63

This was difficult, because I've done so much inner work throughout the years. I recognize a lot of these things as being heavily true when I was a young adult, but not as many as are true now. I focused on traits I've had overall, even if I've worked through them today. My mother had NPD and was an alcoholic, so I'm sure I didn't get the emotional support I needed.

Realised I forgot to give my score 77.

Father has OCD and was controlling, mother I think has a tendency to NPD and failed to protect us from father, I ended up feeling like mother to my 3 younger siblings, parents had an abusive relationship - they would argue, then make up and blame us for all their problems. All three of us girls have been victims of sexual and physical abuse within our own relationships, my brother has ocd and a tendency to be controlling towards women. My maternal grandmother is NPD and grandfather is an enabler. Paternal grandfather was a tyrant and grandmother was enabler. A huge amount of undiagnosed mental illness within the family.  When I initially showed my own mental illness I was told not to do it again and to get over it. I was always labelled the "black sheep" of the family. In the wider daily there is depression and ASD.

37.

I know my score would probably be doubled, without the therapy I've had. BPD hermit mother, "Huntsman Dad", two BPD husbands.

I was very codependent and I remember one of my beloved therapists telling me, "We've got to build you a self."

Nowadays, I'm quite strong in myself and have succeeded in weeding out a lot of the people pleasing behaviors. I tend to think that a third of the population will dislike me no matter what, another third will have neutral feelings about me and the other third will like me. I focus on the ones who will like me and am polite to the rest.

It's been quite a journey from being a shy, scared, self-doubting young girl to feeling competent and happy with myself. (The irony is that because I no longer "give a sh!t" about what people think, my husband thinks I'm veering toward narcissism--and I think he's envious.)

Got a 66.

My parents loved me but fought constantly with each other and drank a lot. You can't run to your parents for much when they are yelling at each other. I didn't realize some of my antisocial tendencies came from emotional neglect. I once tried really hard to scratch a spot on my back and my husband asked me why I didn't ask him to do it for me, he was sitting right next to me. It occurred to me that I don't ask for help for anything, and try really hard to avoid asking for help in any situation. I have a "I don't need your help" mentality. I also feel like an outcast at family functions, and often compare myself to others in any situation and feel like I fall short. I could go on and on. I for the longest time thought my family dynamic was normal.

I scored 37.  

My mum was a single parent and seriously lacked any emotional warmth.  I attributed that to her being exhausted all the time working two jobs and me being a typical mouthy teenager.  However, she had a terrible childhood herself with no love so she didn't know how to show that to her own children.  I don't remember any hugs or cuddles on the sofa or anytime her genuinely telling me she loved me.  She also chucked me out when I was 18 and threw all my clothes out of my bedroom window on to the street below.  She then left the UK when I was 21 to move to the USA to be with a guy she had loved since her teens.  Fair enough.

I know I am co-dependent in some ways; I'm sure as hell not going to let my own daughter grow up feeling unloved or unwanted.

92.

Wow. I checked twice.
This is hard  to accept.
Need to think it over... .

Libra.

64, Severe emotional neglect


^^Yes.

It sounds silly, but I identify a lot with how Harry Potter feels in the books.  He loves being around the Weasley's but is very much aware of his status as "friend", and even when Molly Weasley says things about how she might as well be his mother, who else has he got, I can see how he feels, choked up, overwhelmed by not knowing how to react to affection.

I feel like a weirdo outsider, looking into a window.

I cannot ask for help.  I feel guilty, useless if I can't do things myself.  It barely occurs to me to ask for things, and takes a lot of mental prep to make myself do it. 

94 

Oh... .but I hide it really well most of the time. You’d never guess it was this bad. Even close friends and family have no idea of the severity. When I was young, we didn’t talk about these things. Period.

L2T

34. But some of the questions got a zero cause they were hard to interpret.

Hi L2T 

I don't know if there is a right way or wrong way to score this.  In general, for myself, I try to answer these sorts of things based on where I am today, unless it is more like the ACEs test, in which case I just score based on how things were.  Focusing on where I am today gives me a more hopeful perspective and serves as a gauge for my healing.  I won't ever score in the 'normal' range on something like this though.

I will be interested in how you score tomorrow so I am going to stay tuned!

 

I answered based on the majority of my life and scored 73. My score is lower now but would still fall in the severe category. It's interesting for me to fully understand where I've been, where I am and where I'm going.

Get I've put a lot of conscious effort into shifting some of these things towards a healthier mid point over the last few years. Life events have also played a part in the change process. There came a point, for example, where I had no choice but to ask for help, whether I liked it or not.

Very interesting test.

Love and light x

My score is 67

Honestly, I was a little surprised. I thought I would not be in the severe category, but maybe moderate at most.  However, considering the statements, these are things I never considered to be signs of emotional neglect. My father has only become somewhat emotionally supportive in the last few months, but for the majority of my life he never wanted to talk about emotions and often told me to "get over it."

I always thought my uBPD mother was emotionally supportive because she always told me how great of a mother she is. But, now that I understand the screwed up relationship/emotional incest that existed growing up, I see that she expected me to support her emotionally. She often told me to stop crying if I was upset and would get angry, very angry if I cried and told me how my life is so perfect and she wishes she had my life, how could I ever be so ungrateful and cry. In high school, she would tell me that she has enough problems with my brother, she doesn't need to worry/know about my problems too. In July, it took a lot of courage for me to share with her troubles I have with depression and anxiety. She told me "You can't be that way, you just need to get over it. My life is so much harder and I still get up and do what I need to do."  (BTW, her life is hard because she lives in a fancy, upgraded apartment instead of a million dollar house, and she separated from my father which she initiated and fought to make happen.)

I remember when I first cried in front of my fiance and I felt immediate worry that he would be upset with me. I remember feeling a physical and mental shock when he hugged me and comforted me.

I have been in therapy for about 3 months now. I hope it will help me with my emotional neglect "score."

I got 45.

I thought I would land in the "mild" category, but as I reflect more and more on the behavior in question, there is a strong pattern that has persisted for decades. I struggle to claim a history of "moderate" emotional abuse right now but it's something I'd like to work on acknowledging and naming as part of my past and, to a certain extent, present.

A decade ago, my score would have been maybe 15-20 points higher. I've only recently begun to explore the impact that specific patterns of behavior related to PD have had on my emotional development but years in and out of therapy have made a difference, even if I may have been dancing around the root of the periodic issues that drew me there in the past.

Moderate. I scored well (low) on the questions which I think speak to differentiation. Though I'll admit that I still harbor feelings like I'm not worth loving,  I don't doubt myself.  

Like these last two:


0, 0. I always resisted my mother's attempts at enmeshment.  Though I did pick up a few waifish-hermit traits, I resisted being like her,  and rebelled against it, from being a teen throughout my adulthood. 

I scored a 55...but really had to think about some of my responses and found myself hesitating. Part of healing is having to acknowledge where some of my needs are and it is difficult because I really have prided myself on ending cycles, creating my own destiny, and being better than where I came from. I wonder if my perspective on some of these is different than others close to me. I believe I had many protective factors and some resiliency that prevented me from scoring higher. I sought escape and support from friends, their families, and escape through positive activities.