shakespeare play, probably Merchants of Venice, and there was a psychoanalytical interpretation). Maybe, you don't allow yourself fantasies where you are the one receiving care and love. You say something similar in your post actually "Comforting him the way I would like someone to comfort me" and very positively, you don't seem to be banning pleasure/comfort/love for yourself.

Do you think it would be possible to direct that love to yourself and to others (but not him) at a feelings or maybe daydreaming level?        

[wakingfirst]

Hi thisworld!  Just to say, first, that I've been having trouble with my internet so apologies for not responding to your last comments sooner.

I think all three of your ideas have merit.  I have these fantasies when I'm tired and/or overwhelmed, so they probably are about helping myself feel competent by imagining me at my best - caring for someone in distress.  They tend to go away once I've talked through how I'm feeling with  one or two people who express empathy, concern for me.  So it also has to do  with not knowing quite how to access support myself, but using my ex as a sort of surrogate for myself.  It is something I am working on, asking of help when I need it.

I got to talking to a woman in my gym about having to end one-sided, draining relationships.  She said, 'It's like you reach a point where you think,well, I can save one of us... .and so then you save yourself.'  I thought that summed it up!

Sending loving good wishes your way... .

[thisworld]

Hey Wakingfirst,

Don't worry about taking your time, we all have tremendously full lives anyway - what goes through my mind everyday feels like a full-time job to me. Friends are here whenever you are

Wow, your friend in the gym gave all of us some great advice. I'll do my best to remember it:))

I know that negative thoughts catch me more when I'm tired and my anxiety is sometimes related with low sugar levels. So I try to do something before that point comes. I'm trying to eat better, keep my sugar levels fine - sometimes one good carb. biscuit helps and I purposefully put a relaxing activity after a tired day, be that a long bath or meditation.  They help me.

Stay strong!