The addict metaphor

[thisworld]

So, I was thinking about this metaphor. Many of us are defining ourselves in detachment with this metaphor and it resonates. I was thinking that this applies to our relationships as well, but with a difference. Our partners were like addicts - ironically, mine is. Addicts have this thing called "terminal exceptionalism", which is that when they are in the throes of addiction, they exempt themselves from all their values such as honesty etc. Many people call addicts dishonest - and they are in practice. However, an addict may be a very honest person who in addiction suspends all values and goes and steals money from your pocket. With terminal exceptionalism, they separate it from who they are. Same for suffering and pain. They think they are suffering more than everyone else. An example is withdrawal, cold turkey. Many addicts think this is the worst form pain that can be experienced. But it may not be. Chemo, cancer, way worse sometimes. The partner in a relationship genuinely starts believing this, too. "The addict always suffers more than the non-user partner." Actually, this is not always so.  For one thing, the addict is pained but self- soothes or is desensitized through their substance of choice. It's the non-user partner who goes through but inner and received pain sober, without any help from any substance. It's a different, very painful experienced. It may not be less. I don't think it's less. In my relationship, too, I think there is something like this. My partner makes it known that he has a lot of pain. I believe him.

However, he has a lot of "coping skills" that may pull him out of it there and then (any female attention basically). I, on the other hand, lack these. I can only face my fear and hurt. It's painful in its own way. I'm not saying that my pain is worse or his is less - I think he has so much buried pain. (But it's buried. What do I have buried?) But I don't believe pain is definitely comparable like this. I need to own mine as something as valid as his pain. (Right now he is very cheerful because he has spotted two replacement opportunities that he wants to move in with and wants to have a relationship with me, he is pretty busy:))

My pain was never accepted in this relationship. Maybe he didn't know how to deal with it, maybe he thought I was stealing the stage - sometimes I felt like he got the copyright for pain. I am slowly getting out of this poor pained ex mode in the sense that mine doesn't have to compare to his for me to pay attention to my pain. I don't need recognition or comparison. It's there, it's big enough. Big enough is enough. There you go. I understand relationships where partners bring in unequal amounts of pain but help each other out, or at least recognize each other's pain. In my relationship it was like "If there is one person to have pain, that's me (the ex). Nobody else can be pained." That's wrong. But the relationship was like a constant conditioning for this. That's terminal exceptionalism to me in its own way. 

[thisagain]

Interesting observations! I saw some of this with my ex as well. Especially when she was using her "PTSD" and history of abuse to justify emotionally abusing me and neglecting my needs. She thought being "triggered" (which in reality was BPD dysregulation, not PTSD at all) meant she had no responsibility for what she said or did. Whenever I asked her to do differently, she just said I needed to "educate myself about PTSD."

So I started seeing a trauma therapist, who was the first to point out that this was BPD and not PTSD, and helped me understand that I was having post-traumatic reactions because my ex was abusing me in ways that had similar effects to my childhood emotional abuse. When I explained to my ex that I was also emotionally abused as a child and her abusive behavior was retraumatizing me, she almost never showed any sympathy for that at all. And later used it against me to gaslight me (she's not doing anything wrong, I'm the one taking my past abuse out on her, and I need to work out my own issues), or just be cruel (comparing me to my abusive father).

With any sort of physical pain or illness, it was always a contest with her. And she had no room emotionally to empathize or care about my (legitimate) problems if she had even the slightest problem going on in her own life. Of course her problems were almost always completely manufactured or significantly exacerbated by her own disordered thinking.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Addicts have this thing called "terminal exceptionalism", which is that when they are in the throes of addiction, they exempt themselves from all their values such as honesty etc. Many people call addicts dishonest - and they are in practice. However, an addict may be a very honest person who in addiction suspends all values and goes and steals money from your pocket. With terminal exceptionalism, they separate it from who they are.

I think that this is the psychological underpinning to the adage that "feelings are facts" with pwBPD.  pwBPD operate like love addicts, and are able to compartmentalize their addictive behavior away from what they consider to be their true personality.  This really hits home for me.

My ex considered himself an "honest person" and would vehemently insist that he was, if you pressed him on it.  However, the first relationship of any length he had in his whole life was with another man's wife!  Moreover, when she would spend time with her husband, thinking about reconciling, he would perceive that as her cheating on HIM!  It was mind-blowing.  I have no doubt that my ex was, in a normal situation, a very moral person who would never steal or appropriate something that wasn't his.  But here he was, hooked on this woman, and anything would fly!

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this behavior with my ex is how it applied to children.  His previous girlfriend had 2 severely disabled kids, one of them non-verbal.  My ex hates children and doesn't want to take care of them.  I can't imagine a worse situation for him than being the stepfather of two profoundly disabled kids.  In order to continue his addictive behavior in the relationship with their mother, however, he suspended all sense of responsibility toward the children.  Thank heavens he didn't marry her!  It's not hard to imagine how that would have ended.

Most of us have basic priorities that we consider when choosing a mate.  His previous girlfriend was also a drug user and lived in a filthy, hoarder-style house full of cockroaches.  My ex's addiction to this woman was so strong that even months into our relationship, he would still defend the drugs and cockroaches!

So yes, needs arise, and then rationalizations are created to make meeting those needs acceptable, moral, etc.

[joeramabeme]

Interesting observations! I saw some of this with my ex as well. Especially when she was using her "PTSD" and history of abuse to justify emotionally abusing me and neglecting my needs. She thought being "triggered" (which in reality was BPD dysregulation, not PTSD at all) meant she had no responsibility for what she said or did. Whenever I asked her to do differently, she just said I needed to "educate myself about PTSD."

So I started seeing a trauma therapist, who was the first to point out that this was BPD and not PTSD, and helped me understand that I was having post-traumatic reactions because my ex was abusing me in ways that had similar effects to my childhood emotional abuse. When I explained to my ex that I was also emotionally abused as a child and her abusive behavior was retraumatizing me, she almost never showed any sympathy for that at all. And later used it against me to gaslight me (she's not doing anything wrong, I'm the one taking my past abuse out on her, and I need to work out my own issues), or just be cruel (comparing me to my abusive father).

With any sort of physical pain or illness, it was always a contest with her. And she had no room emotionally to empathize or care about my (legitimate) problems if she had even the slightest problem going on in her own life. Of course her problems were almost always completely manufactured or significantly exacerbated by her own disordered thinking.

Hi ThisAgain, Wanted to reply to your quote as I think this is the first time I heard someone tell the details of exactly what happened with me.  I was re-experiencing childhood trauma all over in my marriage and I did not know it.  I saw a trauma therapist b/c my uBPDexw told me that I had trauma.  LOL!  She was right and I did not even know it. 

My trauma was interfering with our adopting - partly b/c it had never been resolved but ironically also because it was being re-triggered in the context of our marriage.  As a result, I went through EMDR and have experienced much healing.  However, Once I got to a certain point in my recovery, I began to see her actions that were re-triggering me and tried desperately to address it with her to which I was gaslighted and then pushed out of her world.

I have never had so much clarity in understanding how to say this as I just did.  Thank you for your post.  I spent many years feeling extremely guilty that my broken childhood ruined our parenting opportunities and our marriage but am now as clear as I have ever been that the above statements are a more accurate portrayal of the truth.

[GreenEyedMonster]

My pain was never accepted in this relationship. Maybe he didn't know how to deal with it, maybe he thought I was stealing the stage - sometimes I felt like he got the copyright for pain. I am slowly getting out of this poor pained ex mode in the sense that mine doesn't have to compare to his for me to pay attention to my pain.

My ex -- who bears such striking similarities to yours -- was raised to believe that other people's pain is HIS problem to fix, specifically his mother's pain.  In fact, I would go as far as to say that that was his assigned role in life.  He escaped this when his mother passed away, and now avoids any situation that might resemble that.  He seems now to take the opposite stand -- other people's pain is NOT his problem, and in fact he is going to ignore the fact that other people suffer and pretend that pain doesn't exist.  It's HIS turn now.

His abusers used his empathy as a weapon against him.  The moment that he starts thinking about someone else's pain or needs, he turns back into that little child who isn't allowed to have a self because Mommy needs him to be everything for her.  He hates being that helpless little boy, so he shuts it all out and focuses inward.

My ex needs to be parented, the RIGHT way, and he's still looking for a person to do it.  He needs a parent who is able to put her own pain, suffering, and needs aside to look after her child -- things his own mother wasn't able to do.  My ex instinctively rejects any new "mother" who is not able to do this.  He was forbidden to become anything or anyone who didn't meet his mother's needs.  Unfortunately, in romantic relationships, if you don't meet the other person's needs, they move on and find someone who does, or try to fix the relationship by making their needs clearer.  A romantic partner can't re-parent an abused child without total self-sacrifice, like a parent.  That's why ex's relationships are all doomed to failure -- he's looking for the mother he never had.

This is also why we as partners can never meet the needs of a pwBPD and have a functional relationship.

[thisworld]

Thisagain,

My heart goes out to you,

It's very difficult to get stuck in a situation like that and I'm so happy that you had a good therapist who recognized BPD for what it is. How heart breaking it is to open up, share our deepest vulnerabilities with them, only to be hurt again and again. My ex thinks I'm a very cold person. I'm not. I didn't have any safe emotional space to open up. One day, after he was very dismissive in what turned into a solo argument, he started walking around me in my study trying to start a second argument. I was just very heartbroken and told him to please be compassionate, that I felt weak and could just cry. He took it as a reason to start attacking again. I wanted to puke. I had a difficult childhood, too. Not one word of sympathy about that. Yet, his childhood requires attention and love for every single second of it.

The way he treats his mother is much worse. My ex's father was an alcoholic and he was an impulsive womanizer. His mother is an angry codependent but my ex turned her life into hell. The woman has cancer and you should see the way he is able to treat her. That could well be our fate, too. And then he puts loving stuff about her on FB. The reality, however, was shocking the first time I heard him speak to her.

Any sort of physical illness, my ex is the universal champion. Actually, he offers good care (though not for long durations) when someone else is ill - and he isn't high himself. But then he has this "look at me, what a good person I am" smile on his face and fishes for compliments for his behaviour. It's so errie and tedious that it is actually easier to make your own soup.  

At the moment, he is trapped in his problems but the idea of "choice" annoys him. He wants everything, now, from people who have no obligations toward him. He simply cannot take no as an answer from people who don't even have to answer him.

 

[thisworld]

Addicts have this thing called "terminal exceptionalism", which is that when they are in the throes of addiction, they exempt themselves from all their values such as honesty etc. Many people call addicts dishonest - and they are in practice. However, an addict may be a very honest person who in addiction suspends all values and goes and steals money from your pocket. With terminal exceptionalism, they separate it from who they are.

I think that this is the psychological underpinning to the adage that "feelings are facts" with pwBPD.  pwBPD operate like love addicts, and are able to compartmentalize their addictive behavior away from what they consider to be their true personality.  This really hits home for me.

My ex considered himself an "honest person" and would vehemently insist that he was, if you pressed him on it.  However, the first relationship of any length he had in his whole life was with another man's wife!  Moreover, when she would spend time with her husband, thinking about reconciling, he would perceive that as her cheating on HIM!  It was mind-blowing.  I have no doubt that my ex was, in a normal situation, a very moral person who would never steal or appropriate something that wasn't his.  But here he was, hooked on this woman, and anything would fly!

Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of this behavior with my ex is how it applied to children.  His previous girlfriend had 2 severely disabled kids, one of them non-verbal.  My ex hates children and doesn't want to take care of them.  I can't imagine a worse situation for him than being the stepfather of two profoundly disabled kids.  In order to continue his addictive behavior in the relationship with their mother, however, he suspended all sense of responsibility toward the children.  Thank heavens he didn't marry her!  It's not hard to imagine how that would have ended.

Most of us have basic priorities that we consider when choosing a mate.  His previous girlfriend was also a drug user and lived in a filthy, hoarder-style house full of cockroaches.  My ex's addiction to this woman was so strong that even months into our relationship, he would still defend the drugs and cockroaches!

So yes, needs arise, and then rationalizations are created to make meeting those needs acceptable, moral, etc.

GEM, thank you so much for putting this into BPD perspective. Yes, they compartmentalize. My ex even claims that he was in "psychosis" and doesn't remember (emotional cheating). But I think he is aware to a degree at least because all his relationships ended because of stuff like this and he must have heard the same thing from many women before. So, at this more experienced stage, he comes up with discourses and justifications about why he wants to keep certain "friends" in his life (forgiveness and compassion) and declares this on Day 1. Day 1 is also about how loyal he is. You then realize his absolution for his contradictory behaviour.

Yes, girlfriends with cockroaches are defended:)) Did he triangulate, too?

I had a feeling that my ex felt helpless, too. Maybe it was about his low self-esteem. But actually, I don't know what else this meant for him. Sometimes, it felt like someone not being perfect and needing help annoyed him deeply. Combined with feelings of inadequacy from BPD, it may be giving him a narcissistic wound as well. That may be a very difficult situation. But he was very rude in those moments.

I think they all need reparenting, this time very differently. However, is this something that can be done in a relationship? There is a thread about this very topic in the awareness forum actually. 

Best,

[blackbirdsong]

Addicts have this thing called "terminal exceptionalism", which is that when they are in the throes of addiction, they exempt themselves from all their values such as honesty etc. Many people call addicts dishonest - and they are in practice. However, an addict may be a very honest person who in addiction suspends all values and goes and steals money from your pocket. With terminal exceptionalism, they separate it from who they are.

I think they all need reparenting, this time very differently. However, is this something that can be done in a relationship? There is a thread about this very topic in the awareness forum actually. 

Best,

Well, if you want to be a parent to them, maybe it is possible.

Altough, I am not sure that this is healthy nor that they would accept this.

I am a bit cynical but you get the idea

[JaneStorm]

Thisworld

GEM, thank you so much for putting this into BPD perspective. Yes, they compartmentalize. My ex even claims that he was in "psychosis" and doesn't remember (emotional cheating). But I think he is aware to a degree at least because all his relationships ended because of stuff like this and he must have heard the same thing from many women before. So, at this more experienced stage, he comes up with discourses and justifications about why he wants to keep certain "friends" in his life (forgiveness and compassion) and declares this on Day 1. Day 1 is also about how loyal he is. You then realize his absolution for his contradictory behaviour.

Amazing. The similarities are almost laughable. He told me straight up that he is a chameleon and is very good at compartmentalizing his life. Had I known the key words... .

[thisworld]

My ex is a collage, as he proudly states. I can't believe I gave him the word  This collage has zero accountability and never approaches anything he did critically. He speaks a lot but it's stories and stories, there isn't a framework of morality, a sense of coherent self. And yes, he is a chameleon. He changes so quickly around different people. His likes, his posture, his beliefs, everything changes. I found it very off-putting.

I think all these words were some sort of absolution. We should have asked more questions. Lack of coherence would have been obvious in my ex's case. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yes, girlfriends with cockroaches are defended:)) Did he triangulate, too?

The old girlfriend was often used as a conversation topic to discuss how much better I was.  I guess that is triangulation, but with me being the winner.  It became apparent to me pretty early on that he had deeply conflicting feelings about the ex.  He lost his virginity to her, and at times would say he regretted it and other times would say it was great because he was in love and she was so understanding.  That always made me incredibly uncomfortable.  It's not nice to think that someone is fantasizing about their ex, you know?

He smeared her on Facebook constantly by talking about how mentally ill and psychopathic she was.

I remember once, when we were on a nice romantic getaway together, he started talking about his ex and I told him that I thought he deserved better than someone who did drugs and lived in filth.  He began defending her!  I sort of knew then that he was still holding a torch for her, as if he needed to keep that option open if she decided to come back one day.  All of the FB smearing and all of that were really just bluster to make his own feelings go away, and a way for him to process his anger at himself for whatever he did to terminate the relationship.  He admitted to me that he had a hard time remembering why he wanted to break up with her.

Interestingly enough, he tolerated every single bizarre flaw in his relationship with her until they began fighting about some unknown topic (maybe his commitment to her?) and she postponed their wedding.  Then the fact that she was a diagnosed psychopath was reason to break up with her . . . but not before then!

[thisagain]

He escaped this when his mother passed away, and now avoids any situation that might resemble that.  He seems now to take the opposite stand -- other people's pain is NOT his problem, and in fact he is going to ignore the fact that other people suffer and pretend that pain doesn't exist.  It's HIS turn now.

His abusers used his empathy as a weapon against him.  The moment that he starts thinking about someone else's pain or needs, he turns back into that little child who isn't allowed to have a self because Mommy needs him to be everything for her.  He hates being that helpless little boy, so he shuts it all out and focuses inward.

My ex needs to be parented, the RIGHT way, and he's still looking for a person to do it.  He needs a parent who is able to put her own pain, suffering, and needs aside to look after her child -- things his own mother wasn't able to do.  My ex instinctively rejects any new "mother" who is not able to do this.  He was forbidden to become anything or anyone who didn't meet his mother's needs.  Unfortunately, in romantic relationships, if you don't meet the other person's needs, they move on and find someone who does, or try to fix the relationship by making their needs clearer.  A romantic partner can't re-parent an abused child without total self-sacrifice, like a parent.  That's why ex's relationships are all doomed to failure -- he's looking for the mother he never had.

This is also why we as partners can never meet the needs of a pwBPD and have a functional relationship.

Thanks for this, it's great insight! Helps me understand my ex with BPD in a way I didn't before... .  I knew her engulfment fears (or fear of being controlled) were triggered by me wanting or needing something from her, but hadn't thought this deeply about why.

[GreenEyedMonster]

He escaped this when his mother passed away, and now avoids any situation that might resemble that.  He seems now to take the opposite stand -- other people's pain is NOT his problem, and in fact he is going to ignore the fact that other people suffer and pretend that pain doesn't exist.  It's HIS turn now.

His abusers used his empathy as a weapon against him.  The moment that he starts thinking about someone else's pain or needs, he turns back into that little child who isn't allowed to have a self because Mommy needs him to be everything for her.  He hates being that helpless little boy, so he shuts it all out and focuses inward.

My ex needs to be parented, the RIGHT way, and he's still looking for a person to do it.  He needs a parent who is able to put her own pain, suffering, and needs aside to look after her child -- things his own mother wasn't able to do.  My ex instinctively rejects any new "mother" who is not able to do this.  He was forbidden to become anything or anyone who didn't meet his mother's needs.  Unfortunately, in romantic relationships, if you don't meet the other person's needs, they move on and find someone who does, or try to fix the relationship by making their needs clearer.  A romantic partner can't re-parent an abused child without total self-sacrifice, like a parent.  That's why ex's relationships are all doomed to failure -- he's looking for the mother he never had.

This is also why we as partners can never meet the needs of a pwBPD and have a functional relationship.

Thanks for this, it's great insight! Helps me understand my ex with BPD in a way I didn't before... .  I knew her engulfment fears (or fear of being controlled) were triggered by me wanting or needing something from her, but hadn't thought this deeply about why.

My ex used to say to me, "I don't like to show my vulnerabilities to people."  And no wonder.  Nothing good happened to him when he did, for most of his life.  He would get bullied at school and his mother would tell him to just get over it because she didn't have enough emotional reserves herself to comfort him.  I think she basically treated him like an accessory in life.  People with happy, healthy upbringings were supported when they showed their flaws or vulnerabilities to others, and this created a healthy sense of intimacy.  For my ex, intimacy always led to manipulation or outright rejection.

This is a trend I've seen among abused people:  their feelings are used by their abusers to manipulate them, so they naturally hide their feelings.  This is why my ex is currently lurking very conspicuously on social media.  He probably feels horrible about what he did to me, and maybe would like to apologize and give it another shot, but all of his instincts from childhood tell him that admitting he is wrong is an invitation for me to abuse him.  It's easier for him to block out those feelings and pretend he doesn't need me at all, though I question how long he will be able to do this effectively.

I strongly believe that my ex learned to substitute physical intimacy for emotional intimacy, because that was something his parents never tainted for him with their behavior.  He would get very physically close to me, but if I asked him questions about his past or his opinions, he's close right up and become defensive.