Blocking contact?

[Lou12]

I would like some advice please. I am recieving another silent treatment and quite honestly my patience with BPD bf is wearing thin.

I absolutely want to stay with him 100% but I feel I need to attempt to cut out the silent treatment that lasts weeks. I've only just finished getting one last week and here I am again. He won't communicate his issues with me or tell me what's wrong but absolute ignore my call and 3 texts over three days. I even apologised and validated when I don't really believe I should have.

I want to aim to set a boundary with the purpose of trying to cut the silent treatment down to just 'taking a few days to think'. Soo I am thinking of sending a message along the lines of... 'I have apologised and attempted numerous times to make things right. I absolutely don't deserve this ignoring treatment, it's totally rude to not even acknowledge me'. Then I was intending to block all contact?

I know this is very risky but my logic is 'what have I got to lose because I am getting ignored anyway' and also it's becoming to regular now. I feel I need to do something to lessen it at least.

My dilemma is I don't want to lose him. I am willing to stick it out and stick to this boundary but I don't want he to vanish on me.

Can anyone please advise how a BPD is likely to respond to me doing this? Feel I am in a no win situation by just doing nothing but wanted people's perspectives on it before I make a decision.

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[Daniell85]

Your BPD will likely respond by entrenching further into silent treatment because you just tipped them off about what a powerful tool it is to hurt you.

I have endured ST hundreds of times, sometimes for months at a time.

My best advice to you is when you realize you are being given silent treatment is to go silent yourself. Take the time and do some good things for yourself. Like a vacation.

I understand that it is deeply painful, frustrating. I have been there, been scared, hurt, demoralized, got the tshirt.

When he goes silent, you go silent. After a while, he will understand that you are not pining at the shrine of his angst and meaness, and his antic is not working on you.

It's the only thing that works in my case, and sometimes I still get it, particularly if my boyfriend sees he can retaliate and hurt me by doing it. The point really is to hurt you. As BPD waits out the time of hurting you with ST, they calm down or get bored, and decide to re-engage. So BE BORING to jerk around with ST. A lot of it will stop.

[Jessica84]

I am so sorry. Didn't mean to suggest in the other thread that you apologize or validate him if he's been ignoring you.    You can't validate a person who's not sharing anything with you. No way to know what to validate. Better to remain silent than to guess wrong.

I agree with Daniell85. The best thing to do during a ST is to go silent yourself. I know it's agonizing. So much uncertainty. Resist the urge to contact him. Distract yourself, treat yourself, see a movie, go out with a friend. He'll likely get bored if he sees no reward in it... .or starts to worry about what you're doing without him!

[mitti]

During my 4 years with my uBPDexbf he subjected me to silent treatment numerous times, mostly because he soon realised it was so painful for me to endure. He did come back each time though, even though they got longer and longer, but I also dealt with it very poorly, and tried everything from accusing him to begging and pleading. The thing that worked best was to take care of myself as best I could, try to distract myself because feeling bad makes everything ten times worse, while at the same let him know that I was there for him, no blame, and then stop chasing him.

I understand your urge to lash out at him and tell him how you feel and that he ought to show some compassion for you and that silent treatment is abusive. But if you want him back that will only push him further away. He will likely find it difficult to come back when he is ready to if he knows you are going to give him a hard time. They deal with a lot of self-blame and shame as it is anyway, so to tell them in direct words makes it much harder for them. I know it sucks.

The only thing that ever really worked with my ex was validation, but that on the other hand when I started using it, and got better at it, was like some miracle method. And then we went to therapy and I could actually communicate that silent treatment was detrimental to both of us and to the relationship. He then started telling me when he felt panicky and needed time by himself or when angry he was able to tell me that before locking himself away for a few days. He would also respond when I contacted him and in some way or another indicate whether he was ready to come back or not.

[Lou12]

Thanks you girls for your very helpful advice. I suppose I was just triggering yesterday. I'm not angry it's more just a sense of 'how dare you' injustice to do this to me again. It's hard sometimes not to take it personal when it is personally directed at you.

I held out anyway and decided to ignore and I am happy now with that decision.

Jessica, there is honestly no need to apologise. I am a strong willed person anyway and no one can tell me what to do without their being a element of me wanting to do it anyway so you are not to feel any responsibility. The truth was I wanted to eliminate what I thought was my wrong doing so therefor I could sit back and accept the ST with a clearer conscience so the apology on my behalf to him I felt was the right thing.

I now feel that I have admitted what I may have done to contribute, as for what the actual reason maybe for this round of ST then only he knows. Until he is willing to tell me then there is nothing I can do.

We do need to have a chat about communicating with each other though when we reconnect. I can't keep brushing things under the carpet and on his behalf, he is doing himself out of the ability to express his own needs and frustrations. How can he expect people to understand why he's angry when he won't tell a person why. Maybe he doesn't know himself .

So glad I have you all here during these times! TY

[Jessica84]

Thanks you girls for your very helpful advice. I suppose I was just triggering yesterday. I'm not angry it's more just a sense of 'how dare you' injustice to do this to me again. It's hard sometimes not to take it personal when it is personally directed at you.

I totally understand this. Used to tell myself I don't need this crap, I don't deserve it, why is he being so cruel, it's so unfair! All true statements. I've tried to change the inner dialogue to "not my monkeys, not my circus" - also a true statement. It's not my problem he has problems. The new thought process helps me let go of the resentments quicker and go enjoy my life.

And speaking of... .I swear, it's like they get a tingling spidey sense that we're happy or busy and stopped noticing their absence, and then... .here they come...

When I'm sad and lethargic, the ST lingers. When I get up and say "F it" and start doing something productive or fun, the ST ends. Doesn't matter if it's been hours, days, or weeks, the silence always seems to end when I stop wondering about him, when I'm totally enthralled in something else. Bizarre phenomenon!

So as cliché as it sounds, take care of yourself. Make the bed, tackle that pile of laundry, call a friend, exercise, make your favorite meal, watch a good movie, whatever does it for you. My guess is his spidey senses will start tingling soon enough. If not, well at least you got something done or had some fun!

[Lou12]

Thanks Jessica I will

In the past have you had to reach out to your bf or does he mostly reach out to you after an ST? And if it's you reaching out, how do you go about it? And how do you gage when to do it?

[mitti]

In the past have you had to reach out to your bf or does he mostly reach out to you after an ST? And if it's you reaching out, how do you go about it? And how do you gage when to do it?

Hi Lou12, I know this is a response for Jessica, but I thought I'd share some of my experiences. 

First, I want to say that I have the same experience as Jessica on the following... .

When I'm sad and lethargic, the ST lingers. When I get up and say "F it" and start doing something productive or fun, the ST ends. Doesn't matter if it's been hours, days, or weeks, the silence always seems to end when I stop wondering about him, when I'm totally enthralled in something else. Bizarre phenomenon!

I don't think they know per say, I mean not anymore than anyone of us could sense such a thing, perhaps some kind of telepathic thing that could, and I believe does, work for anybody, but it does. What I noticed though was that I couldn't "trick" it to happen. It never worked if I pretended to not care and just busied myself but was hoping hoping he would get in touch. But it was when I came to a decision that I really could move on, and yep sure enough, he would get in touch. But it wasn't the only time.

I didn't always wait for myself to be able to move on, because often I just simply was not able to. And I did reach out sometimes and sometimes, but a lot less frequently, did he finally in the end contact me. But what "works" for one person, may not necessarily work for another. BPD has a similar pattern in people but they are separate individuals.

What is hard for somebody who easily feels a lot of shame is to not react to that shame, so the easier we make for them to get back in touch the more likely they are. And that would be to make it as safe as possible for them to contact us, safe as in reduce whatever would trigger their shame as much as possible. I stopped pleading, and I also sent fewer messages and stopped calling. I validated what I knew to validate and in one way or another, usually in a subtle way, let him know that I was there and cared about him i.e. it would be safe for him to contact me. No blaming or even having to talk about what happened.

How to know when? For me there was not a lot to go by, except usually a certain amount of time would have to have passed. But otherwise if depended what happened in his life and how much he needed me and whether he had any friends available or not. It's unfair because at that point it seems very one-sided and selfish. He wanted to be with me and get in touch but could only do it if his shame would not be triggered.

[Lou12]

Thanks Mitti.

I am actually feeling quite calm this time around. A kind of 'there is nothing I can do at this point so carry on with life'. It's weird because I intuitively feel his punishment of me has increased because I am not weeping. I always feel that the days I am feeling strong, he is weak and vice versa. But as I say I am a little indifferent to it. Ive had moments of fear the last couple of days but within a minute or two I am able to pull myself out of it and push it a side. I've caught on very quickly this time about the punishment he is dealing me. Where as before I always thought his STs were because I needed to assure him how much I loved him, now I believe it's punishment for something I've said or done (without having really done anything). Another reason I believe it to be punishment was because in the past when he has really wanted me out of his life then he has blocked me from every angle. This time he has not because he wants to A) give me the opportunity to beg B) act like he really doesn't care enough about me to be bothered to block me (indifferent) but I know otherwise.

I will probably contact him in a few weeks once his stalking increases if he has not done so before.

I did feel that something was definitely coming to a head though because his push/pull behaviours massively increased!

I have read some of your posts Mitti, how are things presently with you?

[mitti]

It's great that you are feeling calmer and more able to handle the situation and that you don't let fear take over. I found that so hard, it was like it took over my life. The first few times my ex gave me ST it was like I fell into the abyss. The first time it lasted like a day. The last time it lasted one year, no response to anything! But we had a painful past together by then and I was very reluctant to see my own part in it, and I don't mean how I triggered him, but baggage from my childhood that I needed to deal with.

What causes them to resort to ST seems so complex. Like you say, sometimes it seems to be more about punishment and sometimes their shame and fear of not being loved the way they are. I think all of it may co-exist at the same time and they kind of jump in and out of whatever feeling is the strongest at any given moment. The trigger can be anger, feeling abandoned or rejected, feeling accused or criticized or feeling exposed or engulfed. I have heard so many explanations from my ex, but usually afterwards he seems as confused as me as to what made him refuse contact.

So for how long does it usually last between the two of you? And do you see a pattern?

For us, the one thing that worked almost always to reduce his stress and panic was validation. He would still go through push and pull but not anywhere nearly as bad.

Thanks for asking. He is avoiding contact. It's a little strange as he responded to my Christmas greeting in a very sweet way. But then I didn't wish him a happy new year so it could be that he feels I am not to be trusted because that is then not consistent behaviour from me, the way he sees it. I only understand these things afterwards. I was just trying to give him space. I think ultimately he is angry that he tried to get me back and I wouldn't for a long time. But I also feel quite certain that we will be able to resolve this, or I am hoping.

[Lou12]

I believe with my bf that although he feels subconsciously that the ST may be about shame, not feeling loved enough and possible abandonment anxiety etc... I think he refuses to acknowledge in his mind that that is the case and he switches it to it being my fault and it allows him not to internalise the real reason. When he is triggering he actively looks for things to split me over.  He wants my actions to fit in with his emotions.

My instinct tells me this is going to be a longer ST than normal but I am glad I have mentally prepared myself for that.

He definitely has some what of a pattern as do I but I have changed the relationship dynamics this time around so I am unsure how this one could play out.

The thing that concerns me was his massive increase in push/pull over the last couple of weeks. He never usually tells me he loves me as much. He seems able to control himself to a certain degree but I can tell he was losing it a little. Whilst I thought 'great' he's trusting me a little more to feel safe enough to express his emotions could have very well been the start of him going into a big trigger which I suspect is the case.

I am glad that you have took the time to recognise how you might have played a part in the breakdown of your relationship. That takes a lot. We have a tendency to believe we are the innocent party which is not the case. I have done the same myself. I have never felt more mentally strong than I do now. My childhood fears that I brought in to adulthood have been very much highlighted by my BPD and it has allowed me to tackle them head on and deal with my own issues.

[Jessica84]

If you've changed the dynamic, the push/pull can often increase. It makes them uncomfortable because their coping skills are so limited. They had a sense of control in the old dynamic. But this usually decreases over time.

To answer your question, I have done it all during a ST! Some good, a lot bad! Everything from crying, begging, sending him long heartfelt emails to ignoring him when he finally did contact me. I changed his name in my phone once to ":)o Not Answer"    Big mistake. He was ready to talk again, but I was still a mess. This is why taking care of yourself during this time is so important. 

If I reached out, I might get a response, but it never led to any real conversation. Only he could initiate that and he had to be ready. So my best results came from leaving him alone and doing my own thing until he made contact. And once he did, hopefully I was stable, calm and centered enough to respond in a validating way.

[Lou12]

Yes Jessica I think that is pretty much the route I have took before and I'll take again.

I am a little frustrated today. I feel like I want to make him know that I don't feel an responsibility for his actions. I know in his head that he believes that I am the reason behind why I am getting the ST but is aggravates me that he's just putting it all on me and taking no accountability. I mean how is he supposed to learn and grow from this if every time the ST happens he believes it's my fault.

I mean now he has me marked as being the reason for his triggers and if he just gets rid of me he'll get rid of his triggers. Now that does make me angry that it's projected silently on to me. I really wish I could verbalise this and try to make him responsible for his own behaviour. But I know it's futile and by going down that route will only add fuel to his burning fire (reasons) why I'm no good for him!

[Jessica84]

I know how frustrating it is. I used to want to shake him into reality, own up to my part but make him understand his own role and take responsibility, work things out like a normal couple, see us both as good people but not perfect. Then I learned to be careful what I wish for! Everything is so black and white and extreme. My bf can't seem to land in the middle. Recipe for disaster.

This is his typical path with the ST:

Starts with everything is my fault (I'm black, he's justified, goes silent) ~~> to I didn't really do anything wrong, therefore I am perfect (white, I'm absolved of all sins) ~~> to if I'm perfect, that must mean everything is his fault (paints himself black, self-loathing/shame, stays silent) ~~> to depression ~~> to suicidal thoughts. Oh, and slip in a few self-destructive impulsive moves, like gambling a large sum of money (self-soothing), then the realization of how stupid he is (more self-loathing). Finally ~~> he'll contact me for soothing and validation (ST ends).

Meanwhile... .I've been settling down emotionally and living in the grey area - where I take responsibility for my part, forgive him for his. At this point, instead of being angry and resentful and wanting justice, I find myself grateful I can see grey! Because sadly, he can't. Does that make sense?

[Lou12]

Yes this makes sense.

Today I am on day 5 of ST and he has checked my social media for the first time In two days so I'm guessing in the last 2 days he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me but possibly today he's starting to have a small change of heart?

I guess I am just going to have to play this one out and make a very strong mental note of how he reacts.

Thankfully I have no desire to reach out to him yet. I was tempted briefly today to absolve myself from being blamed but once again I realised that this is not about me, this is about his emotions and his illness and I have a accept this.

Next time around I will watch very carefully for the change to his push/pull as I see now that the was probably the start to his dysregulation happening. I plan to seek some advice here about how I could possibly help to regulate him better before he goes into full trigger!