Mother w/possible BPD losing house wants to move in. I need someone to talk with

[sotired73]

Mother w/possible BPD and then some... .has all traits of one from what I have researched. She is losing her home, can't keep a job, can't keep a relationship w/anyone for long... .psychotic outbursts, depression, anxiety, delusions, paranoia, abandonment issues, manipulative. She was very physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive my whole life. I was never of much importance to her except in between b/f's or husbands or to be an ear during a conflict w/someone else. I moved out at 16 but tried to salvage or maintain a relationship with her. It has been difficult and I found myself asking myself why I try. In the last few years she has taken to manipulating the family for "help" and by help I mean pay her bills (rent,energy,phone, everything). Her ex husband did it first for awhile, he passed away 3 yrs ago, then my brother/aunt/and myself on rotation until September. My brother had his fill, I bought a new home and can't afford it, aunt lost her job after 17 years. She (my mother) has not found employment... isn't really trying to... .and now she is losing her home. Too young to get social security, the state will not help as she is unemployed and now she wants to move in with me. I feel guilty but given her mental state I can not have her living in my home. I don't know what to do. I just need to talk I feel like a monster

[Turkish]

Hi sotired73,

I don't think you are a monster. It sounds like you wouldn't be safe in the same home with her.

I haven't yet dig deep into this site, but I saw it referred to several times on an AARP message board: www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare.NET/Public/Index.aspx

It was said that this is a tax payer funded organization which exists specifically to help the elderly. Someone said that they can even assign a case worker to evaluate a situation, maybe "putting your mother into the system," so to speak.

If you were to move her in with you, it may be that you would bear some legal responsibility towards her given that she is a senior. I'm still trying to find out if this is so since I just moved my mother in with me (who doesn't sound nearly as dysregulated or abusive as your mother).

My take is that your mother has been surrounded by people who have care-taking and doing things for her which she should have been doing for herself. It sounds like it has worked. Though not manipulative, my mom said this weekend,."I just don't want to deal with it," which is a physical and financial mess. That wasn't my fault, it was hers, due to her choices over the years.

Mental illnesses are certainly a factor, but we are all responsible for our choices. It may be very hard in your case due to the past, but you deserve to be safe, both physically and emotionally.



Turkish

[sotired73]

Thank you so much for the reply. She and my aunt have filed paperwork of some sort with AARP but have not received any response from anyone but, was also told it could be months for a reply on eligibility. Yes, she has had a series of care givers from her mother when she was alive (suicide was her cause of death) to boyfriends, husbands (3), my aunt, my brother, and myself. She has never been able to hold a job for long. I think her longest employment was maybe 3 years. She is a master at manipulation and guilt, threats (maybe I should just slit my wrist) but, to her that is not a suicide threat, she wouldn't do that, her mother did that (suicide). We have begged her to see someone over the years but, she has all of the reasons she couldn't or wouldn't... .there isn't anything wrong with her, she doesn't have insurance, she doesn't know where to go, she has an appointment, she missed the appointment, she's busy looking for work... .you name it. She also has many things working against her at this point... .a police record for violence, her age, her poor work history, and an education resulting in a 25 yr old associates degree in business... .that coupled with her illness or as a result of her illness going unchecked for so long... .she may very well be unemployable. We're in Michigan, it's the height of winter and she has 7 days to vacate the home and no one who is willing to take her in. She lives in a poverty stricken area and the shelters are full all winter. Her foodstamp DHS case worker said they can not help her with her eviction as she is not physically disabled, employed, or have dependents. She can not draw SS because she is not physically disabled and she is 61 not 62. The only thing she has going for her is that her modular home is paid for and the park she lives in might buy it from her and she would walk away with 5k after clearing her debt with them. Who will rent to her with an eviction and no employment? This is what keeps me up at night. This causes arguments between family members... .you have to help her, no you, no you... .well, she can't be on the street! All the while she's at home smoking cigarettes playing on facebook... .which feeds her delusions (she's an author because she blogs) and who does she write about... .us... .and not in a very flattering light. Anyway, having someone to talk to who knows these personality types helps. To my friends she is just a nice old lady and they don't understand how I can "abandon" my mother. I'm not abandoning her, I just can't move her in. I'm doing everything I can within reason and more.

[Eyeamme]

I have no advice but I just want to say you sound like a wonderful daughter to care so much. You are entitled to your own life. As a mom I am giving you permission to take care of yourself first. I know the guilt thing from years of it. It gets you nowhere.

[Notwendy]

Me too. I would not be too concerned with what your friends or other family members say or think. They may not have a clue what is going on in your situation.

I have a friends who have wonderful relationships with their mothers. They are right there to help them as they get older. This is a relationship I wish I had, but I don't. I don't think they could really understand.

When I visit my mother, her friends tell me how wonderful she is. I suspect they think I am a terrible daughter for not spending more time with her, but they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in our house.

Over the years, I have met elderly people whose children don't seem to be around. I have wondered if the children were selfish, but now, I don't think that. They could be selfish children, but on the other hand, this "sweet elderly woman" may have abused them.

Nobody else really knows your situation, and you have the right to protect yourself.

[sotired73]

I have no advice but I just want to say you sound like a wonderful daughter to care so much. You are entitled to your own life. As a mom I am giving you permission to take care of yourself first. I know the guilt thing from years of it. It gets you nowhere.

Thank you! I don't think anyone has ever said that to me. I do care, very much or I wouldn't be here, still trying.

[sotired73]

Me too. I would not be too concerned with what your friends or other family members say or think. They may not have a clue what is going on in your situation.

I have a friends who have wonderful relationships with their mothers. They are right there to help them as they get older. This is a relationship I wish I had, but I don't. I don't think they could really understand.

When I visit my mother, her friends tell me how wonderful she is. I suspect they think I am a terrible daughter for not spending more time with her, but they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors in our house.

Over the years, I have met elderly people whose children don't seem to be around. I have wondered if the children were selfish, but now, I don't think that. They could be selfish children, but on the other hand, this "sweet elderly woman" may have abused them.

Nobody else really knows your situation, and you have the right to protect yourself.

I am not concerned with what they think. I understand that they do not understand. My battle is with myself... .finding the strength to set boundaries and stick to them. So far, my first attempt has been a flop. I told her yesterday I would not be available to her today. I told her I need a day for self care... .but, I forgot the bubble wrap yesterday when I brought her moving boxes... .and she needs the bubble wrap to pack her glass. Do I know she could pack other things, yes. Will she, no. It's the bubble wrap holding her back and that I forgot it so, I am holding her back. So, I tell her she can come here to get the bubble wrap... .big deal, in and out right? Here I sit, she was supposed to be here half an hour ago. I called, she hasn't even left yet and is putting "stuff" in her car to drop bring for storage because she might as well since she's coming here anyway. I feel my frustration building... .

[seekinglight]

You are understandably conflicted.

I want to stress that if you do take your mom in for any length of time you will for sure be held responsible for her. To remove her would require an eviction, and she could claim elder abuse. Rough to think about but the liability is overwhelming.

She will not change, you cannot fill up the bottomless needs in her life and emotions. She will use you up and leave you for another person when you are depleted.

So sorry to be so blunt but please do not think now will be any different from all the other encounters with your mom. She has shown you who she is, believe her.

[sotired73]

You are understandably conflicted.

I want to stress that if you do take your mom in for any length of time you will for sure be held responsible for her. To remove her would require an eviction, and she could claim elder abuse. Rough to think about but the liability is overwhelming.

She will not change, you cannot fill up the bottomless needs in her life and emotions. She will use you up and leave you for another person when you are depleted.

So sorry to be so blunt but please do not think now will be any different from all the other encounters with your mom. She has shown you who she is, believe her.

I will not take her in, even for a night, as I do know without a doubt that it would take an eviction to get her out. I have agreed to store some of her things in my garage. I will not even store them in my home and had her sign a paper stating she understands she can not and does not reside here, for my protection.

We had an altercation this morning while I was there mediating a sale of her dining set to get some more money in her pocket. I had asked her again for information about a therapist she said she was seeing for the last couple of weeks. Her response was why do I want to know. My response was that I have difficulty believing her sometimes and simply wanted to know his name. She freaked out, started swearing and yelling at me... "don't call me a liar!" She got in her purse and retrieved a business card and handed it to me. I saw a written name on it "Steve" nothing else before she told me to give her sh*t back and proceeded to claw it from my hand. I let her know I will not tolerate anyone putting their hands on me, that I am done, that she needs to take the money from the sale and get a moving truck and storage unit for the rest of her things... .and I wished her good luck. Within 30 minutes she called and said she has reserved a truck and storage unit with the money from the sale. It is the most effort she has made in all of this. The park has agreed to purchase her modular but, she has to be out before they will issue a check. It will take 7-10 days for that to clear so, there will be a period of time that she will in fact be completely broke and homeless. Obviously this causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety and sadness despite knowing there is nothing I can do about it.

I appreciate advice, support, bluntness. The suggested reading on this site has been helpful. It's all helpful and I am learning new things every day. Thank you all.

[Panda39]

Hi sotired73,

I come at BPD from another angle my SO (significant other) has a uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) but I wanted to share something with you.

My SO's ex was being evicted and he was concerned too. (they have 2 daughters)  His mom told him "she is like a cat she always lands on her feet".  She was so right the ex has been evicted 3 times, couch surfed at friend's houses, and lived in hotels in the last 5 years.  She however has never been on the street "homeless".

Hang in there and take care of you 

Panda39

[sotired73]

Hi sotired73,

I come at BPD from another angle my SO (significant other) has a uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) but I wanted to share something with you.

My SO's ex was being evicted and he was concerned too. (they have 2 daughters)  His mom told him "she is like a cat she always lands on her feet".  She was so right the ex has been evicted 3 times, couch surfed at friend's houses, and lived in hotels in the last 5 years.  She however has never been on the street "homeless".

Hang in there and take care of you 

Panda39

My mom doesn't have any friends any more. It's too bad... .she does have a kind heart that can be seen occasionally, she can be really funny, she is a talented artist and writer. There are times I look at her and see this woman, who if she had proper nurturing, proper care, proper support early on... .she really could have been something to admire. I see this broken child in her that just wants to be loved and taken care of and it makes me cry.

Then there's this other side... .and it's so dark, bitter, resentful, sadistic, full of rage and no love or light can get to it. It swallows up love and light into this black hole. Being in it's presence is terrifying... her voice changes and her face distorts and the only thing I can compare it to is demonic possession from horror movies.

You want to help, you want to fix it... .I do I mean but, I can't fix it. I also want to run from it, hide from it, avoid it... her and all of the crisis. Struggling.

[Please help]

If I was in contact with my mother, I would be in your exact situation. You have to maintain a bit of self preservation.