I'm friends with my pwuBPD's ex husband.
He told me today that his daughter knows about her new boyfriend (who's she's only dated for 7 weeks).
They had an agreement that no new BF would meet her until 6 months of dating. They haven't met, but she knows all about him and his family, got a christmas gift from him, knows her mom went with him on a dancing cruise for new year's weekend, and that they are all going to get together at some skating party in the future (date not currently set but I would put good money it's in the next 2 months).
This is of great concern to him because this new guy lives a good distance away and he is afraid she will move out with him and he will be far from his daughter. I feel bad for him because this whole thing has seemed rushed from the start. I think he is in danger of anything really happening because she is so unpredictable.
Anyway, when I got this new information about what she has been up to with him, the adrenaline started pumping through me.
But I recognized not to get carried away with feeling and was able to relax and dump the shakes.
I then actually felt pretty good for a little while. I had been concerned that the replacement relationship was better for her and maybe it was just me but with the right person she would be stable, happy, and have a good relationship. Those nagging doubts that I'm sure a lot of people here can appreciate.
Well, after hearing how clearly rushed this whole thing is going, it was almost a form of validation for me that she is doing just the same thing again. I had predicted to another friend that she would get engaged by the end of March to this new guy. For a bit I started to wonder if I was all wrong. Now I'm wondering if it will be sooner.
But then I got home and started to think about the cruise she was on for new years. We wanted to go on a cruise but she couldn't make it work since she would have had to tell someone to watch her daughter and she didn't want the reason (our relationship) to be found out (for various reasons at the time, different reasons now looking back).
So it started to hurt. I wanted to be there and be part of that sweet drug.
I almost looked at her FB profile to get some information about what she has been up to with him. I'm glad I was prevented from doing it at the time.
That time has passed. I've returned to a someone peaceful and stable state right now and see how looking at the FB would not have been a good idea. I was really feeling good today before all this came down. Unfortunately it's a weird situation because my friend (the ex) has basically no one else he can talk to about this and I told him if something happened that affected his daughter he could talk to me about it, even if that risked me learning new information and being affected. I asked him to only tell me these things when it is serious. He was absolutely enraged about finding this out today (from his daughter no less) and I feel okay talking to him as a friend about it. As I said, I'm back to a relatively good place already.
So it's all somewhat confirming that it wasn't me, she is idealizing like crazy with the new guy, and that I should be glad I have been away from her without any attempted contact.
And also I am comforted that things appear to be changing. A month ago something like this would have put me out of commission for at least a couple days.
As it is, the peace I've been trying to establish has forcibly pushed away the darkness faster than I could have hoped. I don't feel amazing, but I don't feel in anguish, either.
I will try to remember that I shouldn't test myself by looking at her FB profile the moment I think I have withstood something that would have otherwise crippled me. There is still nothing to be gained by doing that, and in a way that's breaking NC and giving her some modicum of validation and power over me.
Clarity is a hell of a thing. I think It's starting to appear out of this deep fog.
Thank you all for reading this diatribe. Just getting things out on here is definitely one of the things that has helped me get to this place.
