New to site, how do I deal with MIL undiagnosed BPL behaviors?

[christine8989]

Hello everyone this is my first post and I'm glad to have found this board because I think it will help.

I've recently gone back into counseling to deal with my own stressors and depression. One of those main stressors is my mother in law (MIL) and her emotional abuse. My husband and I married about 6 months ago and have been together four years total. The good thing is our relationship is strong and my husband and his siblings brother and sister recognize her behaviors. They grew-up in a home with a lot of neglect, emotional and physical abuse as well as substance abuse by parents.

My question is how do you handle people with BPD? Fortunately for myself I grew-up in a stable home which was nothing like my husband's. But, this also means I have a much more difficult time dealing with her behaviors.

Here are examples of how she has treated my husband in the past and things she has said to him:

— While on the phone asking for money from my husband (then boyfriend at the time) "You owe us this money. We did all these nice things for you as a kid. You owe us this" His parents have come to him multiple times for money. I don't know if they pay him back and each time they ask there is emotional blackmail.

— When visiting our first home (two days after we moved in) we were trying to find a movie on our streaming device to watch. She kept picking the movies that cost money. My husband asked her if she could pick one of the free movies, as we were broke from just buying our first home. Her reaction was: "Well we're broke because of your wedding."

(We paid for our wedding. His parents offered to pay for the rehearsal dinner. So to be mindful all we did was order pizza).

— When my husband didn't return her voicemail after only 2 days she called again. She left another voicemail saying "I know you hate me. But I love you."

After this ^^^^ phone call my husband hit his breaking point. He had a breakdown and told me all these things from his childhood I never heard before. He didn't want to speak to her and deleted her off his Facebook. Since then things haven't gone well. How do you handle these situations. How do you protect yourself from the abuse? Set boundaries?

**Another thing I would like to ask. Does anyone else notice BPD mothers pit one child against another. In my husband's family my husband is treated poorly called an ass, is used for money and deals without a lot of abuse. His brother (who is 26 and works full-time) receives monetary support from their parents, is often revered as the sweet, nice son and isn't the target of the abuse as often.

Any help, advice would be wonderful.

Thank you.

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[Turkish]

Hi christine8989,

It certainly must be shocking to see such disordered behavior, especially if you came from a healthy family dynamic. To answer your question: pwBPD (people with BPD) can certainly engage in splitting different children black or white, depending upon how the parent needs his or her emotional (or physical) needs met at the time.

The reality, however, is that you and your husband are a primary family now, just bought a home, and deserve peace and stability. Stating that verbatim to her would likely trigger dysregulation or rage. She sounds like she has Queen traits, entitled. See here for more:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

The SET tool is good for reducing conflict as it incorporates validation, however short:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Boundaries disscussion: 

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

We have a lot more material which is helpful, but take a look at these to start and tell me what you think.



Turkish

[P.F.Change]

Hi, christine8989, and

I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been having with your mother-in-law. My mother has BPD, so I understand. I'm glad you've decided to join us here, and hope you will find the forum helpful. It is good that you are looking after yourself by seeking some professional support as well.

Yes, having a good sense of our boundaries is really key. The tools Turkish shared with you are good ones to start with. S.E.T. is an especially useful tool when communicating boundaries.

To answer your second question, yes, Splitting and Triangulation are both common behaviors in BPD. One child may be seen as an all-good golden child, while another may be an all-bad scapegoat. From moment to moment, a parent with BPD may also change which child is seen in which way. It can be very confusing for the children and sets up some unhealthy patterns long-term.

You mention things haven't been going well since your husband stopped contact with his mother. What kinds of things have been going on? Has he considered talking with a therapist also?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[christine8989]

Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I'm already finding everything here helpful.

After the last voicemail (when my husband broke down) the whole family still met for Christmas. We decided to meet at a restaurant. During the dinner my he was sitting at a different part of the table and his Mom sat near him. At this point she didn't know he deleted her off Facebook and that he didn't want to talk with her. He just cut off communication.

During the dinner I mostly spoke and interacted with my SIL and young niece. What I could tell is that his Mother was antagonizing my husband during dinner here is some of what happened:

— She brought a can of whipped cream (to a restaurant) offered some to everyone at the beginning of dinner. We all turned her down and when my he asked why she brought a can of whipped cream to dinner she said angerly "I guess none of you like to have fun." And threw her purse on the ground and sulked.

— She took ice out his water without asking with her dirty fork and grossed him out.

— She kept poking him with a fork and wouldn't leave him alone even after he asked stop.

Then when she talked to him about a sensitive subject (I missed this interaction) he said something harsh. She got angry and left. I could tell she was upset and asked my him what was wrong then out of nowhere his brother got mad at us and said. "She already knows you talk ___ about her. That's not why she got mad."

About a week later she found out my husband defriended her on Facebook (he did so because she commented on everything, and was writing inappropriate, embarrassing stuff).  So his father called him at work and asked why because she was furious.

I guess what I'm most upset about is that his brother lashed out at us. Especially since he is the one who hasn't been dealing with the abuse like my husband. For the most part the siblings band together against the behaviors of the parents. So I don't know where that anger came from.

Sorry for the long post. It just feels good to talk to people who understand what we're going through. Also my husband and his brother have never had counseling. He has started things like meditation and is good at letting things roll off his shoulders. His sister has been in therapy on and off for years. 

[Pilate]

 christine8989

Your posts have really resonated with me. Our situations are a bit different, but your description of feeling confused by the very different dynamics of your DH's family is similar to my own experience in many ways. Throughout our dating relationship and early in our marriage, my DH could not believe how different my family's interactions were compared to his experiences. For years, he kept waiting for our masks to fall off and for true colors to show. It took him many years to realize we weren't wearing masks. We have our own issues, to be sure, but we try to be honest about acknowledging it and trying to do work to improve as we can.

My dh has a mom who is very NNNNNN (narcissistic) and a sister who appears to be uBPD. My MIL, however, is very entitled, dramatic, and passive aggressive in some of the ways you describe. I started therapy a few years ago for anxiety, and my DH's family was part of my anxiety. My DH, however, is not so much the scapegoat--he is a bit more of a golden child, but he deals with emotional blackmail, passive aggressiveness, waifyness, and resentment, too--not just from his mom but other family members, too.

Have you read anything about family systems or discussed systems theory in T (therapy)? This might be one explanation for your brother-in-law's misplaced anger. Your DH has started to change his role in the family system--limiting contact, defriending on FB. An article on this forum describes family systems like a baby's toy mobile. If you hit the mobile, all the items on the mobile jangle and bob around until the mobile goes back to its original position/equilibrium. A similar thing happens in family/work/personal relationships when one member chooses to behave differently or leave the system. It makes everyone else in the system have to change, but what many people want is for things to be the same--even if it's not healthy. Your brother-in-law (probably unconsciously) wants your DH to go back to his original behaviors--taking abuse/being a scapegoat--because your brother-in-law is probably getting new behaviors from his mom and dad that he doesn't like.

I think the books Extraordinary Relationships and Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families do a good job of explaining how the mental illness or addiction of one member of a family is only part of the family system. The mental illness or addiction of one member is one part of a dysfunctional system if members of the family system aren't actively engaged in personal work to cope in healthy ways.

One of the gifts I got from my T was the following observation when I was wondering what it was about me that drew my DH to me that reminded him of his family--we usually pick people who are similar to those we grew up with. My T said, "Sometimes, we pick people who are unlike us because somewhere inside we realize that we want something different--we want to be a part of a different system. Perhaps your DH chose you because you WERE different and provided a different way of being and interacting with the world." From what you describe, I wonder if the same idea is true for your DH and you.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really empathize with the situation you are in. Another item to remember is that it will be uncomfortable to practice values-based boundaries--the discomfort is okay and normal. I am uncomfortable if I don't set my boundaries, either, so I choose to be uncomfortable with boundaries in place.

Pilate