Hello from New Hampshire (North of Boston)

[TylerDMass]

Hi all.

My gf, who I absolutely adore is a BP.  She is in complete denial and her behavior causes problems for herself, her children, and all of her family and friends who rescue her.  Are there support groups around Portsmouth NH that anyone on here knows about?

She completely denies having BPD, and absolutely will not take part in a conversation about her emotional pain or any other issue related to BPD.  I try to refer to this as an issue with her serotonin levels, so that it completely removes any responsibility or blame... .at least to me.  She is very well read, and I assume that she is very famiar with BPD writings, as, when raging, she refers to herself as "a black hole of nothingness:" and she tells me how she wants to injure herself and that only suicide would help.  She does assure me that she would NEVER attempt suicide, but she mentions it, nonetheless.  Also, she tells me of her fears of getting too close to me, and becoming enmeshed with my "self" and therefore losing her "self".  I cannot imagine that she knows all of these buzzwords if she is completely unread and ignorant of BPD writings.   Last, she tells me that she practices mindfulness other self help therapies.

ideas? for myself, I need to know that she is working toward getting better.

And advice from anyone would be great!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Welcome!

I'm sorry that I'm not familiar with support in the NH/North-of-Boston area. My aunt lives around there, and she is religious so her self-help groups are centered around "the Church" (Roman Catholic).

How long have you been with your girlfriend? Although her vocabulary sounds BPD-ish, if she reads a lot of literature she might hit upon these phrases from novels, poetry, songs, etc. If they resonate for her, she would pick them up.

It's nice that you are trying to be supportive without forcing the label on her. If she does have BPD, she may not ever accept it. My uBPDh is in complete denial. He blames all dysregulations on behaviors of mine or my kids. I have learned to "radically accept" this. When I talk about it with him directly, it makes him worse. Whenever he mentions suicide or wanting to hurt himself, I always respond with a variation of "I really wish you would call a counselor—want me to look one up?" He has a brother who killed himself a few years ago.

Threats of suicide or self-harm are always to be taken seriously, but without the BPD label if the person does not accept it.

[teapay]

Yes, NAMI is pretty strong in NH and I believe there is a support group in Portsmouth.  Check it out on the website.  There is probably a NAMI Family to Family course starting somewhere near there this Spring.  NEPDA is in Boston and has close ties with McClean.  Unfortunately, most folks in these groups are parents of adult child with MI.  Far fewer folks with partners.  Still, it is something.

[babyducks]

Hi Tyler

and  

a couple of thoughts for you to consider.   First what you describe is very very normal.   Many people who suffer from various mental illness deny having a problem.   There are a lot of complicated and complex reasons for this so let me see if I can sum them up.

Having a mental illness is not like having a broken leg where you go to the doctor, there is a clear cut diagnostic process, an accepted treatment plan and general sympathy from the community.   Quite frequently when we as partners or family learn of a suspected mental illness we think Ah-HA this is it, here comes help.    It doesn't look or feel that way to the sufferer.   What it looks like to them is an abyss of life long defective stigmatization.   And even within people who are not neuro typical, pwBPD (people with Borderline Personality Disorder) are ostracized.   Geographically I am not that far from you and there is a real reluctance for mental health professionals in my community to 1) accept BPD patients  and/or 2) use the label.

Professionals do not recommend that you tell your loved one that you suspect they have BPD.   It can often incite defensiveness and make it more difficult to have productive conversations.   What is suggested instead is that you concentrate on feelings and symptoms.   'I notice you have been feeling sad lately.'   Or like SweetCharlotte mentioned 'I get concerned when you talk about suicide, I really wish you would call a counselor.'

There is a real trick to having these types of conversations so you are seen as an ally not an adversary.   Ways to build trust and reinforce good decisions.   

You can read more here if you are interested:

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

'ducks

[TylerDMass]

Thanks for the above comments. I will look into what NAMI has in NH.  I happened to mention all this to a friend who HAPPENED to be on a state board of directors for NAMI... .and who is very knowledgable about BPD... .little did I know!

she has been helpful, but not helpful with suggestions for finding out whether my gf is in counselling.

since my first post, I have found out that she has been diagnosed bipolar and with ADHD.  I am not sure if this is because the therapist is not willing to write BPD in her chart, or if the therapist knows, but is not telling.

the holidays were of course very tough for her/us.

[babyducks]

Nice to have you back with us Tyler.

since my first post, I have found out that she has been diagnosed bipolar and with ADHD.  I am not sure if this is because the therapist is not willing to write BPD in her chart, or if the therapist knows, but is not telling.

No way to really know for sure.  It some places the protocol is when the Bipolar is well control by medication and the ADHD is well control by medication what is 'left' is BPD. 

In what way were the holidays tough?   Want to say more about that?

'ducks

[TylerDMass]

Nice to have you back with us Tyler.

since my first post, I have found out that she has been diagnosed bipolar and with ADHD.  I am not sure if this is because the therapist is not willing to write BPD in her chart, or if the therapist knows, but is not telling.

No way to really know for sure.  It some places the protocol is when the Bipolar is well control by medication and the ADHD is well control by medication what is 'left' is BPD. 

In what way were the holidays tough?   Want to say more about that?

'ducks

Yeah, the holidays were tough for a few reasons.

She had a friend tell her that he wanted nothing more to do with her... .because she is too clingy, needy, always hinting for gifts, dinners, etc.

Next came the family get togethers.  She was recently laid off from her job (of course everything in her eyes is everyone else's fault.  I cannot comment on what really happened, but she is out of work.  She had to deal with her family at the get togethers and she tried not to talk about her work situation.  Her parents and family are willing to help financially, but she says that when they help they always do so with strings attached.  (I can understand that her parents tell her that if they are going to pay her rent and cell phone bills, that she cannot then go out to dinner all the time and buy the most expensive treats whenever she wants.).

Then there were the other comments that family members made about this food or that food and she always took the comments as attacks on her and her children whenever the children decided not to eat what was offered  (they are vegetarians/vegans and while they do not mind that there is little that they can eat at the get togethers, it is tough to hear everything that is wrong with their personal choices from the grandparents, the cousins and the older aunts and uncles.

what more... .well, as I said above, she and I became very close over the holidays, shopping together and opening gifts together... .and while I thought this was wonderful, she found it stifling and she needs distance.