BPD mother

[khibomsis]

I am about to turn 53, had about ten years of therapy to cope with the effects of a BPD mother, feeling fine now but the situation is threatening to overwhelm me again. My enabling father is busy dying, my addict brother and his co-dependent wife who live with them have just about handed over responsibility for their three children to my younger brother and myself, and I have the youngest, 15, here with me. On the one hand I need to help the child, she did not ask to be born but the victim of having lived her entire life with the grandmother;s rages and the father's abuse. On the other I really really don't want to be co-dependent again. My spouse is also resenting the arrival of a difficult teenager in our peaceful lives. What should I do?

[Turkish]

Hi khimbomsis,



It sounds hard to have come through this side of healing from a dysfunctional parent, only to have been thrust back into the secondary effects from your mother with regard to his dysfunction. Even so, you came through it; your brother sounds like he is still battling demons. Its understandable to be triggered.

Have your brother and his wife unofficially abandoned their children, or are there government services involved? What's going on with your niece, specifically?

Turkish

[khibomsis]

Thanks Turkish for your reply! There are no government services involved, rich family with lots of influence so two psychiatrists, a counsellor and a teacher all fail to report that child is abused. Parents refuse to go into family counselling and instead have child put on legal drugs from which she is still detoxing. Even I myself did not know all and it has all been a shock to discover brother has apparently been beating two daughters and wife while drunk. Still dealing with that. Child has finally told me and she is out of situation, it is not a money problem but in essence it means after being happily very LC  I actually have to deal with these people. It is giving me heart palpitations just being around the toxicity. And I don't think it is right that they should be able to absolve themselves of responsibility. Example: child supposed to start new school on Monday. They have signed over guardianship to me and my brother but still haven't paid the fees or given me a list of things she needs or even  a contact e-mail so I  can deal with the school. Their responses to my queries is that surely she can start school later. No, I go, not good for her to stay out of school and fall behind from the start. Ja OK whatever, they go. Very much more of this and I will have to go back into counselling myself.     Because I can't escape the conclusion that they are enjoying the attention I have for years denied them. With my enabling father dying they are falling apart and are looking for a new enabler. I do not want that to be me. I appreciate you listening!

[Turkish]

If they've signed of responsibility for her (anandoned), and you signed, too, then you have full legal guardianship rights, no?

As angering as it might be that her parents have checked out of their childrens' lives, you now have control legally. I would go to the school with the appropriate legal papers and explain the situation. Connect with a school counseler. You need help. If the legal issues are made clear to cover you, then they will likely assist you. This is a huge responsibility, and you may be surprised at the resources out there which can help.

[khibomsis]

Thanks Turkish, your advice is very wise. I took the day off and did self-soothing, played with colours and form which always works for me. Even handled a phone call with my mom without losing it - for the child's sake  It is my sixth fostering, I have been doing this since 21, on and off. It is a helluva thing trying to bring a child right who;s been damaged, never had a child of the body but am pretty sure it is easier to do things right from the start. But I have made my peace with the fact that unless I hold it together I am no good for this child.   One of my fosters died of heroin abuse but the others are doing OK, all holding down jobs and not making other people's lives a living hell. I guess what was freaking me out was doubt about my ability to do this. At my age I don't have the energy I used to and was looking forward to having my own life for a change.  But you are right, I read your posts and can see that your  advice comes from a place of experience. So,  the situation is what it is and no amount of complaining on my side is going to change that. The school is a good school and has a social worker on the staff. And at least I have one functioning sibling. We shall look and see if there is an Al Anon for teenagers in the vicinity.

On another note, the story is now coming out in drips and drabs. It appears that she and sister ganged up one night and beat the crap out of my brother. When he sobered up he decided she would be better off in a school far, far away. Part of me finds it chilling and I tried my best to look severe but in the twisted world of BPD I was relieved that at least child retained some sense of agency... .

[khibomsis]

well, the plot is thickening. Child settled down at school, but brother and his wife are coming this next weekend. Not to see her, which I don't know is a good thing or a bad thing, but for business. She displays such terrible symptoms of anxiety when contacted by either of them and has stated outright that she doesn't want to speak to her father at all. Which we all agree with, if I speak to him for more than five minutes I get depressed and he never hit me. He is a thoroughly negative person. At the same time I imagine that foster child must be having issues with mom for failing to protect her from the abuse. Not to mention that co-dependent people  can be as emotionally selfish as they come. Still, it needs to up to her to choose or deny engagement. Feel the most important work I can do now is let her know that she has choices and is capable making wise ones. So dreading a the drama arriving when what fosterling needs is peace and quiet to get used to a new town and new school. She was brought up by uBPD grandmother too so can dysregulate with the best of them. Child does not even know this is not normal. At times like this I feel guilty about my adult ability to detach from the drama. Guess there is nothing I can do but to try be sympathetic and supportive without getting drawn in.

 

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Khibomsis, 

Glad you have come here and are sharing with us. You have a great responsibility taking on your niece. I am thankful for your willingness, although it is obviously a very difficult thing. It seems as you have a good deal of experience and a big heart to open to these wounded young ones that have been entrusted to your care. 

I've never been a foster parent, yet being the child of a uBPDm, my heart quickened at the anxiety you mentioned coming from your niece with the notice of her parents having contact with her, even if the planned visit isn't for seeing her.  How well I remember as a married 22 year old receiving notice of my mom coming to visit. The anxiety was terrible, including stomach pains that doubled me over. That was long long before I even knew there was such a thing as BPD or the dysfunction that surrounded me in those growing up years. I wish someone had given me permission to not have to see her. The feelings of obligation I had were stronger than my own physical distress.

I love your encouragement to her that she has choices.  Choices to not see or talk with her parents ever if that's what she needs. As she inches towards trusting you, and as you help her to keep safe and assure her she doesn't have to see them, it will go miles towards increasing her trust in you as a safe place. She doesn't even know what safe is, yet by default she'll know it is different and lean into you.

Wools

[khibomsis]

Thanks Wools for the encouragement! I feel incapable sometimes, what this child brings back to me is the grief and loss of realizing my mom was BPD. I found out in therapy as so many of us do, diagnosed by my therapist based on a description of her behaviour. That was five years ago and I found this site very helpful in knowing I was not alone.So I thought I was through the worst, having made my peace with the mother-love I never had and not even knowing what normal was. But one never really gets over it, does one? It is a strain trying to model for this child what I never knew myself, I doubt my own ability to show her the love she needs. But today after hitting rock bottom I said to myself 'well it's her loss'. My mother's behaviour deprives her of ever knowing the real me and I think I'm a nice person. I don't want to ever lose the gift of presence with my niece who underneath all the dysfunction is a sweetiepie.

[Woolspinner2000]

It is a tough journey, Khibomsis. But as I'm sure you know, it is rewarding as we begin to find peace and comfort through the T you and I have received as we find out that we are not the problem. I've been in T for 4 years now, so right behind you.

But one never really gets over it, does one? It is a strain trying to model for this child what I never knew myself, I doubt my own ability to show her the love she needs.

I find it rather ironic that I began T after my two oldest children had graduated from high school. That left one more nearly grown son at home. Initially I thought, "Why didn't I know about BPD sooner so that I could work on things when my kids were little?" However, here's the good news: I knew I didn't want to be like or parent like my uBPDm even before we started having children. I made a choice to parent differently, and I stuck with it. Not everyone sticks with such a decision, and we know that our parents also made their own choice to continue the abuse that many of them experienced in their own FOO.

Do you think that you also have made a similar choice in your own life, to be different than your BPDm? The great advantage you offer your niece is that you understand.  Such an ability to listen, grasp similar experiences, and offer consolation to her is beyond what the average person could do. As you have probably seen here on the BPD board, we are a community of people who can support one another because we understand.

You mentioned that you've been in T. Do you have opportunity to return so that you can find help and support for this current situation you find yourself in? It may help to ease your burden, to share it with another and find advice. I know it is one thing to go through T for oneself, and it's an entirely different matter to walk alongside someone else who needs help.

An extra hug for you today as you might need it! 

Wools

[khibomsis]

thanks Wools for the hug! One can never have too many of those. This week in fact I am taking my niece to the therapist I used to have. Thought it helps that T already knows the family history.I am out of therapy for three years, indeed I would have loved the extra  support right now but can't afford it. Though the FOO well off I in my teens took the decision to walk away from the family money in exchange for peace. Never regretted it.And after ten years of T I began to feel there is only so much one can do in therapy. Some things have gotta be solved in action if you see what I mean. Like the fact that my niece coming here makes it all too easy for us to slide into FOO behaviour. We trigger each other and she doesn't even know that it is insane. Not that we stand and rage or anything like that, just small things like the pressure to be perfect all the time (both scapegoat children) or a consistently negative outlook. So apart from being forced back into high contact with my FOO  I am needing to deal with a lot of stuff I thought I had left behind me. Example: child says 'I'm dyslexic'. I smile and say ' no big deal, your grandmother and father were both dyslexic and they got help. It's probably genetic How come they didn't get you into remedial already?' 'How come nobody ever told me? And  I didn't tell them' she goes. Why not? She thinks about this for a while.      'well they never listen to me anyway so I never got round to mentioning it'. Aaaargh. That kind of stuff makes me want to hit my head against the wall.  Because I know exactly what she means. I thought I was over it and now I realize that probably I will never be. Just built up a trigger free existence.

Today I said being better than my BPD mom doesn't mean much.My FOO set the bar pretty low. I could refrain from beating the crap out of my niece and still be a pretty mean person. I get it that I should respect myself and my younger  sibling for choosing a saner option. But happiness is another study altogether.   

So, focusing relentlessly on the positive, I got this board. A whole bunch of people who understand and yes, it makes a world of difference.

Your kids are lucky they have you.  Everything happens exactly when it is meant to happen, that is what I believe.Hugs right back!

[khibomsis]

oh, on another note, me and my younger brother have a pact of many years. Which is that it either of us begins to behave like uBPD mom the remaining sane one will shoot the other one. Because we don;t ever want our descendants to feel about us the way we feel about her. No doubling up in stomach pains here. I guess even if the good one can do is uncertain at least do no harm...

[khibomsis]

I guess I should update. So niece went to school and by day 4 had a meltdown. I am still not sure what happened only that her brother was asked to fetch her.So two therapy sessions and a suicidal ideation later, well, you guessed it, she has been diagnosed BPD. Has been hospitalized for three weeks just to stabilize her, the more we found out about the meds she was mixing the more horrified we got.  They run a DBT program as well. So we are doing everything we can, I am pleased to say the family rallied round and did tough love as one. It was good to know we can do that for this youngster. So now I guess I should start a new thread on the other board. It is a long road ahead.