Parenting as a trauma survivor

[Finding Courage]

This is something I am struggling with.  Daughter she 3, supportive spouse.  Bpd, emotional incest mom.  Ptsd full force since my daughter's birth.  Do others here struggle with parenting in the face of traumatic childhoods?

[daughterandmom]

Yes. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It's hard. I have four kids, and it was especially difficult when they were small. Can you talk a bit more about how you are managing? Do you have a therapist?

Take care 

[unicorn2014]

This is something I am struggling with.  Daughter she 3, supportive spouse.  Bpd, emotional incest mom.  Ptsd full force since my daughter's birth.  Do others here struggle with parenting in the face of traumatic childhoods?

Yes. D15, ex husband is a substance abuser with untreated bipolar disorder and sociopathic traits, I was diagnosed with PTSD after my divorce.

For help in addition to this board I call a parental stress line on a regular basis and am doing DBT this year to help me with parenting. I also attend an Al-Anon meeting for parents to help me deal with my d15 substance abuse issues.

[Ziggiddy]

Absolutely, FindingCourage

Childbirth is the single most triggering event I have ever had. in fact it led directly to the discovery of the scope of my mothers BPD/NPD.

I am not sure if you are familiar with Pete Walker's work on coping with flashbacks but it is exceptional. Particularly emotional flashback which are much much harder to define when they are happening.

Can you detail a little more what is happening to you?  If it is CPTSD there are therapeutic alternatives to treating that. Conventional PTSD therapies can make things worse.

Even without a diagnosis there are many things you can do to ease your symptoms and help you cope. If you can expand a little on what you are going through it may be easier to tailor information to your needs.

All the best

Ziggiddy

[unicorn2014]

Absolutely, FindingCourage

Childbirth is the single most triggering event I have ever had. in fact it led directly to the discovery of the scope of my mothers BPD/NPD.

I am not sure if you are familiar with Pete Walker's work on coping with flashbacks but it is exceptional. Particularly emotional flashback which are much much harder to define when they are happening.

I had cPTSD and am not familiar with his work. Thank you for pointing this out.

[daughterandmom]

Ziggiddy are you referring to the actual childbirth experience, or that was the beginning of the triggering event that included raising a child? When I had my first child I remember feeling so alienated from other mothers when discussing the birth experience. I felt really traumatized, and questioned whether I had possibly dipped into less than sanity during the birth. When I talked to other mothers I immediately sensed that this was not their experience at all, so I never really go to talk about it with anyone. Now, so many years later I realize that I disassociated during a lot of it which makes sense now that I understand more about myself and my coping skills. My children also triggered me, but this part was different. Does this relate to your experience at all?

[Ziggiddy]

Unicorn,

I am glad you are looking into that. Pete Walker is an exceptionally good traumatologist and incredibly compassionate in his writings. Reading The Tao of Fully Feeling was an absolute turning point for me. I really began to understand myself as coming from an abusive background - something I had never imagined before, thinking it was all quite normal.

He discusses PTSD v CPTSD having suffered from both as a Vietnam veteran as well as a childhood abuse survivor.

His management techniques for dealing with the inner critic were especially helpful, helping me separate my parents' criticism from my own. i am much much healthier as a result.

daughterandmom,

It's a good question you ask there. It made me think hard.

I had a termination of my first pregnancy based mostly on the trauma of watching my BPDm give birth to my sister at age 12. I think that wounded me deeply as the natural childbirth process was fully turned around to her BPD symptoms. Childbirth should be all about mother and baby but ... .well in that case it wasn't.

Did that put me into CPTSD symptoms? i am not sure. It certainly had a massive impact on my views of childbirth. I didn't want to have kids mainly because I thought the birth process would shatter me as fully as it seemed to, her.

I had nightmares for weeks that I would lose my sister and become responsible for her death.

this was complicated by the fact that she was moved into my room at 3 days old and continued there for months. Effectively I became her mother, doing night time feeds, changing nappies, resetttling her etc. That took its toll but I felt it was worth it as it was my first experience with a family member who truly loved me.

My first childbirth was awful as my baby was posterior. A 40 hour labour ending in a number of stitches. My mother was present and damaging.

Now I think about it, it was actually in the midst of labour that my view of her as my idol changed as she usurped the attention of my birth team as well as the doctor and midwife. She showed up wearing outrageous clothing and showy novelty jewellery obviously intent on getting attention. She proceeded to regale them with jokes and puns and her own birth stories.

Effectively I was left to labour alone for much of it. that was harrowing.

I never saw that till this moment!

Huh.

I got fullblown PTSD symptoms the day i left hospital - 4 days after  - as my mother wanted me to stay in the city she lived in rather than leave with my hsband and child to return to my home 150 miles away.

I am not sure if that answers your question, d&m. you have certainly given me some food for thought though!

your feelings of alienation must have been awful. It's such an agonising thing to lose a baby but to not have the full support of your mother must have been a terrible thing.

Personally I am quite convinced that having a BPDm would affect deeply the whole childbirth and/or loss of child experience. Many many survivors find that is when they discover the scope of disorder in their mother.

i think it's actually a very useful thing that you dissociated when you did - what a protection for your fragile soul. I am very sorry you experienced that  :'(

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn,

I am glad you are looking into that. Pete Walker is an exceptionally good traumatologist and incredibly compassionate in his writings. Reading The Tao of Fully Feeling was an absolute turning point for me. I really began to understand myself as coming from an abusive background - something I had never imagined before, thinking it was all quite normal.

He discusses PTSD v CPTSD having suffered from both as a Vietnam veteran as well as a childhood abuse survivor.

His management techniques for dealing with the inner critic were especially helpful, helping me separate my parents' criticism from my own. i am much much healthier as a result.

I will look for that book in the library.

I'm really suffering right now as the mother of a runaway. I ran away when I was my daughter's age so I'm not telling my parents what's going on with my daughter. My own inner critic is having a field day with me right now.