Morning tantrums

[wundress]

I'm so sick of mornings with my wife. This morning it was cold and frosty outside and she said she wished we could stay snuggled in our bed all day.

Within 15mins she had gone from saying that to snapping and snarling at me and our daughter for no apparent reason. Our daughter is very anxious at the moment and this kind of behaviour is pretty harmful to her.

I asked my wife what was wrong and why was she snappy and she was really rude and shouted at me. She shosted "tell me how I'm being snappy" so I just looked at her with "the look". So she shouted at me and stormed off to work leaving me feeling rubbish.

It happens most mornings. How can I manage this because her bad mood puts me and our daughter in a bad mood and I don't want our daughter to go to school feeling badly.

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[Chansen]

I hear you. It is hard when the first emotions of the day are so negative especially when you have a child. I had a similar situation this morning, she complained about everything she could find that was "messy" about our apartment, despite my best efforts to organise everything the night before... .a few dishes in the sink, a pair pants on a chair and a few toys that our daughter played with THAT MORNING... .I slowly discussed each instance and tried to show her that I cared, however she insisted in calling everything a very inappropriate mess that is not normal at all. I am "messier" than most people I admit, but from what I am making up is light years ahead of what I would consider clean. I don't know what it is with mornings... .she woke up very cheerful and happy like your wife did and suddenly a few things turns her to a monster and our daughter escapes to the other room because she is scared of mom shouting at dad because of few dishes in the sink (several of which were from BREAKFAST!).

Does this kind of behaviour happen to you at night as well? Lately it seems that I should avoid talking with her after 8pm. Last night she vented on me for all are life's problems in the midst of a very pleasant neutral conversation.

You can't control her initial reactions in the mornings unfortunately, but you can stop it from getting worse. I have found that avoiding, "the look" and other seemingly, even vaguely sarcastic gestures or comments helps avoid making things worse. Although our wife's are completely out of line when they are acting like this, they deserve our respect as we should as well. I know it is seemingly impossible at times, but giving her "the look" makes her feel attacked rather than understood and using the word "snappy" makes her feel the same way. Maybe ask, "I can see you are feeling upset, is there anything I can do to help you?". She might continue to be the same way, but withholding from pointing your finger at her at least doesn't push her farther. You are the hero here as you are able to control your emotions. You have power and are strong when you begin to talk kindly to her. It is not surrender, in fact, you win every time you do no matter how she reacts. Pushing her further only makes it more difficult for you and your daughter.

This morning I did try this and typically when she is like this I would respond similarly as you did and the whole day would be destroyed, however I simply stayed patient and listened... .sometimes silent, but showing her I was attentive. I anticipated her being as upset when I returned an hour later, but she seemed more relatable which isn't usual considering how other mornings have gone.

Does that help at all? I am learning my way through this too... .it is very hard.

[wundress]

Thanks that does help.

Yes in evenings she is dreadful too so I guess it is linked to tiredness and hormones. Last night was particularly bad as she was having a "manic" episode. I knew this morning would be bad as the mania is always followed by her being very irritable.  She also has the attention span of a flea so talking about anything is very difficult.

Sometimes controlling my own emotions is very difficult as I feel like giving up on her at times. I keep questioning why I stay with her when life can be so difficult with her.

I did at least get an apology today by message after a couple of hours.

[Chansen]

It is tough to keep yourself calm in those moments, I totally understand. I have lost it many times and things have gone really out of control. Stick with it though, there is hope and things can get better. The first step is to stop looking at her and looking into yourself. You are the only one you can control and she is almost impossible to reason with. Once I started looking into how I can improve myself and let go of her, I found a lot of strength and hope and saw results... .much less intense reactions on her part for sure.

Have you thought about therapy for yourself to deal with the stress? Have you talked to your wife about BPD and recommended DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy) for example?

Stay strong, you can lead your family out of this mess. You can do it, it is possible.

[wundress]

Thanks. I have counselling and we have couples counselling as well. We've both been referred to anger management services too. There is a good Dbt website that my wife is going to have a look at but she's not keen on the mindfulness aspect.

[Chansen]

What is the DBT website she uses?

[wundress]

It's dbtselfhelp.com  I think elements of the website are being updated as some of the site is down at the moment. I've used it before and it is quite good

[Notwendy]

If this is frequent with mornings, one thing I wonder about is hormones. Our stress hormones are higher in the morning to wake us up. Most people wouldn't notice this. Perhaps if she tends to be stressed anyway, she feels these. I wonder also if she is not a morning person and needs her coffee or breakfast to get started on the day.

If this is her particular cycle, then maybe it is good to have an agreement not to talk until both of you are awake and had breakfast. She may start on this anyway, but if you two can discuss this later in the day when she is calmer in a non-critical or blaming way, you can remind her, and if she persists, take the child out of the room to play or eat, while your wife tries to calm down. If she's really out of sorts, bring her some coffee and a granola bar and then say "see you downstairs in a few minutes".

I'm sure there are other creative solutions, but mornings may be a rough time for her.

[Chilibean13]

Mornings are very explosive for us too. My H gets anxious thinking about all the things he has to do for the day, which leads to him feeling tense, which leads to him taking everything I say very personal. When we fight it is almost always in the morning. I love it when he sleeps in because I can get ready for work and get out the door without an issue.

The thing I've found that works best is in the morning I let him talk and I just go about doing what I need to do. I don't try to engage in conversation about anything controversial. As long as it isn't critical, I agree wtih him on most everything just to keep the peace (usually it's minor things that he gets worked up over in the AM).

[babyducks]

I would suggest SET.   Support, Empathy, Truth statements.    Very brief and very mild.    When she is more regulated,  which may take a while to happen, then perhaps suggest an either or idea to streamline the morning routine.

[formflier]

  Mornings are typically more problematic for my wife than evenings.  I've wondered about hormones and such.  My current best guess is that she may have a bad dream, or wake up early and obsess over something.  Then when we are both awake she has to "let it out".  It's much better since I don't engage with her on it.  I offer some brief support and then leave her to her own devices.  This morning we were on the couch and I was eating some fruit.  She chose to put on TV and was talking to me about some of the teachers at the school she works at.  Pretty much all about what they think about her, generally negative.  To me, it didn't seem all that serious, I was distracted by TV, as was she.  I figured that us being together was a good thing.  At some point she used her current favorite phrase "I've got to be honest, " (hold on, some horror is on the way when that comes out)  "Talking to you is like talking to a rock"  I didn't react  "You probably don't even care"  (I actually took this as a good thing, because she didn't sound very sure.  Hard to explain but it didn't "sound like" an accusation.)  I validated the frustration with her work scene.  I let her know that I care but was trying to be a good listener as I put my hand on her.  Focused on being still.  After a long pause I asked her if she would like advice or a suggestion.  Another long pause.  I gave some tips that came to mind and then hushed.    Back to the point of the thread:  Whatever you can do to let them sort out their own morning routine is good.  I would also stay away from asking what is wrong.  That's a bit of a leading (suggestive) question.  "How are you feeling?" is a bit more open and just might produce a validation target.  

FF

[wundress]

Thanks. I try really hard at validation but to be honest my patience is wearing very thin at the moment. There always seems to be something negative.  She is constantly snapping at me and my daughter and I frequently find myself wishing she would just go away. I've even questioned my love for her.

Sounds really horrible and unkind but I've had a guts full over the past 7 months. I've been blamed, accused, called names etc by her, her family and friends.

In the mornings I don't have time to be worrying about her as well as our daughter. We have to be up and ready to put our daughter on the bus by 8am.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Wundress,  morning tantrums are very difficult that is certain!  My uBPDh has always been a bear in the morning (and most of the rest of the day ). One of the problems, and i would be interested to know if anyone else's SO has this issue, although he does not know what he wants for breakfast, he expects me to come up with something he would like.  If I don't get it right (mind reading) he is angry.  Throws a fit and all the while yelling how he is not angry.

Whenever I ask my husband "what's wrong?" or "why are you upset?" or "why are you mad?"

It engages him in an argument.  I think this is the behavior you are talking about when she asks, "How am I being snappy?" In these cases, I have begun to excuse myself from the situation for a bit. Something like - Boy, I better jump in the shower. Or change the subject - I will make a totally unrelated nonconfrontational  statement.   Like  - hey I can't believe we have had such a warm winter.  It seems to take some of the wind out of the conflict.

Since I discovered how my codependent traits have enabled this behavior, I have been able to detach from these episodes and things have gotten better. Before, I would get nervous and try to figure out what to get for him.  I would end up feeling so frustrated and confused.

Recently,  I have refused to guess at what he wants.  When he can come up with a suitable breakfast (and sometimes other meals) option for himself then I would have it available at home.

Sharing this helps me to see how ridiculous it is for a healthy, intelligent, grown person to hold another responsible for this need.  I don't hold him responsible for my meals.

Of course, we are a couple, and part of a family, and everyone needs to eat.  I don't mind grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning up, etc.  but ultimately, all capable adults are responsible for themselves.


I agree with Chansen.  Looking at myself and figuring out what i need to do instead of reacting has made some positive improvement.  

I have discovered if I just give him some space and time things blow over quickly.  Proof that his emotions quickly change.  Giving the space and time when faced with a seemingly day ruining episode has been difficult for me because I wanted immediate resolution to the problem.  I wanted to hash it out until we reached agreement.  This never worked for us.  I have learned to be more patient for resolution and it usually happens.

There is another thing that I have learned that may be helpful to you.  Once the episode blew over, I have had to let it go.  My ego wants to bring it up and try to prove i was right. This is something I have learned about myself.  Most of these little duat ups are not really worth hashing out later.  If things turn around and begin to go well, i resolve to go with it.  This has not been an easly lesson - not something that has come naturally.  But, leads to more peace for us both.

None of this is easy.  Especially with a young child.  Wishing you peace and joy.

[globalnomad]

In my case it is morning and evening. The 30 minutes before I leave for work and the 30 minutes after I return are the danger zone

I would guess at least half of our biggest fights in the past have occurred in that period. The biggest trigger seems to be that I can be somewhat distracted in these periods. Either I am rushing to get ready for work in the mornings, or I am still trying to unwind after a long and stressful day in the office. Often she will suddenly decide in these times she suddenly wants to discuss major issues like where we are going to live next year, why we are still not married, and so on. It's a recipe for disaster unless I handle it very carefully.