Define "Love"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

What is love to all of you? I am not interested in what it is not, we are all very aware of those!

I will start with love = safety.

[JaneStorm]

What is love to all of you? I am not interested in what it is not, we are all very aware of those!

I will start with love = safety.

[JaneStorm]

This may be in the wrong section? Oops!

[C.Stein]

Safety is a good start ... .emotional and physical, but physical is tied to emotional.  I believe the emotional component is the biggest one.  I think emotional/mental abuse is far more prevalent than physical and arguably more damaging.  Providing emotional safety to the one you love is of paramount importance in a healthy relationship.  This is something that I believe is (or should be) universally understood.

I also think putting your loved ones needs ahead of your own, not to the detriment of your own well being, is also an important component if not a primary one.  This is basically not being selfish and self-centered and to think of your partner before you think of yourself.    

The behavior that hurt me the most in my relationship with the exBPD was her putting her own petty, selfish needs ahead of my emotional well being.  My emotional well being was the sacrificial lamb to her needs and she did it without really seeming to care about the damage it was causing.  There was no good reason for her to do this and NOT doing it would not have compromised her own well being in any way.  It was just thoughtless uncaring actions on her part to get what she wanted at my expense.

I think fear is also a component, but not the presence of it but rather the lack of it.  Everyone has fears in intimate relationships.  To "love" someone is to recognize those fears, both in yourself and your partner and do your best to address, resolve and sooth those fears.

[JaneStorm]

Nice.

Safety is broken down for me = emotional, physical (potential infection of STDs if he 'soothed' himself with the wrong one) and financial. We are to protect the ones we love; from outside threats as well as our own dark demons. It is a duty and should be an honor.

[C.Stein]

Respect ... .how does this play into love?  As we have discussed before, respect is the key to any relationship.  You don't need to love someone to respect them.   Perhaps respect, as it applies to love, is respect for your partners well being, all aspects of it.  This in a loving relationship I believe comes down to respecting the individuality of your partner.

[JaneStorm]

"According to Sternberg’s Love Theory, There are Three Components of Love: Commitment, Passion and Intimacy"

www.psych2go.net/according-sternbergs-love-theory-three-components-love-commitment-passion-intimacy/

What do you make of that ^^^?

[blackbirdsong]

The book that helped me a lot to understand what were the wrong elements of 'love' in my relationship with BPDgf was The Art of Loving by E. Fromm. Not just from her side, but from mine too.

I recommend it to everyone here.

It also describes the concept of 'healthy' love. Something that most of us didn't nurture in our relationships.

[C.Stein]

"According to Sternberg’s Love Theory, There are Three Components of Love: Commitment, Passion and Intimacy"

www.psych2go.net/according-sternbergs-love-theory-three-components-love-commitment-passion-intimacy/

What do you make of that ^^^?

There are some good points, but personally I don't agree with the idea that commitment = marriage.   You can be committed to someone without marriage.  In fact I believe if you cannot commit yourself to someone outside of marriage then you can't do it inside of a marriage.  As we have all seen on this board, commitment is something pwBPD struggle with.

Passion ... .I don't really see that as "love" as he has defined it.  This type of passion is more animal attraction.  Yes, it is definitely a part of an intimate relationship but I fail to see how it is a component of love.  That said, I don't feel "passion" has to necessarily be linked to sex.  You can be passionate about a person without the sexual component ... .for example being passionate about your partners individual goals or being passionate about building a healthy relationship.  I guess this depends on how you view sex.  Personally I see it as one of two things, the physical and the emotional.  Emotional sex is what most people call "making love", then there is the physical sex which has no emotional component at all.  So with respect to emotional sex, there is that sharing, the intimate bonding that occurs when you have sex with someone you truly love.  This is necessarily a two way exchange and necessarily requires feeling emotionally safe with your partner.  I will say that I thought I had achieved this depth of a bond with my ex but now I am confused as to what it really was and if it was a two way exchange as I had thought.

Intimacy I believe comes from friendship and a genuine concern for the well being of your partner.  Emotional safety is the key to achieving a truly intimate and close connection with someone IMO.  I don't think I ever felt emotionally safe with my ex and the result is it kept me at arms length most of the time which resulted in a loss of emotional intimacy ... .which then resulted in a loss of emotional sex.  The times when I allowed myself to get emotionally close to her, to be more emotionally intimate with her, she did something that would hurt me and push me away.

So I guess they all do play a part in "love" so to speak ... .that ideal love which is near impossible to achieve let alone sustain.  Throw in a PD and where does that leave you?

[blackbirdsong]

It think that it is not important to strictly define a definition of love. The thing that is important is that true love is mutual feeling, reciprocity in the relationship of two people.

Here I am talking about love between partners. There are also other types of love, e.g. parental love that follows different 'rules'.

When you consider this then you become aware that they didn't love us in a healthy way.

But guess what, neither did we, not in a healthy way.

And this is a reason why are we all here.

Because if we loved them then you are arguing the initial preconditional of true love (mutual feeling)

[Rmbrworst]

Love is multilayered.

Love is strong initial attraction and bonding.  Then love is respect, sacrifice and giving until a strong bond is created.  The final phase of love, is acknowledging the Sparks and Fire have subsided, like they always do, but you decide to stay together, because you have made the decision that this person is your partner, your equal, and deserving of a life together with you.

Love is dedication, work, and something else that cannot be put into words.

In my experience people with BPD experience the first intense phase of love ... .but never mature into the dedication and bonding phase.

Thanks for asking this question.

[blackbirdsong]

Love is multilayered.

Love is strong initial attraction and bonding.

I would disagree with this one based on the latest psychology thesis about love. Actually, this is not a mandatory step for establishing love.

For example, in other cultures you have a concept of agreed marriage. Here, often, you don't have a stage/layer of initial attraction but it is possible that love occurs in those cases.

The Fromm's book that I have mentioned earlier also states somethibg similar.

[JaneStorm]

Robert Sternberg Theory (from the link). I think this speaks to the arranged marriage scenario by blackbird:

Nonlove: It is merely the absence of the three components. This basically characterizes the majority of our personal relationships, which are simply casual interactions. It could apply to your acquaintances or someone you’re not particularly attached with.

Friendship: This is characterized when intimacy is present. This is the set of feelings one experiences without the intense feeling of passion or commitment in the romantic sense. This can however be a root for the other forms of love to manifest.

Infatuated Love: It is called infatuation when passion is present, and both liking and commitment is absent. Crushes (whether celebrity or not) fall under this category. People with nothing but a sexual relationship with each other also manifest this category, as they are only bounded by carnal desires and nothing more. This is the most common root of romantic love, as it is believed that intimacy develops over time. But if neither intimacy nor commitment is develop, this can fizzle over time. Our BPDexes?

Empty Love: An example of this is an unhappy marriage, where the intimacy or the liking for the spouse is gone, and the flames of passion have already been put out a long time ago; nothing left but the contract of marriage itself. Empty love is characterized by the absence of passion and intimacy despite the presence of commitment. A strong love may deteriorate into empty love. And if we flip the spotlight to arranged marriages; going into the marriage, it can be categorized as empty love, which can seep into another form of love over time.

Romantic Love: This form of love is a combination between intimacy and passion. Lovers who are under this category are said to not only be drawn and bonded physically, but emotionally as well. This is one of the most common stepping stones to a married life. In this kind of relationship, it lacks the commitment. So it’s a little bit easier to scrap it out when both of the parties involved have had enough of it, without all the legal issues to deal with.

Companionate Love: It is characterized by the combination of intimacy and commitment, and the absence of passion. This is stronger than the friendship form because of the element of commitment. Companionate love is observed in long-term marriages, where you don’t exactly need the passion in order to stay in love with your partner, because the affection remained. It can also be observed among family members and close friends who have a platonic, but strong friendship.

Fatuous Love: A very good example of a fatuous love is Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphires, only to divorce him 72 days later. It’s the type of whirlwind romances that end up in our television sets. Fatuous love is just that. This type of love is the combination of commitment and passion without intimacy. With my example of Kim and Kris’ wedding, their marriage was not enforced by intimacy, plus they got married so soon, and publicly as well, that might be a contributing factor to the end of their short-lived married life.

Consummate Love: This type of love sits at the very center of the triangle, because this is said to be the perfect and ideal type of love. All three components are present in this type of love and this is some sort of a goal for people who are in a relationship. According to Sternberg, these couples will continue to have a great sex life fifteen years or more into the relationship, they cannot imagine themselves happier over the long-term with anyone else, they overcome their difficulties gracefully, and each delight in the relationship with one other. However, Sternberg himself cautions that maintaining this relationship is harder than achieving it. And this is not a permanent form of love.

If these were fact, which would we strive for?

[thisworld]

I think it's possible to get in and out of these states with one person, every day.

To me, love is that feeling or state that inspires me to open up and experience myself fully while I am ready to witness and support the same in the other person.

Love is also an action verb to me. That's my favourite kind of love I think.

[borderdude]

love is when you see it reason to discover more aspects of yourself by letting a partner mirror you. The love is always within yourself, projecting onto another person. by discover more of you, you become more integrated connected and balanced.

[C.Stein]

Love is dedication, work, and something else that cannot be put into words.

Companionship and friendship ... .the two most important components of a lasting long term relationship.

[JaneStorm]

Trust that your partner has your back.

"Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong... ."