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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Feeling so low.  (Read 709 times)
Itstopsnow
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 324


« on: January 17, 2016, 10:47:27 AM »

I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy, trying to push through. I think I have a good logical grasp on what happened between me and my ex. He was a typical Bordeeline. Lying, cheating, abusing, acting as if he was the good guy and I had the anger issues. Acting devout and religious while doing deceitful things . I see all these issues are his, he has the spending problems, gambling addiction and anger issues. I'm almost 70 days and I feel worse? Why? I feel like I meant absolutely nothing to him. He didn't say or do anything at the end to try and show me that I did matter at one point? It's so cruel to feel this way after they push their ways into your life and over step  boundaries and you let them in. Only so they can consume your life and become your life. And then to walk away after being caught without a sorry or care towards you. It hurts me daily. I see why I stayed. I enjoyed his company, he made me feel special half of the time, I missed my mom who died when I was a teen and had family of origin issues that made it feel familiar to be in that dysfunction.  I'm back at being depressed. I see what a lousy boyfriend he was. No loyalty , no honesty , nothing that denotes a good person at all. He was selfish at best. Immature, lacking self control . He acted as if he was entitled to a life of leisure . I see he will be the same down the road. I'm sure they don't improve on downswing habits, or saving habits, it's like I was able to jump out of the run away car before it went off the cliff. But why does it seem part of me is sad to be out of it. I know he had some qualities that I liked. But even those qualities are so phony! He acts that way with any girl to make them like him. I just wish I knew he was struggling right now too as I am. And that he wasn't off just having fun and dating and not caring . Because I'm sure that is what he is doing
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bdyw8
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 122


« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2016, 05:47:12 PM »

I feel the same way now, my exBPD is on dating websites living it up 2 weeks after dumping me yet again after she lured me back in. 

I honestly don't think these people will ever find a happy relationship.  My exBPD was married previous to me and the marriage ended when her ex-husband cheated on her.  She would always talk badly about him and how he was the reason everything broke down.  She never said one thing that she contributed to the marriage breakdown or about why her ex-husband may have had an affair.  What I do know is that when they split, he took out a restraining order against her and never wanted her at his house.  He would pick up and drop off their kids at her place all the time because he feared her coming to his home. 

Then she met me and sold me on her crap and it all went to hell too.  It doesn't take long for the true colours to come out and I don't think these people are able to have a healthy relationship.  I truly don't think anyone that is like this can find peace.  I gave her the WORLD and did more and more for her as the years went by and the more I did, the more she pushed me away and that is why I went crazy because I couldn't understand this behaviour. 

I just hope people like you and I can heal and move on to have healthy relationships.  I have faith that one day, we will be able to look back and thank God that we aren't with these people anymore!  Whether we're alone and happy or happy with a healthier, more stable partner!  Cheers! 
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Rmbrworst
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 199


« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2016, 06:20:21 PM »

Dont worry about what he is doing.  It doesn't matter.  You'd also be surprised how many people's lives are an illusion.

My exBPD has been in a relationship for 5 years.  They absolutely hate each other.  They're co dependant on each other.  Their days are filled with constant fighting, arguing, and tears.  They have nothing in common, and they are BARELY keeping it together.  However, go on Facebook or Instagram and there's lovely happy pictures of them together having the "best time of their lives".

Ya right.

I too know the pain that you feel.  On Dec 26th, my exBPD made tons of plans with me.  New years Eve and beyond.  Trips, vacations, so many lovely things.

The next day, he dropped me like yesterdays trash to get back with his "ex" boyfriend.

It's a pain so deep, I would not wish it on my worst enemy.

All I can say to you is I feel for you, you're not alone, we are all going through this and it hurts so much.

He was the first man in my LIFE . . . that I was going to ask to marry me.  I thought he was my soul mate.  Sometimes I still do . . . sadly enough.

Much love.  I'm sorry I cannot say anything more useful. 


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Itstopsnow
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 324


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2016, 07:59:32 PM »

Thank you both! I appreciate it. My ex told me his ex gf cheated on him and he would not tolerate it and it was a deal breaker. I think he may have been lying and he cheated on her. These people lie more than they tell the truth. I know we are all better off. It just sucks we are in pain and they can suppress theirs and date others and not struggle as we do. Maybe they do in their own way I guess. But it's not at the level we do
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bdyw8
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 122


« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2016, 10:54:17 AM »

I totally know what you mean.  My exBPD girlfriend is the type that just dusts herself off says "it's all good" and moves on without showing much outward emotion.  This is fake, however, they are destroyed and plagued inside.

She always told me she was over her ex-husband and that she was "happy for him" that he had moved on and remarried - yet I could see that she was still very angry and definitely not over it.  I think the BPDs just don't have the capacity to be honest with themselves and when you can't be honest with yourself, how can you possibly be honest with other people.

Shortly after finding out he was getting remarried, and TWO DAYS AFTER she told me that she was happy with where we were and wanted to marry me and live together again, she all of a sudden flipped and said she never wanted to get remarried and never wanted to live with another man.  I asked her if she was just saying this because she was angry and hurt that her ex husband was getting remarried and she said "no, I just don't want to get married again".  To which I said, "why the hell did you just tell me two days ago that you wanted to marry me and live together again".  She had no answer for that... .

Ahhhh, the "why's" are so painful to think of.  I'm trying to not ask myself "why" anymore but instead ask "what" I can do to move on and let her go... .

I think that I (and maybe you too) go through more pain because we are actually processing the loss, rather than going into denial and masking it.  So I guess the pain is good in a sense in that one day, we will be completely over them and deep down they will always crave to be back with us because we tolerated their abuse for so long.
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Itstopsnow
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 324


« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2016, 11:41:08 AM »

Thanks, I do believe that too! I believe they have no clue to what they want or need in life. They can't trust their ever changing emotions , I think they probably stuff down a lot of regret, shame, and loss in their hearts . They do it to themselves though. I can't feel too bad when I think about all his manipulative words. Telling me once that sex is such a small part of the relationship and it doesn't matter so much to him. We did have relations a lot and I never dreamed for someone that acted so pious and committed that he was serial cheating on me. And the lengths he went to in order to hide it from me. I will always be dissappointed in the person he truly was. I am missing someone who wasn't even there . So sad really
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bdyw8
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 122


« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2016, 12:13:52 PM »

I feel the same way, I don't know why I'm so wrapped up in missing this person who I'm finding out more each day was full of crap and lies.  That's the addictive pull they have because they gave us something really powerful in the beginning that got us hooked!
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 320


« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2016, 12:27:13 PM »

I think it is common for the BPD to make the ending of the relationship as painful to you as possible. It is like a revenge they put you through for their own inadequacies. I also think it also reflects a sadness they have at the ending of the relationship. It hurts so much they cannot simply end it in a kindly manner. You will heal and you will meet someone worthy of your affection.
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bdyw8
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 122


« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2016, 12:40:37 PM »

Yes!  It's like rather than feel the sadness and take responsibility for their actions, they decide to get angry and punitive towards us rather than take ownership of their contribution to the breakdown.  My exBPD did several abusive things to me when we were together to hurt me and left me hanging emotionally countless times.  When I was close to suicide because of how lost and hurt I felt, she scoffed at me and said I was trying to be dramatic.  Thank God for 24 hour helplines, they saved me a couple of times... .

I for one am trying hard to work on forgiving her so that I can let go and move on. 
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HopefulDad
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorcing
Posts: 663


« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2016, 12:49:57 PM »

Time and distance help.  They really do.  I know.  Give yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship.  To be fully healed can take a long time, but the healing comes in steps.  You'll feel better after each step.
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