An extinction burst had an unexpected positive outcome (2)

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How do you feel about this?

I think that for the time being when my daughter comes home I'm going to put my phone in do not disturb mode or airplane mode depending on what I am doing. Since I am having so many problems with her right now, it would be good not to be distracted.

I received this email from him when I woke up titled apologies. I responded with thank you for the apology, I appreciate it. I feel like its not a clean apology, that there are hooks in it, a lot of hooks, but it is better then more of the same. I do feel like he has broken trust with me has and its going to take a lot on his part to restore it.

Good morning

I would like to apologies to you for talking to you about resentment and contempt ever. It is none of my affair and none of my business and inappropriate for our relationship. I was out out line and from what I can see I have been doing it for sometime. After doing much reading last night I can see how wrong I was. I will not being doing that again in any form. Please forgive me for bringing that to you. I am very remorseful I brought that into our relationship.

Additionally I take back everything I wrote in the email "what I am looking for". And I also take back everything I wrote in our relationship status email. I won't be doing that again either.

I love you and miss you dearly and ask that you forgive me and my imperfections

[unicorn2014]

How do you feel about this?

I think that for the time being when my daughter comes home I'm going to put my phone in do not disturb mode or airplane mode depending on what I am doing. Since I am having so many problems with her right now, it would be good not to be distracted.

I received this email from him when I woke up titled apologies. I responded with thank you for the apology, I appreciate it. I feel like its not a clean apology, that there are hooks in it, a lot of hooks, but it is better then more of the same. I do feel like he has broken trust with me has and its going to take a lot on his part to restore it.

Good morning

I would like to apologies to you for talking to you about resentment and contempt ever. It is none of my affair and none of my business and inappropriate for our relationship. I was out out line and from what I can see I have been doing it for sometime. After doing much reading last night I can see how wrong I was. I will not being doing that again in any form. Please forgive me for bringing that to you. I am very remorseful I brought that into our relationship.

Additionally I take back everything I wrote in the email "what I am looking for". And I also take back everything I wrote in our relationship status email. I won't be doing that again either.

I love you and miss you dearly and ask that you forgive me and my imperfections

[Kwamina]

I think that for the time being when my daughter comes home I'm going to put my phone in do not disturb mode or airplane mode depending on what I am doing. Since I am having so many problems with her right now, it would be good not to be distracted.

I think this would be very wise indeed. This will allow you to focus more on your daughter and your relationship with her and all the things she is currently dealing with

I received this email from him when I woke up titled apologies. I responded with thank you for the apology, I appreciate it. I feel like its not a clean apology, that there are hooks in it, a lot of hooks, but it is better then more of the same. I do feel like he has broken trust with me has and its going to take a lot on his part to restore it.

It is more pleasant than the other e-mails, that I agree. Yet this also reminds me of push and pull dynamics. Though his e-mail in my opinion did not necessarily need to be responded to, I think you responded in a good way by keeping it short and informative while still keeping it friendly. Whether he sends positive or negative texts/e-mails/fb messages to you, I still think it will benefit you to take a time-out and stop reading what he sends you, particularly the stuff he sends late at night and in the early morning.

[unicorn2014]

I think this would be very wise indeed. This will allow you to focus more on your daughter and your relationship with her and all the things she is currently dealing with

Yesterday she just wanted to be left alone in her room to watch her tv show, parenthood of all things, how ironic, and I realized I was feeling lonely, which was good because all the conflict with my partner had gotten in the way of my missing him, which is what others had been saying. He and I had been pretty much been face timing every night since August 2012 so this is a major change in my life and our life. We haven't facetimed since before New Year's. I do think that providing her with adult conversation was beneficial, when it wasn't fighting, so I am looking forward to being able to reinstate that in the household.

It is more pleasant than the other e-mails, that I agree. Yet this also reminds me of push and pull dynamics. Though his e-mail in my opinion did not necessarily need to be responded to, I think you responded in a good way by keeping it short and informative while still keeping it friendly. Whether he sends positive or negative texts/e-mails/fb messages to you, I still think it will benefit you to take a time-out and stop reading what he sends you, particularly the stuff he sends late at night and in the early morning.

I looked up push pull dynamics and I agree and I see its a problem in normal relationships not just high conflict relationships. My 7 year therapist had actually talked to me about this, that this particular partner tended to want to too much closeness, but previous relationships  including my father were distancing, so that in and of itself wasn't a reason to end a relationship. He told me that was part of finding the balance in a relationship.

I was also able to call my partner today and ask him to rewrite the Facebook messages he sent me about not feeling valued for anything other then coparenting into an email that I could bring to my  therapist next week.

A further thing I was able to do was when he requested  a FaceTime conversation with me about the relationship at the end of the week I was able to restate my boundary that I would be happy to resume facetime conversations and relationship conversations when I had seen that he had filed. That was actually a painful conversation because I actually realized that I was starting to miss him and that the distance was starting to hurt. I was able to tell him this and to tell him this indicated to me that my taking a step back until he filed was having the desired effect, it was allowing my emotions to simmer down so I could actually start to miss him. He was able to hear what I say and say he knows that I believe that what I am doing is right. It was actually a peaceful conversation with no hooks or feelings of being hooked involved.

[patientandclear]

Hi unicorn. FWIW, I don't see his apology as healthy. I thought his preceding email about how he sees the r/ship at present IS healthy. He is communicating his feelings to you--in a calm way that doesn't add any hurtful threats or blaming. He is entitled to do work and communicate if you have any kind of relationship.

He now says he's retracted it but that seems to be because of your negative reaction. He's saying he will never do such a thing again ... .I sure don't think that is a healthy stance. (But again, it's coming from your negative reaction to him trying to share his feelings with you. That's a bad dynamic -- nothing good comes from people hiding their true feelings from one another in order to keep a relationship intact.)

I agree with Skip that what he said seems accurate. I know you feel he has no justification for being sad about the situation because it's his fault ultimately for misleading you about his marital status. But that is something you can say gently and warmly instead of retaliating and being frustrated with him.

I know you're past the point of responding and are looking to discuss with your T--great! But if we rolled this back a day or so, I'd suggest responding to his "our r/ship now" message by saying "I know, I miss the way things were also. I suppose if I looked at it in a different way I too could be mad at you for making it impossible for us to enjoy the way it was until you've filed for divorce. I miss it a lot! But rather than being mad at you, I'm trying to lay the groundwork for moving forward in a healthy way. I get that you feel sad at what's missing and so do I. But to have that kind of r/ship, because of my own values, my partner can't be married to someone else. I'd love it if we can return to a genuinely intimate r/ship if that gets resolved."

Do you see that that has all the same feelings in it as "why are you sending me this complaint when it's what I had to do to protect myself when I realized you hadn't even filed for divorce and misled me?" But it affirms that you also miss what he misses, and your actions are the path to possible restoration on better terms. You don't need to be mad at the guy for missing the happy times you had. It makes sense. You can be mad at him for not having filed for divorce! But that's a separate thing than him telling you he's bummed now. Of course he is. It's completely reasonable, and gives you another chance to explain what this is about for you, and that you DO value that closeness that your current drawn-back position is preventing.

[unicorn2014]

Hi p&c, I appreciate your response.

His first email was actually taking my inventory which is not healthy. It was full of blame. A friend of mine once said nothing good can come about at 3 in the morning which is when that email was written.  I encouraged him to read in the AA big book about the 4th step. No person has the right to tell another person what they feel. No person has the right to tell another person that they have resentments. No person has the right to tell another person to get their projection under control. As another member said, that email was full of judgment.

I also don't think the apology was healthy because it indicates he is still judging me, and ultimately its what he thinks that's the problem, not what he says, however he has not taken DBT yet  so that's where his mind is at today. He assures me he will be taking DBT when he moves.

I have asked my partner to write me an email stating his concerns about not feeling valued by me for anything other then coparenting so  that I can bring to my therapist.  I need help validating him and that is why I asked for the email. He has a problem with mattering, that is why he was working with the psychiatrist, so he is projecting his issues on to me.

I am also finding that what some of the other members have said is true, that taking a step back is actually allowing me to miss my partner.

There are other things in the relationship that I am processing now, that I am not ready to talk about publicly yet, and now that I have a new individual therapist I will be able to talk about those things with her.

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His  marital status is not the only issue that made the relationship a problem, he was in no position to be in an intimate relationship psychologically.  I was very naive when I met him, I had never met a man that had problems like he did. I'm now starting to feel some things about the other things in the relationship that he did that I feel were very inappropriate and this is an opportunity for me to practice my DBT skills as well as utilize my underlying Buddhist and Christian knowledge of nonjudgmentalness.  I need to practice compassion for my partner. The deeper issue I can forgive my partner, however I also feel angry about it.

I wrote a post over on the personal inventory board about the new book I am reading if you are interested. I'm working on a self awareness inventory which I will then be using to write an essay.

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[Daniell85]

I want to tell you, Unicorn, that I am really grateful to you for all of the discussions you open.

Your efforts to find a path forward and gain clarity, it really touches me.

I struggle with a lot of the same feelings/situations you have. It's helped me so much to read your threads.

It seems most of us are naive when we walk into these types of relationships. I keep searching for "meaning" in all of this.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Daniell85, I have to say things have much improved since I've taken a step back and started looking in the mirror.

Now I'm reading a book called keeping the love you find which I posted about on the personal inventory board.

I was very  codependent when I entered this relationship.

I had done 2 years of work in CODA before meeting my ex husband but that wasn't enough, so I ended up marrying an alcoholic with untreated bipolar disorder whom I later found out also had sociopathic traits.

I've done a lot of work in Al-Anon and ACA however it was my codependency that was causing so many problems with my partner.

I'm going to have to really get a grasp on that before I reenter the relationship in the normal way, and a lot is going to have to change.

That being said I think the container of the relationship is solid, its what's inside that needs to be cleaned out.

I'm going to be meeting with my new individual therapist next week and I'm going to be working on having compassion for my partner and validating him when he says things that set me off.

For example his need to be reassured by me that I love him and want to be with him drives me batty, but that's part of his disorder, so if I want to be with him, I'm going to have to deal with that.

My life coach told me that I need my partner to be a mature adult, I think I could boil down his problem into emotional immaturity, which is part of the disorder, so I'm going to have to learn to  deal with that which means i don't have the luxury of sinking into emotional immaturity myself.

I thought because my partner was so much older then me that he was going to be more emotionally mature then me. I think that's what I was looking for when I entered the relationship and what i found was something entirely different.