Do I delete all the photographs?

[GoingBack2OC]

My BPD/NARC/Sociopath EXgf and I spent 5 years together before she literally destroyed me on Christmas Eve; after years of being lied to; I'm feeling the need to just delete; permanantly, every photograph we ever took. Just wipe clean, no back up. Gone.

We traveled the world. And it's an odd thing to do; to erase the record of so many memories, but I really feel like after this, how she dumped me, how she lied for so long to me about so many things, and how she did it with a smile on her face- I'll never want to look at them, they will never make me have happy thoughts, or bring back fond memories.

It's as if seeing the images now will only remind me of the lie I was living in; unknowningly.

I've never felt that way before. I've had 2 other long term relationships. And after they ended I boxed up the photos, bagged them so they'd be ok. And put them away, out of sight. I've looked at them a few times, years later, and while the relationship didnt work out, I can look at them now and smile, and remember the good times.

With this case; I just dont know how I'll ever look back and feel good. She stole so much of who I was. Years of lying, betrayal, deceit, she made me a very angry, (almost crazy) person. She really did change me.

So I'm sitting here; I need them off my hard drive. Do I dump to a disk and put away, or just click delete and never look back. I dont know how I'll ever feel good having them. Or seeing them. It was all just a lie. And it took me years to realize.

Thoughts?

PS:  This is how sick my exgf was:  The day after Christmas I drove up to her parents and knocked on their door, she was there. I sat with them and her, and confronted her, not agressively (I was crying, she was just sitting there no emotion at all); and I said to her and her parents; these are the lies, I listed the crazy - insane - outrageous stories she told... .her parents eyes widened, like - what the heck?) She looked at me and smiled with a small laugh "It was just a joke I was just joking around".

That was her apology. That the years of lies, all the hurt and pain... .she was just joking around.

I realize she is sick. She doesnt realize, cant empathize, she will do it again. I can't be with her ever again; I know that. But what do I do with all the memories. Delete?

[VeraTrue]

I think you should follow your gut. But since you are asking for advice, I would say this: get it all off of your hard drive, away from where you might see it in your day to day life. But put it somewhere. A cloud service, a thumb drive, somewhere. And store it somewhere you won't see it accidentally. See how that feels. The reason I'm saying this is that you may want at some point in the future, to be able to reference the archives during your healing process. They may help you answer questions you haven't thought of yet, or clear up confusion somehow. If you store them and you still want them gone in a while, you can make a releasing ritual out of it.

[focus]

I agree with Vera.

I would put them in a USB stick and put it somewhere, even ask a friend to store it for you.

Perhaps, years later down the road when you are completly indifferent by her, you'd like to look at the photos from your travels or something.

If it bothers you some time ahead that these photos ate still around throw the stick away and never look back.

But it's a good idea to remove them from the hard drive in your computer.

[UVA2002]

Make like it never happened except for the red flags you should now be able to recognize.

[circularref]

I would delete everything, no backup. I initially removed everything and kept it out of sight and sometimes I would look at it. This just brought back the emotional abuse: I would look at a photo and remember how we had a great time, and then remember the huge bs that happened just after (or before). This is not good, you need to let go.

[mywifecrazy]

I lived your dilemma only I had an 18 history with my uBPDxw. Dated 2 years married 18yrs and have 2 sons. My X deleted me from her life on Fathers Day 2013 when I caught her with my neighbor. What's with these BPD's that they choose major dates to Act Out... .LOL

Anyway, I was still in the FOG for months after she left me high and dry. Not only did she abandon our kids but she didn't even ask or have any desire to take any photographs or momentous of her kids lives. It was like she deleted all that from her mind and she was starting out a new life with my neighbor. Granted it was a new life full of lies and manipulation designed to put my neighbor into a FOG about her real identity.

Like you I was in a lot of pain and realized that my 20yrs with her were not what I thought they were. I found out she was cheating and lying to and about me the whole time. Its hard to deal with all the memories and pictures when you realize that you were being manipulated and mentally abused. Who wants to reminisce about that? BUT I have kids with my uBPDxw and had to consider their feelings and what they might want have as keepsakes for later in their life.

Here's what I did: I saved some pictures of my kids and their Mom and put them in a box out of the way with the intention of giving it to them when they move out. I also saved some electronic pictures for them again with the intention of giving to my kids when they are older. All the other electronic pictures I permanently deleted. All the other physicall pictures I had I looked at one last time and threw them into my outdoor fireplace. It was very therapeutic for me as I looked at each picture one last time before burning them. It was very sad, especially the wedding pictures but it was good for me moving forward as each picture was now tainted with all the lies and deception surrounding them. I'm now almost 3 years out and I don't regret these actions one bit! I kept waiting for her to ask for photos of the kids but she never did. Its if she had flipped a switch in her brain and the 20yrs with me didn't exist in her mind. Theses people with BPD are mentally ill and I can't wrap my brain around their thoughts or lack there of. My burning party was necessary for me to let go of the past and to move forward in my quest for a new mentally healthy life free of the FOG that surrounds life in BPD world.

Whatever you do don't do it on impulse, you might regret it. Like others said put them aside for now and make a decision when your emotions calm down a bit. My burning party didn't happen for a few months after breakup.

Hang in there your not alone. PS. The "I was only joking" line... .God, if I heard that once I heard it a thousand times! It's what a little kid would say when they get caught in a lie. Good luck moving forward. Be happy you don't have 20yrs worth of pictures and memories to deal with!

MWC... .

[Fr4nz]

Anyway, I was still in the FOG for months after she left me high and dry. Not only did she abandon our kids but she didn't even ask or have any desire to take any photographs or momentous of her kids lives. It was like she deleted all that from her mind and she was starting out a new life with my neighbor. Granted it was a new life full of lies and manipulation designed to put my neighbor into a FOG about her real identity.

Sorry to hijack for one moment the thread but... .let me say that reading she abandoned your kids in this way is really mind boggling... .

[Herodias]

I put mine on a flash drive so I can see them if I want to. I agree to get them off of what you see everyday.

[svart]

If you loved her keep them but dont look atvthem it only hurts. Let time heal your wounds and when you are able to look at them without feeling any emotions do it. My guess is that it eill take two years. Dont go back if your wounds are still fresh. Sorry for my broken English.

[Learning_curve74]

This is a common question on the forum, you're not alone in being ambivalent about what to do with photos and other memorabilia. There may be a time in the future when these things don't hold so much emotional power over you and you may appreciate having them. You could copy the digital stuff and put them in a safe deposit box or other secure storage, box up the other stuff and put it behind other boxes making them difficult to access.

I can't speak for anybody but myself, but my BPD relationship was not all bad nor all good. So I appreciate having some mementoes of the past good times, just as I do of other exes.

[C.Stein]

I can't speak for anybody but myself, but my BPD relationship was not all bad nor all good. So I appreciate having some mementoes of the past good times, just as I do of other exes.

Mine was the same and I think it makes it all the much harder to detach when this is the case. 

[Rmbrworst]

I sent all old pictures to my friend on a disc.  I deleted them from my immediate location.

If I feel I am ready in the future, I will ask my friend for the disc so I can remember good times.  Right now I'm having a hard enough time not looking up his name to see his pics online (he has a huge online presence).

Get rid of the immediate temptation, but I wouldn't delete them. Give them to a friend for safe keeping.  Or a family member

[UserName69]

I would say delete them. Seeing them will only affect you in a negative way and probably interfere with your healing process.

[abq1980]

I too had a mixture of good times and bad (mostly good).  I have started seeing a therapist who has given me advice to reserve a time each day (or less if I want) and look at photographs, mementos, etc., and not feel guilty about doing so.  She has told me it is normal to look at photos and that it can actually help me grieve the end of the relationship.  Part of her thinking might be also that she knows I am not going to go cold turkey.  I loved my wife a great deal, and at least for now I still want to remember the good times.  To erase her completely does not seem like it would help me.

Do whatever makes you feel better, but I wouldn't destroy anything.  Once you do that, there is no going back.